Everything is good but no sexual spark

[doodman]

Hi there, I've been reading a lot but this is my first post! Great forums! And a lot of info!

 

 

It's hard to keep a long story short like this, but i'll try. About 3 months ago me and my now ex-girlfriend broke up. The main reason being that she said she didn't feel a sexual spark anymore. This all came on so suddenly to me because in my eyes everything was perfect the past 5 years. She tells me every aspect of our relationship is perfect except that one thing. She says I'm a great boyfriend, romantic when I need to be, I'm great in bed when we did have sex, respectful, etc.

 

As of right now, 3 months later, she still calls everyday, visits often, we still do things together, cuddle, even kiss once and a while, it almost feels like half of a relationship even know we technically aren't together. Basically we agreed that we needed time apart so she could think and see if things can get better. Well, I have been waiting 3 months now and nothing significant has changed. I was devistated at first as to how all this could happen but honestly as of the past couple weeks I feel much better and I feel ready to move on if I need to.

 

So I told her that she needs to make a decision within the next couple of weeks, either stay and try it again or we part ways for good. I can't just sit and wait anymore, I want to get on with my life. Now she is devistated by having to make a decision because she says she has no idea what to do, she has talked to some close relatives and friends about the situation and it hasn't helped her lean to any decision.

 

She says her dilemma is she still loves me and doesn't want to lose me, and is afraid she will make the wrong choice. She's afraid she won't find anyone else like me out there. But she also says she thinks sex is an important part in a relationship and she's not sure if she can live in a non-sparking relationship.

 

Am In the right to put a deadline on this? I can't just sit and wait right? I've decided that if she really wants to try and save our relationship then she will try as well, if not then we need to go our own ways.

 

Is sex that important that she is willing to give up everything else that is perfect for us for a better sexual relationship? What would any of you want, a medicore relationship with great sex or a near perfect relationship with no sexual spark? Personally I don't think I can answer that question myself because for me, the spark is still there.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I would rather have great sex and mediocre relationship, but sex is very important to me. She seems like she is the same. A few questions... Did she say why has the spark gone for her? Do you think there are any ways to fix it? Is it possible that she is seeing other guys right now?

[doodman]

I would rather have great sex and mediocre relationship, but sex is very important to me. She seems like she is the same. A few questions... Did she say why has the spark gone for her? Do you think there are any ways to fix it? Is it possible that she is seeing other guys right now?

 

She says she has no idea why the spark is gone, she says I'm a good looking guy and she wishes she could have the spark back. Just before the breakup for a very short time we gave it a chance and spiced up the sex a bit with a few different things. We both said we had the best sex of our entire relationship during that period. Yet she still feels this way.

 

I'm not sure what the actual definition of sexual-spark should be, but when we have had it's been great! Once we do have sex everything is awesome, she just says it's hard for her to get excited to begin with.

 

At the beginning of our breakup I was trying to look for reasons as to why this all happened and of course the possibility of other guys came up, but in the end I have no reason to believe there is anyone else she is seeing.

[simply]

Whats the rush? why force her to make a decision? are you planning on getting married to some woman tomorrow? This is just as important to you as it is to her, you want her to make the right decision don't you? Give her more time.

 

One thing I disagree with, is how she went about dealing with this issue. I don't think she should've just called it off suddenly over something like this. Sex is apart of intimacy, and intimacy is VERY important, so I agree that sex is very important in any relationship, this being why i'm against long distance relationships, no intimacy means no real relationship, but thats another topic.

You two as a couple, should have sat down, and talked about this, find out what she suddenly dislikes about your sex life together, and what you could do as a couple to change that. Thats how she should've of approached this, rather than just calling it off.

Have you talked with her about that?

[Sparkly Eyes]

hmm, hard to say what is wrong here. But I think you should try to move on. What if you give it a shot now and then again a few months/years later she pulls the same thing again? which is VERY possible.

[doodman]

I guess no rush, but I kind of feel trapped into waiting and I don't like it. I believe that something drastic has to be done or nothing will get done at all. 3 months of this and absolutely nothing has come of it, I believe another 3 and another 3 etc. and it will still be the same.

 

I guess she didn't just get up and leave, we did sit down and talk about it seriously many times. We did give it a try for a short period but I don't think it was long enough to give it a serious try. That's why I have been telling her I'm not ready to give up and I want to give it a serious shot to fix things over a fairly good length of time. This isn't going to fix itself in 2 weeks. I'm thinking like 6 months.

 

As for dislikes about our sex life, we've talked about that and she came up with a couple smalls things, like being more rough. So I did that, and it was great, yet she still felt the same.

[doodman]

hmm, hard to say what is wrong here. But I think you should try to move on. What if you give it a shot now and then again a few months/years later she pulls the same thing again? which is VERY possible.

 

Yeah I thought of that, and that's why I've told her that if we do try we need to be honest with each other and after a few months if absolutely no feelings have changed then we just need to move on.

[simply]

Then maybe a break is exactly what she needs. 5 years is a long time, perhaps shes bored, maybe she needs to be on her own, not to say she will go find someone else, she's obviously still in love with you. But giving her space might not be such a bad idea. It could be precisely what she needs for her to realize that you are the one for her, and with you not around will make her want and appreciate you more. Hense, getting the "spark" back. I don't know what the "spark" thing means either..lol.. but i've heard this argument before, and time apart is what fixed it.

[Sparkly Eyes]

How old is she? Was she sexually experienced when she got with you?

[doodman]

Then maybe a break is exactly what she needs. 5 years is a long time, perhaps shes bored, maybe she needs to be on her own, not to say she will go find someone else, she's obviously still in love with you. But giving her space might not be such a bad idea. It could be precisely what she needs for her to realize that you are the one for her, and with you not around will make her want and appreciate you more. Hense, getting the "spark" back. I don't know what the "spark" thing means either..lol.. but i've heard this argument before, and time apart is what fixed it.

 

 

Yep, I think you may be right, I've definitely thought of this before too. And recently I've come to accept that, just another reason why I have told her something needs to be done.

 

 

worriedgirl, she is year younger than me (26). She has had a few boyfriends before me however I am her first. And I already know what you are going to say to that and I have thought it may be the case as well. I flat out asked her before if she felt like she needed to go out and be single and have "fun". She said she sort of wishes she did that when she was younger but now she has no interest in having one night stands or anything of the such.

 

I'm so stumped on our situation, I can't get a single solid answer.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Yep, I think you may be right, I've definitely thought of this before too. And recently I've come to accept that, just another reason why I have told her something needs to be done.

 

 

worriedgirl, she is year younger than me (26). She has had a few boyfriends before me however I am her first. And I already know what you are going to say to that and I have thought it may be the case as well. I flat out asked her before if she felt like she needed to go out and be single and have "fun". She said she sort of wishes she did that when she was younger but now she has no interest in having one night stands or anything of the such.

 

I'm so stumped on our situation, I can't get a single solid answer.

 

This is what she tells you so she doesn't sound like a sl*t. It might be different from what actually is going on in her mind. She apparently really likes you tho, but she is not ready to commit. She probably is wondering what else the world has to offer.

[doodman]

This is what she tells you so she doesn't sound like a sl*t. It might be different from what actually is going on in her mind. She apparently really likes you tho, but she is not ready to commit. She probably is wondering what else the world has to offer.

 

Yes! Out of all the reasons that I have been thinking about they almost always come down to this exact thing. I don't like to admit it to myself sometimes because I know there is a BIG chance that when we part ways she will never come back. But I think you're right. Thank you guys for your input and listening, I will keep this thread updated as much as I can!

[minou]

Let her know this happens in most relationships after 5 years. Most couples don't stay in the honeymoon period. Do you give her messages that you think she is sexy, hot, etc. Often women like validation of that. By rough sex she may have meant more passion on your part. Since you say it's not as important to you, perhaps you have different libidinal levels and may need to work yourself up and realize how much of a priority it is to her. By the way, after 5 years, how come you never got married? Just curious.

[hexaemeron]

This is what she tells you so she doesn't sound like a sl*t. It might be different from what actually is going on in her mind. She apparently really likes you tho, but she is not ready to commit. She probably is wondering what else the world has to offer.

 

Wow. That's a little harsh, isn't it?

[Unity]

I wouldn't want to be with someone that wasn't 100% sure they wanted to be with me. I wouldn't be giving her a deadline, I'd be leaving.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Wow. That's a little harsh, isn't it?

 

Why is it harsh?

[doodman]

Let her know this happens in most relationships after 5 years. Most couples don't stay in the honeymoon period. Do you give her messages that you think she is sexy, hot, etc. Often women like validation of that. By rough sex she may have meant more passion on your part. Since you say it's not as important to you, perhaps you have different libidinal levels and may need to work yourself up and realize how much of a priority it is to her. By the way, after 5 years, how come you never got married? Just curious.

 

I've told her that's the way relationships go most of the time, but she still seems to think its not right. She is hot, and I've always made her feel that way, I'm sure I am fine in that department. As for the rough sex, she was specific in things like more spanking and hair pulling etc. So I'm not sure if she really meant the passion part. We've tried many different things.

 

I'm not sure where I said it wasn't as important to me, maybe I implied it wasn't. I think we both feel the same level of importance.

 

We had always talked marriage and planned to get married someday but we both agreed to get our careers in check before we made that step.

[doodman]

I wouldn't want to be with someone that wasn't 100% sure they wanted to be with me. I wouldn't be giving her a deadline, I'd be leaving.

 

 

I understand that forsure, but I still think there is a chance, and I can't let that go to waste after 5 years.

[TrueFact]

But she also says she thinks sex is an important part in a relationship and she's not sure if she can live in a non-sparking relationship... What would any of you want, a medicore relationship with great sex or a near perfect relationship with no sexual spark? Personally I don't think I can answer that question myself because for me, the spark is still there.

 

Is this for real? Like when she says the sex isn't sparky enough, what does that mean? How do you define a exual spark? Is it some kind of perfection that is not possible to attain?

 

Frankly, my guess is the relationship might not be a great as you think, and this sexual spark thibg is a bit of a cop-out, or way to make you feel guilty or responsible for her own possible reluctance to pursue it.

 

The more I browse these threads, the more I am getting the impression many women have conjured an expectation or notion of sex and relationships that is unrealistic and unattainable by real human beings.

 

To me sex is a part of a relationship, but what really counts is having someone who loves you unconditionally, and will stand by you when you are down, etc. This sounds like a pretty unreasonable condition - sparky sex.

 

Your girfriend sounds like she has a bit of maturing to do. If you feel the relationship is a truly good as you say, then work on it. However, any relationship that hinges on a utopian ideal of sex sounds a bit thin to me. My guess is there may be more to the story here.