Jump to content

Hypothetical situation: What would you do ?


Unity

Recommended Posts

This just happened to a friend of mine today, let's call her "C." C is very upset at her boyfriend right now. Here's the situation:

 

C has been dating her boyfriend for two months and has been exclusive for the last three weeks - very new relationship. C just found out that someone she knows and cares for a lot, a friend's father, passed away from cancer - not unexpectedly, as the family had been told he only had a week or so left to live. So they all knew it would be soon. He did die earlier today, a few hours ago.

 

C's boyfriend already had plans to drive an hour and a half tonight after work to visit his family, which he does pretty much every weekend. He had plans to play pool/drink beer with his buddies back home. Nothing super important besides that.

 

C gets the text while at work informing her that her friend's father had died, and so C emails her boyfriend immediately to let him know that she's leaving work early. C had previously told her boyfriend that she will be very upset when this person passes, so he knew already that it would be a difficult loss for her. C's boyfriend then emails her back to let her know he's sorry, and that he'll call her later.

 

He did not mention anything about canceling or changing his plans at all - so C is assuming that he's going to leave work and go to his hometown as previously planned.

 

If you were C's boyfriend, would you cancel your plans to spend the night with her and comfort her - or would you just call her later to see if she's OK?

 

Be honest.

 

Thanks for reading

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I, personaly, would ask if they wanted me there. I dont know the family, the friend or the person who died, so I dont have an emotional investment. Couple that with the fact that I HATE funerals and dealing with the grief, I would probably stay away, unless she told me that she really needed me. But it sounds like she has her plans and he has his. I dont see an issue with this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The funeral isn't even plannet yet - this is really just about him spending time to comfort her. He just said "I'll call you later" implying that he'll call her to talk, but will still go ahead with his plans. She didn't have any plans other than to not be at work any more since she was upset.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If it was C's father has passed - yes the guy should have been there - but a father of a friend - that is iffy. He can still "be there for her" by listening to her. Actually, when you think about it. If someone dies one day, the funeral usually isn't right then. It is maybe between three days and a week later. So he could be back by that time anyways.

 

My grandfather was in the hospital when my boyfriend and I were just going out about that long. He was "there' for me. He didn't come to the hospital, but he called to ask how things were going and when I saw him he was an ear and a shoulder. Grandpa ended up being okay, but it was really scary.

 

I think that guys are not mind readers. If she said "its going to be hard when he passes" he doesn't automatically think "she is asking me to be by her side". He thinks "its going to be hard on her when he passes. She'll be upset." he DID say he was sorry and would call later.

 

I guess my answer is no I don't think she should expect him to drop everything. And after just 3 weeks of being exclusive, he shouldn't be expected to be a family member/be on full boyfriend duties

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think I would cancel our plans, no. Not unless it became apparent my girlfriend was truly not up to it - or she actually asked me to do so. I would feel that, given this is a member of someone else's family, and thus the death is at least somewhat removed from her, she would more than likely benefit from doing something fun (and thus taking her mind off things temporarily) - and from spending time with someone who cares about her.

 

However, as I said, I'd be okay with canceling things if it were asked of me, or, as I said, her behaviour indicated that she really wouldn't be up to it. But I would certainly resent any implication that I was being insensitive (or what have you) if I did not immediately cancel our plans together.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Perhaps I should clarify a bit (apologies) - the guy who died was like a father figure to C. Although it does seem "iffy" at best (because they're in different families) she was actually quite close to him and the family in general and is definitely very upset about the loss.

 

Actually just got off the phone with her - she's crying pretty bad ...

 

Also to clarify: She was not planning on accompanying him to go to his family's house - he was going alone. It wasn't THEIR plans - it was just HIS.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If she wants him to cancel his plans to comfort her she should say so and not be passive-aggressive about it. He's not a mind-reader and they haven't been together long enough for him to guess what she wants him to do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree DN -

 

Actually she hasn't mentioned at all that she's upset about him not cancelling. *I* was just thinking about that and wondering myself, since this situation came up, what most people would do in that situation ..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I, personaly, would ask if they wanted me there. I dont know the family, the friend or the person who died, so I dont have an emotional investment. Couple that with the fact that I HATE funerals and dealing with the grief, I would probably stay away, unless she told me that she really needed me. But it sounds like she has her plans and he has his. I dont see an issue with this.

 

i agree. i think everyone grieves differently and we shouldn't expect others to react to death as you do. some people like to be alone, some people like to be around others, some people go right back into their normal routine. I think if C wants to lean on her new bf for support, she can. though the new bf may be thinking that C would rather spend time with her friend and the rest of that family right now, as they knew him and the boyfriend doesn't.

 

i don't get the impression that the new bf is being insensitive, probably just that he wants to give her space to grieve. besides, he already has plans, and it's not as though he knew the guy personally. if i were dating a man whose family friend died, i would probably leave him alone and let him call me when he is ready.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you let your SO know that you would be very upset by this, then I would at least ask are you alright and if there's anything I can do. I don't think it should be expected that he says that he'll drop his plans and come by, seeing as it is not immediate family. Still, its kind of common courtesy to inquire how you're feeling and if he can do anything if you mention someone you know has died.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It depends.

First thing I'll do is ask if that person, sincerely wants me there.

 

If she does, I'll cancel anything for them.

If she doesn't, I'll respect that, and reach her later to ask how she feels.

 

Of course, there's a third option, to just not care. But that's probably out of discussion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...