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It's Complicated/Would like opinions


Lily05

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So I've been seeing this guy for about 3 months now. We've been on a dozen or so dates. Even went to this formal party and met alot of his friends.He treats me like a lady.Pays for everything.We just click. He said earlier how he doesnt really want to date and be emotinally responsible for anyone right now. He knows I'm not a fast woman and so all we do is heavy kissing when he walks me to my car goodbye. We hang out at least once a week maybe twice. And keep in touch on the phone through out the week. I told him earlier last week how amazing I think he is and how I really like him and sometimes I dont like how hot and cold he is...whatever nothing really came of that. We have an INTENSE sexual tension between us and after weeks of thinking about what I would be getting myself into I finally decided to say something to him about it. So I said to him what are we going to do about this sexual tension between us. He seemed really shocked at first and said it would be up to me what we did about it. We met up at our usual restuarant and talked more about it all. Some of the things he said was the following...How he was always concerned about kissing because it leads to emotions and again how he just is too busy and too focused on his two year son and job right now to want to be in a relationship and not to take it personal. He feels we have a connection and that he trust me and can be honest with me and thinks I'm a total package and wouldnt expect me to wait around for him. He said he was surprised that I said the sexual tension thing because he could have never had been that blunt and could have waited another 8 months for us to do anything. I told him I just didnt want our situation to change at all if we did sleep together.Anyway, we went to a hotel and sleep together. It was awkward and I think we both were nervous and thinking to much as it was happening. Afterwards he asked me if I was okay and I said I guess so I just was worried about things now. He said he didnt like that I said that and to not be so insecure and he said it was too soon for us to know how we were feeling at all right now because it just happened and wasn't sure if it would happen again and he would call me tomorrow. He did text me and asked me how I was the next day. I felt better about things and told him I was wonderful and was happy we did it and I couldnt wait till next time and asked how he was. He didnt text me back! He told me he was going to his hometown this weekend so I'm just going to say he busy but too busy to text me??? I'm just now going back and forth with regretting and not regretting what we did. Should I tell him how I'm feeling or just wait to see how he deals with it and leave the ball in his court? Do you think he's going to try to turn it into a friends with benefits thing? His comment about he wasn't sure if we should do it again concerns me? Do you think 3 months is too soon and he thinks low of me now? I just have alot of questions floating in my head and would like some support and opinions.

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i don't think that 3 months was too soon at all. rather, you said that he said on several occassions that he doesn't want a relationship right now because he doesn't want the responsibility. i think if you want a boyfriend, you should move on. i think that he is in a sense right - the dinner, kissing, sex, that can lead to a relationship, or make you want to have one. it seems like he is really resisting getting involved in a relationship and wants to maintain his distance. i wouldn't be surprised if he disappears on you soon. after sex, you want more (who wouldn't!?) and now you will want to see him more regularly, have more dates, and this is turning into a relationship, something he said he doesn't want.

 

i don't know - just be careful, i think there is a lot of potential here to get hurt.

 

did he have a nasty divorce or something? why is he so hesitant to be in a relationship

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I don't know why he's hesistant... Maybe he's interested but not enought,maybe he wants to take his time, maybe he's not ready to settle yet. I didn't really ask him. He just made it seem like he was focused on work and being a good father and didnt want to take time away from that with a full time realtionship.

 

The first couple of dates he I asked him if he dates other woman and he said I was the only woman he goes out with. Maybe he's being honest maybe he's lying but we do live in a small city so I tend to believe him. He may have someone in another city. If I asked him he would be honest. We are pretty honest with each other so far, more than other men that acutally were my boyfriends lol. But! He made it seem like yeah the first few dates he stated how he's getting older and kinda wants to find someone to settle down with vibe from him. So maybe he's still looking.

He did tell me that his sons mother, they were in a "open" relationship for years and he would have been deeply in love with her but he always felt she discouraged him from wanting greater things in life. So maybe she kinda spoiled him in a way lol. He said when he felt like he wanted to give it a chance just between them they realized it was too late.

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knowing what you do - that he would rather focus on work and being a father than being in a relationship at this time, is this what you want as well? are you ok with being #20 on his list of priorities? if you are looking for a casual thing as well, then stay with this guy. but i think if you are looking for a relationship, something that could be more serious, this is not the man for you.

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I'm really regretting us sleeping together today. I feel like he's turned into an * * * * * * * already.I just feel like I had the upper hand in the situation and he could have decided he did want a realtionship with me. But now that we slept together I feel like he has the upper hand now and maybe finally got what he wanted and is done with me now. I'm not playing victim because I kinda knew how things were, but he did get my hopes up here and there.I feel like I should tell him I really like him and he knew that and took advantage and we should stop seeing each other before it gets worse. I think I really had fallen for him and its tough and I don't know how to get out of this situation (espcially after sleeping together) the right way. Should I ignore him(which I think would be the hardest for me to do) NC and cut him out of my life with no explanation? Or should I write him a letter?

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What an odd situation. Doesn't sound like he is playing you or even seeing others, yet is oddly uninterested in sex (3 months is not too soon). With that being said, I don't see that he has done or said anything to lead you on - he sounds like a straight-up guy - so maybe just see what happens now that you have bumped things up a notch, so to speak. Stop discussing "feelings" with him for now. Enough has been discussed on that for the time being. Just enjoy each other's company.

 

Did you meet him on-line by any chance?

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Did I meet him online? Yes and No. We have a lot of mutual friends(old highschool friends) in common on facebook and saw his picture one day and friend requested him because I just thought he was cute. He then invited me to a coworkers bday party which I was an old time acquintence with and I went. Which is how we met in person the first time. Like I said we kinda live in a small city and I grew up here so alot of the friends he has I knew from way back. Their nice people and know we are kinda seeing each other. I also work with a good friend of is; But I hardly ever see his friend at work(we work in different departments) which is a good thing. I guess I'll hold off on saying anything more to him till he gets back in town tomorrow and see how much contact he tries to make. I just hate waiting to see!!

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i hate to be a negative nancy, but all of his actions are screaming to me that he doesn't want a girlfriend, and i think that having sex in hindsight, may not have been the best thing to do. i think you're going to get hurt if you wait around for this guy.

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i hate to be a negative nancy, but all of his actions are screaming to me that he doesn't want a girlfriend, and i think that having sex in hindsight, may not have been the best thing to do. i think you're going to get hurt if you wait around for this guy.

Maybe Annie is right. 3 months is a long time to not really be committed, IMO. Normally, I would not stick around that long if it was not yet a committed relationship. I did with one guy, and it never happened and I got really hurt.

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Yes, I just feel like he doesnt want me as a girlfriend not a girlfriend. But all his past stories makes me think he's just a not ready to settle completely yet. I think Annie is on to something. If want something casual then its great but I like him too much for that and don't want to lie to myself. What would be the best plan of actions with closing the door on it? An email /letter?

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well, i would say that the first course of action is to figure out what YOU want. i'd probably just talk to him about it, but if he says yet again that he just wants casual, and you don't, it's probably easiest to walk away, no hard feelings.

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I guess I need to be the one here to say it... If u knew he wasn't serious why would u sleep with him? U led yourself on and now u need to move on..

I think I need to have a kid.. Seems women like all these bad fathers

 

Well, I didnt mention my story and NOT that this is an excuse but my ex of a year left me the beginning of december for someone else. I pretty much started dating this guy a week or two later. Maybe now I'm realizing it's more a rebound thing. Also I know it sounds weird but I've never been attracted to someone like I was with him and thought I would regret it more if we never did. I would always would have wondered.

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