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Am I Wrong for saying this.


DelG

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Yesterday me and my fiance had a heart to heart over a few issues in our relationship, nothing major.. Anyway I said to her "You are getting the best of me" I mean in the sense of how much I love her, what I would do for her, the fact I have/would do things for her I have never done or wanted to do for another woman..

So I said "You are getting the best of me and I expect the best back, not all the time but I do expect it" I meant this in all senses, and I also explained that I would hope that my best will get better, and that I promise to try to give my best 100% of the time.

 

But now I am reflecting and I am wondering was that a selfish thing to say?

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No one is perfect. I would add that, when she can't give her best, you will be there for her. That is what marriage is about. Love can bring out the best in people, but it also takes patience and endurance when difficulties arise.

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You know, talking in these kind of generalities like 'giving my best' doesn't really help a relationship, because what each of you thinks is 'the best' might be two totally different things so you can misunderstand each other.

 

You need to talk about specifics rather than make generic promises or statements, i.e., what does giving your best mean? Does it mean you call her when you say you will, pick up your clothes, share chores, etc.? What are the things that you have issues over? Giving your best means agreeing to negotiate and resolve those issues, one by one, and sticking to your commitment.

 

People start to assume their partner can read their mind, as in if you say you are 'giving your best' and your partner assumes 'giving your best' means you never hurt her feelings or automatically clean up after yourself, then she can get angry, when the real problem is she hasn't told you what she expects/wants from you.

 

So don't promise generic things when there is conflict, instead, discuss specifics and resolve them.

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I agree with lavenderdove - you need to be specific about what you mean, or things are likely to go pear-shaped. Unfortunately, many people assume that their partner ought to know what they want and need, without them actually communicating those needs, and then get angry and bitter when those unexpressed wishes aren't fulfilled. This is not a recipe for a rewarding relationship.

 

Other than that, I'd make the observation that if you assume EVERYONE does their best, depending on 'where they're at' and try not to be judgmental about another's efforts - the world is a much less disappointing and frustrating place to be!

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