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After 15 years she never really loved me


Zen X

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My wife and I were married for 7 years but have been together for 15 years and shared an amzing relationship one that others admired. We had 2 children together then all of a sudden her personality started to change but the marrige was still great but slowly she changed more and started going out with freinds more frequently. then 3 months later she told me she didnt love me and never really did. She said she wanted to love me but couldnt and that it took so long because she denied her feelings because I was such a great guy and so easy to love. only a year ago some freinds were going through a seperation and it was a huge shock and I said wow this could happen to anyone she replied not us we have too much love for each other. Now Im left with such a feeling of rejection and low self asteam and zero confidence while she is looking better then ever and excited to start a new life. how do i make sense of this and try to trust her enough to have a decent relationship as parents.

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Do you know if she cheated on you and that is why she has left you? Many people who cheat on their partner, be it emotional cheating or physical cheating, get so wrapped up in the cheating relationship that they tend to re-write history with regards to their partner. They will make claims that they never really loved the partner, when in reality they are simply blinded by the excitement of having an affair. You say your wife changed..this is where the problem lies...she is trying to justify her change by re-writing the history of her relationship with you. This is all about her trying to justify her actions so her mind is coming up with excuses to get out of the marriage and possibly move on with another partner. I wouldn't take it as the gospel truth that she never loved you...it is just that her feelings have changed and so now she wants to justify it. At any rate, it was a cruel thing for her to say. Just make sure you protect yourself financially.

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Thank you for the advise and wow you really hit on some major things. as far as I know she didn't physically cheat on me but she definitely cheated on me emotionly. We were best freinds and three months before this happened she started hanging out with a gay friend of hers and yes he is definitely gay but they would talk for hours and stay out until morning. and she started pulling away from me emotionaly but getting closer to me physicaly i was very confused. but i trusted her so much that even when freinds questioned the behavour i said come on she would never cheat on me she is just going through some changes. but yes she is definitely rewriting history and totally focused on the negatives and there really wasnt that many but she remembers them all.

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yes I think that may be correct i did ask her if she was attracted to him and she said no but with some hesitation and uncomfort. and we had always had a good sex life but it got incredible just before the end. just to add even more confussion and hurt.

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15 years? I think there must of been love there. I don't think it would be very possible- if she was putting off breaking up because she liked being with you well why did she say she wanted to be married to you? Why did she decide to have KIDS? I mean it could happen but it just seems like such a waste of time to me if I imagine myself as her. 15 years down the toilet- your best years too, 2 kids of (not meaning offence to you) baggage for her to explain to her next boyfriend, AND a failed marriage. It doesn't really make sense- she must of realised sooner.

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I agree that there was most certainly love there I felt it or i wouldnt have stayed in fact the foundation of our marriage was that we loved each other so we always promised we would try and work anything out. And always did not that there was too much adversity. I loved her with all my heart and would have tried to the best of my ability to work together to save the marriage and our family but I never got the chance. somthing changed in her and I'm not sure what but I cant help feeling that I failed in some way you are right that why would she leave and have the baggage unless she had a reason.

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From the way I see it I would not blame yourself at all. You didn't change- she did. I am thinking that maybe she put it like that to convince the both of you that you shouldn't be together any more. She said it like that for you so that you would not come after her because she essentially "voided" your relationship by saying there was no love. She also said it like that for herself, or she has gotten in that frame of mind herself to make sure she can get out without remorse. I am just guessing here but that's all I can come up with.

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Thanks but it is hard to not blame yourself especialy when the other person leaves so quickly her words were there is no hope. I have been guessing for 6 months and I'm no closer I think I'm still getting over the shock. This is the first time i have really wanted to talk about it other then with family and a therapist.

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It's natural for it to take a long time to get over a long relationship. Without knowing all the details I would still say that you are in the right though. If the reason she left was because of your character flaws, then she should have had the decency to point them out.

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We all have our flaws and after 8 years together before we got married im pretty sure she new them well and I am pretty safe in saying I have grown alot over the years and alot of my flaws got better not worse and the few things she did bring up later on were miner things that she always new about and they had never bothered her before so i felt like she was just justifying but I still worry that theres somthing I don't realize that I did and she won't tell me but i can't figure out what it could be.

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All I can go by is what she has told me and she says she never cheated on me and isn't with anyone now. I really don't want to believe she never loved me that just causes such emptieness and I can even though its painful, except that she fell out of love with me and actually I love her so much that I want her to be happy even if its not with me, but the thought that the last 15 years were not much more then a lie hurts to much because they meant so much to me.

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well that is very true and deep down i believe, actually I know she loved me I guess I'm just trying to make sense of why she would want to hurt me so bad it is one thing to not love me it is another to want to hurt me. In her own words Im the best father she could ever imagine for our children and that I was a loving caring husband. If that was true why hurt me more.

I am really trying to figure out how I can love myself again and move on because right now I feel like I'm stuck and I thought I needed understanding from her about how I feel but that is somthing I will never get. If anyone has

suggestions on how they rebuilt themselves after being torn down (thats what it feels like) I would be very greatful for advise and help.

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I don't think she's trying to hurt you, Zen. To try to hurt you she'd need to be thinking about you, and clearly she is not. She's making herself her sole priority now, and (as others have already pointed out) she's rewriting your romantic history to better soothe her conscience and affirm her current choices. She thinks she's cutting you loose, but all you feel is the cutting - so it's natural that it seems like an attack to you.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, Zen.

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I think you are right that is true she is not thinking of me I knew that but I never looked at it that way before she isnt trying to hurt me she isn't trying to make me feel better she's just not thinking of me at all and though that thought hurts it does help. At least I can be a little less angry believing she's not trying to hurt me.

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Zen X did you believe her when she said she never loved you? It's simply not true, very few people will spend 15 years with some one they don't love. If anything sometimes as people we have little idea of what love truly is. Its going to be very hard to process what has happened, be sure you take care of your self in this time both for your sake and your kids.

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Thank you Blossom and I will take care and right now I am still in the house so I see the kids every day I hope that we can work out an arangement were we will both see our kids as much as possible.

I did not believe her at first. I wanted to go to counsiling she refused I wanted to slow everything down. She just kept insisting that for the first time she was thinking clearly and that there was no hope and that she convinced her self that she loved me for all those years but never really had any passion or chemistry for me. Then about a month after she said she loved me but for the wrong reasons and I guess I did believe that. Honestley now I'm not sure what to believe. I know what I want to believe and that is that the last 15 years were as amazing as I thought they were. It is just so hard to comprehend I thought she was my soulmate. ](*,)

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I'm sorry you're going through this, Zen. You sound like a great guy.

 

Just remember, you can't make someone feel something they don't. We can sugarcoat it and try to ignore it but when you clearly don't want to be with someone anymore..you won't be.

 

I honestly don't think she never loved you. She just said that to justify why she would change her mind about such a good guy so many years later...

 

Don't blame yourself.

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You are so right I can not make her love me so I think I am just going to remember the past the way I remember it. and try my very best to have a happy life which shouldn't be hard with the 2 incredible kids I have.

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You are so right I can not make her love me so I think I am just going to remember the past the way I remember it. and try my very best to have a happy life which shouldn't be hard with the 2 incredible kids I have.

 

This is an excellent example of what to do. Just focus on the children and you'll start to heal.

Did you guys have kids before the marriage or after?

 

If you are still in the house together theres a good chance she still wants it to work. Don't give up entirely. Just focus on the kids right now.

 

I wish you well

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Zen, first, I think you need to get a copy of the book Uncoupling, ASAP. It could save your marriage and it's not a counseling book - it's a sociology book.

 

I think you may find this amusing. My ex and I were in counseling a total of 1.5 years. He moved out after a year and we continued counseling for six months living apart until I'd had enough of his insults, degradations, cheating, lying, and....I digress.

 

Well, one session we were talking about "passion". The conversation was so confusing to me that it didn't seem that we were talking about the same thing. I asked him if he was talking about sex. He said he was. I explained that I was talking about emotional passion. He looked confused. After a few explanations, questions, and answers, he said that he'd never felt emotional passion for me, but that I shouldn't feel bad, he'd never felt it for anyone. The counselor and I just looked at each other. She asked me, "did you hear that?" I certainly had. He didn't even know what it WAS until that night.

 

Fast forward another 1.5 years, a year after our divorce was final, he began dating this woman he really doesn't feel anything for, but they have dinner, go to company outings, go hiking, have sex - but it's not a relationship, no, no, no, no! (They've only been dating nine months!) A few months ago, I asked something to the effect of, "if you don't feel passion for her, why are you stringing her along? Isn't that how you end up with two children by a woman you don't have passion for?" which got the whole passion talk going again.

 

He told me that I never felt passion for him, either, and if I did, I didn't express it. I was dumbfounded.

 

"What about when I painted script on our bedroom wall in silver metalic paint 'thou art to me a delicious torment'?"

 

Him: Oh, that's one time in how many years?

 

Me: What about those letters I wrote you. Hundreds of letters...At least one a week for how many years? I stopped when you complained about them when we were in counseling the first time, so we must've been together, what? 12 years?

 

Him: OooooooK...That was passion?

 

Me: Yeah. Remember that note I put in your wallet "who loves you, baby?"

 

Him: I forgot about that. I left it in there right up to the time I got mugged in Kansas City.

 

Me: Remember the cards I'd sometimes send to your hotels when you were traveling?

 

Him: OK, maybe I just didn't recognize it as passion.

 

Me: Did you think it was duty? But, then, how could you have recognized it? Until that night in counseling, you thought it was a sex act.

 

 

Here I am, after 25 years with the same man, divorced, looking for the one person in the world who will adore me. I'll find him. He's out there. I know exactly what to look for, avoid, and ask, thanks to my ex.

 

Don't sell yourself short. You deserve to be loved fully and completely.

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AutumnBorne thank you for sharing your story it relates very well to my situation infact if your ex and mine didnt live in different countries and wern't different genders I would think they were the same person. I asked her what passion was and she said she didn't know she just new she didn't feel anything when she kissed me. Guess I should have eaten more Jalopenos LOL.

Thanks for the book suggestion I will check it out, but as far as saving my marriage I'm not sure there is anything that will save it. I asked her one more time yesterday why this had to be such a sudden descision and why she didn't want to at least try to go to counseling and why she didn't talk to me when she first felt unhappy and why couldn't we have at least tried to reignite the spark. She said she was scared that I would do everything she would ask of me and she knew she wouldn't be able to reciprocate and give me what I want or need and that there was never a spark there for her to reignite. Im not sure even if she did want to try now that I could. I would have very tough time trusting her again. Altough for my kids I would probably try. I just want to stop missing her but believe it or not its alot harder with her still in the house when I've been away I miss her less. I hope that I can be a little more hopeful soon right now I'm dreading the life ahead of me.

However I am feeling at least like I am finding understanding here I am so appreciative of everyone who has posted on my thread and everyone else who has told there stories and all the people who have taken their time to read and offer there experiances and advice. I have read many things that have helped me see things differently.

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It is extremely common for people to rewrite history in order to justify to themselves why they want a change.

 

'New' love is a biochemical event. When one is presented with a new infatuation, there is a huge flood of hormones and brain chemicals that literally are like taking drugs, a rush of feeling etc.

 

She could very well be confusing that feeling with 'love' or 'passion'. And sadly, she will be very disappointed when whatever new man she is crushing on gets familiar to her and those feelings fade.

 

After 15 years, she probably can't even remember that she felt that way about you in the beginning, or is blotting it out because she needs to break the bond with you in order to chase her latest fancy.

 

When people say these kinds of things, she most likely does have her eye on someone else, even if she hasn't had sex with him yet, she's being fueled by those hormones etc.

 

So i can guarantee you did have something, and if you were having great sex, there was/is an attraction, but she is just blinded by those new love hormones for someone else.

 

I frankly think she will be sad/disappointed when she discovers no matter who it is, that rush does fade over time. It doesn't mean that there isn't an exciting and mature love left behind, but you just can't generate that particular chemical brew that gives that rush except with a new person. She's sadly pursuing something that is very fleeting and not lasting, and will either have to spend her life hopping from man to man or recognize that he is confusing a chemical attraction with real enduring love.

 

btw, Uncoupling is a book that explains how people fall out of love and break up. It is very good because it will make sense of her behavior and why she is acting this way. It is not about trying to keep you together, but about explaining how/why things fall apart, so might be helpful to your understanding.

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Zen,

You have gotten a lot a great advice here. You know the facts of your time together so what she says is just lies and justifications for her behavoir. She is walking away from the marriage/family and rewriting the past is the most common trait of the walk away. After all, throwing something away that you never really liked is a lot easier than throwing away your favorite thing isn't it? Think less about what her motives are and more about you and your children. If thing rings true like most walk aways she will be less of a mother than she used to be. The fantasy she is living has little room for the past.

This is her way of trying to live a happier life no matter the collateral damage to you or your children. The word selfish comes to mind doesn't it?

 

Lost

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Lavender you have good point about the "New Love" I believe that is what she is looking for. Thats what is frustrating how can I possibly compete with that I mean I've only shared a milion experiances with her, share to beautiful kids with her, stood by her beside the whole time durring the 26 hour birth of our first child, suppoted her through 2 degrees and now all of that meant nothing.

 

I'm sorry to vent it has been a tough week a few more rough rides on the roller coaster but the good news is thanks to the understanding and great advice I have been getting from you good people here its been a little easier.

 

Lost, I am very greatful for your post I have gained alot of good advice, strength and a little hope even from your previous threads and posts to others. Here you are after going through what you went through, you came out the other side and now your helping the new unfortunate members to the club with some excellent inights. Thank you and I commend You sir.

 

I just wish I could hold on to everything everyone has said every moment but the ups and downs are sometimes too much to take. Especially with the situation we're in, her still living in the house seeing her every day is tough and though my instincts always tell me to just say nothing other then hello and goodbye my emotions take over and I end up talking to her and asking questions to which the replies always hurt. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this, has anyone had anything that worked for them to keep the emotions down and walk away instead of talking. I know it probably sounds silly because the easy answer is to just not talk but the emotions just flood so bad somtimes that even though I now I will probably get hurt more the pain is worse when I am dwelling on all the unsaid things.

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