Help! I'm starting to crack...

[guiltyflood]

BG: Met with the ex 9 days ago:

 

 

 

Since then, I've been riding an emotional rollercoaster:

 

 

 

I go out and have fun Friday and Saturday nights. Unfortunately, there's a part of me that wonders what she's out doing, as well. I'm a big hypocrite, I know. But it's one of those psychological games that I continue to play with myself.

 

I ride this emotional rollercoaster twice a week, usually on the weekend. I still have fun, but it just kind of sticks in the back of my mind, you know?

 

Since our meeting 9 days ago, I've been in NIC. I've pledged to not contact her until she contacts me. But recently I've had an urge just to send her a friendly message. Don't worry, I haven't obliged. But I just have these phases where I want to see where I am and where she is.

 

The general feedback with people here has been very positive, and that helps. A lot of people think I'm on the right path. But I still have these urges to crack, especially when she posts on facebook about how great her night was or I hear stories about how she gets absolutely wasted. I'm becoming anxious, and I hope to eventually hear from her. In the meantime, I keep moving on and working on myself. But everytime I hear something like this, I end up taking a step back.

 

How should I deal with hearing about her nightlife? And any advice on how I can prevent cracking?

[10206]

I know EXACTLY what you mean, ever since the break up all my ex has done is go out and drink with her friends, and I actually blocked her on facebook in part to not see that status's, but this morning a friend of mine showed me on his iphone that hers was "omg what an amazing night" (he showed me that saying "no way it was as awesome as mine, because well he's an idiot)

 

and while I'm going out a bit, I def have the "whats she doing feeling" I mean I haven't really been trying to pick up girls yet, even one I should have, but just didn't have the balls that night,

 

my best advice is not carrying your phone with you when you think you're gonna crack, I did that for the first couple of days, I also deleted her number off the phone (I have it memorized but this way I don't see her name when texting someone else) I also deleted her fathers number and changed her mom to "insurance" because she's my insurance agent, and with the nightlife part, I'd say just tell people you don't want to hear about it, and as for facebook, hide her from your newsfeed, it won't quite block her, but her statuses and such won't come on your homepage so you'll think about it less

[guiltyflood]

I won't crack, at all, especially when I'm drunk. I'm not that type of guy.

 

I'm just worried. I want to keep working on myself, but I'm getting incredibly anxious. We went through NC for a long period, until she broke it to check up on how I was doing.

 

Now, since meeting me, she's going out rather frequently, getting incredibly drunk, and posting it openly on facebook. It's only been 9 days since we spoke, but she's doing what she can to make this hard for me without directly sending me the message. I don't know if she's doing this to get a reaction, because she's acting dumb, or because she's actually moved on and doesn't care what I think. I know I'm hoping for the first one, and preparing for the last one. But it's just SO DAMN HARD!

 

I'm wondering if I should eventually break the ice... in at least a few weeks. Someone help keep my sanity!

[Loxxt]

This is a big problem with us dumpees... we never really know when we're over them or fine to see them again.

 

You were doing great! Too bad she had to test you. You don't seem to be cracking as in you're going to txt or drunk dial, but you're definitely cracking in terms of taking steps back in healing.

 

I'd stick to NC. She definitely knows you see her status' especially if you still have her on fb. Right now you're back at step 1. Wanting to know how she's doing, you see that she's having a good 'ol time getting drunk, not caring.

 

This is all because you saw her. This happened to me, you and I'm sure everyone who sees their ex before they're really "over" them. You're fine at first, proud at how composed you were, how well you took the meeting. Then BAM, back to square one. So no, I wouldn't break the ice. Re-read your posts. See your progress, try to remember how you felt and what you were doing to get to that point. You regressed. She has gained some control, now take it back!

[guiltyflood]

Thanks Loxxt! You've been a great supporter during these trying times for me.

 

Just when I post this, she sends a minor ping on facebook. It was a bit odd, though. A mutual friend was asking for some advice in a faraway city (as her status), to which I replied with a half-sarcastic, half-helpful comment. Today, my ex replied to the comment, only talking about how funny she thought my comment was (and offered nothing else in the form of advice). I find it a bit odd, because she is an avid facebook user, but this was her first direct comment towards me on facebook in nearly 3 months. It did not warrant a reply, so I'm not going to reply.

 

Anyway, a fellow poster PMed me and stated that just when you think the ex is moving on with her life, s/he breaks the silence and does something extremely subtle and minor to indicate that she is still there. I think that if we feel that way but are not giving in, that the ex also feels that way, but just has to send a minor ping as a reminder that they're still around. How do they do it?!?

[Loxxt]

That's why I post, to help!

 

Yah it's so true that they usually say or do some little thing outta the blue. I had an ex comment on a fb picture of my most recent ex and I saying how he was a lucky guy... It's a total mind f*ck! I had left that ex for another guy, dumped that guy to go back with my ex. The ex rejected me then I get with my most recent ex and like 6 months later he wrote that. Sheesh!

 

No one likes being ignored and more importantly feeling they're forgotten by someone they don't want to be forgotten by. She knows it'll mean something to you (like that msg did to me) but if you don't answer, she's left assuming but of you answer she'll know for sure.

 

She feels she has nothing to lose, nothing to hide, that's why she can comment on it like that. Think about why you don't want to contact her. You don't want to be rejected, friendzoned, hurt or embarassed. She doesn't have these fears so that's why she can say/do these things. That's why NC helps in balancing things out. A relationship needs to be balanced to have a chance. There needs to be a mutual understanding. By commiting to NC you are essentially dumping them back. Making them fear what you fear. Then after awhile has passed you are able to open those lines of communication after having BOTH experienced fear, rejection and most importantly healing. That's why I believe if a true reconciliation is to happen, a fair amount of time must pass. Otherwise you're in a situation akin to yours where you're healing and trying to reconcile meanwhile she's got the mentality that she has nothing to fear-least of which holding back on doing/saying things to you. She may be somewhat cautious but she's not nearly as cautious as you. This balance is starting to happen that's why you need to feed her crumbs. Too much and she has all the control.

 

Keep strong, you know what needs to be done!

[guiltyflood]

For sure! I have no intention of breaking NIC, but I just find it interesting that she would post that type of reply to me.

 

I know exactly what I need to do. I do think she misses me. Just got to keep working on myself and ONLY worrying about myself. Hopefully she'll catch some of my crumbs that way. Hopefully I can continue to shift the power over a little bit...

 

I got word today that she found out about my recent bout of health problems. I'm starting to feel that she's a bit involved in finding out about my personal life, but I'm making no assumptions!

[Loxxt]

She wants a reaction and your attention. But the real question is why. Does she want you back? Does she need an ego boost? Is she afraid to have you out of her life?

 

Right now she probably doesn't even know. I'd keep doing what you're doing. At this stage she's all panic. Things need to settle more before either of you can think clearly about everything.