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My ex basically thinks shy guys are cowards.


redsoles

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So, my ex came back in town.

To my not so surprise, he still wants something with me.

I wont go into detail about why we aren't together. Long story short he's a jerk that always like to manipulate me. I couldn't take it anymore and left him. To his surprise, I was doing better without him which made him even more upset/needy.

 

Alright, so.. he went on about how much he loves me and things like that until i brought up my new love interest -

 

He went on to say "why are you talking to someone like that?" "he's shy? that's the stupidest thing i've heard. why are you approaching him. HE should approach you. He's not your type he doesn't seem right for you."

 

I was angry because wow, not all guys despite liking a girl, have the guts (no offense) to walk up and strike a conversation. Isn't that true?

They'd rather look at her from afar, and do little things to get her attention.

 

he told, "shy guys are cowards. they don't know how to be in a relationship. hes not fit for you" I ended it with saying "and you know how to be in one? You aren't fit for me either. Goodbye!"

 

So what do you think?

Does he have a point.. or shy guys, are you just scared sometimes?

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I second DN's post. He is a jerk who has, in the past, tried to manipulate you...and that is exactly what he is doing now. I would ignore him and focus on your new relationship. Sure, some shy guys can be cowards...but so can the outgoing guys who have no problems approaching women. Some men have no problems approaching women but are generally cowards when it comes to dealing with issues..people who are manipulative are cowards, because they resort to manipulation tactics to get what they want.

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Yup. It is. How does he know what type is 'fit' for me' I can assure you, I don't take interest in manipulative jerks that's for sure. I dont care if the guy is shy or confident.

But if I somehow feel something.. some form of closeness between that person, then that's something. Isn't it?

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The guy is a , nuff said.

 

Big-time jealousy and maybe a hint of insecurity on his part as well, therefore putting others down makes him believe that he is better.

 

It is true that not everyone has the courage/guts to approach a girl that they like. Everyone is different in their own unique way.

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He's just saying that stuff because the idea that you could be happier with someone else is not appealing to him. So he's trying to bring this guy down in your estimation.

 

I had this with my ex, though he was more subtle about it. My boyfriend lost his job and was out of work for a few months, and my ex always always always made a point of asking whether he'd found a job yet whenever we met up. And then going on about how people on benefits leach off the system etc etc. All in a 'general' way of speaking so I couldn't lay into him for saying things about my man directly.

 

It's jealousy. It's out of order, but it's also just a symptom of him not wanting you move on. Change the subject and if he won't let it go, end the conversation. If he wants to stay in touch then he'll stop doing it once he realises you won't take it.

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Everybody's different and not all guys are comfortable with doing the initating. There are some fellas out there who are just better at having someone who can take the lead and they'll bring up the rear. That's not in anyway a strike against him or any other guy out there like that. There are millions of great men out there like that. That's just the way some people prefer to roll, that's all.

 

He was just trying to stir something up, I wouldn't even talk to him.

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Well, being somewhat of a shy guy myself. I think simply equating shyness with cowardice is not only rude but demonstrate a certain degree of dumbness.

To define cowardice one must first define courage.

 

I find this definition very clear and concise.

"Courage is the mental and moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty."

Cowardice should therefore be defined as the lack of such strength.

However, to define strength one must define the burden one must overcome. E.g. you can't say you're stronger than me if you're lifting 20kg and I'm lifting 40 kg.

 

Naturally, burden varies between person to person.

 

To put it into context, many shy guys can be seen as having to overcome greater burden than the less shy ones. The burden being exaggerated adverse physiological or psychological response to communicating with the opposite sex. This may be a result of childhood upbringing, past experiences or simply, their genotype.

 

Hence, to answer the question, many shy guys are not cowards. They simply have to overcome greater burden. However, as to the exact fraction of shy guys who do not have a greater burden and are simply lacking in character, your guess is as good as mine.

 

If this still doesn't help you sleep at night or assuage the doubt at the back of your mind. Here's something else:

Your ex is a (editted by moderator). Don't let him ruin your happiness.

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Naturally, burden varies between person to person.

 

To put it into context, many shy guys can be seen as having to overcome greater burden than the less shy ones. The burden being exaggerated adverse physiological or psychological response to communicating with the opposite sex. This may be a result of childhood upbringing, past experiences or simply, their genotype.

 

Hence, to answer the question, many shy guys are not cowards. They simply have to overcome greater burden. However, as to the exact fraction of shy guys who do not have a greater burden and are simply lacking in character, your guess is as good as mine.

 

Everyone has burdens to overcome...it's those who perpetually rationalize why they can't overcome them that are cowards, or act in a cowardice manner...basically defeating themselves before taking a chance.

 

For instance, if I am shy, but I know that most women are attracted to guys who possess such qualities as confidence and mental strength (being able to handle rejection in any form) and I don't do anything about it (i.e. NOT approaching a girl who I'm interested in) because I believe I will never possess those qualities, I am being a coward.

 

However, I will concede that being a coward is circumstantial as well because in general, you wouldn't dare call a man who willingly goes to war, but is too afraid to approach a woman, a coward.

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Everyone has burdens to overcome...it's those who perpetually rationalize why they can't overcome them that are cowards, or act in a cowardice manner...basically defeating themselves before taking a chance.

 

For instance, if I am shy, but I know that most women are attracted to guys who possess such qualities as confidence and mental strength (being able to handle rejection in any form) and I don't do anything about it (i.e. NOT approaching a girl who I'm interested in) because I believe I will never possess those qualities, I am being a coward.

 

However, I will concede that being a coward is circumstantial as well because in general, you wouldn't dare call a man who willingly goes to war, but is too afraid to approach a woman, a coward.

 

We're all human beings, and who's to say approaching a woman is easy for everyone? I've done that before, just approached a woman, said "hi", and waited for something to happen. You know what happened? An awkward moment.

 

Confidence isn't just a light switch you flip to be a better human being. Strengthening your psyche is a very difficult process.

 

I think, for the most part, shy guys need some sort of a jump start so they can move forward. It took me a while because my family never talked about sex, drugs, or even meeting people. My brothers were more likely to criticize and abuse me than help me talk to girls (not that they were ladies' men, either).

 

Some men grow up in environments that encourage socialization. Some don't.

 

I'm not trying to provide excuses, but you have to realize the world isn't so black and white.

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It's not a burden that they caused. It's what the society and culture expects, you have to be confident, you have to look this and that, wear this right now, but if you don't act confident then there's something wrong with you.

 

In that sense I see it as discriminating and showing lack of respect and love towards one another. If we can embrace shy individuals, or anyone who we think lacks certain qualities, there would be less hate, less stereotyping and less conflict within ourselves towards others as well as an individual.

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We're all human beings, and who's to say approaching a woman is easy for everyone? I've done that before, just approached a woman, said "hi", and waited for something to happen. You know what happened? An awkward moment.

 

Confidence isn't just a light switch you flip to be a better human being. Strengthening your psyche is a very difficult process.

 

I think, for the most part, shy guys need some sort of a jump start so they can move forward. It took me a while because my family never talked about sex, drugs, or even meeting people. My brothers were more likely to criticize and abuse me than help me talk to girls (not that they were ladies' men, either).

 

Some men grow up in environments that encourage socialization. Some don't.

 

I'm not trying to provide excuses, but you have to realize the world isn't so black and white.

 

Of course confidence is something that is learned...I really believe that. But, as I said earlier, if you stop yourself from doing something that you really want to do because of fear, then this is cowardice or acting in a cowardly manner.

 

So, if I go up to a woman and I'm scared, trembling, feeling awkward, it doesn't matter because I at least faced my fear (acted in a courageous manner). The end result is that if I constantly do this with the right attitude (i.e., that I will eventually succeed in whatever my goal is: Get a girlfriend, or improve my confidence) it will build confidence and better self-esteem.

 

I know this because I started off as a shy guy myself. But, I didn't want to be this way anymore so I did something about it and I'm succeeding in this area of my life.

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It's not a burden that they caused. It's what the society and culture expects, you have to be confident, you have to look this and that, wear this right now, but if you don't act confident then there's something wrong with you.

 

This is bordering on a victim mentality.

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Everyone has burdens to overcome...

Absolutely, but would you dare say your burden's greater than everyone else's? As Organ rightfully points out, burden varies with cultural and familial background.

 

it's those who perpetually rationalize why they can't overcome them that are cowards, or act in a cowardice manner...basically defeating themselves before taking a chance.

I absolutely agree there. Perhaps if the topic was "guys who perpetually rationalise why they can't overcome their fear of women are cowards" this may be more appropriate. However, the topic being "shy guys are basically cowards", your posts can be read by some people as "all shy guys perpetually rationalise and are therefore cowards". I'm sure you don't meant to offend.

 

For instance, if I am shy, but I know that most women are attracted to guys who possess such qualities as confidence and mental strength (being able to handle rejection in any form) and I don't do anything about it (i.e. NOT approaching a girl who I'm interested in) because I believe I will never possess those qualities, I am being a coward.

Agreed. Perhaps a fraction of shy guys out there could act like this, but does this necessarily equal cowardice?

Let's say, for convenience's sake, it is.

Are you arguing that all shy guys are like this? If you are, prove it. If you are not, how then, can you argue that "shyness is a form of cowardice"?

 

This is bordering on a victim mentality.

Labelling carries the possibility of offending. Identifying one of society's vices is not the same as bordering victim mentality. If he is bogged down by it - that's more like victim mentality.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Many guys ARE shy. I don't know why people accept that women are shy sometimes but have trouble understanding that men can be shy, too. And if you take the approach of "guys just aren't shy," then you could miss out on something wonderful. I shudder to think of how many times a male and female were interested in each other, but he was a bit more shy than she, and she was just about to ask him out, when a "friend" said, "No, don't bother. Guys aren't shy. If he's not asking you out, then he's not interested in you." And so, because of adhering to stupid stereotypes, they both miss out on something special.

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Yeah but what is the difference between 'shy' and not interested?

Because sometimes actually, quite often guys that ARE interested but shy, give off this behavior as if they weren't interested..

 

 

someone want to give me the difference? It could save me a lot of trouble LOL

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shudder to think of how many times a male and female were interested in each other, but he was a bit more shy than she, and she was just about to ask him out, when a "friend" said, "No, don't bother. Guys aren't shy. If he's not asking you out, then he's not interested in you." And so, because of adhering to stupid stereotypes, they both miss out on something special.

 

I gotta agree with you on that. Only if we were mind readers eh?

All my friends tell me this all the time, "What? Guys aren't shy, he probably isn't it you." Okay I can tell when a guy isn't into me, it's pretty obvious...

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Yeah but what is the difference between 'shy' and not interested?

Because sometimes actually, quite often guys that ARE interested but shy, give off this behavior as if they weren't interested..

 

 

someone want to give me the difference? It could save me a lot of trouble LOL

The difference is that the shy guy will probably respond well to you asking him out whereas the not-interested guy will refuse.
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