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Hello, I need some advice about how to handle the current situation I have with my mom. Be warned this is a wall of text, but I really need the help. I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

I am a 19-year-old lesbian who has been in a relationship for 5 years with a girl I love very much. My parents found out about our relationship when I was 15, and they did not handle it well. They pulled me out of high school and transferred me to a different one, refused me access to my phone and female friends at first, avoided the subject like the plague, my father had brief moments where he did physically hurt me, and refused to talk to me.

 

Since that day my girlfriend and I have been together in secret. Her mother "hated" me until just late last year, but now adores me. However, my progress has been stagnant with my parents. I have done everything I possibly can to have them accept me as a person and have never done anything "bad" to speak of. My mother informed me at the start that she thought it was a phase and wouldn't even consider it until I was 25.

 

I love my mother and I could lose the rest of my family as long as I had her but I just can't bring up all my feelings to her. I was able to cope with not having a mother to talk to all my life until this point. It got to the point where I failed an entire semester of college because I was so depressed (just last March actually). I told her I was failing and she said I was the "picture of a depressed person." I actually had hope that for the first time in my tortured years I would actually have my mom back. I was wrong and it only made it hurt that much worse. I poured out that I was so tired of trying to make everyone happy and that I respected my parents and grandparents so much for all they had done but I was becoming so depressed I could barely function. Her response was, "About the gay thing?" all I could do was sob in response. I got an awkward, "Then maybe we can get you in therapy." That was it. It broke me, all these years all I have wanted was my mom and I felt like she had betrayed me again. Needless to say I just rolled over and said it would be a good idea. I am not seeing a therapist nor have I ever.

 

I love my mom and I just want to be able to talk to her again. I want advice from her about life that I haven't gotten since I was 11. I don't want a stranger I want her.

 

I have read books, articles, talked to several people- I know her side. I can understand how she feels about her daughter being a lesbian, but I am just so terrified of changing the way things are that I don't want to bring it up.

I know something has to change because I am becoming horrifically depressed, but she has done so much for my life outside of my homosexuality and she is so stressed that I feel like I should help myself-like always.

 

I am getting to the point where I cannot find meaning in anything. My girlfriend is being supportive (like always) but I want to be open with her. A suppressed relationship like ours can be very stressful and I am lucky to have someone as understanding as she has been, but she is getting tired of it.

 

Any advice is welcome, ask questions and I will answer as best I can. Thank you.

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Has she bought up therapy for the both of you. not sure what to say to you but still want to reply I'm bi and when i came out to my parents they didn't understand and my girlfriends parents shipped her to Ohio and I'm in Florida. My mom came around a few years later some times some tough love works and basically just tell her exactly how you feel if it helps write her a letter. Hope this helps some alittle its hard.

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@jadenrain

 

No, she just wanted me to get therapy. I had hoped she would have suggested it for the two of us, then I might have been fine with it.

Thank you for the reply, it really made me feel better. I am sorry to hear about how your parents handled your situation, but I am glad your mom and you are better.

I have tried to write a letter, but it always comes out angry or accusatory or incoherent. You would think after so long I could manage, but I am powerless against my mother when it comes to nearly any issue.

Tough love though? What do you mean? Just, being frank with her? I just can't find a good time- or I find an excuse to avoid it because I just can't see myself not breaking down into a mess. I know that it can show how upset I am by doing that but I just don't want to stress her out... even though I think that is unavoidable. Again, thanks for your response.

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on the letter part have you tried writing it in pieces like one sentence a day. that way you don't get overly upset, or overly angry. And my tough love yes try to find a way to be frank with her tell her your still her little girl and will always be. Has she met your gf yet? maybe a few small outing with the three of ya'll or the four you your mom her and her mom. Just some thing small this is big for your mom as well so maybe just some easying into it will help. I will try to help as much as I can for you

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My mother is very... quick to anger. She wouldn't be ok with an outing as she would see it as me being pushy. She knows my girlfriend because she used to adore her until she found out. I guess I should try writing a letter in bits and pieces; that seems like the better way to go about it.

Thanks again for your advice.

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I have never heard of that movie actually. I might want to check it out.

She thinks it is sinful. Plus, I know she wouldn't want me to have to deal with all the issues being homosexual brings. It's hard for me to talk to tons of parents with gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, etc. kids and not feel some envy for those kids. I can empathize with my mom because I know she loves me this just isn't what she wanted for her daughter (or herself in some instances). I would love to hear what your mom's advice is. Thank you for asking her.

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Maybe your therapist could suggest to your mom that she have a few sessions of her own to talk about how she could be more helpful in the face of your depression. It's clearly stressful for her and maybe it could help ease her stubborn and outdated views. While it could be stated this is to help her help you, she also sorely needs help to transcend her primitive thinking. It's a marvel you can still be so loving towards your mom, after the way she has treated you. you sound like a loving person and I'm sorry you've had this terrible stress because of your preferences. Good luck.

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I have never heard of that movie actually. I might want to check it out.

She thinks it is sinful. Plus, I know she wouldn't want me to have to deal with all the issues being homosexual brings. It's hard for me to talk to tons of parents with gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, etc. kids and not feel some envy for those kids. I can empathize with my mom because I know she loves me this just isn't what she wanted for her daughter (or herself in some instances). I would love to hear what your mom's advice is. Thank you for asking her.

 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I was lucky enough to have a very supportive mother and my family has been tolerant. I know there are people who don't support me, but they don't tell me to my face.

 

There is a really important movie out there that could save your life and your mother may really change her outlook on having a relationship with you. It is called "For the Bible Tells Me So". Please, please, please rent it, send her a copy, give her a note and tell her how much you love her and that all you need is her love back.

 

You will be okay.. one day she will come around, but if it's not as soon as you'd like it to be, just keep praying for her to open her heart. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

 

Love.

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Please suggest to your mom that you go for counseling together. I know you don't want to upset the apple cart and bring up the fact that you're truly a lesbian, but you're only getting scraps of your mom at this point, anyway. Perhaps counseling can help her to accept you as you are.

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It is time to get away from the mindset that your mother is responsible for your happiness. You are 19 now, you are still young but you are entering your adulthood, and it is you, not even your gf who is responsible for your happiness. Your gf can only complement your happiness, but also can not be responsible for it. Again you are quite right, you are powerless when it comes to any issue with your mother or other people. If you feel you need some professional help, an outside impartial voice could be very helpful. It took years, well over a decade for my parents to come to terms with the fact that I am gay. I am very grateful that I have a good relationship with my folks, but my life wasn't on hold when it wasn't.

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