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I thought she was interested...now, we don't even talk


PurpleRain

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Hi, everyone. I'm an 18 year old college freshman who's had his share of trouble socializing with women--especially lately--and I'd like your advice on how I should approach the situation that currently faces me.

 

A month ago, I became interested in a girl that currently attends my old high school. She and I met in January at a competition for one of my high school's extracurricular activities, one which I captained last year and she joined this year. At the first competition, we exchanged glances but didn't talk at all; at the second, we chatted for a while; at the third, we chatted extensively and maybe flirted too--I'm not quite sure.

 

The night of that third competition, she "friended" me on Facebook and we chatted for a couple of hours. The next day, we chatted for three and a half hours, diving into all sorts of topics--high school, college, sports, family--and realized that we share many things in common. We agreed, during the course of the chat, to go bowling together the following week.

 

Two days later, we chatted again, this time for four hours. The conversation started out superficial, but after an hour or so, she started opening up to me. She expressed frustration that her friends and family were not supporting her during a stressful time. She told me that she was not happy being forced to adjust to a new lifestyle on her own. At the end of our chat, she thanked me for talking those issues out with her, and told me that I had helped.

 

The next day, she sent me a message saying that she would have to cancel our bowling date because her parents wanted her to visit a local college. I asked her if another day this week would work, but she did not respond to my message. When I tried chatting with her later that week, she told me that she was busy studying for a test--however, she stayed online for several more hours. The next week, when I proposed another date for bowling, she told me that she had plans with her family again. She told me that the next two months (Feb. and Mar.) would be extremely busy for her. At that point, I decided to give her a rest, realizing that whatever chemistry we had developed during that first week had disappeared, and that trying to revive it would be too frustrating a task.

 

Now that a month has passed, I feel ready to give it another shot. I plan to visit my high school in a couple of weeks to see some of my friends/acquaintances from last year, and I'm pretty sure I'll see her there as well. However...I'm neither sure nor confident on how I'll approach her.

 

Mostly, I'm confused. Confused as to why she stopped talking to me, while at the same time continuing to chat with her other friends (mostly female, a few male) on Facebook in a social manner. Confused as to why she ever showed interest in me in the first place. She didn't just chat with me for hours on end; she complimented me and showed interest in my well-being. On the night of that third competition, she asked if I would pose for a picture with her (and I did). That same night, she told me that she wanted me to join her and several others in the car ride back to the high school (I didn't because I live in the opposite direction). She told me, on multiple occasions, that she wanted to meet with me again. She expressed interest, more times than I can count, in my life, my mental condition, my physical condition...you name it.

 

Doesn't seem too extreme, does it? But for an introvert like myself who doesn't see opportunities like this too often, it was a big deal. If not a sign of romantic affection, it was at the very least the beginning of a friendship. And if I played my cards right, a friendship could become a relationship...and if not, at least I'd have a female friend for the first time in my life. A month ago, I couldn't imagine that things would be like they are now.

 

If you've managed to read this far, I'm hoping you can help me figure out what my next move should be. When I visit my high school in two weeks, should I ask her out again? Should I let her know my intentions? Should I even approach her at all? I fear that frustration and self-doubt have clouded my judgment so much that I'll make the wrong move...and ruin what could turn into something special.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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Her attraction waned cause you killed it by becoming her therapist...as soon as she became comfortable talking to you about her deep personal life was a sign of you being "friend zoned" for lack of a better term. The chatting for hours just killed your shot. You waited too long to make a move. Yea, the signs she l iked you were there, but she's got a right to change her mind. If you can't step up and make a move she's not going to wait forever.

 

But your perspective is good, this was a great learning experience.

 

For now, back off altogether...be civil and indifferent.

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Her attraction waned cause you killed it by becoming her therapist...as soon as she became comfortable talking to you about her deep personal life was a sign of you being "friend zoned" for lack of a better term. The chatting for hours just killed your shot. You waited too long to make a move. Yea, the signs she l iked you were there, but she's got a right to change her mind. If you can't step up and make a move she's not going to wait forever.

 

But your perspective is good, this was a great learning experience.

 

For now, back off altogether...be civil and indifferent.

 

As a woman, I'd agree with this. I think you waited too long to make a real move; asking her to bowling may not have been perceived as a date, but as a friendly outing. I do think you've been friendzoned because you waited too long to make an explicitly romantic move.

 

As Jim says, I think it's time to move on. I think going back to her now and coming on strong will read as strange and too forward. If she was interested in getting in touch with you or being friendly, she would do so. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like she is.

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Thanks for the advice; I appreciate it.

 

So are you saying it's too late to make anything of this situation? There's nothing I could say or do that would revive our friendship (or whatever it was)? I'd like to think that, if she liked me at one point, she would at least be open to hanging out once more before giving me up. That was the whole idea of bowling--for us to get to know each other in person, so that we could both decide where we wanted this relationship to go.

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Thanks for the advice; I appreciate it.

 

So are you saying it's too late to make anything of this situation? There's nothing I could say or do that would revive our friendship (or whatever it was)? I'd like to think that, if she liked me at one point, she would at least be open to hanging out once more before giving me up. That was the whole idea of bowling--for us to get to know each other in person, so that we could both decide where we wanted this relationship to go.

 

screw it, go as far as she is willing to go

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Thanks for the advice; I appreciate it.

 

So are you saying it's too late to make anything of this situation? There's nothing I could say or do that would revive our friendship (or whatever it was)? I'd like to think that, if she liked me at one point, she would at least be open to hanging out once more before giving me up. That was the whole idea of bowling--for us to get to know each other in person, so that we could both decide where we wanted this relationship to go.

 

Maybe she would be open to hanging out - but the point is, she's been ignoring you. She never set a time for you to go out and eventually stopped talking to you altogether. Do you really want to throw yourself at her mercy again? Again, if she was interested in hanging out - not just open to it - she would be in contact with you.

 

I think it might be better to save yourself some dignity and move on.

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What about the part where she claimed she was busy? Do you buy that at all? Clearly, she's not too busy to have a social life, but I guess I've been telling myself that, if she has more free time in the future, she'll want to spend it with me. If she won't initiate contact, I will--and who knows, maybe things will start to click again.

 

Sorry if I'm sounding stubborn and argumentative, but moving on is a little difficult for someone as picky and introverted as me. I've only felt this way toward a girl a few times in my life, and only once has a girl felt this way about me (that I know of). The way everything else is going for me right now, I feel that I need someone else--maybe just a friend--with whom to share my life.

 

I know that you're supposed to love yourself before you love someone else, but how can you do that when you feel so hopeless about finding that special someone?

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