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I want out but he won't hear it


Eclipse11

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Hi everyone

 

I have been with my boyfriend for nine months however, from the first day, I was unhappy with him - there were some times I felt really happy but not many. I've known he wasn't really my type from the start however I did not break it off because I always felt too guilty

 

Now however I am feeling better about myself again, I love every aspect of my life and I want to leave this relationship behind and move on into the future - there are countless reasons why I just want to leave

 

This week I said that I did not want to be with him any longer, he didn't seem to accept it though and started to say we could work things out, make plans for the future, how much he loved me, brought flowers, said we would go to a lovely restaurant, phoned and texted incessantly

 

However I still just want to break it off - throughout our relationship he treated me quite badly in some ways, criticising so many things I did and said - it may be also because he resented the fact he loved me more than I loved him, but I was just unhappy for most of the nine months - my christmas day was terrible because he was in a mood, since I brought his present on christmas eve - I'm disorganised, he thought I should have put more thought into it

 

We are supposed to be meeting now at the weekend and I'm going to his place as normal however I don't even want to do it- do I have to be brutal in getting the message accross?

 

I still care about him deeply and don't want to hurt his feelings too badly - he says he will be miserable every day without me ( I assured him he wouldn't ) and he has been badly hurt in the past

 

I don't want to stay any longer though out of pity, obligation or guilt - I've read that these three things are to somebody codependent like a drink is to an alcoholic - besides, this isn't good for him, I'm sure he will just end up getting hurt and it's better that I do this now for his own good

 

He is a good person however I cannot see this going anywhere in the long run

 

Can anyone identify or advise? It'd be appreciated so much

 

Thanks Eclipse

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You can't worry about his begging, pleading, etc. He's going to be heartbroken and you can't change or avoid that. You have to do what's best for you. Tell him it's over, and then go your separate ways (meaning leave from where you are with him). Then delete his number, email, facebook, and whatever other form of contact you have with him. Ignore him trying to contact you. He has to understand that no matter how desperate he is to have you back...that you're not happy and want to move on with your own life without him and that you have no future together.

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If you cant see him in you love life in the future like he can. than i say break it off now, because the longer you stay with him the more you'll hurt him. just tell him how you feel. if he brings you gifts tell him you cant accept it, be nice but not too nice to the point where your just gonna end up giving in to him.and if he does bring up the "we can work it out" tell him what you feel. it may hurt for the first couple weeks but it will pay off in the end.

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Did you tell him that you'll love him forever and never leave him? Or anything that sounds similar to that?

 

I've been in his situation a few times with girls, but I can tell you that it would be a lot easier on me if those girls didn't promise me those things.

 

Most likely outcome: If he resents you now, he'll only resent you more once you dump him. Every time you say "you're such a good friend to me" or "you're so important to me" or anything similar once you're broken up, he'll misinterpret it as him having a chance with you. Once he gets the message that it isn't, he'll resent you every time you say those things.

 

The longer you wait to dump him, and the more "nice" you are to him, the more he'll resent you for pitying him. If you think about it, he's right. It's your actions saying he isn't good enough for you, but at the same time your words say "ohh no, you're good enough, you're such a good friend", the words try to make the actions seem like something they're not. Like they're positive. If you break someone's heart, that's never positive, let me assure you of that, and it's always them not being good enough for you. I don't understand why people have such a hard time admitting that.

 

If I saw you weren't that into me from day one, I would've dumped you instantly. If you were into me, but I noticed you losing interest in me, I'd dump you right away too. I have changed a lot from how I used to be, I used to be like him. I don't see the reason to waste time on a person who isn't that attracted to me. If you aren't into me, get out of my life, that's my motto now.

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Thanks everyone for writing back - even those people who offered fairly negative comments, I was expecting some negative posts, seeing as it is clear from the title that I will be a "dumper" - I'm just trying to be as kind as I can about it, I already feel bad for him...

 

Captain James, AJE07Drew7, xXPiAXx I know, I know, Bluestreak yeah but we come on here for advice and maybe somebody will post back who has been in the same situtatioand can tell me that eventually in the end both people ended up happier which is all I wish for especially for him if I cannot be with him

 

Iakasot no I didn't lead him on and promise him those things...I only ever tell the truth - thank you again everyone...I guess I know the sad answer

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Thanks everyone for writing back - even those people who offered fairly negative comments, I was expecting some negative posts, seeing as it is clear from the title that I will be a "dumper" - I'm just trying to be as kind as I can about it, I already feel bad for him...

 

Captain James, AJE07Drew7, xXPiAXx I know, I know, Bluestreak yeah but we come on here for advice and maybe somebody will post back who has been in the same situtatioand can tell me that eventually in the end both people ended up happier which is all I wish for especially for him if I cannot be with him

 

Iakasot no I didn't lead him on and promise him those things...I only ever tell the truth - thank you again everyone...I guess I know the sad answer

 

That's good, thanks for not leading him on; I appreciate it because I really identify with him. By the way, check my previous post, I've updated it. And please don't try to make the situation seem to him like you're not the bad guy. Don't be nice about it, that's just being the bad guy and trying to hide it too, that's even worse than being a bad guy, because you're still doing the same action. Remember what you said, he wasn't good enough for you from day 1, someone who you could be happy with would be, someone who is your type.

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happier which is all I wish for especially for him if I cannot be with him

 

This will happen, but you have to allow it for him and yourself. You must understand the time involved, which you are currently refusing to do. This is like rocket science, when it comes to love. Believe me, I know too well how you feel. You have to suck it up and allow the change. It really truly does take time and effort, but the pay is well if you act appropriately.

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Thank you very much to you both...I will write more back later - thanks again

 

Eclipse

Yeah, I hope this advice helps, I got more...

 

Try really breaking it down for him like this.

 

Tell him your attraction as a girl is different from his attraction, and you can't feel attracted to certain types of guys. Like tell him to picture a guy saying to him "baby, we can work it out, can't I do something to make you like me and want me sexually?", and say that that's what it's like to you, unless the guy is your type. Then he'll probably say something like "I can change to try and be your type", then you can counter with "would that guy who called you baby and wanted you to want him be able to change to be your type?". Then he could say "but he's a guy and you're a girl", and then you can say "my attraction isn't based on what parts you have in your pants".

 

Apologize for being with him for 9 months without really being attracted to him and you never having potential, and tell him you were young and naive or something (i dunno if you're young to be honest) and hope he can forgive you for making that honest mistake. But also tell him that you can't be friends with him because you don't wanna look at him and feel like a bad person because you're reminded of "oh yeah, i dumped him". That's a way better method to not feel like a bad person than trying to tell him "It's okay, you're a good friend, you mean so much to me" or "I'll always be here for you". That's a NO NO. Don't say what a great friend he is to him. Seriously, I mean it, guys who have been in that situation will back me up on that.

 

I realize this goes against all instincts you have, but trust me on that, if you try to let him down "easy", it will just be harder on him and lead to more resentment. Don't tell him anything nice to feed off of and think he has a chance.

 

Oh yeah, make sure his friends and family know, so they can offer support, tell them not to back away and to try to spend time with him even if he says he's fine. Tell them it's important because he'll feel really depressed. You can't help him by being nice to him, but they can, because he isn't ATTRACTED to them, that attraction is what makes all the difference and you need to understand that. You would continue to be with him if you were attracted to him, but you're breaking up with him because you aren't. He's going to have a hard time because of attraction, and it means you can't be friends. Don't be friends. Let his friends be friends. Resist the temptation to 'check up' on him too.

 

Yeah, that's it for now. Peace.

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i married a guy like this in 1983, he always made me feel guilty, how could i not love some one who loved me so much? i was evil,nasty a lovelovess cold hearted B...

he had no consideration for my feelings.only loved me when i told him i was leaving,then he loved me like i was the only person in the world. total control freak!

eventually i left. 3 young children and i were homeless and in terrible danger from an enraged ego. if he cant accept that you dont love him you have to love you.

think about how he is when you are just being together without telling him you want to leave. how he beheaves then is the truth. him being a different guy when he wants to get his own way is not his normal self.

only you know the truth of your relationship. look at it from a viewpoint when he is not making you feel bad.

have you stayed because he made you feel guilty for not loving him?

have you stayed because this is a healthy relationship that adds joy to your life?

if you stay how will you feel in six months time? more guilt?

if you leave how will you feel in six months time?proberly a little sad but possibily healing?

i wish you well.

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Been in a similar situation, good guy but realised three months later that loving him wasnt going to happen. Tried to be firm but nice with him he interpreted it to mean "we have a chance" and resorted to emotional blackmail (some serious issue I wont get into). When I didnt fall for this, he called me cruel. That was it, I decided to go NC and ask him to do the same. That did not help, he still called me and I resorted to ignoring his calls.

 

There is no winning, you only have to be firm in your decision without being unnecessarily heartless.

 

Your're right, dumpers are often villified. Sometimes people, clouded with their own emotions, do not see that being a dumper can be a necessary "evil" for both parties' happiness.

 

I think you were on a rebound and he fell "victim" of that. There may have been no malice on your side. Unfortunately, that's the chance we take when we get into relationships. There is no gaurantee it'll last forever. Even for those who promise, their intentions might be good as they feel that way at the time. However, I truelly dont believe people should get stuck in unhappy situations because they promised. Maybe they shouldnt make promises about a future they dont know in the first place, and those promised should take those promises witha pinch of salt.

 

Good luck.

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You're not being a bad guy by breaking up with him. If your feelings aren't there, you're doing both of you a favor. He can now find someone who loves him more than you do, and you can move on to find someone who's right for you. I recommend giving at least a few weeks to be available for a few phone conversations because breaking up and then going total NC as the dumper can be cruel. He may have feelings to process. Be firm, but kind.

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I noticed the girls who posted after me gave you advice to be nice. That is a big no no no no no. You being nice is one of the reasons he's attracted to you, and it's a fact that getting over someone you're attracted to is harder than getting over someone you're not attracted to. By being nice and increasing his attraction, you're making it more difficult for him to move on. Trust me, I've been in the situation from the guy's point of view. If I could go back in time and tell my exes to do one thing differently after they dumped me, it's to not be nice under any circumstances, because that just made it more difficult to get over them. Don't make it hard on him, and be careful about all the advice being given that will only make it harder for him to get over you.

 

I just want everyone to understand that I am fully familiar with your soon to be ex's point of view, and I want to share my knowledge and hope it benefits you.

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Thank you so much everybody and I have to say, Iakasot, that your advice is extremely helpful as well since you have been in the very same situation in the past - I'm sure that it will benefit everybody - so much thanks, just what I was looking for...sad thing is, I think that you are right and it'll just make things harder if I try to do this in a nice way. You are spot on as well when you say that he is attracted to me because I am so nice...he said those very words to me the other day, saying he loved the fact I was kind and nice and would never deliberately hurt anyone and children and animals loved me...maybe it'll make it easier for him to get over this if I stop being so "nice" about it...

But to tell the truth I'm still not so sure about him, he is showing me his good side now but one of the reasons I was never happy from the start is that I felt very uncomfortable around him as did other people I knew ( to the extent that I could not even go into his house sometimes ) and he could get very angry, sometimes I would catch him glaring at me for no reason at all, when we first started dating and it was really weird...

 

Trezz, thank you for wishing me well...it may not even just be him, I just want to be single, free and not have to bother feeling guilty about hurting somebody, I have done this all my life and always stayed with people far too long when in fact I was quite miserable with them...I don't want it anymore! I really appreciate you giving me this advice and when I saw your post, I thought, yes the instant I told him I was going to leave, suddenly he did want to go out and take me places and worshipped the ground I walked on whereas before he took me for granted a lot of the time...the relationship really is not that healthy, I can see it but he can't...and there were little things like the fact I got my hair done and he didn't comment, I moved into a new flat, he didn't even say it was nice and seemed to resent doing things or going out of his way at all for me...and yes, I have felt guilty from the start and also angry and hurt some of the time...thanks, I am glad that life is better for you now than it was...

 

Thank you Metafisics...in a way this was similar to a rebound unfortunately - I had very low self-esteem when I met him, now that it is higher and I am recovered from some unfortunate events I'm feeling like I want to start living again and that means not feeling trapped in a relationship that I'm not happy in...

 

Thank you Minou - I will be doing us both a favour in the long run, I think he's more prepared for the "bad" news than he was since I am distancing myself from him

 

I really appreciate all your answers; I'm concluding that the best way to do this is the harsh way, I don't think there is any other way - and for a moment, seeing all these lovely texts, I wanted to change my mind, he is saying he loves me so much and nobody has ever loved me that much before however I'm not so sure I can believe the words, but the truth that I can't deny is, whenever I distance myself or vow to break it off, I get this feeling like I'm being released from prison so I don't really have another option...( I don't want to admit this or any of the other negative things I've said but they are true and I cannot deny it ) - in some ways I love him, he is smart, kind in many ways and very warm but I just don't feel comfortable

 

Thanks Eclipse

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  • 1 month later...

I am following you around, Eclipse, because you could be me! Except I have been in my relationship for 9 years and we I was hugely attracted to my b/f.

 

Everything else is the same as you though - the guilt, the confusion, the not knowing if I am doing the right thing yet feeling "released" when I have broken up with him in the (recent) past. The feeling that his love for me is so deep and strong and that I would be making a terrible mistake throwing that away - that I will never find someone else who loves me like he does.

 

Yet the dread when the weekend comes around and I am going to see him. And I don't know why because now he is bending over backwards to be generous, kind, understanding, loving... you name it. But always with this underlying sense of "walking on eggshells".

 

Sorry to hijack your thread. I was just struck by the similarities and, to be honest, was hoping to gain something from the answers you received too.

 

I hope it works out for you Eclipse. Please feel free to pm me any time.

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You want to be kind? The kindest thing you can do is to be upfront honest and do it as soon as possible. Every day that you pretend that the relationship might work out is just prolonging the agony and fueling the hope for a happy ending. It's also extremely dishonest to be in a relationship while you don't want to be in. The other person feels that and is only getting more co-dependent/ more addicted to this unhealthy state i.e. it will take longer for them to recover and move on.

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