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My ex boyfriend and I were together for 10 months. He broke up with me yesterday. We are both on spring break right now. We are both seniors in the same college and graduate in a few months. Im applying for grad schools and will probably end up at schools an hour or so away from him/his hometown where he will be returning to (I picked these schools long before I met him, just worked that way) He was planning on doing the long distance relationship with me and such. A few days ago he was telling me he missed me and couldnt wait to go back to school to see me, and that he knew we'd be OK in the future because I make him so happy.

 

My mother had a heart attack yesterday morning. I didnt go to the hospital at all during the day and then went very late at night and stayed til this morning. I have slept a few hours maybe. My uncle and aunt and father went during the day yesterday, and part of the day I babysat my aunt and uncles kids. I think you can imagine I was worried sick, because she had a massive heartattack and all I was going on was phone calls from my father all day. It was annoying, but Im glad I wasnt actually at the hospital then.

 

I annoyed my boyfriend too much yesterday, didnt tell him what was wrong at first because I thought my mother might be fine and didnt want to make a big deal out of it, but just texted him alot. (he likes to text) I just needed a distraction, something to do. He talked to me about normal things at first, and things were fine and he said hed see this one movie that got good reviews with me. Then got irritated and said I cant be available 24/7, and I knew I should have stopped, but I didnt and started to argue with him about something else. (He has gotten irritated with me before about texting him too much) He eventually said (through a text message) "its over" and when I started protesting he kept responding "we arent compatible" "i dont want to be with you, sorry" "i dont want to be your boyfriend" I called him and said to break up with me on the phone and he didnt call back.

 

A few hours later, I got a call from my father saying my mother wasnt looking too good and the doctors werent sure she was going to make it. He was crying and Ive never heard my father cry in my 22 years of life before. I dont know why, about an hour later I kept calling my boyfriend, I sent him texts saying what I heard from my mother. I knew he was mad but I didnt know how much, I thought hed care. He just said "its over" several times. I then, out of stupidity, called his house number (never done that before) and his mother answered. She sounded surprised and happy to hear it was me and asked how I was, then yelled to him that it was me on the phone. He threw a fit. It sounded like he was screaming, I couldnt even distinguish what he was saying, but he was def throwing a fit and it scared me. I knew he was angry but not that explosive. I couldnt bear to hear what his mother would say, so after 10 seconds of hearing this fit I hung up. He then texted me (of course) saying "You pissed me off, now I have to deal with my mother, its over you dont deserve a breakup on the phone" I pleaded with him and he basically said "no Im not your boyfriend, you embarassed me in front of my family and you have been a nightmare annoying me to death go away" After an hour of texting back and forth arguing (I wasnt being mean, I was telling him I didnt want to break up and how much he meant to me) I asked him if he'd call me in a week after he cooled down and I calmed down, and he said "yes, til next week bye for now" I dont know if he did this to get me to go away or what.

 

I should mention we had a big blowup similar to this 5 months ago. It was exactly the same, except instead we had been fighting about his ex who was literally harassing me (thats not an issue at all anymore, shes out of our lives now) He wasnt explosive, but I was at his house and he was quite angry and crying a bit, and he was saying the same things "we are over" "cant be with you" over and over. At the end, he also agreed to call me in a week. We were back together in 4 days (I called him and he asked me to come over) and it surprised me how quickly he changed his mind. When I asked him "why" after we got back together, he said "Those were extreme circumstances" (His ex was extreme, she was spamming my inbox and phone with messages for weeks, and I was worried she might come after one of us)

 

Is history going to repeat? I think these circumstances were more extreme and I always catch him when hes angry, which I know is my fault. I provoke him I guess. After what I heard on the phone to his mother I think he may have anger issues. I know it sounds pathetic, but I want him to come back. He makes me so happy, our relationship is perfect (in my eyes) without these blowups, and he has told me I make him happy too. If I lose him too, I am going to be very depressed for the last 2 1/2 months of the semester, knowing I can walk to his house in 5 mins. Is he going to call me and will everything be alright then? (If he will call in a week to be like, "Oh yeah seriously dont want to be with you!" I dont think I could take that) I know the best I can do is wait a week, and hopefully he will call, but I feel this fight was slightly worse and Im worried sick.

 

BTW, my mother seems to be doing OK. Shes not out of the woods though she is still alive, she has a lot of heart damage and will probably have a difficult recovery.

 

I did text him this morning once I got back from the hospital. I just pretty much said "she made it through the night, which makes me optimistic I did that so he will see Ive calmed down and also because I feel the need to update him I guess

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Oh, Jenny, I am so sorry you are having to tackle all of this, at once! I am glad your mother is doing better, and I wish her all the best, and a swift and solid recovery. How scary for you and your family, as well!

 

As to your boyfriend - it brings me pause that you mention more than once that you feel this discord is your fault, that you, in fact, bring it on. I do not think this is a fair assessment, to yourself, nor a healthy way to operate in a relationship. He is just as responsible for managing communication in a mutually beneficial way as you are.

 

If you do wish to get back with him, and he is amenable, as well, have you ever tried, or considered, couple's counseling? Perhaps a neutral third party might be able to help you see that these things are not your "fault", as well as offer you more workable, comfortable strategies for speaking to him, especially during stressful times. And he, possibly, might be able to find a better way to communicate his feelings and frustrations to you, in a productive way, instead of simply blowing up and retreating - a behavior which does not serve him, personally, any more than it helps the relationship.

 

I wish you much luck, and good health to your mother!

 

**** Edited to say, if you do decide you truly wish to get back together with him - and if you think the idea of counseling is a good one, that is how I might suggest approaching him, at this point, given his current (and I feel, rather callous, given the circumstances) aloofness. For example, "Hello, I have been thinking about what happened, and I want to explain my perspective and understand yours, and I think it would be an advantage to both of us if we took some measure to make sure we are both heard well, i.e., a therapist" Obviously, this is but the gist of what you might say, but it might be a good place to start, at this moment, with things the way they are.

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I think he's a big jerk for being so mean to you while your mother was having a heart attack!! Can he be any less compassionate? If you don't want to be with someone, at the very least wait a couple days, not while you are sitting in a hospital waiting to see if your mother was going to live or die. Honestly I would not want to be with someone like that.

 

I know you say this relationship is perfect other than his temper, but you can't just exclude this one flaw & pretend it is isolated from the rest of his personality, the rest of the relationship. You know what I mean? It's hard to explain. But his temper is part of the relationship, and therefore your relationship is NOT perfect. It in fact has a major problem.

 

I suppose it you really do want to be with him, counseling would be a good idea. He sounds like a pretty cold & heartless person. His temper is for him to control & not your fault. If he knows he gets like this, it is up to HIM to fix himself, and he has failed to do so. He owes you a huge apology. Even then, I'm not sure I would forgive him.

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Is history going to repeat? I think these circumstances were more extreme and I always catch him when hes angry, which I know is my fault. I provoke him I guess. After what I heard on the phone to his mother I think he may have anger issues. I know it sounds pathetic, but I want him to come back. He makes me so happy, our relationship is perfect (in my eyes) without these blowups, and he has told me I make him happy too.

 

Will history repeat? Yes! Both of you will have to change. You need to be aware of when you are pushing his buttons. He needs to learn how to control himself. And if/when he does blow up, you shouldn't be accommodating.

 

The next point, and Alli mentioned this, your relationship is not perfect. It might be great 99% of the time, but the 1% could be a very bad time.

 

I'm glad that your mother is recovering. Her ordeal should put your 'breakup' in perspective. You nearly lost your mother forever and you are thinking about your boyfriend. Even though you mother is on the path to recovery, it will not be an easy time for her. You only get one mom, and you can't replace her. No matter how 'perfect' your boyfriend is, he is replaceable.

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I have another question.

 

He deactivated his Facebook account 5 months ago (when you do that, your relationship link is broken) because of that I deleted my relationship status and just didnt include it though I had a boyfriend.

 

He reactivated his Facebook last night and deleted his relationship status as well. He didnt put "single" Is that a good sign? When him and his ex broke up, he put single. And when we first went on a date it said single.

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I have another question.

 

He deactivated his Facebook account 5 months ago (when you do that, your relationship link is broken) because of that I deleted my relationship status and just didnt include it though I had a boyfriend.

 

He reactivated his Facebook last night and deleted his relationship status as well. He didnt put "single" Is that a good sign? When him and his ex broke up, he put single. And when we first went on a date it said single.

 

I would reserve judgement until you get to speak with him again.

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So an update:

Alot has happened:

My mother is doing very well! Although now shes had a wakeup call about her lifestyle habits and will have to change. Moral of the story: dont eat fatty foods that much!!

 

Just to reiterate: we broke up last Thursday (the same day my mother had a heart attack). Also, Saturday night I broke my foot.

 

Sunday afternoon I was so anxious over everything thats happened, that I couldnt concentrate. I couldnt make myself eat, probably from all the stress. Its been a long time since Ive been this stressed out. He said he'd call in a week at the end of the horrible convo on Thursday, though he broke up with me, so I wanted to find out. Now, I know this was bad and Ive learned my lesson. This is my first serious boyfriend and it made things worse. I texted him telling him how happy he makes me and why (which he does when we're not fighting. I think a mistake Ive made is I dont really tell him how happy he makes me, though I thought my actions showed it) I thought this would calm him down and not make him angry, since the last big blowup 5 months ago this worked and we got back together but it didnt this time. He said "How many times do I have to tell you! I broke up with you!" (via text of course)

 

A few hours later right before I left to come back to school, (we were on spring break) I spoke with my only friend I feel I can trust (I guess thats why I come to enotalone.com with relationship problems) When I described to her how we fight when we're apart and when we see each other in person, we resolve issues better, she suggested I go to his house and confront him. She said its much harder to face your decision if you see a person you still have feelings for. I actually did this during the fight 5 months ago I described earlier, and it was heart wrenching because thats when he adamantly went "its over its over" but said again he'd call me in a week at the end and we got back together.

Though, this time I thought it would be a bad idea bc: I had recently texted him and made him mad, and I thought he would think Im a stalker or something. But driving to school, I passed his house (5 mins away from mine) and saw his car in the driveway and impulsively decided to do it.

 

I was very surprised. He didnt *act* pissed off or angry or even really upset. I dont think he was really reading my texts, because the first thing he asked is what I did to my foot (I said what happened in the same text I had sent earlier that day) We talked and I told him everything again and what I said in the texts basically. He said "I just wanted a break from the stress" (this actually made me mad though I didnt show it, because he said he "broke up with me" which is a big difference than "a break") I said I would delete my texting plan if we got back together and that we could not talk this week if he wanted. I also told him I was planning on going home again this weekend (thats usually when we hang out, we spend our majority of time together on the weekends) and he could call Sunday night when I return.

He said OK, but that hed "probably call before Sunday" He also hugged me and said Ill talk to you later when I left.

 

This is best for me too, because since spring break was so eventful I got no work done and I have 4 midterms this week.

But is this good? I am not going to break and call him before he calls me. I was thinking when he said ill "probably call before Sunday" that meant later this week, hopefully we will hang out (in the past thats what calling meant, he hates to talk on the phone) because it kills me that we might go more than 2 weeks without seeing each other.

I still feel very anxious. I just have been so stressed out with everything. I know I want to be with him, but I think I may have been transferring my anxiety from various other aspects of my life onto him. By various other aspects, I mean my mother, my schoolwork, and a falling out with a friend I have had recently that hurt me very much.

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I still think he is a big jerk for doing that to you when your mother had a HEART ATTACK. Personally, I would probably wouldn't be able to forgive that. Breaking up is someone's option, but there's a time & place for it & that wasn't it.

 

But it's undoable now. It sounds like he is very adamant that breaking up is what he wants, and sending him unwanted messages & showing up at his door is NOT the way to get him back. What exactly happened in that fight where he broke up with you that day? Someone would have to say some pretty bad things to me in order for me to break up with them when they're mother had a heart attack. So I'm curious why these fights are such a big deal to him and such a small deal to you.

 

Just give him the space he wants. You may not get him back, & there's nothing you can do about that. But pursuing him when he doesn't want to be pursued is definitely NOT going to change his mind. Sorry your going through this. I'm glad your mother sounds like she's doing better. Hopefully your foot heals up quick.

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