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Dumped by my girlfriend - maybe I deserved it, but not how she did it!


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My girlfriend and I were together for 6 months. I know that is not much time but we had something very special for the first 5 months! I am a very young minded and looking 48 year old man, and my girl is a very mature single mother age 26. We had a lot of the same friends and from time to time the group would come together and that is how we met.

 

We had so much in common, music, social activities, kids, dancing, neither jelous people, great sex and more. We never had a fight or argument in the first 5 months is was great. Then everything changed on a dime. I can recall the day January 21st 2010. She checkout out on me. I knew something was different and she just said she was going through things at home with her familiy.

 

She was divorced and now living with her mom and dad trying to get it together. Not a good situcation. I did not believe her and tried to get her to tell me what was really going on but she would just say that I did not understand. I became very frustrated with the situation and believed she was now talking to another guy and maybe even sleeping with him. I asked her numerous times if she wanted out of the realationship during this time but she would only say that is not was she was saying. However her actions were clear to me that she did.

 

We have hardly seen eachother or talked since this happened and it has thrown me into a complete tailspin. I have obsessed over what went wrong and how I could fix it. I have tried to believe her story but so much evidence is there that she is with another guy even though she wont admitt it and keeps lying to me about it. I have went through so many emotions, it has been hard to eat, sleep or think about anything else for that past month and a half. I feel a deep since of loss and have so many regrets.

 

You see I feel I know why she checked out on me. My best friend is a girl who is also in her 20's who I have had in my life for some time now. We were attracted to eachother at one time and did date for a bit but ended up friends. I met my girl right after we decided to just be friends and I had a lot of feelings for the other girl still. My new girl was cool with it for about 3 months then I think she could tell I still had some strong feelings for my best friend and I think she was getting tired of it. I knew this was a problem but could not make my heart change over night. I was growing in my feelings for my new girl and we were having a lot of fun but I just wasnt there yet with her.

 

After 5 months the feelings were less for my best friend but I think she checked out cuz she felt I should have been further along with her. I believe she really cared for me but I did not give her what she wanted. She never talked to me about it and to this day has not told me why she checked out except for the lame excuse bout needing to deal with family stuff. After I realized she was dumping me I came to my senses and tried to make everything right. I put her first in everything and made sure she understood that I was pulling away from my best friend for awhile so that we could grow. It was all fruitless, I believe she was already now with this other guy.

 

I have so many questions unanswered. I ask myself why only after it was over did I want her so badly and lose my feelings for my best friend? Do I really love her if that is the case? Maybe it is just ego talking. Anyway she keeps texting me almost everyday but has only asked a few times to hang out. She did meet me at a party two weeks ago and she brought some of her friends I did not know. I was cool to her but did not give her much of my time. I danced with other girls and just had fun. All night she kept having my friends come get me so I would dance with her. she pretty much ignored her friends. Saying stuff like this is our song, your wearing the shirt I bought you. We ended up in my car talking and she fell asleep in my lap for 2 hours saying she had not felt this comfortable in a long time.

 

I asked her the next day to get back to together cuz everything felt so right the night before and the attention she was giving me. I thought she wanted to come back. She said I cant right now. I know why it is cuz I believe she is with this other guy sleeping with him. So every since the party she has text me everyday to say hi and make small talk. Called a few times. It was tearing my heart apart cuz I want her back. So on Monday I asked her to meet me for lunch cuz I had something I needed to share with her. it is only the 3rd time I have seen her in person in a month.

 

I told her I have grow to love her with all my heart but love somtimes must let the person go and look after what is best for them. I said you have made it clear to me you do not want to get back together right now and I need to go mend my heart. I told her I have for the past month reached out to you to let you know how important you are to me and that I want you back but you have not responded. I am not willing any longer to put myself out there, it is too painful and Im letting go. I am 48 years old and ready for a special lady in my life, one that wants to be with me. If you decide you want to come back let me know and hopefully it wont be too late, but I am going to start dating. I deserve to have that person in my life.

 

She asked me what it meant to let her go. I told her I would not be putting myself out there to her anymore to be rejected, you know where I stand and Im done talking about it. She asked if I was dumping her as a friend as well. I told her no, but I needed time. It was a good conversation done in love and we hugged and said goodbye. I have not called her or initiated a text to her since our talk on Monday. She has texted me everyday being really nice and even asked me out this weekend but I told her I had my kids and could not make it. She said we will have to do it very soon then. Today is the first time since monday i have not heard from her.

 

I will not call her or text her again. I except it is over and as much as I want her back and am sad and broken hearted I cant heal if I keep this going. It hurts that she only texts me in the morning and while at work. She gets off at 11pm and its all dead air. I know she in on her way out to his house or to party and it hurts bad. I wish she could have talked to me about my best friend and told me she wanted more from me and I think I would have picked her and gave her what she needed. I think I miss her alot but am not sure since I also feel she has been a liar and deciever through the break up. What to do?

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I am 99% sure. She talks to me a tells me what she has been doing. I ask who with and she tells me his name. The day she changed on me she became friends with this guy on myspace and posted dangerously cute on his page. They are friends on facebook as well and he talks about meeting this incredible girl that week after she checked out on me. She told me 3 days later after she check out she could not see me cuz she had forgot about dinner plans with a friend from work. I know for sure it was him and not a friend from work. I have seen pictures of them dancing at the club.

 

She called me a few weeks ago saying her friend she was drinking with just went to jail for a DUI and asked me what to do to get him out. Then she asked me for my attorney to help him. I found out from my attorney it was him and that she came to the office with him. She went to the Circus with him on Sunday. It all adds up. I could be wrong but I doubt it. I know her pretty well.

 

I did ask her if she was dating anyone and her response was I have not committed to anyone.

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I feel you buddy. I have experienced something similar - I just don't understand how some girls, when they become interested in another guy, and you know it, and they know it, and you tell them straight up "look, if you're interested in someone else, go ahead, pursue that, just TELL me the truth", they won't. They'll lie, pretend as if they don't want to end the relationship, but still end up going to the other guy. It's cowardly.

 

I would just move on and I agree with the other poster. I think dating girls much younger than you is a good recipe for heart-break.

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I dont think its anything you did wrong. Sounds like you were more emotionally invested in the relationship than she was. She's with someone else by the sounds of it now. Best thing for you now is to walk away with your head held high. You put yourself out there and were honest with her. Move on with no regrets.

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Even if you are young minded, I think the age difference probably had something to do with it. When she will be 40 you will be 62. Maybe she just wants to be with someone closer to her own age.

 

I hate to say this . . . It really sounds like she fell in love with someone else. Sorry. Maybe that will make it easier to move on.

 

I would agree with these two. And I'm wondering if the new guy is younger ...

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I appreciate all your comments. I believe the truth is that she really cared about me and I was not giving her what she needed and she checked out on me. She had asked to move in with me after 4 months and I said no. I believe she was jelous of my feelings I still had for my best friend and had enough after being with me for 5 months. They were lessoning and mine were growing for her but I guess not fast enough. That is where the regret comes in for me, I wish they would have went away sooner and been 100% for her. I will have to live with what could have been the rest of my life. It will haunt me for awhile.

 

That is the only reason I believe she started looking for another guy to meet her needs. So as I mentioned I got what I deserved I guess. She never talked to me about it or I think I would have opened my eyes and made the right changes because I was growing in my feelings for her. But I guess a girl never wants to have to tell her boyfriend she is hurting cuz you still have feelings for your best friend after 5 months. It was a messed up situation.

 

This site is really helping me move on. I am now starting the NC as of yesterday. She has sent me texts everyday since are talk on Monday when I told her I loved her but was letting her go and moving on with my life. I have only responded to her texts, I have not initiated any contact. She did not text me all day yesterday for the first time this week. The weirdest thing happened when I woke up this morining. I have a text from her that she sent at 2:30 in the morning saying "I miss you. I'm listeninig to a song that remiinds me of you". reading it made me feel like my heart was being ripped open. What to do?

 

I don't think I should respond, I want her back but I can not have my heart played with. I know she will keep texting me just to talk... I am afraid if I do not text back she will stop texting and think I don't care. If I want her back what do I do? What if she asks me out? She already did for this weekend but I had the kids and did not go. I am afraid she only wants me as a friend but am not sure.

 

Yes he is younger (23)

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She never talked to me about it or I think I would have opened my eyes and made the right changes because I was growing in my feelings for her. But I guess a girl never wants to have to tell her boyfriend she is hurting cuz you still have feelings for your best friend after 5 months. It was a messed up situation.

 

Yes he is younger (23)

 

I know you are hurting, but you are doing an awful lot of mindreading here. You don't really know if this is the case. Maybe it was a factor, but you don't know if age played a part too. It's quite a leap to go from 48 to 23. It's a whole different generation and vibe.

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You are right, I really don't know cuz she isn't telling me. That is what drives me crazy, I just want to know why she checked out! What should I be doing now? Do I respond to her text from last night at 2:30 saying she misses me? I feel at a loss on how to handle it. These types of messages from her send me mixed signals. I do not know if she misses me as a boyfriend or a friend. I really do want her back, but if she only misses me as a friend, I need to stay NC.

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I feel you buddy. I have experienced something similar - I just don't understand how some girls, when they become interested in another guy, and you know it, and they know it, and you tell them straight up "look, if you're interested in someone else, go ahead, pursue that, just TELL me the truth", they won't. They'll lie, pretend as if they don't want to end the relationship, but still end up going to the other guy. It's cowardly.

 

I would just move on and I agree with the other poster. I think dating girls much younger than you is a good recipe for heart-break.

 

Guys do it too! My ex (together almost 4 yrs) met a girl and the next day left me and they were "officially" in a relationship 2 days later!

 

I told him he should have been straight up with me but he just said he didn't expect it and it just snowballed.... some people just don't want to admit to it because it makes them look like bad people.

 

Denial. It's all the rage.

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You are right, I really don't know cuz she isn't telling me. That is what drives me crazy, I just want to know why she checked out! What should I be doing now? Do I respond to her text from last night at 2:30 saying she misses me? I feel at a loss on how to handle it. These types of messages from her send me mixed signals. I do not know if she misses me as a boyfriend or a friend. I really do want her back, but if she only misses me as a friend, I need to stay NC.

 

I hear what you are saying. I wish you two had some sort of relationship 'de-brief' so that she could communicate what was going on more plainly. You have many options. There are two that make the most sense in this situation. First, you can ask to meet with her. Let her know that you aren't quite clear on why you two broke up and that you would like to talk with her to get some closure. The second option is to 'dump her as a friend' like she thought you were doing and end all contact with her for a while. Basically let her know that you are only interested in a relationship right now and if she's changes her mind, she can let you know. In the meantime, you would need to move on and say that maybe you can be friends in the future. That's what I would say to you.

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That is good advise but part of me says it really doesn't matter anymore why she dumped me. I feel like I have wore out that topic and she still has not told me. I doubt she will anytime soon. I am tired of asking and trying to figure it out. Bottom line is she did and she's not here so it really doesn't matter unless she decides she wants to come back. At that time I will want and need to know the truth.

 

She also mentioned in our meeting Monday that she wants to grow the friendship and see what happens. That there was a lot of miscommunication during the breakup and there needs to be time to heal and rebuild the foundation we had. She kinda made it sound like I want to be friends and hang out, talk on the phone, text and see if I want or can get beyond whatever caused her to breakup and the pain of the miscommunication during the breakup.

 

If I cut off the friendship I may be killing any opportunity to let her work through it to see if she wants to come back. Am I off base thinking like this? She knows I don't just want a friendship.

 

Since our meeting Monday I have not initiated any calls, meetings or texts. I am only responding and not putting any of my feelings out there, just being nice. Am I on the wrong path?

 

BTW I did not respond to her 2:30am text last night telling me she misses me.

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Look, no matter what the positive spin you put on it, she was waay too young for you. She most likely got tired of waiting around for your full attention and found someone who gave that to her. No bad guy, bad girl, here. You guys were just in the wrong time, wrong place scenario. It hurts, but it is what it is. She didn't tell you because she was being hurt by you and didn't want to give you pain, also. We women are taught from the cradle to "not hurt men" because we think your egos are too fragile for that. Most of the time that is not true, but sometimes men really do a number on us when we are honest with them and that makes us afraid to do it again.

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She didn't tell you because she was being hurt by you and didn't want to give you pain, also. We women are taught from the cradle to "not hurt men" because we think your egos are too fragile for that. Most of the time that is not true, but sometimes men really do a number on us when we are honest with them and that makes us afraid to do it again.

 

I agree to why she did not tell me she checked out. I am now just trying to find my way. I want her back and that makes it hard to move on. I am trying to except that it is over but she does not make it easy on me when she sent that text last night telling me she misses me. It gives me hope and I am struggling to know what to do. Should I stay NC, should I only respond to her texts and calls or should I text her and keep in touch without really putting any of my feelings out there. I am so confused.

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I am really feeling bad today. Had some big set backs yesterday in my mind and actions. As I mentioned she sent me a text late Saturday night telling me she misses me. I decided at 3pm yesterday to text her, nothing special and did not mention her text. I heard nothing back. I started going crazy in my head that she must be with another guy and too busy to text me. I actually did something I have not done in 23 years. I woke in the middle of night and could not go back to sleep. So I got up and drove by her house to see if her car was there. It was so I know she was at home. She never leaves without her car and never has people at her house cuz her family is there.

 

I feel like crap now for doing it. I don't even know why I did it. I knew I would not feel any better. Now I just know she was home and decided not to text me. She may not even be with another guy and in some ways it hurts more to think she may be alone and still not feeling like texting me back.

 

This morning I was really hurting and text her and even lied. I text her and said my boss is in Europe (that's true) and that she bombed my phone with messages on Sunday morning and I somehow missed her text from Saturday night. That I just read it and it put a smile on my face. I said I miss you too and we should try to hang out soon. She asked me to hang out this past weekend but I had the kids so I thought it was ok to say.

 

Anyway, no text back yet and it's been two hours. I don't know if she will text me or not but I have to get out of this place my mind is in. It is going to kill me. I am losing respect for myserlf

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I think she checked out because you were emotionally unavailable. You were still into the other girl and towards the end you had "grown" to love this girlfriend. Sometimes we are so busy pining for someone else that we miss out on the folks who are right in front of our noses.

 

I don't know what I would advise about the whole friends thing - if you have feelings for her - being "friends" really doesn't work because you have an ulterior motive of wanting to get back together. I guess she is saying to take it slow. So you have to decide to cut her off completely to heal or to take it slow with no expectations

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thanks for the adivice, I have taken it to heart and did it. I called her and we talked for about an hour on the phone. I told her that we were both in different places right now, her wanting friendship and me wanting more. I let her know that the friendship is not working right now and that I needed to check out and not to call or text me anymore. I told her I would contact her if and when the time comes that I am ok with just being friends. I doubt she will get that call anytime soon.

 

I also told her if she changes her mind and wants more than friends to call me and we can discuss it. But it was time for me to take care of me. that it was not ok that she continued to send me so many mixed signals that were not allowing me to move on.

 

It was really loving and good talk. We laughed about old times and she said she understood why I did not want to continue communication with her. She told me she cared about me and that was nice. I did tell her that I wanted to cherish the good memories that we had and the path we were going down was starting to make me bitter and upset and I did not want to remember out time together like that. I told her I realized that it was only going to get worse and it was unhealthy to try to be friends right now.

 

So now I start my journy of healing and NC. I have no idea how long this journy will take to heal but I know it is the right decision.

 

btw.. I did ask her why she check out and she said it had to do with my job and traveling so much and that was hard for her. She also mentioned the fighting over the past month. I told her it was parially her fault that it got to this point becasue she did such a poor job communicating what she needed from me.

 

I still do not believe this to be the real reason because she had already checked out before we ever started fighting. that was why we fought and why I became frustrated. In the end it really doesn't matter.

 

I choose to remember the good times we had and am glad it ended with a really loving and good conversation. Now God please give me the strength to stay NC.

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