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So it's been 7 weeks since my girlfriend finished with me, and it's been quite a hell-ish rollercoaster for me.

 

To cover the background story, we were 3 weeks away from our 6-year anniversay together (bf & gf). I had just finished the first term of my Masters degree and she, her first year of her Undergraduate degree, after having a year out and changing course/university after her previous first year. We'd managed to secure a place at the same university and were both so happy to finally be much closer together, living on campus only a few minute's walk away.

 

I had just finished a rather difficult 5000 word essay, which had been hanging over me and getting in the way of parties and such for most of the Christmas holiday, and my ex knew this, so arranged to travel into central London and do loads of nice things (dinner, shopping for CDs, DVDs, etc. etc., going to see a show). After arriving back, she asked if we could go to my room, but it had been a long walk back from the train so we ended up at hers, and I walked back to my room later on.

 

In the morning she asked if she could come round, and I, being on top of the world with the work off my shoulders and some new music and films to enjoy was excited to see her, looking into medicine courses (something I was planning for the future, for a comfortable income for us both). When she turned up however, she lay straight down on my bed and started to cry, telling me she didn't think we should be together anymore, stating that she didn't think we should get married, divorce rates were so high; if we married, we might be 40 and have children and get a divorce, and so on, telling me that we 'had to still be friends though - I was a part of her, she couldnt live without me', then hugged my head, kissed my hair a few times and left. In questioning a close friend of both of us, she mentioned her saying "she'd lost the butterflies in her stomach everytime she sees me", to which the friend said to me, and hopefully to her -"everyone loses those, they don't stay forever..."

 

At first I was pretty much fine, her flatmates (my only proper friends here) invited me to a houseparty with them and I was feeling almost content. She stayed in her room, supposedly crying for the rest of the evening and telling all her friends. But by a day or two later, everything had flipped upside down. I was yearning for her and had 'realised the error of my ways', trying to think up all the possible reasons things had made her feel this way, ended up trying to appeal to her, several times over the course of a month.

 

I also read back through old text messages; only weeks before she had told me she hopes "i never stop loving her" and "doesn't ever want us to not be together and do the things we do". I was convinced by this that she MUST still love me - "no one can feel that way only weeks before and the next, nothing at all!" When I approached her about it, feeling on top of the world, she just crushed my spirits, saying it was just a melodramatic moment, she didn't mean any of it. Of course this was ridiculous, but it still crushed me into a pulp.

 

I became dependent on seeing her to function, I'd invite her to the supermarket, to hang out for a day, etc. and she'd oblige, we watched DVDs together and while she was around, I felt great, only to be met with a depression and longing once she was gone again. I fed off every little 'sign' that she wanted me still.

 

This entire time, I'd been almost exiled to my room. All of my social contact and support came from her and her flatmates, and now she had decided with each appeal, that she thought less contact would be the best idea, until there was 'no hope that we'd get back together'. Her flatmates were too uncomfortable inviting me round so I ended up sitting around day-in, day-out trying to concoct ways to fix things, while attempting to make a new social group. My flatmates are all busy, reclusive Post-grad students too, so there was no support to be had here. Eventually one of the ex's flatmates persuaded me to join the A Cappella choir with her and her boyfriend, whom I was close friends with.

 

I did, and made so many friends, as well as coming accross girls who seemed interested in me, bringing hope and excitement back into my depressing situation. This confused things somewhat, however, as I still had an intense and burning hope that the ex would come around. I'm afraid of getting into a relationship with any of them however, as I feel the only real reason I would be would be just to make my ex jealous, and to use a girl like this even though I was interested would be terrible. On top of this, I'm only at the uni for another few months and would have to break it off afterwards - something I don't think my heart could withstand so soon.

 

I had entered a kind of NC with the ex, only talking to her if she approached me, blocking her for hours or days at a time, and appearing 'away' on MSN nearly the rest of the time. The few times I would be 'online' or sign in as 'away' she'd almost instantly greet me, and start talking whether I'd replied or not, she'd hang around online while I was 'away' or 'busy' until I'd apparently gone offline (but not actually) and would sign out. As I responded/appeared online less, she began trying to get in contact via phone, texting and phoning to ask about times and dates of trains back home, 'how to get to shop X in central london' etc. to initiate communication, then continuing to string the conversation along afterwards.

In several of our meetings she's said things like 'You look nice' upon meeting, or mentioning looking through our photos in relation to something she's talking about.

 

It reached a point of being invited to a standup comedy evening alone together. I was obviously excited and hopeful, and the signs got even more 'obvious' to me as the evening went on. "I was wondering if you wanted to go watch?", so I'd ask a time and place, which she gave, but followed up with an invitation to her room half an hour beforehand. Again, I cautiously accept and dress to impress before heading over, a few minutes late. I arrive and she phones asking 'how I was getting along', telling her I was outside. As I open the door, she's already talking down the intercom at me, and when I come up to the flat door, she's there, grinning with her face pressed against it. She lets me in and joyfully bounces down the corridor to her room and lets me in. There's a new photo on her wall, with me, her, her friend and her friend's boyfriend, from when we went on holiday together.

 

We have a brief 'so how're you, whatcha been upto- any news?' and then go to the comedy evening. It's generally great, we laugh along, I offer to buy her a drink which she declines, she mentions wanting a chocolate bar, and while the show continues, she asks if I want to go into town to the supermarket to get one, which I agree to. We pass several fuel stations and I make a move towards one, but for some reason she wishes to continue rather than go to the station then and there. We end up walking back and outside her flat, she procrastinates slightly about the smell of flowers, trying to find the source of the smell, to no avail. We hug and depart.

 

Obviously, I read into all of this as a huge 'SHE WANTS ME BACK' thing and get my hopes up, of course I haven't mentioned it to her at all, or any other relationship hopes since the last time around a month ago. The last time we spoke was yesterday, when she texted apologetically asking how to find bookshop X again, asking how I was?? and then, leaving her to find it herself (why should I help her anymore? I don't want to be her safety blanket if we aren't together) she texts back 15-20 mins later telling me she found it, and that whatever she was looking for was expensive. I concur that it is indeed expensive, telling her that I'm 'great' and asking the same of her. She makes a joke about hating the department she needs the book for, and I make a joke in reply which she laughs about and asks some other question about, to which I dont reply.

 

To try to summarise that into some smaller chunks, there are so many ambiguous signals flying around that I have no idea what to do with them.

 

The original reason for the breakup seems so ridiculous, likely to be regretted and stupid that I have so much hope things will be fixed, whether now or some day in the future.

 

I question whether, if it does happen, it would be a wise move.

This is our second break-up; the first happened 3 years ago, over something entirely different (I was jealous, we argued quite a bit about it, fixed after a week of friendship then NC).

Since it's the second, I wonder if she's really worth the hassle of a third try, assuming she ever tries to patch it up. I love the hell out of her and was hoping to spend the rest of my life with her but as a second breakup, perhaps she's too unreliable. I like to think I'd tell her 'no, you're not worth the trouble' but if I'm honest, I'd take her back immediately.

 

I've started feeling slightly less obsessive about it all however, I've started to remember back to the beginning when I did feel fine about it ending, and trying to remember if it was almost what *I* wanted too, and I think perhaps it was. It might have been irrational anger at her for thinking it was a good idea and that I would be fine with someone else, or it might have been genuine, I really don't know. But the idea of complete NC is getting much more appealing, and I currently feel I'm moving away from 'I want her back, I'll try anything' to 'I don't really want to see her anymore, I just want to forget it all and move on'. Again, I don't know if this is just a coping mechanism or I really feel this way but it's there in my head at least.

 

My future still feels hopeless however; she was very dear to me and I question whether I will ever find someone who has the same mixture of enthusiasms and interests, or the same level of devotion and passion for me. My plans were set around living with her in London and setting up work from here, but now that I have no one to keep me here, I wish to merely return home, where I have no idea of work prospects (I wish to be a composer, a lot of work in London, and next-to-none in my home town) or of prospective future partners (all of the girls and social groups I have back at home are ones that don't suit my preferences for a dependable future partner). All I can do is finish my course and get out of here as quick as possible, unless things change; I feel hopeless but at least my family and friends are behind me.

 

I'm sure there are more things I want to say but they've gone from my memory for now. Thanks for reading if you made it this far

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to be honest, it sounds like she is just using you as a security blanket. If you really love someone, even the prospect of it ending when you are 40 w/ kids does not deter your wanting to be with them. She doesn't see a future between you two, that is clear, but not because she fears you will get a divorce.

 

It's hard to say exactly what is going on in her head, but from what you have said, you should move on. Do not allow her to keep you around for when she feels insecure or wants to feel 'loved' by someone. I know it seems like you may not ever find someone as suitable for you as her, but it is highly likely you will, and perhaps you will find someone better, someone who won't break up with you because she fears a divorce at 40.

 

I had a best friend who dumped her boyfriend because they were living together, had two cats together, and she said she felt trapped, worried about divorce in the future etc etc (alright, fair enough reasons) HOWEVER, not even a year later, she was married to another guy. Obviously, she felt trapped by the guy that didn't give her butterflies, not the idea of commitment. This seems to be the situation, or at least something very similar.

 

I've had a few very serious relationships in my life, one that was 7 years long, and in all I felt like they were the 'one' and that no one would be more suitable. However, with each consecutive serious relationship, I found someone more and more suitable until, at present, I have a guy I didn't even dream existed. You will find that too (a girl, I mean hehehe), but you have to let go of this girl who is, really, just keeping you around for her own selfish reasons. Is that really someone suitable as a long term partner? IMHO, she's not.

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Thanks, yes, I think you're probably right, at least as far as she's convinced herself that this is the case.

 

I had an unintentional evening with her after meeting some of her flatmates for the evening. I've just arrived back from her flat, after having a Chinese takeaway and watching a film with them. She kept watching/looking at me a lot of the time, and constantly sat really close to me the whole time (like, inside my 'personal space'). She was also actively making direct communication with me, rather than the rest of the friends there, and kept making unnecessary physical contact such as brushing her hand along my shoulders when passing or leaning on my shoulders when climbing down off the bed we were all sitting on to eat. I don't know what to make of it, she certainly had some weird connection going on but I dont know whether its faint attraction or messed-up intimate-friends-feelings.

 

Whatever the case, my sights are still set on moving on and not living in the past, unless she does for some reason turn round and tell me it was a huge mistake. I hope you're right about finding someone better and better each time, even if I can't see it now.

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