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I think im pushing my wife away with lack of trust


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I've always been an insecure person, its gotten better through the years but its still there. Over our 10 year marriage we've gone through her clubbing phase, then the texting a guy she met at a wedding couple hundred times over 2 months behind my back. 2 months ago i discovered the facebook account that she had where she was chatting with an old ex who was telling her how hot she was and stuff. I felt like it was over there but we worked through it and things were relatively good until the last 2 days. No matter what i do doubt always creeps back in.

 

I installed a keylogger again 3 days ago when i noticed browser history being deleted. I see where she pulled a chat log for a person that she swears she barely knows up. Early in the first blow up he was a person of suspicion but it seemed rather innocent what i found. She constantly pulls his chat up then closes it. If hes on she stays online until he goes off but they never chat. Everytime she goes to his profile she deletes the browser history. I asked her about it tonight but probably not in the most tactful way, things went south and know she says shes done, she has no fight left. She feels im always trying to find something she does wrong to hold over her head.

 

I just dont know what to think or feel at this point, i love her to death but theres always that doubt lingering in the back of my mind. Even if i have a good month or 2 it always creeps back in. Are my feelings unjust? What do i do? She did finally give me her pw, but after this she doesnt trust me for fear im gonna start randomly msg ppl and "stalking" her with the account.

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To be honest, I feel she HAS given you plenty reason to mistrust her. I'm sure most men wouldn't be too happy either with the history you have presented.

 

That said, not too sure what you can do about it, as you say you had a talk with her about your concerns and it ended in argument, etc. The only thing I can think of is marriage counselling, but I doubt she'd be willing to come to the table.

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I think she has given you lots of reasons to mistrust, your insecurity isn't unfounded. The keylogger was wrong, but it's a symptom of her clandestine activities. Monitoring her behavior isn't going to save your marriage. She has to change her ways...we can't tell you if that will ever occur.

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the first clue that you probably are not going to like many peoples answers on here include "I installed keylogger..." pretty much see you as psycho stalker from then on dude.

 

You beat me to it. Keylogger = "end of relationship". Once you go there, I have no idea how you come back. It's emotional quicksand. Pray someone throws you a vine somehow.

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Yeah the keylogger def wasnt a good idea. She knows nothing of the keylogger, but at this point do i just drop everything and let things play out? I mean rehashing and bringing the past up is not cutting it, alot of times i feel i havent gotten the whole story but just enough to appease me. I honestly dont think shes ever had a physical affair, emotional its a 75/25 probability imo.

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so how do you even approach that with her - well I put keylogger on your keyboard and .....

 

let me tell you if my boyfriend even opened his mouth to say those words to me it would be what??you did what??? and rage from there on even though I am doing nothing wrong.

 

I am not saying your insecurities are unfounded...I am saying spying on your S/O is NOT the way to resolveANYthing.Period.

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Those of you hung up on the keylogger - while it is wrong to do that, what she did to precipitate this was worse. No he shouldn't have installed it but the man is acting out of desperation with a wife who is creeping behind his back with men. Even if the activity has only been online it's not something a husband or wife would want to put up with. All that chatting with a guy she met at a wedding? What the heck? That alone would have my head spinning.

 

If i ever did do this, and I wouldn't, but if a guy's behavior had me that paranoid and i found something from the keylogger you darn right I would tell him. I'd say your sneaky behavior led me to find out some truths, so I installed a keylogger, this is what I found, now how quickly can you be out of my life?

 

Dude you just don't trust your wife and her behavior has caused your insecurity based on what I read here. A keylogger won't save your marriage but it isn't the thing that will crush it either. Sounds like she is already on her way to doing that.

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It can never enter the equation. Once you install a keylogger, you would have been better served walking away and never contacting them again 11 times out of 10. Of course it's an indicator that there is something wrong. However, it's not just a symptom... it's all the evidence you'll need that the relationship is torched.

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It can never enter the equation. Once you install a keylogger, you would have been better served walking away and never contacting them again 11 times out of 10. Of course it's an indicator that there is something wrong. However, it's not just a symptom... it's all the evidence you'll need that the relationship is torched.

 

To be honest, if her behavior doesn't stop, that's gonna happen anyway. And it doesn't seem likely that she is going to.

 

No, a keylogger isn't good. It's a horrible thing to do. But if my guy is doing what she is doing and all he can center on is my installing a keylogger his bags will just be packed that much quicker.

 

And again, I wouldn't do it. But I can see why he felt so nervous and insecure enough to stoop. She is the one who is parading around like a single woman with her online escapades.

 

I agree that once a person gets to the point of installing a keylogger the relationship is already doomed. But not JUST BECAUSE of the keylogger if the other person has been sneaky and creeping. The keylogger isn't the ONLY issue in this marriage is what I am saying. You guys act like her actions are okay as long as he didn't install a keylogger. No, her actions are not okay either, and if he is willing to forgive her and start again, why can't she forgive that he felt insecure enough by her behavior to do this?

 

Why is he the only one who is supposed to forgive and forget and work on this? She can do the same if they want to salvage their marriage.

 

In my eyes once a person gets to the point of chatting like this for hours with men they meet online THAT is what doomed the marriage. Not the keylogger. The keylogger IMO was installed AFTER it was already doomed.

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Keyloggers kill the relationship regardless of the results. If it shows malfeasance, relationship dead. If nothing at all bad is found, if the person installing it is honorable at all, will tell the other person about the logger and trust is broken and the other person bounces, disgusted.

 

Anyway you slice it, relationship is dead before you click "install".

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I think she has given you lots of reasons to mistrust, your insecurity isn't unfounded. The keylogger was wrong, but it's a symptom of her clandestine activities. Monitoring her behavior isn't going to save your marriage. She has to change her ways...we can't tell you if that will ever occur.

 

This is honestly my problem atm. Because of the problems in my mind i feel if i can catch something soon enough i can prevent her from getting in trouble. Its almost like im trying to be a father and its wrong. I need to find a way to forget the past and try to see if this will grow or stop.

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Keyloggers kill the relationship regardless of the results. If it shows malfeasance, relationship dead. If nothing at all bad is found, if the person installing it is honorable at all, will tell the other person about the logger and trust is broken and the other person bounces, disgusted.

 

Anyway you slice it, relationship is dead before you click "install".

 

You guys are a bit crazy, no offense intended but I'm trying to get my arms around how what SHE did isn't what put the curtain down on this marriage. The relationship was killed when someone decides to emotionally cheat. The danger to this relationship happened long before he installed a keylogger.

 

His main 'crime' here is in not telling her hey it's over if I find one more piece of evidence that you are messing around with men online. So sue him. HE loves her and was hoping she'd stop. That is why he did it. While what he did was wrong, what she did WAS WORSE! I don't ever want to be snooped on but I'll take that over my partner having an emotional affair! I feel like I could talk thru the invasion of privacy thing over with a marriage counselor much quicker and easier than I could if he took to the emotional attachment of another woman.

 

Snooping on a partner = bad. Will take a lot of time to get over, but counseling might repair it.

 

Emotionally cheating with men (or women if the case be) online = marital suicide and trust might NEVER be restored as it is involving another person one brought into their marriage with the aim of betrayal.

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The crazy part is that you're arguing against a strawman. No one is claiming that the keylogger is what doomed the relationship. Everyone understands that it was already dead. I am not villifying the OP for his keylogger. However, it's quite like taking a life insurance policy out on a dead person. You're just missing the point.

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The crazy part is that you're arguing against a strawman. No one is claiming that the keylogger is what doomed the relationship. Everyone understands that it was already dead. I am not villifying the OP for his keylogger. However, it's quite like taking a life insurance policy out on a dead person. You're just missing the point.

 

No sir, I am not missing the point.

 

IF i ever got to the point where I felt like I needed to emotionally cheat and my husband or b/f was on to me, to the point they installed a keylogger, I'd feel really horrible that they did that, BUT IF I LOVED HIM i would understand WHY he was so suspicious because it would have been ME who caused the mistrust. And if i loved him and wanted to make it work I would get around the keylogger in hopes that he could ALSO forgive me for fooling around behind his back. If he could forgive me for that, how could I never find it in my will to forgive him for trying to find answers out of desperation?

 

No strawman in my argument. If I were the wife in this equation I'd be smart enough to realize (if i really loved my husband) to realize he did what he did as he was desperate to keep me and didn't want to lose me to another man, and was looking for answers because my shady behavior led him to some temporary insanity in the name of trying to save what we had.

 

I'd be mad that he did it, but even more ashamed that my behavior made him ever even considerate it.

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The crazy part is that you're arguing against a strawman. No one is claiming that the keylogger is what doomed the relationship. Everyone understands that it was already dead. I am not villifying the OP for his keylogger. However, it's quite like taking a life insurance policy out on a dead person. You're just missing the point.

 

This. This exactly.

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Semantics again. I wasn't saying that you were missing the point... I was saying that a person installing a keylogger was missing the point about his/her relationship already being beyond salvageable. Therefore, the 10 minutes spent on installation could have been better served watching the grass grow because it would have been equally effective.

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Damn didnt expect such a heated argument, usually sites like this it takes 2 days to get a response. I did tell her the next time she can take a leave of absence for a bit and decide what she really wants.

 

There is no "site like this." This place is epic and unprecedented.

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it's quite like taking a life insurance policy out on a dead person.

 

It's more like finding out WHY the person died. What should the OP have done--tell her it's over because he feels she is doing something but can't tell what? No, you find out what's going on because she certainly won't confess.

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You beat me to it. Keylogger = "end of relationship". Once you go there, I have no idea how you come back. It's emotional quicksand. Pray someone throws you a vine somehow.
Wrong.

 

If your spouse does things that cause you to not trust them - such as hiding contact and deleting history, you have a duty to your MARRIAGE to snoop to make sure the marriage is intact. Don't let people guilt you out of protecting your marriage.

 

If you find nothing, stop snooping. It's that simple.

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I will never understand how anyone feels justified invading someone's personal spaces, like a child or a pet misbehaving. Never will.

 

You make a vow when you marry to love and protect the other person. If the other person oversteps the bounds, it's up to the remaining spouse to try to save the marriage.

 

I will never understand how anyone can let a cheating spouse just run all over them just because the cheater has an agenda. Well, if I just ask nicer, they'll have pity on me and come back. Not.

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Take it from someone that has experienced this EXACT scenario. My marriage has been dissolved for just over a year now. Almost 12 years down the drain...too much insecurity, lack of trust, emotional cheating, unforgiving, taken for granted, You name it!

 

my advice, seek counseling if you have any hope whatsoever of salvaging what you have.

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Wrong.

 

If your spouse does things that cause you to not trust them - such as hiding contact and deleting history, you have a duty to your MARRIAGE to snoop to make sure the marriage is intact. Don't let people guilt you out of protecting your marriage.

 

If you find nothing, stop snooping. It's that simple.

 

If you have to result to doing something as devious as using a keylogger to spy on your partner then your marriage is a complete shame by pure definition. It's like reading someone's diary or worse. It's a complete an utter breach of privacy. Please offer me examples where people have employed a keylogger, found nothing, and then the happy couple lived happily ever after. It simply doesn't happen.

 

Say "wrong" all you like, but you're staring into a mirror if you say it.

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