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I think im pushing my wife away with lack of trust


jkfox624

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Cheating is more disgusting but it happens more often than keylogger spying -thank God.

 

I delete the browser history on my computer all the time and defrag it,too and I have nothing really to hide. I check out profiles on my computer all the time. I am happily in love with my man and not even interested in anyone else. It frees up space and memory and allows my internet to run quicker.

 

My guess is that if keylogger was installed there may have been much more spying before this. Maybe it was founded - maybe it wasn't...just saying. Sometimes innocent things can look guilty - we all know that,too.

 

My boyfriend WAS intentionally spying on me and I did things just to piss him off because it made me angry that he felt he had to resort to that. He as a matter of fact is the one who cheated on me...maybe that is why I feel a little different about the OP's comments.

 

If there is no basis for trust = relationship is over and you wasted some precious time trying to figure it out.

 

Even though my partner made a mistake and cheated as I will venture to say 90% of all people do - I did not resort to these tactics to try and spy on him. That would have made me miserable and in the long run is what is going to make the OP miserable. The saying "out of sight,out of mind" has been around so long for a reason.

 

If the relationship is really that important to you OP that you have to spy on your S/O why not devote some of that time into communication? If as you say she was "emotionally cheating" maybe she feels like she is not being heard and tried to seek out someone who was listening. I am not trying to justify that - but it seems like you don't want to let the relationship go. If you re-direct your energies towards positive strides in relationship building your insecurities might seem to diminish.

 

Just playing Devil's Advocate.

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If you have to result to doing something as devious as using a keylogger to spy on your partner then your marriage is a complete shame by pure definition.
I assume you meant sham.

 

So...if your spouse decides to have an affair, what do you propose you do? Give him more sex? Tell him he can do whatever he wants as long as he doesn't leave you? Invite his girlfriend over?

 

The minute your spouse decides to cheat, by your definition, your only options are to lay down and let him walk on you for the next 60 years so he won't leave...or divorce him?

 

It's like reading someone's diary or worse. It's a complete an utter breach of privacy. Please offer me examples where people have employed a keylogger, found nothing, and then the happy couple lived happily ever after. It simply doesn't happen.
There are tons of such cases over at link removed.

 

The couple faces it honestly, admits they both made mistakes, and decides to BOTH make choices to improve the marriage. The keylogger was a wakeup call for them.

 

Say "wrong" all you like, but you're staring into a mirror if you say it.
Huh?

Is that supposed to be like nana nana booboo?

lol

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The OP described a clubbing phase, texting a guy 200 times over 2 months behind his back, a new FB account to meet up with an ex for sexting, deleting browser history, pulling a chat log for a guy from her past and deleting history when she checks on him.

 

And when he asks her about it all, she says SHE is done.

 

If she had nothing to hide, she would have nothing to get mad about.

 

Cheaters not only lie, they BLAME their partner for all the issues.

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I assume you meant sham.

 

I assume you like correcting other people's typos.

 

So...if your spouse decides to have an affair, what do you propose you do? Give him more sex? Tell him he can do whatever he wants as long as he doesn't leave you? Invite his girlfriend over?

 

Leave the spouse.

 

The minute your spouse decides to cheat, by your definition, your only options are to lay down and let him walk on you for the next 60 years so he won't leave...or divorce him?

 

See above answer.

 

There are tons of such cases over at link removed.

 

The couple faces it honestly, admits they both made mistakes, and decides to BOTH make choices to improve the marriage. The keylogger was a wakeup call for them.

 

Those reconciliations are shames (another opportunity for you). If my partner is spying on me with a keylogger then they are not someone I want to be in a relationship with, period, because by definition I would have no respect for them. People can "decide to improve their marriage", but that won't mean that anything is fixed.

 

Huh?

Is that supposed to be like nana nana booboo?

lol

 

No, it just means that your "you're wrong" was worthless. Address the OP, and feel free to give advice, but don't critique mine.

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the people who're bashing on the keylogger part. i hope you didnt miss the part that he's been married to his wife for 10 years. its not that EASY to just walk away. maybe to you marriage doesn't mean anything, but it does mean a lot for some other ppl.

 

this guy wanted to get some proof for his insecurities. and his insecurities are not his fault, its his wife's. he installed keylogger to know whether he's right or not, which i believe that he is. he cant really trust his wife, so he needs to make sure that he has the evidence to not trust her. and doesnt just go "you know what i dont trust you /divorce". that'd be much more unreasonable.

 

as for the grass growing part... lol.. i dunno what to say. the guy is trying to solve problems in his marriage and you're saying that its trash. lol, one day when you're with someone who just gives up on marriage and any serious relationship the moment they have any insecurities, you'll understand this guy.

 

so yeah, the keylogger part... thats not the best way to approach this situation. basically... if your wife is gonna do stuff behind your back, tell her that you cant keep doing this if she keeps being herself. she should go find someone that'll fulfil her lifestyle. you're not that. (i personally doubt any guy would approve his wife meeting up with other guys... but w/e). so yeah, i think just have a talk with her and grab the divorce. its not worth the hassle at this point. if she considers that what you're doing is cuz you love her and starts reciprocating, then she's worth it. you can help her lead to that idea too. but if no matter what you say, she's gonna fight; then there's no solution to this. some ppl just need too much attention from too many ppl. they're not worth the effort.

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the people who're bashing on the keylogger part. i hope you didnt miss the part that he's been married to his wife for 10 years. its not that EASY to just walk away. maybe to you marriage doesn't mean anything, but it does mean a lot for some other ppl.

 

Everyone is human. Anyone is capable of using a keylogger, and it doesn't make them a bad person. There is a misunderstanding here if someone thinks that denouncing a keylogger - vilifying the OP. From a distance, most people can see that when you're at the keylogger stage, your marriage is over. While you're in the sleuthing/keylogger stage, you are too wrapped up in it to see it. Hence, someone not going through a 10 year breakup (me for example... Mine happened 4 years ago) has enough distance to know that this much lost trust doesn't just come back after some revelations.

 

To reach and say, "marriage must not mean anything to you" is a complete and utter overgeneraliztion. In fact, the sanctity of a union like this means so much to me, that I would not want to sully it by reading her diary, using a keylogger, hiring a privite investigator, or any of a number of actions which clearly show no love or trust.

 

this guy wanted to get some proof for his insecurities. and his insecurities are not his fault, its his wife's. he installed keylogger to know whether he's right or not, which i believe that he is. he cant really trust his wife, so he needs to make sure that he has the evidence to not trust her. and doesnt just go "you know what i dont trust you /divorce". that'd be much more unreasonable.

 

No one claimed that his insecurities are his fault, and again, anyone would have these insecurities. However, insecurities don't justify just doing anything at all simply because you have them. Keyloggers are a gross, over-the-top invasion of privacy. They aren't ok. They are evil. If you are using one then you are saying "my insecurity trumps my respect for you." That is the only thing you could be saying in this situation by employing one.

 

Again, it is possible that anyone could get to the point where they feel so desperate that they simply must use a keylogger, but the much more difficult "honest, difficult discussions" route is really the only route if you still love your partner.

 

as for the grass growing part... lol.. i dunno what to say. the guy is trying to solve problems in his marriage and you're saying that its trash. lol, one day when you're with someone who just gives up on marriage and any serious relationship the moment they have any insecurities, you'll understand this guy.

 

I've been through it my friend. I even thought it was possible that she was cheating. To this day I do not know if she ever was, and to this day I do not want to know. Why? Because I respect her enough not to need to control her this way. And to this day, 4 years later, we are still friends. That's why. As for "trying to solve problems in his marriage", a few of us are trying to point out that this isn't he way to solve them.

 

Keyloggers never = "thank god I intalled a keylogger. Now my marriage is great, and we've never been happier." It just doesn't work like that.

 

so yeah, the keylogger part... thats not the best way to approach this situation. basically... if your wife is gonna do stuff behind your back, tell her that you cant keep doing this if she keeps being herself. she should go find someone that'll fulfil her lifestyle. you're not that. (i personally doubt any guy would approve his wife meeting up with other guys... but w/e). so yeah, i think just have a talk with her and grab the divorce. its not worth the hassle at this point. if she considers that what you're doing is cuz you love her and starts reciprocating, then she's worth it. you can help her lead to that idea too. but if no matter what you say, she's gonna fight; then there's no solution to this. some ppl just need too much attention from too many ppl. they're not worth the effort.

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Okay...we get that you personally have a problem with keyloggers. Not everyone agrees with you. I think you're beating a dead horse here.

 

 

Yep.

 

I wish he would have used that much energy talking about how the wife's activities were so wrong.

 

Keyloggers never = "thank god I intalled a keylogger. Now my marriage is great, and we've never been happier." It just doesn't work like that

 

You know darn good and well no one said that. What is being said is that if you are touting that he should have talked this out with her (without any proof, where she will deny EVERYTHING) and tried to save his marriage that might have worked but that the keylogger is what destroyed that possibility then that's crazy. If there is potential for him to forgive her transgressions than surely there should be potential for her to forgive the darn keylogger. I have seen some of you put where more emphasis on that then the emotional affairs.

 

People are not perfect and a person who found out the one they love more than anything is cheating they might not do everything exactly the way they "should", ya know the way you THINK he should react. He hasn't lived in your shoes or perhaps had the benefit of certain advice yet to help him thru this. The keylogger is often a desperate last attempt for someone to get answers and they hope they DONT find anything...they want to save their relationship even though that might not be the way to go about it. But to say it is an unforgiveable act is wrong, there might be a way to salvage it. I hear from these same people here that he can talk it out and perhaps get past her activities but no hope for her to get past his ?? Come on.

 

So maybe we should try judging him less and cut all the "keylogger is the root of all marital evil" crap. 'K?

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Okay...we get that you personally have a problem with keyloggers. Not everyone agrees with you. I think you're beating a dead horse here.

 

Not beating a dead-horse if I have to clarify statements that I didn't make. No one is condemning the OP. However, if you're "pro keylogger" then good luck to you. There aren't any examples on ENA that I've ever personally read where a keylogger saved a relationship. This is about results after all, and not about the feelings of the desperate.

 

Yep.

 

I wish he would have used that much energy talking about how the wife's activities were so wrong.

 

There isn't anyone on ENA who doesn't realize that the wife's actions were terrible. Not a one of us. This is also why I don't waste my breath telling people that the sun is hot, or that the stars are far away. People on her are pretty sophisticated over all, and saying "yeah, your wife sucks" doesn't solve anyone's problems nor even help them along.

 

 

 

You know darn good and well no one said that. What is being said is that if you are touting that he should have talked this out with her (without any proof, where she will deny EVERYTHING) and tried to save his marriage that might have worked but that the keylogger is what destroyed that possibility then that's crazy. If there is potential for him to forgive her transgressions than surely there should be potential for her to forgive the darn keylogger. I have seen some of you put where more emphasis on that then the emotional affairs.

 

Again, I'm looking at the forest here. You're staring at the trees. You are saying that one partner shouldn't attempt to have honest converstations with the other partner because, after all, they will just lie and deny everything. If that's the way you feel about your partner, why are you spending even one more breath in their presence? You clearly don't respect them at that point, and therefore, you can't love them either. And if there is no love then there is no relationship. This is a clear trajectory.

 

People are not perfect and a person who found out the one they love more than anything is cheating they might not do everything exactly the way they "should", ya know the way you THINK he should react. He hasn't lived in your shoes or perhaps had the benefit of certain advice yet to help him thru this.

 

No one is claiming that anyone is perfect. That's simply your personal projection because those words were never said. And we are giving him this advice specifically so he heeds it and understands the ramifications. So, in this case, someone is actually here, "giving him the benefit" of this advice. It may not be what the OP wants to hear, but we he looks back on this a long while from now, he'll probably recognize the wisdom of it.

 

The keylogger is often a desperate last attempt for someone to get answers and they hope they DONT find anything...they want to save their relationship even though that might not be the way to go about it. But to say it is an unforgiveable act is wrong, there might be a way to salvage it. I hear from these same people here that he can talk it out and perhaps get past her activities but no hope for her to get past his ?? Come on.

 

And it's ok for your lover or spouse to read your diary if they think you're cheating? Would you say, "Honey, I'm not cheating, but if you ever suspect me to do so, I urge you to read my diary, and then hack my email address to find out." Because if you wouldn't offer that to a mate, and you consider it a gross invasion of privacy, then you will later on as well. "Forgivable"? Sure, almost anything is forgivable. However, why not skip the transgression to begin with, and that way there is nothing that needs forgiving.

 

So maybe we should try judging him less and cut all the "keylogger is the root of all marital evil" crap. 'K?

 

Nope, not ok. You have your opinion, and I have mine. And to that end, I never said, "keylogger is the root of all marital evil." You are clearly arguing against something that was never said... again. If you want to debate this, at least keep it a debate about the actual words that were written, and not your projections of what was said.

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And it's ok for your lover or spouse to read your diary if they think you're cheating? Would you say, "Honey, I'm not cheating, but if you ever suspect me to do so, I urge you to read my diary, and then hack my email address to find out." Because if you wouldn't offer that to a mate, and you consider it a gross invasion of privacy, then you will later on as well. "Forgivable"? Sure, almost anything is forgivable. However, why not skip the transgression to begin with, and that way there is nothing that needs forgiving

 

No one said it was "okay" to do those things, but if the spouse is blatantly doing things that are so obvious that they are cheating, these things are desperate last attempts to salvage what they have, even if it's likely too late. The point is that the person reading the diary or using the keylogger is desperately trying to save what they have. They likely WON'T, but to tell THEM that THEIR actions are the reason the marriage does not have a turn around point is WRONG.

 

The thing that some have an issue with is how people right out of the gate said 'you install a keylogger YOUR actions have ruined this relationship". That's not verbatim but that was the message that was being conveyed in the first few keylogger posts on this thread. It put more smackdown on this OP vs where the real smackdown belonged.

 

If you want to debate this, at least keep it a debate about the actual words that were written, and not your projections of what was said.

 

The posts in opposition from myself and others were not all just to what you wrote personally. They were in response to all of the posts (and you weren't the only respondent) that focused more on the keylogger than the transgressions. It was also the post below that led to a lot of the ensuing responses to this:

 

the first clue that you probably are not going to like many peoples answers on here include "I installed keylogger..." pretty much see you as psycho stalker from then on dude.

 

This poor man's wife has been cheating - maybe emotional cheating if not physical but still betrayal - and he gets told people will see him as a psycho stalker. And you responded "you beat me to it". That is what people were a bit up in arms about.

 

Instead of saying "cheating = end of relationship" you wrote

 

You beat me to it. Keylogger = "end of relationship".

 

Lastly, the responses are not personal to you, just giving opinion on this thread. I am sure you are a lovely person who just happens to have a difference of opinion on this subject as myself and a few others.

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No one said it was "okay" to do those things, but if the spouse is blatantly doing things that are so obvious that they are cheating, these things are desperate last attempts to salvage what they have, even if it's likely too late. The point is that the person reading the diary or using the keylogger is desperately trying to save what they have. They likely WON'T, but to tell THEM that THEIR actions are the reason the marriage does not have a turn around point is WRONG.

 

You did it again. I NEVER said that the keylogger caused the demise of their relationship. Quote me. This whole thread is a matter of public record so find the passage where I say that installing a keylogger even contributed, let alone caused the demise of the relationship. You can't because it wasn't said, nor was it even implied. You're debating a ghost here because of course we agree that a keylogger can't torch a relationship.

 

The thing that some have an issue with is how people right out of the gate said 'you install a keylogger YOUR actions have ruined this relationship". That's not verbatim but that was the message that was being conveyed in the first few keylogger posts on this thread. It put more smackdown on this OP vs where the real smackdown belonged.

 

If people do have issues with "you install a keylogger YOUR actions have ruined this relationship" then I'd suggest they work on their reading comprehension skills because not only was that point not made by me, it wasn't made by anyone at all. A keylogger is a symptom, not a cause. Truthfully, whether your install a keylogger or not, it will have zero effect on your relationship because revive something that is so clearly dead and buried unless you're looking for a zombie relationship. So if the person doesn't respect the other person and doesn't care about them any longer, and doesn't really care about their class or dignity, then go ahead with the keylogger. It can't hurt anyone at all. This is your "beating a dead horse" bit. The relationship is dead so go ahead and beat it with a keylogger.

 

There is no need for any time of "smackdown". That's just juvenile and won't solve problems. I'm not talking about who is right or wrong here because that's pointless and won't serve anybody. However, if the OP is concerned at all about feeling good about this later, he's not going to want to go back and recall that, "oh yeah, she wasn't trustworthy, but then again, I was controlling, obsessed, and wouldn't give her her privacy."

 

 

This poor man's wife has been cheating - maybe emotional cheating if not physical but still betrayal - and he gets told people will see him as a psycho stalker. And you responded "you beat me to it". That is what people were a bit up in arms about.

 

No one is calling him a stalker, but it's true that someone could view him that way. And since we aren't here to lambaste the potential cheater, we can only offer advice that may serve the OP. I could say, "your cheating girlfriend is terrible" and to what ends? That doesn't help anybody, and it's painfully obvious already.

 

 

 

Lastly, the responses are not personal to you, just giving opinion on this thread. I am sure you are a lovely person who just happens to have a difference of opinion on this subject as myself and a few others.

 

Right back at 'cha.

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