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Need opinion: 23y/o guy, 15y/o girl I'm the guy.


A.boy

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Ok well I specifically joined this forum get the opinion of people. Be honest as I plan on being honest.

 

I'm a 23 y/o male, I'm currently a student, no job, and as the title says I like a 15 year old girl. I've known her for about 7 months and I think I'm starting to fall for her. This is a first for me I've never been interested in younger girls but this is different.

 

I also wouldn't consider myself your average guy. I don't drink, I don't party, I don't chase girls for sex (I'm actually a virgin, a fact I'm very proud of). Most people when they meet me think I'm younger than I really am, and truth be told if I had to put an age on my mind, sense of responsibility, maturity, view of the world etc. I would say I'm maybe 18 or 19, but physically I'm 23. I genuinely like and care for this girl. One side of me says just be her friend but the other side of me wants to hold her hand, take her out to a movie, hold her.

 

I know her mother because like the girl I see her on an almost daily basis. Her mother likes me and the clincher is that I'm almost certain that the girl likes me too, for sure as a friend but it could be more. I'm at the age where I can read women pretty well and her mother seems comfortable when she sees myself and her daughter hang out. She actually encourages it.

 

I'm constantly around women my age but they don't interest me the way this girl does. She's smart, interesting, funny (genuinely funny, she made me laugh a real laugh, a feat rarely achieved by anyone), and pretty mature for her age (that probably comes from the fact that she hangs out with her mom so much). I want to be a part of her life at the very least and be someone she can count on for help when she needs it.

 

I wouldn't think of starting a relationship (if it happens) for a while, maybe a year or so (I would be 24 and her 16) to give me time to know her better and her to know me. What I'm wondering is if I should pursue it? Is it wrong that I feel this for someone as young as she is? Am I being selfish? What would you do/say if she was your daughter? If I was your son?

 

I would say that I have my head on pretty straight but everyone needs some help or advice every once in a while. Thank you for reading this and please do express your honest opinion, I welcome it.

 

I hope to speak to my own mother about this soon.

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I don't think age difference matters generally speaking. It depends on the individuals. Obviously though, the situation would bring its own challenges and maybe difficulties. If you're not wanting to rush into sex then that removes that issue. Are you actually allowed to have a 'romantic attachment' with a minor even if you're not having sex? I've never really thought about that one. Might pay to find out what the law is if you don't already know. I think it would depend on the maturity of the girl as to whether there's any hope in the idea. A years a long while to wait before starting something. And a lot can happen in a year. I think too it would depend how much you both want the relationship.

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I think you having a secret agenda - or helping her out SO THAT you can ultimately maybe develop a relationship with her in a years time is a bit dodgy. If you're going to help her out it has to be because you want to be friends with her and help her out now. Not because you have an alteria motive. If you want to help her out for genuine reasons then its fine to be open to the idea of a relationship starting later if it still suited you and her and everything at the time. But you can't build your life around it - not for A YEAR! Anything could happen in a year - she could find another boyfriend who she's madly in love with ends up marrying eventually. One thing I read in a self help book a while ago is we need to develop the characterisitc of flexibility. Don't get stuck in tunnel vision. Also be wary of 'attachment' (in the Buddhist sense). Attachment causes suffering. This can be the same as being rigid in our thinking and emotions and getting stuck on thinking in one way.

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If you really like her, you can wait til she's 18 and the age difference won't be so problematic. And also, you won't be arrested or labelled a paedo.

 

A 24 yr old and a 16 year old is still, well, you will not look good. To anyone really.

 

Seriously. She is still a kid / will still be a kid and you are not.

 

 

(And if she was my kid, I'd get my shotgun out.)

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Haha agent! (the shotgun comment).

 

Dude, it's nice that you like this girl and I do believe that you're a stand-up guy but I really have to suggest you just wait. Take the time to be her friend and dont take things any further until it's legal ya know? It's really just the wisest choice. If you like her enough you can do that.

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When I was her age, I dated an older guy. He was 22 at the time. We dated for 4 years. I'm not going to be judgmental here, but I think it's a bad idea to go there. I became so damn preoccupied with this guy, I missed out on a LOT of high school milestones. I missed out on parties, senior prom, football games, etc. etc. While it may not be important to her now, when she gets older, she'll probably regret it. While a nice guy, my ex was also rather controlling in the sense that he hated me hanging out with my friends as opposed to spending time with him. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would. It's 4 years of my teen years I missed out on. Yeah, it was "cool" at the time, but I should have listened to my parents.

 

If I were you, I'd find someone closer to your own age.

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What would you do/say if she was your daughter?

If she was my daughter, I would say back off and if you are really that interested in her, then come back when she's 18.

 

Seriously, she's still a kid and at a totally different mindset level than you. She may seem mature for her age, but that doesn't change the fact she has not had any life experience as yet and is still in high school.

Be VERY aware of the laws when it comes to a minor - you really don't want to go there.

 

I say, don't even go there.

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If you really like her, you can wait til she's 18 and the age difference won't be so problematic. And also, you won't be arrested or labelled a paedo.

 

A 24 yr old and a 16 year old is still, well, you will not look good. To anyone really.

 

Seriously. She is still a kid / will still be a kid and you are not.

 

 

(And if she was my kid, I'd get my shotgun out.)

 

To anyone? Looks fine to me.

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As many others have said: it's a bad idea to pursue something with this girl.

Maybe you're not the typical guy. Maybe she's more mature than a typical 15 year old.

 

BUT in the eyes of the law, you are not an exception just bc of your atypicality.

 

Like Agent said above, if you care about her, wait till she's of legal age. If not, move on.

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No offense, but that's your own fault. I doubt he MADE you miss out on these things. If he wanted you to miss out, he's a jerk. It has nothing to do with the age, and everything to do with the individuals involved.

 

Ummm, okay, I'm struggling to see where I wrote that he MADE me miss out on those things. I read and re-read and just couldn't find it! I'm not placing blame on him, but he, being an older guy, had a lot of influence on me, a young girl (at the time). While, no, he didn't hold a gun to my head and say, "go to prom and I'll shoot", he sure as hell put a lot of unnecessary pressure on me.

 

And it has PLENTY to do with age. I'm a completely different person now than I was when I was 15. If a guy tried to persuade me out of doing something I wanted to do out of his own insecurities, I sure as hell wouldn't stick around for long.

 

Maybe it was "my fault" but I was 15 freaking years old.

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Ummm, okay, I'm struggling to see where I wrote that he MADE me miss out on those things. I read and re-read and just couldn't find it! I'm not placing blame on him, but he, being an older guy, had a lot of influence on me, a young girl (at the time). While, no, he didn't hold a gun to my head and say, "go to prom and I'll shoot", he sure as hell put a lot of unnecessary pressure on me.

 

And it has PLENTY to do with age. I'm a completely different person now than I was when I was 15. If a guy tried to persuade me out of doing something I wanted to do out of his own insecurities, I sure as hell wouldn't stick around for long.

 

Maybe it was "my fault" but I was 15 freaking years old.

 

I didn't say that said he forced you, I was merely trying to say that this girl can make up her own mind and that just because they are dating doesn't mean her life is going to ruined. They may be very happy together and I don't think that they should not date just because you were insecure and let a man become the focus of your life. He doesn't need to not date someone he likes just because you made some bad decisions that were about your preoccupations with this guy and not your age.

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I didn't say that said he forced you, I was merely trying to say that this girl can make up her own mind and that just because they are dating doesn't mean her life is going to ruined. They may be very happy together and I don't think that they should not date just because you were insecure and let a man become the focus of your life. He doesn't need to not date someone he likes just because you made some bad decisions that were about your preoccupations with this guy and not your age.

 

She was giving her advice based on her life experiences, like we all do. It doesn't make her wrong, nor you right and vice versa. People ask for advice, we give it and they take from it what they will.

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I didn't say that said he forced you, I was merely trying to say that this girl can make up her own mind and that just because they are dating doesn't mean her life is going to ruined. They may be very happy together and I don't think that they should not date just because you were insecure and let a man become the focus of your life. He doesn't need to not date someone he likes just because you made some bad decisions that were about your preoccupations with this guy and not your age.

 

But I don't think it's about an unhealthy preoccupation with the guy. When two people are in a relationship, they are preoccupied with each other, and if they aren't then there's something wrong with them. The point is that if you are dating someone so much older, and you're still in high school then you can't fit them into your social life properly, so your social life will lose out.

 

And at that age your social life is so so important, and you're only finding your feet in relationships so they might not last. In balance it's not worth sacrificing your social life for.

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I didn't say that said he forced you, I was merely trying to say that this girl can make up her own mind and that just because they are dating doesn't mean her life is going to ruined. They may be very happy together and I don't think that they should not date just because you were insecure and let a man become the focus of your life. He doesn't need to not date someone he likes just because you made some bad decisions that were about your preoccupations with this guy and not your age.

 

 

Again, where did I say my life was RUINED? Nowhere. Where did I say that if they were to date, her life would be ruined? Nowhere. A bit overdramatic, don't you think? You keep putting these words into my mouth here.

 

Sure, they might date and live happily ever after, but chances are she's going to do a hell of a lot of changing in the next 5+ years.

 

And, I wasn't insecure, I was just swayed by the charms of an older guy. Immature, maybe. Insecure, no. As a young girl of 15, and him a grown man, we weren't on the same level of maturity and because of that he had a certain power over me that a guy my age (15 year old me) wouldn't have had.

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But I don't think it's about an unhealthy preoccupation with the guy. When two people are in a relationship, they are preoccupied with each other, and if they aren't then there's something wrong with them. The point is that if you are dating someone so much older, and you're still in high school then you can't fit them into your social life properly, so your social life will lose out.

 

And at that age your social life is so so important, and you're only finding your feet in relationships so they might not last. In balance it's not worth sacrificing your social life for.

 

 

Well I guess we just disagree, I don't really think social life is important at that age. All it seems to do at that age is get you in trouble through peer pressure. I think having an older man during that time can help, because he's been there and can help guide her through one of the most turbulent times in her life.

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Again, where did I say my life was RUINED? Nowhere. Where did I say that if they were to date, her life would be ruined? Nowhere. A bit overdramatic, don't you think? You keep putting these words into my mouth here.

 

Sure, they might date and live happily ever after, but chances are she's going to do a hell of a lot of changing in the next 5+ years.

 

And, I wasn't insecure, I was just swayed by the charms of an older guy. Immature, maybe. Insecure, no. As a young girl of 15, and him a grown man, we weren't on the same level of maturity and because of that he had a certain power over me that a guy my age (15 year old me) wouldn't have had.

 

If you are truly secure in yourself, no one has power over you. I don't let anyone control me. This girl may be the same way. Maybe I am being over-dramatic, but at the same time, I am sick of people trying to force their stereotypes on people and saying "it's a bad idea" (your actual words) every single time a person wants to date someone of a different age. Not every age gap relationship is a bad idea. I don't think it's fair to say that you lost out on your teen years because of that guy. I think it's really unfair and insulting to your ex and to the OP.

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Do you remember what you were like at 15? I'm laughing thinking about it. And, I was mature for my age. Yet, I was still only 15. There is no escaping that fact regardless of the maturity level.

 

This is too complicated and difficult to even bother with. You can find a woman your own age and it will be much more smooth a relationship.

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If you are truly secure in yourself, no one has power over you. I don't let anyone control me..

Almost any adult can very easily have power and control over any vulnerable 15 year old kid. Just because something worked out for you (who's to say it will even last), doesn't mean it works for the entire world.

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Well I guess we just disagree, I don't really think social life is important at that age. All it seems to do at that age is get you in trouble through peer pressure. I think having an older man during that time can help, because he's been there and can help guide her through one of the most turbulent times in her life.

 

I do get what you're trying to say, however, I believe relationships should be equal. People need to grow on their, not have some sort of parent-child relationship with someone that guides them throughout life.

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