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Why waiting for a proposal?


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I see a lot of threads here of people saying "We've been together X amount of years, why doesn't he propose?", " I thought he would propose on valentine's say, but he didn't, what do I do?"... Is it just me that find the whole proposal tradition a bit stupid? I mean if you really want to get married to someone, why wait for him to propose? Why not talk to him and tell him your concerns, make decisions together and get engaged? yeah, sure, women want it to be all perfect and romantic, but when it's not, why not just talk it out right away?

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Because little girls were told princess stories as kids and expect a shining white kn-- I mean, a guy to hit all the marks so she can have her very own fairytale too!

 

I saw a thread earlier this week about a woman who needed 6,000 dollars, so her boyfriend gave it to her and then she says "I'd dump him before I'd ask him to marry me."

 

-- If you love someone, there is no reason ANYONE cannot just ask or have a group discussion.

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Because the tradition in our world is such that, the guy usually does the proposing and if he doesn't, it's usually pretty safe to say it's because he does not want to marry you.

 

I know. I just think waiting for it doesn't make any sense. If after a few years or months or whatever, you like to get married, you have to talk to the person and see how he feels, if he feels the same plan the wedding. But girls here seem to shy away from the talk and instead stay and wait for a proposal. and if the proposal doesn't happen at the times they expected they get all sad and insecure.

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I know. I just think waiting for it doesn't make any sense. If after a few years or months or whatever, you like to get married, you have to talk to the person and see how he feels, if he feels the same plan the wedding. But girls here seem to shy away from the talk and instead stay and wait for a proposal. and if the proposal doesn't happen at the times they expected they get all sad and insecure.

 

somewhat understandable. they want their boyfriend to want to marry them, and be excited to do so. When he doesn't bring it up, they assume he doesn't want to.

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i also think it makes more sense to talk it out and see what each person is thinking. now, if they have agreed to get married, but he wants to surprise her with an 'official' proposal, then that's a different story!

 

Sometimes this "surprise" can be an excuse for men to just postpone the engagement when they are unsure of it which makes the women more miserable.

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Because many women go a bit psycho on the rituals related to proposals and marriage. they can be the most independent women in the world in so many ways, but if they've been raised on prince charming and princess fantasies, they still think like a powerless little girl when it comes to this ritual, like it is some proof that he loves her or she is special or he's a prince or whatever and she's scared to death to mention marriage for fear it might 'jinx' a proposal.

 

Yes, it totally baffles me too, and I'm a woman. I see so many women go nuts on this and sometimes waste years with a guy who doesn't want to marry and never bring the subject up for discussion, because they are passively waiting for that proposal that they are DETERMINED he will do, and in such a way to meet their fantasies too, or he's in the doghouse. Then when they find out years later he doesn't want to marry, they are furious, but it is their own passivity on the subject that keeps them from every broaching it with the guy.

 

And truthfully, I've seen more women get proposals when they give the guy very specific instructions about when they want to have it and when they want to get married, rather than just sulking in the background waiting for it. Women need to read more about the art of closing the deal to understand why that passive waiting can fail... L>OL!!

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On the flipside, most of the couples (that I've seen on here) where the woman is waiting for the man to propose have talked about engagement, marriage and children through and through. They've had many conversations, the man often expresses doubts or that he is not quite ready, but will be "soon", or says that he does want to get married, but just never quite makes it official. In those case, I think these women are waiting for a proposal as CONFIRMATION that the man really wants to get married.

 

There are so many stories and apocryphal tales about women forcing men to get married, being the old ball and chain. It's sort of assumed, society-wide, that women are dying to get married and that men do not want to tied down. That, in my opinion, is why proposals remain so prevalent: women feel a bit insecure that men do not really want to marry them but feel forced, so they want a proposal as confirmation of the fact. Most of the stories on here do not involve a flashy ring - the women just want a gesture that says "I WANT to marry you".

 

And I get that. A lot of times on here too, you see threads where the couple has been together for ages and the man says he wants to get married but refuses to move forward. And usually those couples end up breaking up because the truth is that the guy just does not envision a future with his girlfriend.

 

So, yes, expecting a romantic proposal on bended knee complete with 10 zillion carat diamond ring and rose petals and a sunset is ridiculous? But wanting some reassurance that the man wants to get married as much as the woman does, and will not later say that he felt pressured to marry her (as I have seen so many times on here)? That's legit, in my opinion. (Of course if you nag for that proposal, it sort of makes the whole thing pointless).

 

For what it's worth, most of the couples I know in real life have an "engagement" story that goes about like this:

- we were together

- we knew we wanted to get married

- we talked a lot about engagement and marriage and agreed on the time line, and on our goals, and what we wanted to happen

- he proposed, mostly as a formality, with a usually modest ring and a proposal that was sweet but not over the top or some large romantic production

- they got married

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I feel like the assumption (assumption, not fact) is that men will "take longer to commit" than women. I'm not sure if that comes from the tradition of men proposing or is contributes to the tradition of men proposing... but it's an interesting concept.

 

The man is "supposed" to be the one who isn't sure, and the woman is "supposed" to be the one who patiently waits for him... hence women feeling like they can't take the step to propose, or even the step to initiate the conversation.

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Well, I think a big part of the disconnect is girls typically have it beaten into them that THEY WILL HAVE A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING ONE DAY AND YOU'LL WEAR A BEAUTIFUL DRESS AND EVERYONE WILL PAY ATTENTION TO YOU AND IT'LL BE THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.

 

...and then here's this other person with his other agenda, GETTING IN THE WAY OF THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

 

Guys... don't get this at all. Dads really don't say "Son, one day, you'll put on a manbeautiful tuxedo, and everyone will pay attention to you and it'll be the happiest day of your life" I mean, that NEVER happens.

 

Personally, I think we need to stop hatching little girls and then bombarding them with all this unimportant BS because when it doesn't happen, you hear "WASN'T I WORTH IT??" "DON'T I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY??"

 

It's ridiculous.

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Well, I think a big part of the disconnect is girls typically have it beaten into them that THEY WILL HAVE A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING ONE DAY AND YOU'LL WEAR A BEAUTIFUL DRESS AND EVERYONE WILL PAY ATTENTION TO YOU AND IT'LL BE THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.

 

...and then here's this other person with his other agenda, GETTING IN THE WAY OF THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

 

Guys... don't get this at all. Dad's really don't say "Son, one day, you'll put on a manbeautiful tuxedo, and everyone will pay attention to you and it'll be the happiest day of your life" I mean, that NEVER happens.

 

Personally, I think we need to stop hatching little girls and then bombarding them with all this unimportant BS because when it doesn't happen, you hear "WASN'T I WORTH IT??" "DON'T I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY??"

 

It's ridiculous.

 

I think you're being a little bit unfair. For some women, there's this fairytale white wedding idea, sure.

 

But I think what Firiel said (and I tried to point out as well)

 

I feel like the assumption (assumption, not fact) is that men will "take longer to commit" than women. I'm not sure if that comes from the tradition of men proposing or is contributes to the tradition of men proposing... but it's an interesting concept.

 

The man is "supposed" to be the one who isn't sure, and the woman is "supposed" to be the one who patiently waits for him... hence women feeling like they can't take the step to propose, or even the step to initiate the conversation.

 

is also very important, and a big part of why women want a proposal - and this doesn't come from a place of princess-hood but a place of real insecurity because men are constantly portrayed as viewing marriage as the "old ball and chain".

 

Personally, although I would never need a big Disney-proposal, I would want to feel 100% sure that my boyfriend/fiance/husband felt that he was marrying me freely and out of his own free will and desire. It would be devastating to later have it thrown in your face that he only married you because you were "pressuring" him.

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I get that...but honestly if one day I am sure I want to get married and my guy is not, I'm not sure if I can continue the relationship. I would never wait for him to propose. If we talked about it and he accepted to marry me, we should plan for the future and if he or I really like to do the whole "official proposal", he better do it in a specific time frame that we decided together.

 

 

 

I agree with you hex, I don't give a damn about having a wedding and getting attention. I guess I'm just different from other girls when it comes to fairytales.

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Personally, although I would never need a big Disney-proposal, I would want to feel 100% sure that my boyfriend/fiance/husband felt that he was marrying me freely and out of his own free will and desire. It would be devastating to later have it thrown in your face that he only married you because you were "pressuring" him.

 

A proposal doesn't always mean that tho. Many men propose just to keep their woman satisfied while they don't really want to do it. I think you can find out about his desire to get married easily when you have a conversation about it. A proposal is not needed for that.

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I think you're being a little bit unfair. For some women, there's this fairytale white wedding idea, sure.

 

But I think what Firiel said (and I tried to point out as well)

 

 

is also very important, and a big part of why women want a proposal - and this doesn't come from a place of princess-hood but a place of real insecurity because men are constantly portrayed as viewing marriage as the "old ball and chain".

 

 

Personally, although I would never need a big Disney-proposal, I would want to feel 100% sure that my boyfriend/fiance/husband felt that he was marrying me freely and out of his own free will and desire. It would be devastating to later have it thrown in your face that he only married you because you were "pressuring" him.

 

Would you propose to a man you loved and you were ready to be married?

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Would you propose to a man you loved and you were ready to be married?

 

I know this question wasn't directed at me, but I feel like a "proposal" and "commitment" are two different terms. A proposal is often just a formal thing that doesn't serve to do anything but make a "commitment" official.

 

Before my fiance proposed to me, he told me he was ready to commit to me. And when I was ready to commit to him, I told him that. The engagement quickly followed my commitment, but the proposal wasn't really anything more than a good story to tell friends and a good memory. I wouldn't have proposed to my fiance, but I would (and did) tell him I was ready to get married when I was.

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I know this question wasn't directed at me, but I feel like a "proposal" and "commitment" are two different terms. A proposal is often just a formal thing that doesn't serve to do anything but make a "commitment" official.

 

Before my fiance proposed to me, he told me he was ready to commit to me. And when I was ready to commit to him, I told him that. The engagement quickly followed my commitment, but the proposal wasn't really anything more than a good story to tell friends and a good memory. I wouldn't have proposed to my fiance, but I would (and did) tell him I was ready to get married when I was.

 

Okay, granted. Understand what you're saying. But why wouldn't you?

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.... big part of why women want a proposal - and this doesn't come from a place of princess-hood but a place of real insecurity because men are constantly portrayed as viewing marriage as the "old ball and chain".

 

Personally, although I would never need a big Disney-proposal, I would want to feel 100% sure that my boyfriend/fiance/husband felt that he was marrying me freely and out of his own free will and desire. It would be devastating to later have it thrown in your face that he only married you because you were "pressuring" him.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking. Even in my own experience with my last boyfriend - there was a point in our relationship where we were happy enough together to want to be together forever, and he did used to tell me he'd marry me one day. But I could never have flat out asked him - although I would have loved to get engaged at one point, he made it subtly clear that he had a priorities list, mainly financial, and marriage was not at the top yet. So asking him would basically have been asking to be rejected.

 

Maybe every woman doesn't experience this first hand, but it is what we hear about and what men seem to reinforce - they just don't seem to like marriage as much as we do. Knowing that - why set yourself up for disappointment?

 

And like Sophie says - it would be crippling for him to later tell you that he felt he was pressured into marriage. What a horrible thing to say.

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Well, I think a big part of the disconnect is girls typically have it beaten into them that THEY WILL HAVE A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING ONE DAY AND YOU'LL WEAR A BEAUTIFUL DRESS AND EVERYONE WILL PAY ATTENTION TO YOU AND IT'LL BE THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.

 

...and then here's this other person with his other agenda, GETTING IN THE WAY OF THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

 

Guys... don't get this at all. Dad's really don't say "Son, one day, you'll put on a manbeautiful tuxedo, and everyone will pay attention to you and it'll be the happiest day of your life" I mean, that NEVER happens.

 

Personally, I think we need to stop hatching little girls and then bombarding them with all this unimportant BS because when it doesn't happen, you hear "WASN'T I WORTH IT??" "DON'T I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY??"

 

It's ridiculous.

 

Hex, you're my hero!! lol.

 

I find that most young girls these days are in love with the IDEA of the wedding, the dress and the cake. They almost seem obsessed with proposals and getting married.

 

OP: I agree with you. If they want things to move along, then they should be adult enough to discuss it. At least that way they should get an idea if the guy is serious or not and they can move on or not.

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Okay, granted. Understand what you're saying. But why wouldn't you?

 

I'll own it. Tradition. That's totally, 100% it. But I don't have a problem with tradition unless it starts negatively affecting your life or the life of others. As long as the decision to get married is truly mutual, I think that the proposal is a harmless, fun tradition. My fiance went on a walk with me to the first place we said "I love you." Simple and meaningful.

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I'll own it. Tradition. That's totally, 100% it. But I don't have a problem with tradition unless it starts negatively affecting your life or the life of others. As long as the decision to get married is truly mutual, I think that the proposal is a harmless, fun tradition. My fiance went on a walk with me to the first place we said "I love you." Simple and meaningful.

 

I so so so applaud you for being honest. I KNEW IT THOUGH. Haha.

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Okay, but... if you basically get to a point where you have to get married or you're leaving and he proposes... how is that any less pressuring him to get married?

 

Well, I hope it wouldn't get to that point - he already knows I would like to get married since we've already discussed how we feel about that sort of thing, I know although he's not that excited about weddings - his parents divorced when he was young - he understands the importance it can have to do it and what it means to a relationship, so if we had been together long enough for it to be an issue that he hadn't, I would be thinking that he genuinely doesn't want to marry me.

 

In which case, it wouldn't matter if he proposed even after I left, since it would be ONLY because I left. There would be no ultimatum - if he didn't want to propose until it became clear I would be leaving, that's not love, that's desperation.

 

I almost had that situation with my ex. After we broke up he told me he'd been looking at engagement rings shortly before the event. I'm almost 100% he was only doing so because he'd felt me start to shut down and panicked. If he'd really wanted to keep me and marry me, he wouldn't have needed me leaving to 'shock' him into proposing.

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Would you propose to a man you loved and you were ready to be married?

 

As in getting down on one knee? LOL, no. I would talk to him about marriage, and tell him that's what I wanted, and ask him whether he felt the same way, and hopefully he would want to be married too, and we could go ahead with planning a wedding or just getting married without him proposing to me. I don't need a proposal or a ring to get married. But I probably wouldn't propose to a man with a ring.

 

The serious relationship I was in, we openly and freely talked about marriage and future plans. It wasn't a hush-hush or taboo subject, and I didn't feel like I couldn't talk to him about it. I would have had no problem saying "let's set a date" to him if I felt like we were ready to take the plunge, and I could see myself making a lovely little speech about how he meant the world to me. No knee or ring though - I don't think most men want that!

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Everyone is different, some women wait years and years until they realize he will not propose. Sure they can propose to him, but society and tradition have taught us that a man should be the one proposing. Women also think if they propose, he might reject them since he has not already proposed.

 

I think there comes a time in a relationship when couples discuss a future and what is expected from each other, if the guy is a commitment phoebe chances are he might never propose.

 

I am your typical girl that wants the fairy tale and I don't give a damn about those people saying that it's been "beaten" into our heads from fairy tale's etc. I think a wedding is a beautiful thing or two people joining together in front of their families and friends and celebrating their love for each other.

 

I would never propose to a guy because I want to be the princess and that's just how I am. Like it or not I really don't care what people think about my opinion on this.

Some women just don't give a damn about wedding, the dress or anything they are just fine with being with that person and that's good for you. Others want that special day, and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

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