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How to make it just FWB again


Arabella314

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How the hell do I get over him? I tried avoiding him, even got a boyfriend so I could get over him. It didn't work. I never stopped thinking about him, I always wanted to see him again, and now that I did, I can't stop thinking about him. So getting a new boyfriend, avoiding him & not seeing him for years didn't work. Is it possible to convince myself just to be happy I get to be with him? Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much.

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No. quit seeing him if all he wants is FWB and you want more and it is keeping you from forming other healthy relationships.

 

Keep in mind that eventually he will find someone else he gets serious with and then you'll be totally dumped. So why not just cut to the chase and get on with life and really get over him.

 

Go no contact, and remind yourself you may want him, but he doesn't want you. I want a million dollar house in the south of France, but i'm never getting that so i don't waste a lot of time hoping for it or gazing lovingly at pictures of villas i'll never have.

 

He's something you can't have (other than as a very short term rental), so give it up and don't waste your life on him when he's not in love with you at all.

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You need to shut him out of your life completely if you truly want to get over him. Otherwise, you will always be in square one.

 

Time - that's what you need. I know that it sounds cliche, but it actually works. It may take longer than usual, but you will get better.

 

I know first hand - It literally took me years to get over my first serious bf (even while knowing that I never spoke to him, and was completely NC).

 

You need to try to do things that makes you happy... without him.

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I thought time away from him would change things too. Obviously not. Out of the five years we were apart..the first two, we didn't speak at all cause we lost contact. I never stopped thinking about him & wanted to find him, but he found me first. I was so happy, I ran screaming & jumping to my boyfriend that he found me LOL. The next three years, occasionally we'd talk on the phone or online. I knew I still had the feelings deep down & I had a feeling as soon as I saw him, they would all come back and they did. I'm like damn after five yrs..nothing's change. It's not like we just have sex. We hang out, talk, go out to the movies, beach, w/e. I feel I'll never get over him and I can't just cut him off because the first time I did that, it hurt to have to lie to him & I could hear in his voice he was kind of hurt when I didn't wanna go see him and it broke my heart to do that to him. He's my friend and the only time I'm really happy is when I'm with him. I can't remember most details of our sex lives, but I remember the little things like him holding my hand as we walked thru the zoo, him kissing me on my forehead & saying he loved me, the way he came running to my defense when he saw my ex push me against a wall. I still get the "butterflies" when we cuddle. The way I used to deal with it before is telling myself 'all other girls in his life have came & went & I'm still here.' but I want more. (yes I know I sound greedy..I want more than just hot sex I feel like I'll love him forever even if we were to be apart. I just want it back the way it used to be..when I didn't care what he did.

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Well..I'm shy and I never actually told him how I really felt back then because I never really knew how he felt, and I didn't wanna look like a a$$ if he didn't feel the same or even worse it pushes him away. He has told me before that he likes the way we are because we're friends who get to do what we do, and no one gets hurt. I agreed, but deep down I really wanted scream ''no stupid! i love you.'' A few other times when we first got back in contact he's told me that he doesn't like my boyfriend because he's jealous and I'm too pretty for him. I just laughed it off and said ''well now you know how I felt.'' I don't remember his response because I was too busy thinking to myself ''omg i can't believe I said that" but we changed the subject quick. I did tell him through email when he said again he was jealous that one of the reasons I got with my boyfriend was because the guy I was in love with didn't step up and he replied back ''now i'm really hating'' and i replied back ''i'm talking about you dumb a$$'' and he replied ''i thought so'' and we left it like that again. He's told me he loves me many times, but I never asked him how. Maybe I would just be satisfied if I knew the answer.

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It would be that easy if I weren't trapped in a relationship that I can't seem to get out of because I still love my boyfriend, and don't have the heart to ignore his calls after we've broken up for the 100th time, but I'm not in love with him anymore. My boyfriend is a whole other story that would need it's own thread or two. Then my friend also has a girlfriend and a baby. By the age of the baby, she was born during the time we had lost contact. I don't want to break up his family, which is why I didn't say anything when I saw him after the feelings returned. Plus he was stressed out about finding a house here. I asked him if his girlfriend would be coming down and he said ''later'' but didn't sound really happy about it. He ended up having to go back because of something that happened over there. He text me when he was leaving saying he'll miss me & he loves me & he'll be back next year. I cried all day cause the week he was here was the happiest week I've had in years. Then he called later on that night saying he was sorry for having to leave. It was hard to talk to him & keep my voice steady. I want to just say "I'm in love with you and have been for years." My friends are saying ''tell him. go for yours'' but I just can't seem to do it when I see him or talk to him.

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>>He's my friend and the only time I'm really happy is when I'm with him.

 

OK, that's a big red flag. That's not love, that's obsession and dependency. You may be using this guy mentally as some kind of a security blanket, like a kid who is really unhappy and starts crying and screaming when its mommy leaves the room. That's an infantile kind of love that thinks the person they love is the center of the universe. You need to get counseling to work on this, whether you know it or not.

 

Next, why aren't you talking to him openly about this? You're basically living a fantasy and not a real relationship if you have all these secret feeings for him that haven't come out in the open. You're not a teenager who should have these kind of 'crushes' on someone, you're a women who needs to have REAL relationships, not fantasy ones in your head. So you need to actually talk to him about your feelings and ask how he feels, otherwise every day you spend with him/talk to him you're living your own little lie and deceiving yourself and him about yourself and your intentions.

 

re: his girlfriend and baby, that is his issue, and he needs to decide what he is going to do about that, not you. All you can do is get clear with him, and see if he feels the same way, and whether he intends to stay with his girlfriend and child. If he says yes, he is staying with them, then the only honest/honorable thing you can do there is withdrawn because your feelings towards him are not appropriate for someone who has a family. You need to respect that he has made that choice to be with someone else, and you need to find yourself someone as well rather than moon around after a guy who is taken and is someone else's man.

 

Otherwise you're getting set up here to be an 'other women', whether this is just an emotional affair or it turns physical. Either way, that is not healthy for your or him or his family. If he's chosen the family, then he needs to work on the family and issues there rather than running to you for an ego boost.

 

And you need to get counseling if you are satisfied and chasing a 'pseudo' love that isn't a real relationship, just a bunch of fantasies and hanging onto the past and the 'way things were'... Right now, you're involved with someone else and so is he, and you need to start talking honestly with him AND your boyfriend. If you're in love with someone besides your boyfriend, don't lead him on either... either fix that relationship or break up with him.

 

The most important thing here is you need to learn to live in the PRESENT reality, and exactly what that reality is offering you, rather than living on past memories or on future hopes. This whole 'relationship' in your head is living on past memories of how it was, or future hopes of how it might be if he got back with you. You've embellished reality with a whole bunch of fantasy, and really need to get straight and align your thoughts with the current reality or you'll never get clear on this (or life).

 

Fantasies can have a very powerful draw because you live your own little perfect relationship in your head, but they aren't grounded in reality. You think he is perfect and you are in love, but it is a one sided fantasy at this point that you totally control, and he is just a bit player in it. You need to ground yourself in reality by talking to him about your feeings, being perfectly honest, then based on what he says (either yay or nay), accept that reality and live a REAL life rather than a fantasy relationship in your head based on past memories or future hopes.

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>>He's my friend and the only time I'm really happy is when I'm with him.

 

OK, that's a big red flag. That's not love, that's obsession and dependency. You may be using this guy mentally as some kind of a security blanket, like a kid who is really unhappy and starts crying and screaming when its mommy leaves the room. That's an infantile kind of love that thinks the person they love is the center of the universe. You need to get counseling to work on this, whether you know it or not.

 

Well that's how I feel. Would you be happy if you had a boyfriend who drinks all day, can't have sex, and tells you that you ruined what he had with a girl he cheated on you with? I might need counseling, but not for my friend...maybe learn how to be strong & drop my stupid boyfriend for good.

 

Next, why aren't you talking to him openly about this? You're basically living a fantasy and not a real relationship if you have all these secret feeings for him that haven't come out in the open. You're not a teenager who should have these kind of 'crushes' on someone, you're a women who needs to have REAL relationships, not fantasy ones in your head. So you need to actually talk to him about your feelings and ask how he feels, otherwise every day you spend with him/talk to him you're living your own little lie and deceiving yourself and him about yourself and your intentions.

 

well when I started noticing how I felt I was 14, but I figured I'm young I'll get over him. It didn't work that way. Everytime I saw him, I had planned on telling him, but always backed out when we met up mainly because if he doesn't feel the same way, I didn't wanna make him feel weird around me. So I had to choose which one was more important to me..getting everything off my chest, probably hearing him say ''you know we can't be together'' and him probably backing away cause he doesn't wanna hurt me OR sucking it up, not saying anything & just letting things roll. So I chose not to say anything, but it's always in the back of my mind..he looked for me when we lost contact, he calls & messages me. I don't call him or message him. So either he does feel something or I really am the best sex he's had & he just wants a piece for life.

 

 

And you need to get counseling if you are satisfied and chasing a 'pseudo' love that isn't a real relationship, just a bunch of fantasies and hanging onto the past and the 'way things were'... Right now, you're involved with someone else and so is he, and you need to start talking honestly with him AND your boyfriend. If you're in love with someone besides your boyfriend, don't lead him on either... either fix that relationship or break up with him.

 

I'm not leading my boyfriend on..When we started arguing the other day & he started saying AGAIN that I ruined what he had with that b**** he cheated on me with, I got so mad & said ''you know what Luis was here & I f***** him twice." He said he didn't care, but I don't really think he believed me. Least I tried to be honest with him

 

Well now to get up & get ready to pick up my boyfriend cause he has no car. First time I'm gonna see him since my friend was here...this should be interesting. lol

 

I think you're right, maybe it is time to tell him. If he really is my friend, he'll still be there no matter what his choice is. I wanna do it in person though, so guess I'll have to wait until he comes back down here next year or maybe he'll drive to NY next week when I go back up there.

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