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So I met this girl in my USAF tech training, she is 19, I'm 21. When she and I first met I didn't intend our relationship to be any more than temporary. Just someone to feel a connection, emotional and physical, with during a stressful time in both our lives. We started dating two weeks after we met and it was amazing, like we were made for each other. Not long after we began dating she admitted to me that she was falling hard for me and, though entirely unlike me, I found myself dropping my defenses and falling for her as well. Later we began talking about getting married. I was for the idea at first just because of the strength of our feelings but as time went on I found myself having doubts (whether I was ready at 21 to be married, whether we could make it work, things like that) but when I voiced these doubts to her she begged and pleaded and swore up and down that we would make it work, and that we were meant for each other and I once again dropped my defenses and gave myself to her entirely.

 

She wanted to get married before I left tech school, after only dating for two months. Even though I wanted to I didn't want the stigma of such a quick marriage hanging over us forever. At first I proposed we wait until we'd been together for a year, and we went with that plan until it came close to time for me to leave and I just couldn't stand the thought of a year apart from her so we decided we'd let me get to my first base and in process and as soon as I could take leave I'd come back and we'd marry. Just so we could use that short time with no contact with each other to gauge our true feelings. We spent our last night together making love, I just didn't know that it'd be the last time we'd ever do so.

 

I left and went home on leave for two weeks then to my base in Okinawa, Japan. Things went great for the first month. We stayed in contact constantly, and our feelings for each other grew. Then when she got back from Christmas break, the problems started. She started talking to me less and less, slowly over time. It wasn't a sudden drop off, it was gradual. We went through these cycles of being fine, communication drop off to zero for a couple days, emotional blowout on my part or hers, and then an amazing few days, then back to fine and so on and so forth. During one of these cycles she admitted she was scared about marriage, and wanted to finish tech school and go to her first base (which by AF regs she must stay for a year before she can change bases again even if she gets married). This was not okay with me.

 

So we continued these rollercoaster rides, now accompanied by a separate rollercoaster in which she cycled between wanting and not wanting to wait and how long she wanted to wait. This went on until just a week or so ago when we had another falling out and didn't speak for a few days. She called me in the middle of the night and said she was happy and she realized she really wanted to marry me now, so we began setting up a proxy marriage. Then this week we didn't speak for almost the entire week, which was abnormal.

 

Then a couple days ago I just happened to look on her MySpace page and she had changed her status to single and took down the pictures of us together. I immediately had a Chernobyl-esque internal breakdown and called her from work. We spoke on the phone and she explained to me that she just wasn't ready for marriage and didn't know if she ever would be and that she knew marriage was what I wanted so she didn't see any other way.She said she was in love with me and when she thought of us together everything was perfect, and also that the thought of me with another woman in my arms killed her. I told her if she wanted to wait I would wait and that we didn't need to break up (at this point I've fallen so deeply for this girl that she was all I thought of, every decision or choice I made was colored by thoughts of her).

 

At this point she seemed to come around, she began telling me how much she loved me and needed me and that I never should have left tech school without marrying her. I thought we were going to be able to work things out, she was going to call me yesterday on her lunch so we could talk, but never did. I texted her a few times all day, with no response finally I told her that if this was it for us I needed to hear it from her in person, not through texts or Myspace. She replied saying She was sorry, she couldn't. She loves me, and always will, she promises, and shes so sorry for doing this to me. That was the last I heard from her.

 

I don't know how to feel right now. If there had been some concrete and deal breaking reason we were breaking up like infidelity or a change of heart, or one of us found someone else, I could deal with that, I could rationalize, wrap my head around it and write it off, but this has me completely and utterly devastated. There is still love coming from both sides yet we have to break up, it hurts so much because I feel like if I go out looking for someone new I'd be betraying her love, but if I beg and plead for her to come back its just pathetic. I'm lost right now. I'm hollow inside and really don't enjoy life. Sorry for the long post but I needed to get that out. Someone please talk to me.

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been in a pretty similar situation just recently. The girl spent months talking about marriage and all this, I had sort of planned to take a break between the Masters and PhD so we could determine just how serious we were together. In my situation, I'm thinking she scared herself right out of the relationship. I got the "I know it doesn't make sense to you, I have the person I'm so much in love with, but it's not that easy.". I'm sorry, but to me it is that easy. I'm sure it's the same for you. If you have the person you're in love with, and they haven't done anything to destroy that love or trust... then you should be with them.

 

It sounds like she scared herself honestly. My ex told me "at the time we were dating, I was looking for a serious relationship... now I'm not". They may tell you some things that just don't logically make sense, so be prepared. I would go No Contact with her and wait for her to come around a bit. In the mean time, focus on getting what you have going on done.

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yikes! what a rollercoaster relationship!!! i know you don't think so right now, but i think it's a good thing you two did not marry. i don't think either of you is ready to be married now (and she certainly isn't!!!) it is good that she backed out. i think you were right in the first place, that dating for 1 year before getting married was a good idea. i mean, why rush into marriage? granted, you two would be working far away from each other, but if the relationship is good and meant to be, then the distance will just help you pace things.

 

but now what she did just shows how immature she is. one day the marriage is on, the next day it is off. that's not right. you can't marry a person who changes their mind like that. so, i'm glad that things fell through. i would just cut it off for good, and get over her, fast! don't let her mess with your head anymore.

 

and i hate to say it, but reading your story, makes me wonder if there is another man in her life???

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I've heard of romances happening a lot at tech schools/AITs, for exactly the reasons you stated. Your in a new place, new things, want someone close during that stressful time, but an engagement is definitely too soon after only a couple months. It's sort of a roll of the dice if things work out and that's a big gamble. You can get along with almost anyone for a couple months, but it takes years to really get to know a person well enough to decide if you can stay with them forever. That being said, she was WAY too back & forth for such a commitment. If you change your mind on a daily basis, marriage is not a good idea!! Even if she told you on some days "yes lets get married" it's important to use your better judgement & realize that it isn't a good idea just because she wants it today.

 

So how long had you been together up until now? I'm guessing 5 or 6 months??

 

I know it's hard. It's just too whirlwind. She didn't even have the intestinal fortitude to tell you that it was over, she just changed it on myspace!! That is not a mature way to go about a breakup. It sucks for now, but you will eventually heal as time passes. If you keep your distance & don't talk to her, you will probably be feeling close to your normal self in a couple months.

 

I have a friend who married a guy she met in tech school. I think they got married shortly after they were finished. Well, he cheated on her apparently. Even spent some time in prison for arson (just wasn't using his head & did something stupid). They are still married, but I'm sure that hasn't been an easy path for her. They were even supposed to get stationed in Japan, until the arson thing happened. The air force decided he wasn't going to Japan at that point, & since he couldn't, they wouldn't send her, either.

 

I think you both had your doubts that this was too fast to get married. I know the military doesn't make these things easy for you, but getting married in order to get stationed together isn't a good idea. Hope you heal soon.

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Oh no contact is certainly what I'm doing. After she told me it was over and quit responding to me I sent her an email basically saying that I hoped she understood the permanence of what she'd done, and the ramifications that go along with it, and said that I truly and honestly hoped no one she loves as much as I loved her ever does to her what shes done to me. Even if she tried changed her mind and tried to come back to me I don't know that I'd take her. I'm not sure I can forgive what shes done or the way she did it. I know a big part of the way I feel right now is having the door shut on the future we'd planned, but I also know that a big part of it is that I'm in a strange country surrounded by people I don't know and can't understand and pickings are slim in respects to the female population, so I'm not likely to find a rebound. But I'll heal. When your father dies twelve days after your 14th birthday you tend to get over * * * * quick.

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good for you - sounds like you are on the path to healing. i think you're better off single than with her. she is not ready to be a wife. not at all. i think that there's nothing wrong with enjoying being young and single. you'll meet someone in time.

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Haha, I had a chuckle about this after I wrote it so I thought I'd share this with ya'll. Before I left for Japan my ex gave me her ring she always wore on a chain as something of her I could have with me while we were apart. It was special to her so I sent put it in the mail along with her BMT flight T-shirt, all the letters she wrote me while we were together, my half of a heart necklace which she has the other half of, and a photostrip we took at a photo booth at the mall. I wrote her a short letter and put it in with the package. All it said was "Inside the box is your ring and flight T-shirt along with a few things I don't want anymore but just didn't feel right throwing away." I had just bought her an engagement ring a few weeks ago and sent to her, so I continued "And please keep the ring. Do what you want with it but it was meant for you and I have no use for it." Also before I left I wore my favorite Def Leppard shirt for a couple days so that it smelled like me and my cologne (she always loved the way I smelled) and gave it to her so she'd have something of me while we were apart. When I'd finished writing the letter I remember about the shirt and tacked on at the end "...I want my Def Leppard T-shirt back though." When I read the whole thing it just struck me as funny. I wrote this somewhat somber and emotional letter, and then brought the whole thing back down at the end by wanting my Def Leppard T-shirt back. LOL. Keep the expensive diamond ring, just give me back my Def Leppard shirt. Haha, the humor in it almost evened out the pain in reality of what I was doing. Even though I am adamantly keeping up no contact I still miss her terribly...This sucks.

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