Jump to content

My relationship is in serious trouble...


perth_man87

Recommended Posts

You might know me from a previous post on here but I was saying that I was a bit 'sex obsessed'. (Here's the end of it ) I couldn't help being turned on when I was alone with my girlfriend and I was beginnning to realise that she wasn't exactly happy about it.

 

Well today I found out how unhappy she really is about it. Today I texted her to see what she was up to. She said that she was just texting and doing her chemistry study for exams. I had been feeling a bit hurt all week that she really didn't seem into me at all- she was short with me and just generally not making me feel loved at all. So I asked her who she was texting, not at first because of jealousy because we usually text for ages with each other and her not caring to include me on that pushed me over a bit especially when I found out who. Her best (female friend) and another guy who she is friends with but long story short I have good reason to not trust. I came right out and said how come you aren't texting me and she said that she just didn't think about it. Then I decided to tell her how I had felt and then I found out why she had been acting like that.

 

She told me that she doesn't like being alone with me anymore because it always leads to sex and she is really over it. After the last time it happened she felt as thought she was losing her feelings for me and that all I wanted was sex. She also thought that when we talk it's mostly crap- nothing remotely serious just annoying each other and joking ect. I had to pretty much quote from what I had said in that earlier thread to her about wanting to change and that it wasn't going to be like that next time and all I wanted was a chance to do it. It's a bit unclear as to what she thinks about us but all I know is is that we are still together and I think she's giving me that chance. Only thing is she isn't giving me a chance.

 

For the rest of the day she has become even more indifferent and short with me. I thought the best plan of action for getting our relationship back on the rails was to try to act normal- I mean what else could I do? I try to think of good things to talk about but for the last few hours it's almost become me saying something and her answering it. She's not interested in the conversation at all and when I was trying to talk about something serious (I told her my sister has depression and my mum was going up to see her again in the week) she completely brushed me aside. I had only found out yesterday that my sister has depression and has anxiety attacks and told her that I hope she's not cutting herself. She said to me in almost exactly these words "don't be stupid your mum would see it". Now that's the worst of what she has said to me since, but long story short- she really isn't giving me a chance.

 

I don't know what to do here. Should I tough it out until school on Monday and hope that I can improve things in person? Or should I tell her right now that she's out of line?. I've only just found out how she feels about us which is hurtful in itself ("I haven't felt anything in a long time" is a a phrase that's now burned into my brain), and she's really making it difficult for me to keep going. I know what I have done is wrong- one of the worst things I could have done- but am I wrong to expect something better from her? Sorry for the long story but I've never been good at writing short ones. On the bright side hopefully it will keep away people who aren't serious and it also gives you guys most of the details to better assess the situation.

 

But one thing I won't do is leave her- hell before she said all this I had plans to tell her I love her for the first time! And I still do but I am not in a good way at the moment...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1) You're really young.

2) At your age, your sex drive is going to be higher than most girls.

3) Do you really want to be in a relationship so young?

4) Don't tell her you love her.

5) Consider dating lot's of girls. You're young. Live a little.

6) Especially at your age, don't worry about 1 girl. Make yourself the priority in your life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand what you're saying here but I still really want to be with her, I like our relationship. in answer to your second point, my sex drive is too high, it's not right and I have been using her. But I want to change that. I won't tell her I love her for a while just so it doesn't seem like I am only saying it to make her stay.

 

And I have two reasons to not want to date lots of girls.

1) I'm not really the dating type, so far as I know so far anyway- I'm not outgoing or into hookups, I like the security and love of a relationship.

 

and 2) she is important to me and I don't want to throw away the best 6 months of my life. REALLY. I didn't like myself much before her and she makes me feel good as a person.

 

I appreciate that you want me to play the field and, in the end, it might prove to have been the best course of action, but I really feel like I need to keep going with this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i think you're sweet, but i think this is a long shot. mainly because she has left it build up inside of her for so long. this is as much as her fault as it is yours, for not expressing herself. it's great that you've realized that you've hurt her (even though it's unintentional) and i guess you just have to tell her that. i'm not sure how much she'll believe it since you guys didn't do much besides sex and shallow talks (and i've been there myself, didn't believe the guy either), but tell her that you're willing to try and improve because you value her (list her attributes and be genuine, don't say something general, be specific and add some humour) and you're going to need her help by expressing herself and telling you what she needs. you're not a mind-reader. tell her you what you said here, about not wanting to throw 6 months (i was under the impression it was a yr?) away.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for that. I have pretty much said all of that to her as well though. I told her she has given me all of five seconds to realise it, and that I want to improve (although I had made similar (although not the same) remarks to her before in regards to sex).

 

I was hesitant to say many nice things as she hasn't really responded to those in the past- she calls it "sucking up". And I didn't want it to sound like I was lumping all of these compliments on her now since she has said all of this. She has a pretty good bull**** detector and even though I mean it she would only think what I said before.

 

I hope I can win her back. She says that she hasn't felt anything since the last time but I know that it hasn't been like that- I can at least tell from her sometimes. So I'm hoping that she was just saying it that way to make her point clear.

 

And also another thing is that I sometimes misconstrue what she means in texts sometimes. I use a lot of smileys, mostly 's when I'm joking, but she doesn't do that much and it is very easy to take what she means sometimes as something completely different. Now since I am so upset about what's happening I think some of it might just be me seeing what I "want" to see, if you understand me.

 

I'll just have to give it my best shot this week.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi!

I've been in almost the exact same situation you are in now, and I've got to tell you, man. when her frustration has built up and her feelings have dwindled for some time, your chances are really slim. I suspect that you're growing somewhat desperate day by day, and she is sensing this for sure. I'd advice you to do something totally unexpected: Turn off your pressure COMPLETELY. I say this because I can imagine to possible outcomes: 1) You get through this because she gets some space to breathe and relax in, and she might get in touch with her feelings for you again. However, I think that you (only you) should get some advice from a priest or a counsellor. I have a feeling that there are two main problems: You are smothering her physically and mentally, and you have broken your promises too often (your word becomes worthless). 2) You break up, but it will be a good break-up, and you'll both get to keep your dignity. Ugly break-ups make people do really stupid things to themselves and eachother.

 

Any help?

 

 

Wolf

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And by the way. STOP communicating through the phone in any way! It's the worst form of communication, and in this situation such communication is almost an insult to the other. It's like I know we're in a really tight spot right now, but I won't bother with meeting up and talking to you in person (you're not THAT important to me). See my point?

 

 

 

Wolf

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I also forgot to mention that this is why she broke up with her last boyfriend (they did everything except for sex though). So when she has me not keeping promises and that in the back of her mind she might be pretty sick of it. Although what you have said points to me having slim chances I still have hope we can get through it- it's all I really can do right now. I will try to back off like you said though I think I might be doing that a bit.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And by the way. STOP communicating through the phone in any way! It's the worst form of communication, and in this situation such communication is almost an insult to the other. It's like I know we're in a really tight spot right now, but I won't bother with meeting up and talking to you in person (you're not THAT important to me). See my point?

 

 

 

Wolf

 

I see what you mean about communicating but I don't really have much choice. We both have midcourse exams at the end of next week so we are both really busy with all of that, and I think she would prefer if I didn't come over and get in the way of that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This might seem kind of cold, but if that is the situation, I think you should see her in person and tell her that you want to give her space, and that you don't want to communicate through the phone due to current circumstances. Now remenber, if you do this, that is you giving her your word - stick to your plan and keep it for both your sakes.

 

Less is more pip dawg

 

 

 

Wolfdawg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

my suggestion is that you take her on a romantic weekend somewhere (no sex!) where you two can just talk and reconnect.

 

i agree that she let things fester for too long. it sounds like she is feeling that the connection you two have is superficial and is just about sex and fun and she may want more at this stage.

 

what is it you like about HER that you can't get from another woman? what is special about her? women want to be made to feel like they are special. you can have sex and laugh with a million other women. but why do you want to be with HER?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think whoever said to give her space is completely right. Damn I didn't realize she already broke up with the guy before you over the same thing. That really really hurts your cause more than I thought at the beginning of the thread. But I agree with giving her space, because I have been in relationships that I gave up hope on because I thought there was too much damage done, and I layed off completely NC and it was easy because I really thought she was 100% done with me. Low and behold 2 weeks later she called saying she evaluated everything, started thinking with her head instead of her emotions, and she believed we could work it out. Don't lose hope friend. Sometimes all that is needed is space to let them stop their emotions from controlling their actions.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is also her fault in a big way that makes me feel like I've been treated really unfairly! Apart from the mature way of dealing with problems in relationships (talk about it), I even explicitly told her when we first started going out that if I was ever like him then she should tell me about it. That never happened and the only indicator I got that there was something wrong was when she told me that she just lets me have sex with her to stop me being all over her. She didn't say anything about her thinking that all I wanted from her was sex- looking back on it I can understand how she felt but it was ambiguous from where I stood then- that was the reason I STARTED that old thread!

 

But even the way I finally found what was wrong came down to ME. I was HURT by how she had been acting lately. She is texting other guys, not wanting to spend our 6 month anniversary with me so she can go to a little sleepover party with her friends! and then there was just the general indifference she has shown me while I was trying to fawn over her every second we are together. (and just note I haven't been smothering her either we have always made time for friends)

 

One time one or two weeks ago I now feel particularly hurt about. There are these two other guys in our frees (that we used to have alone) that she has gotten to be good friends with (one of them was the guy she was texting yesterday). Now I try not to be the jealous type and I think I was completely reasonable after weeks of them touching each others legs and feeling each others legs for fun to be a bit unhappy. It's a joke to them, just messing around and whatever but as you can imagine it really hurts me. At the end of the period I got away from all of that really quickly and went to my next period (which was a "study", like a free period but we are in a classroom for some reason) which she was in and we sat together. But then it was really tense (someone even asked me afterwards if something was wrong) and she didn't want to talk to me all period. I tried to think of something to say but it wasn't coming. Then I had to write a note to her, to see if I was the one that had done something wrong, and then she looks at ME like I asked her what 1+1 is and tells me no.

 

If she does decide to break up with me I think that I can have some little reassurance that I don't think it's my fault. I had problems- yes serious ones- but she did too, and I ALWAYS told her when I was unhappy. And even then I had to BARGAIN WITH HER!

 

She is with those two guys in a different maths class and they sit together and frankly that really annoys me. She actually asked me if them being in her maths class annoyed me and I told her everything that you could imagine that I felt about that- except without ever accusing her of being unfaithful. The first thing she says back is along the lines of 'everything we do together is for fun, I'm not interested in them at all'. And it comes off with her feeling that I am jealous and overprotective. I told her 'fine, just don't tell me what you get up to in there because I don't want to hear about it.' And this is after she has said that one of them was 'jokingly' looking through the slit in the buttons on her top so they could see her bra. I let them get away with that so I didn't kill her fun.

 

And then on the day I was away in one of her frees, the other guy stole her flash drive and then put it down his pants. Then told her there was no way that she would get it out herself. She "tried" telling him to give it back. But what does she do? She puts her hand down another guys pants. She told me about it, at least. Yeah, she told me about HOW SQUISHY HIS PENIS FELT. I told her that she can't do that, it's just too far and then she finally agreed to not do it, but again with the attitude that I should have put up with it.

 

Wow, I've kind of gone on a rant here but really it gives you a good idea of what I've had to put up with. And I still love her. So if she does break up with me, then I think I might share all of that and say how much I have had to overlook for her. I still want to be with her with all my heart and if she lets me, then I will change for her, but I think that her wanting to break up with me is a bit rich after all of this. Or am I not looking at all of these the right way, what do you guys think?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ok, man, sorry if I stab you in the heart with this one, but I see all the warning signs here: She's acting moody, unfair, hostile, distant, and she's CLEARLY flirting with other boys. And the thing is, as you put it, this might not be your fault at all. A wise man once told me that one of the main reasons relationships end is that people are committed on different levels. I fear that she's far less committed to this relationship than you are, and at the same time she senses that you have the I love you on the tip of your tongue. Normally, the boy would be the one in this state But it goes both ways... I could be wrong (these things are tricky to pinpoint, and offering advice is a dangerous gift), but I choose to speak up because I've been in almost the excact same situation as you are now. The similarity is eerie at the least.

 

My advice is to go practically NC from now on, and aim for an absolutely non-emotional conversation sometime soon. And I really mean non-emotional conversation. Set the rules beforehand: No cursing, interrupting, raising your voices at all, wild accusations, or unfounded blaming. In short: no abuse.

 

That being said... I really hope I'm wrong on this one, but I think you are heading for a break-up pretty soon. Prepare for the worst at least. And remember that whatever happens, keep your dignity and integrity safe for future use!

 

 

 

Yours truly, Wolf

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the advice but I'm still hoping it's wrong too. I mean like I said I could just not be seeing some things clearly. It's just well, she told me she loved me and then changed her mind after the last time I used her. She told me she didn't really mean it and then I said I didn't mind as long as she was still happy enough to be with me, and she said she was. Maybe she changed her mind since then?

 

I think all I can do is keep trying to save the relationship. I don't think she has completely made her mind up yet and if I try to be the perfect boyfriend at school it might get better.

 

But I may as well say now that if we do break up I will lose all dignity and integrity I am pretty soft and I know that I will just be crying and not even be able to talk properly. Hell all of this made me cry a few times yesterday.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah I'm already learning what not to do which is good. She seems a bit better towards me today too (I know you said about not using phones but it's how we talk a lot of the time and if I stopped then she might think that I was angry with her or take it to be something else). I actually read some of my texts from last night (on this crappy old phone it doesn't hold many so I haven't got all of them but anyway) and they may not be as bad as I first thought when I read them. It's like I said before about seeing what you "want" to see.

 

Anyway I think I have a bit of hope. Oh and another thing I forgot to say that might (clutching at straws here but it's still worth it help. Her last boyfriend was also into... showing her off. Have you seen a guy like that before? It was like he wanted everyone to know that they were together and as you can imagine she didn't like it.

 

Now fast forward to me. It's getting colder and one day I decided while we were sitting on our bench to sort of hug her sitting down you know what I mean? And I liked doing that because it let me be close to her and best of all it didn't give me an instant boner like before So I decided to do it every day but then yesterday when we were talking about everything she had said she was thinking that maybe I was trying to show her off. But I think I explained in a way that sounded nice and she seemed to react well to that. I still think I will not do it as much anymore just to mix it up a bit and not make it routine, like a chore. But I think she liked that.

 

I'm still worried about that other guy though. To keep it anonymous I'll call him guy #1 and his mate guy #2. Out of the two of them, guy #2 was the one that was more doing all of the feeling up ect and guy #1 only did it a little bit. But now guy #2 has gone on work placement so it's just the 3 of us- me, her and guy #1. Guy #1 actually told me a few weeks ago that we would have a "truce" (it's not really, but he said he would cut all that out) and I was very relieved. But now I'm worried that his new "nice guy" persona will be worse. Should I talk to him about it? Is that not really fair since they are friends? Guy #2 will be coming back tomorrow though maybe that will make things better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's all about drawing a definite line. If someone crosses it, let them know. If she lets other people cross it regulary, let her know (the best thing would be if you and she had the same line). But this line has to be crystal clear and well founded so you can "defend" it if someone "attacks" it.

 

I still think you should take a step back and stay off the phone like i suggested. It's all about the big wheels: Things may seem a little better one day, and you start sliding back into the same situation again almost without noticing, and you'll be back where you started. Stick to the master plan at all times, no matter how "wrong" it might feel at the moment! I think I've given you as much good advice as I dare, and I sincerely hope you follow it (with caution).

 

And btw, you seem like an intelligent young man. Should things go badly, you'll grow your way into a new and stronger relationship in time Message me some day if you like

 

 

 

Wolf

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah that sounds like a good idea I told her that I'm not comfortable with that and she said I should get it out myself if it happens next time It feels like things are getting better by the second! I'm trying to have meaningful conversation with her and it's really working.

 

I will get off the phone eventually I think- it really does starve us of real conversation a bit, and maybe if I took the phone away I could get some better study done.

 

Thanks for saying all that, I'll message you right now with my email address so if you ever wanted to you could email me or if you do msn (I don't much but come on sometimes) we could chat on that

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ask her if she needs her space and give it to her if she says that's what she would like. You want to have sex with her because you're in love with her, right? Tell her this. Say that it's a way of expressing your affection towards her (if that is indeed the case), but you will try your best to curb your horniness (lol) so that she doesn't think that you are just using her. Let things go back to the way they were before you started being intimate and then let her take the lead from then on. I also disagree with the poster that said your girlfriend (ex, whatever) is flirting with other guys. This may or may not be the case, but keep talking with her and encourage her to communicate and things will be ok.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And by the way. STOP communicating through the phone in any way! It's the worst form of communication, and in this situation such communication is almost an insult to the other. It's like I know we're in a really tight spot right now, but I won't bother with meeting up and talking to you in person (you're not THAT important to me). See my point?

 

 

 

Wolf

 

Second that ^^^^^^^

Link to comment
Share on other sites

SugarDonut it's not really space that's the problem she said that she kind of lost all of her feelings for me. We had a decent chat today at recess and I tried to tell her nice things about her (I decided to say that I loved her for the first time too). Things are a little bit better- she still said it's going to take a while and I said I'm ok with that (I'm ecstatic that she's giving me the chance at all) but I feel like I'm not hated as much by her anymore (it's kind of a mindset thing I have if she's cranky with me then it's hard for me to talk to her, it's not as natural to do).

 

I understand what you mean TrueFact but that's not really the problem she's not upset by me being upset by that at all. Honestly I don't think it's neediness at all I was justified.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...