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Dating some who has a 2 year old daughter


Massari

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Here I have a situation that I was never involved with. There is a girl at work and I was told by one of my co-workers that she likes me, I started to talk to her and learned that she is going through a divorce and the divorce will be finalized in about a year. She said her and the husband are no together but she they have to live in the same house now because they have a daughter who is 2 years old.

Now here is where the situation gets a little complicated for me, being married and divorced is not an issue for me but the baby is an issue for me. I don’t know how it would be in the future, how my parents will react to this. What her expectations would be from me if we do get serious.

She is a very sweet girl, gorgeous smart and I know she likes me. We spoke last night on the phone for 2 hours, conversation went great and I enjoyed every minute of it.

 

Any advise of if anyone was in a similar situation would be greatly appreciated.

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At this point, I would be more concerned that she still lives with her husband and is still legally married, than I would be about her having a 2 y/o child. I would not persue this until she's living on her own, and her divorce is final. Even then, she needs time to be by herself, and heal.

 

Nothing good will come from this if you try to get into a relationship with her at this time.

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I agree with Heart, completely. This cannot possibly work out well for any of you, at this point, and that includes not only you and she, but her husband and child, as well. It's all too fresh, too complicated and too unresolved to venture into at this time.

 

I commend you for thinking so far ahead and trying to factor in as many angles and influences in the future that you can think of, but I am afraid that it is the present that is the rub. This one sounds like a non-starter, right from inception.

 

I am sorry, and I wish you much luck.

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Nothing good will come from this if you try to get into a relationship with her at this time.

 

I agree, even once the divorce is final, until she's completely healed and is ready to move on you'll only be her shoulder to cry on. Emotionally she will not be ready any time soon.

 

I'm sure he'll still be in their daughter's life so you'll need to be ready to accept that fact.

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If the fact that she has a child is a concern for you then think long and hard about setting the wheels in motion for getting attached to her and having a relationship. My ex had children and I was never really comfortable with them when I used to only see them every other weekend and then when we got married it was even harder for me. With a long term view in mind, raising someone else's children is not easy. I wish that I would have paid attention to my gut feelings but I didn't and it took a toll on everyone involved.

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I think that the most complicated and potentially dramatic element is the fact that she and her soon to be ex husband live in the same house. I personally dont buy the we have to for the kid excuse.

 

As for the kid issue, you have to be honest with yourself. If youre not up for dating a girl who has a child then dont.

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I agree, even once the divorce is final, until she's completely healed and is ready to move on you'll only be her shoulder to cry on. Emotionally she will not be ready any time soon.

 

I'm sure he'll still be in their daughter's life so you'll need to be ready to accept that fact.

 

 

Thank you all for the advise. Having the father in the daughter's life is something I agree, the child needs a father. she siad the daughter will be with her one week and with the father the week after, however what I want to be sure is that there is nothing going on between them Mentally and physically , this is something that I cannot accept. But the other complications are still there, resposibilities that come after and her expections of me for the daughter as a potential BF,

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If you do pursue this woman, you have to be realistic, anyone going through divorce will not be ready for any sort of committed relationship for awhile. Considering that they will not be officially divorced for a year, I would keep your options open.

 

I'm not trying to deter you from this woman at all, you two could be a wonderful match but her divorce is one thing and when you involve a child you have to be absolutely sure before going any further. If the daughter becomes attached to you, whether or not you're related by blood and things don't work out, it's not only this woman you'll leave behind but the child as well.

 

Since the little girl is still a toddler, much of her mother's attention will be on her as well as dealing with the divorce. You'll need a lot of patience and accept that she may just not be ready for any sort of serious relationship. Even if she is I'm sure she'll have many doubts, fear and some days she may act completely opposite. Just be ready emotionally and be VERY patient if you still want to pursue her.

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I just ended a relationship with a woman who had a very young child. If I had it to do over again, I would be more careful about the time that I spent with the child. We dated for a couple of years and breaking up was very hard because of her little girl -- I think of her as a daughter and she thinks of me as a dad. But now, it is very hard to spend any quality time with her because of the break-up. It is hard on me, because I love the child so much, and worse, it is very hard on the child, because she doesn't understand why I won't be her dad anymore.

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Speaking as a single mother with a two year old, lol, there are a few different mindsets a mother can have. First and foremost, I would say to certainly wait until all of her personal stuff is finalized before you make a move, there are too many factors that could lead to drama in that situation. But, one thing I know in my situation, is my daughter already has a dad. Yes we didnt work out as a couple, but she has her father position filled. If you like the woman, after a while, take time to get to know the daughter, and if things feel right... keep going...(the feelings may grow on you)... but if it feels awkward and weird, then get out of there.

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Heart has it right. It doesn't matter how much this little girl likes you; as long as the mother is still living with her husband, it makes the whole situation sticky.

 

I'm not saying you should pursue a relationship with this woman, and certainly plenty of kids have a biological dad and a 'new' dad. And if you think you'd be a good parent, you should definitely step up. The issue is that the real dad needs to be in the picture, so if that makes you uncomfortable, maybe it would be better to end the relationship.

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thankyou all for the wonderul feedback on this matter.. i like all the different insights and it is really helping me to see the picture clearly. I just needed some positive view other then the one that my sister says ( don't go , it's complicated) I mean i know it's not a normal situation especially with the daughter but what if things actually go well i wouldn't have any issues i think. I saw few pictures of her daughter and she is absolutely adorable. I like kids.

 

We actually went out last night again and it was again a very pleasant conversation (this was 2nd date). at the end i kissed her very gently on the lips nothing major. She is very easy to talk to i feel very comfortable. She kept saying i am such a gentleman and she likes that....

 

I won't run into anything fast, I am getting to know her better as we talk and so far i didn't see anything in her personality and /or situation that i dislike. yes she is busy, but so Am I. She works 5 days a week and i work 7 days. She finishes work at 5 PM and i finish at 9 PM. so if we can spend time it would be at night for a couple hours. I think this gives a good chance to get to know another person better.

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Some more information about the situation of her and the husband, They were broken up since last year. but because she had citizenship issues and they had a baby together they got married so she can have her passport and all. but they haven't been together for a year now and she said she report every month to her lawyer that she is still at this address and so on. So that's why I am not too worried about the husband living with her.

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update:

 

She has some major trust issues.. yesterday at work I noticed she got upset all of a sudden. Asked her why,, she later on said i thought i saw you looking at another girl I was so shocked.. i didn't. we work in a call center customer service.. so we are just sitting behind a computer and yes most of them are women. there but i wasn't looking at anyone.. again later at night when i was at home she sent me this message " just curious do you call anyone else baby. sweetie honey or just me?! again i was shocked.. i don't even have a lot of female friend and my relationship with them is nothing . don't even call them and they don't even call me! i don't know why she thinks like that..

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leave her alone man. this situation she got upset with you about has something to do with her current situation and you are taking the brunt of it. uhh uhh, no way would i.

 

 

You think so? or you would think it has to do with past experiences in the past ,, I mean i know for a fact i have trust issues with people but i try my best not to let it effect a new relationship ... :S

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why not go for someone you like? you heard a girl likes you at work and now you are considering.

 

to me, this girl has too much baggage. a kid is a stretch for me in the first place, but emotional baggage weighs a lot more to carry.

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but emotional baggage weighs a lot more to carry.

 

 

That's exactly what concerned me. Emotional baggage. I mean you all all know my dating history (its terrible) ... so if i want to bring all that into any relationship that i get into i would repel anyone i guess! but I don't let them effect it or at least i try to. I see this as her not trusting me eventhough she clearly sees that i give her my attention , calling/texting her but yet she has doubts and she feels threatens so easily. we actually had a talk 2 nights ago, she wanted to explain her situation to me, she said i am very busy so as a result i might not be able to see you as often as we both want (or as you want) i understand that having a 2 year old is a great responsibility and i am not denying that.

 

I also asked her more about her situation with the father. They weren't together as a couple for more then a year now but the lawyer told her to get married so she can get her citizenship stuff sorted out, they are seeing other ppl, she said husband is going out not with someone for about 7 months now, they just have small talks here and there in the house. they have separate rooms and all.

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you are diving waaaaay too deep to just be starting off with a new girl man. you are 26 man. too many other nice, no kids, no baggage girls out there still. i'm older than you and still looking for that.

 

not that there is anything wrong with girls with kids, it's just not my thing. but everything else in this situation would be a definite NO for me. i like living as drama free as possible.

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I am having second thoughts now... not cause of the kids or the situation. but her personality.. very moodi.. snaps at me over the smallest thing.. not believing or trusting me and very short tempered. and then appologizing me everytime cause she was mad and upset. I mean it hasn't been even a month and already???

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Upadet:

 

2 days ago we had a talk.. things moved a little quickly lately and i am gettin attached and we both like each other.. the connection is there but unfortunately her situation is something that my parents wouldn't be ok with it and 6 months down the road i think it would creat issues. She asked me if that was the case then why did you continue date me... i resoponded i didn't know if would be even compatible.. but now that we are i need to tell you this, i mean i know it has only been 2 weeks or so but if we continue and i know things will get better between us but if that day comes and we have to split i wouldn't be able to stand being hurt or to hurt you.

 

 

I don't know if i did the right thing or not but i do miss her now. we are both pretty upset about this.

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