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Dealt the fatal blow...


imani32

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Ok, I posted earlier in my confused by contact thread about growing tired. I really had grown tired of the cat and mouse and the total confusion? Well, I did as most people advised here on ENA and reached out to him with a phone conversation. We talked catching up with each other and broached the subject of friendship. I could tell he immediately grew distant the moment I directly asked him if he was comfortable with us being friends. He responded quickly with "we are good" no issues or problems there for me. I probed a little more and said if there were issues would you tell me? He said, yeah I'm good. I then went into acceptance and a whole bunch of other things and he became very quiet. I didn't say anything of substance because I felt my defenses kicking in. Then I said well I don't feel our friendship is a natural thing for me because of the energy. He said what do you mean I told him his apprehension energy was obvious to me and it made being friends uncomfortable for me. Then the feelings I had earlier really took full force. At that moment I made an implusive decision that I should have let "sleeping dogs lie" I said this jokingly, but I meant every word of it. When we went into NC for those five months I regret ever reaching back out to him. As a dumper I do believe sometimes we should leave things well enough alone and not bring this unnecessary stress on ourself. Yes, I would have loved a reconciliation and I felt he was worth it, but at the end of the day I didn't want to put in the work! I didn't like the cat and mouse and the element of uncertainty and game involved. I accept my role in everything and at present moving on is the best and easiest approach.

 

I basically ended the conversation by saying that I accept that a friendship at the moment isn't natural for me. I am not angry or mad and I hold the highest amount of respect for him. We ended the call pleasantly, but he could tell I would no longer be in contact with him. Pursuing is not something that comes natural to me and when I evaluated the situation it was becoming a distraction so I did the easy thing. Walk away with respect and let him be. He didn't object he was pleasant and we ended the call.

 

Side note, he said again during the conversation that he was seeing someone?? I said I know you told me. At this point I wish him the best with his current situation and I will not be sitting around pining or waiting for things to end between them. Thanks everyone for reading and responding to my posts!!

 

Some situations are best left alone and in this case I feel this one was!! My new line for the week is "let sleeping does lie or lay" have a fantastic weekend everyone!!

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Sounds like the typical "he's not over you" scenario. And really, you have to ask yourself, why the need for friendship? Likely, what you liked most about this guy is that he adored you, and yet what you can't handle about this guy is that he adores you. If he didn't adore you, you wouldn't be interested in a friendship, and if he did adore you, you wouldn't be either.

 

Honestly, I don't think there's any women out there who just "don't get the vibe". That subtle, non-pushy love vibe, is why "friendship with this guy is just perfect until he gets honest with me and tries to act on his feelings." It feeds your ego, and there's no risk on your side.

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Jettison, wow I never thought about that perspective. WOW! Right now, I don't feel like he adores me and trying to push a friendship on him was becoming uncomfortable to me because he wasn't comfortable with it. Presently, leaving well enough alone will allow us both to remain respectful of each other.

 

I don't have to transfer into a pursuer and he doesn't have to feel tortured of his feelings? Maybe I think too highly of myself. He seems like he has processed me out of his system, so it is best to take a person's word for it versus making your own assumption to something otherwise.

 

Thanks for this diffferent perspective.

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The problem here is that you presented things as "friendship" instead of what you really meant - "relationship". OF COURSE if you say "friends" to him he is going to be defensive. In such situations, friendship is viewed as a way for the dumper (you) to say that you have moved on and don't consider a relationship as viable. "Friends" is not a precursor to working things out as you seem to think, "friends" between exes means that the dumper is writing off a relationship with the dumpee.

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^^^^

Absolutely!!! By saying "friends" you will have pushed him to think you're over him, not at all interested in more and were just using him and lining him up for more heartache. Sorry to be so blunt, but it would've been unfair and unrealistic for you to ever expect him to suggest reconciliation after all the knock-backs he received last time As much as people disagree, I'm of the mind that the dumper ended the relationship so they are the one that needs to reignite it.....or at least do everything they can to make it clear that's what they want to the dumpee so that he/she can feel safe to suggest it again.

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Thanks guys!! Well as it stands I felt I made it clear that I did not want to relegate him to be just a friend and I wanted to reopen communication for a possible reconciliation. He said oh I have over that and I am seeing someone reinterating that once again. I said yes, I know you are seeing someone. For me, it is over! I do not want to play the game of reconciling. Life is too short and I wish him the best in his new relationship. I would have done the necessary things to bring him reassurance and regaining his trust, but his actions were too apprehensive and he was never direct in his words. I had to rely on his actions and it was way too confusing for me. My future is bright and I wish him the best, but I will not disturb that sleeping dog anymore. That is a figure of speech not implying anything negative about him. The process of getting back together can happen, but it does require two people at the same place wanting the same thing. Not one person wanting to try and the other person fearful of their previous pain or hurt. I summarize this as bad timing and the possiblility that a reconcilation has dulled. Either way, I am fine with it. Actually more relieved that I no longer have to try to make something happen or reading/analyzing every single thing. The process became more of a distraction and I have other things in life to focus on than trying to read someone's actions/behavior.

 

Good luck to all of you guys! I wish you the best with your reconciliation with your ex's.

Thanks for responding to my post.

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Thanks Ms Darcy. I know I did the right thing because today I have felt very light and free. Free from the emotional turmoil of trying to read or figure someone out. Life is short and time is valuable I would much rather put this emotional energy into a new relationship. Thanks for your support and stopping by to wish me luck!!

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Jbaker I believe the struggle is when you resist letting go. For me, its all a matter of fact approach. Face it head on and accept the things you cannot change. We are both two healthy individuals so I have a bright future ahead of me and so does he. Just because we are not together doesnt mean either of our futures will not be bright. Just look at the optimitism and hope that lies ahead. This is just temporary.

 

As for you Jbaker, once you accept the things you cannot change moving on will be easy for you! Much luck to you and yours!!

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