Feeling too much, too soon. How do stop it?

[UserLain]

Meh, night still feels like a drag I miss her. It's not as bad as before but I do.

 

To Clarity: No i haven't met this girl.

[L.Lou]

L. Lou. Thank you very much for your comment. It touches on something that I've been thinking about the past day or two. I really need to display to her (if we end up still talking that is) that we can be flirty and have chemistry without me becoming attached or needy. If she would cut it off into very strict non-flirty friend zone type of vibe out of fear that she would feel burdened then that totally blows the only spark we could have that could ever lead to anything (if it's possible that it can go that way). If she tried to make it that way i'd know it was my fault. If she made things into that strict friend zone type of thing i just wouldn't stick around tho. That's one thing I've learned.

 

Yup..that's where I'M at with mine. She doesn't flirt like she used to..we were pretty sexually charged as well..as far as attraction and a few convos we had about certain things. But NOW, I'll try to flirt and say stuff like we used to and I'll get back a "lol..you dork"...yeah.

 

When we were in the "talking" phase, it was good. I would've gladly been in that phase for months (knowing she is fresh out of a relationship...well, an INTERNET relationship with a guy she never been with in the 9 months of "dating" they did). BUT..she and him still kept in contact. More like him wanting her..until I guess she "cleared their beef", but now as friends. All of the sudden she tells me "We both want the same thing..but she wants to take it really slow..start off as friends first like her parents did..so IF we do get together it'll be awesome and IF NOT we'de still be the best of friends"...after hearing that line..DOOOOWWWWNNHILL from then on.

 

Strict, try not to lead me on through flirting and constant contact like we had, holds back from certain topics, only talking about school and work, hangout every other week dinner and a movie friendzone. Is where I FEEL I'm at..

 

DON'T get to where I'm at lol. Cause now I'm stuck hoping and wishing it'll get back to where it was. And I highly doubt it will..but also. This MAY BE a horrible way to get over someone. But, when I met this one and SHE showed interest in me FIRST, helped me get over my ex. Which I have been STUCK on for lets just say a LONG time. Meeting someone new and giving them attention like you would to the one troubling you always works best for me. But keep in mind to not make the new girl a "rebound". Don't "USE" her to get over the other one..but get to know them more, you may even like her better than the last.

 

The catch is..FINDING that new one lol

[UserLain]

I hope you'll just tell her look, i dig you. But friendship isnt what I'm interested in, I'm a man and your an attractive woman, and I'm gonna TREAT you like a woman, not a buddy. It seems your not interested in that. So I'm gonna go cuz ive tried 'the be friends with a girl you like' thing and it doesnt work for me. and I wouldnt be being authentic to you pretending I'm cool with us being buddies.

 

More gentle than that of course, but thats the gist, to me...

 

Just an update (no need to reply if this is getting annoying, im makin this a little journalesque here, it seems to help)

 

Today i just wanna be like whats up babe, we still talkin or what? Let's chat. and see what she says. The way I feel right now I just wanna be like hey, I wanna talk to you, if you dont want to then alright, but I think I'll be headin off...

 

(not in those exact words, any of it)

 

and then just deleting her from my facebook. I mean if it's ok with her that I jet then why waste any more energy.

 

bleh

 

EDIT: meh, i like her more than she likes me so even if we talked it probably wouldnt be any good for me, Ffff. (

[L.Lou]

Yeah, we've already talked about it. But it's made me into this p**sy of a dude. Bad thing is, I've been in this situation before. You'de think I'd handle it better. Every time we talk (on the phone..which by the way is ALWAYS ME calling) it's always about "how we're not the same anymore"..and it's really made me look bad. She only wants to be friends now..didn't before. But would be hurt if I just deleted her from my Facebook and Myspace etc. I'm so stuck on her, how it was sooooo good one day..then slowed down the next.

 

But your idea sounds good. Hit her up, see how that goes. By this time you'll prob get the idea by what happens. Hope it works though!

 

EDIT: meh, i like her more than she likes me so even if we talked it probably wouldnt be any good for me, Ffff. (

 

That's exactly my thoughts as well. Literally got off the phone maybe 15 mins ago with mine...and it felt sooooooo FAKE! After the usual stupid argument about "us", we tried to loosen up and just TALK...and it couldn't feel more awkward.

[UserLain]

Im actually chatting with her now via text, shootin the shiz, its goin alright. I'll update later

[UserLain]

I'll go quickly over it. That way that i was feeling, being just like "whats up we still talkin or what?" won over, I was sick of D***ing around and wanted to know whats up. and im kind of glad it did. I gave her a call that went to voicemail (i expected it would) and just said "hey..." with a chill positive vibe to it. Don't even recall what i said, but it was very short and sweet, sayin hey we still talkin? or whatever. I kept the vibe of it light tho, not needy.

 

Went out for a butt thinkin that was probly a stupid thing to do. Came back in, there was a text on my phone sayin whats up. I just started talkin to her about random stuff, photography, which she responded enthusiastically to, youtube vids we watched each others suggestions and liked each others stuff. It went well, simple flirtation went on but i didnt go too heavy with that. I'll skip the details of why i know and just say that I know the attraction, vibe and spark is still there and she's open to it. When we said goodnight she mentioned having to go to bed early cuz of tests for school, im guessing she's dealin with alot of that shiz right now. so maybe that had somethin to do with it. This stuff was really all me it seems. She's not that into me, but not that NOT into me either. And she still knows that i have a penis (um, my perhaps vulgar way of saying im not "friend zoned", sorry), yep she's not crazy about me, ok. Do I really need her to be? Not really I guess.

 

Anyway, boiling it down we have a sexual charged, flirtatious friendship. good enough. It's hard for me to tell if she's into me any more than that or not yet, or if its likely she ever will be. We'll see what happens, for now I'm just gonna get over it, which i feel i have done so a fair amount already. (could be wrong) and start lookin for other girls to spark my interest and work on my life.

[L.Lou]

Well...if you at least know that spark and attraction is still there..then you're good.

 

And IS best to just go with the flow. Which is smart to get over it. And seems like it aint that hard for you to do now..which is ALSO good.

 

Now..all I gotta do is do the same. Best of luck to you brother

[Little Blue Ant]

I just read over your story bro, here's my 2 cents. When a girl starts giving mixed signals, or suddenly stops showing the same interest, just let it go. Girls love the chase, yes, but once they know its there anytime they dangle the string then it becomes excessive and clingy when you hound them. I'm in a situation where I've been talking with a girl for nearly 6 months now. We live 5 hours away, so we only see each other a few times a month. But sometimes things were FANTASTIC, then they'd go drab. And I reacted well most of the time, not tripping. However, there have been a few drunken moments where I slipped and as as result, got the message of me being too critical of everything she does/over analyzing which makes her feel like she has to watch what she says or does around me. Not a good sign. Not good at all.

 

So, pay attention to the obvious signs, and ignore the silly little ones. She probably already knows she can get you in a second. After all, you initiate all the convo. The chase stops after a while. If she backs off, back off even further. If she questions WHY you haven't called her, tell her you've been busy with work/school and what not. Don't turn it around and ask her why she was backing off. That minimizes your attempt to pull away further. Don't be cold, don't be curious, don't be suspicious, just be cool. I wish I could have lived by this for the last few months. Well, for the most part I did, but I slipped a few times. Don't slip like I did.

[UserLain]

great advice Little Blue Ant. ugh, i've still initiated some contact with her. i dont know where i left off with this post. tonight i did initiate again and regretted it. i didnt hear a reply, two minutes later she signed off. we HAVE chatted very breifly, but ugh I really hate that i've done it at all. Contacted her at all over these weeks. it's just this problem..I cave....I dont think about this situation all that much, not like i did before. but i still want her around, i still think of her, still miss her. and I still initiate conversation.

 

I was so tempted to write her an email saying "it seems like your not interested in talking to me much anymore. You only talk to me when I....blah, blah, you know... "it's seems like im wasting my time, so I dunno, take care of yourself babe." Said more tactfully and non-issuey than that, and then deleting her. I'm quite sure everyone would say no, no, no, dont! So i've just refrained from doing it, and came here instead. (That sounds so AA)

So my question is, how the h-e-double-hockey-sticks do i deal with these emotions then? if i could just make it go away it wouldnt even matter whether she responds or not, if i just knew how to.....how? ugh, if anyone knows....please tell me

[feejruin]

hey if there was an easy way to deal with these emotions...you could bottle it and you and your descendants would be wealthier than Gates.

 

practical advice: email will be a complete waste of time and a potential mental disaster. whats gonna happen is that you'll send it, she'll never respond, you will eventually freak out and return to the "well, maybe shes just busy" mode and contact her again. At which point she'll be even more freaked out and will pull away more. soon, you'll be the one she blocks. push-pull is a slippery slope and i guarantee you wont realize it until you're too deep to pull yourself back.

 

you train yourself to be strong. keep her on facebook and yahoo and wherever you communicate. train yourself to be MINDFUL of her presence online and to be MINDFUL of what needs to be done. you avoid clinging to others by clinging to yourself.

 

stick with that mindset for a while. it will take a couple weeks to wean yourself of this dependency (yes, i subscribe to the AA theories of addiction) and you will need to find other things to do. but once the withdrawal is over...your mind clears, you wont feel the *compulsive* need to contact her, and if and when she does initiate contact, stay mindful, still - this will help you in building a new, more concrete relationship with her. because right now, i dont think she even believes its a real relationship.

[UserLain]

Well yea, i mean. It's NOT a relationship, there's no reason she should think otherwise. about everything else, yea. I've been really thinking of practicing more mindfulness. In a LOT of different ways. Just for more self-awareness, self-control.

 

Part of me still thinks I just wanna say bye to her and delete her. I dunno..

She just moved to this area like I did and that's something we related on and neither of us made friends here for the good 5 months we've lived here (for different reasons) so we both didn't have friends and she told me how she was making friends and that's when she (not that) slowly stopped contacting me. It just makes me think why should i have this girl around at all. Once she had friends "in real life" she didnt give a crap anymore. Know what I mean?

 

If i did it would make things so much easier, I'd forget about her quickly enough. But on the other hand it's like burning a bridge, I want an opportunity with her if there's one to be had. but i don't want to go chasing some girl either. and the other part of me thinks i dont even want to have anything to do with someone ('anything to do' includes a facebook connection) who just ditches me once she finds some friends. so i'm just stuck in what to do. Your advice is very good. But part of me wonders if i should even bother. I'm just wondering if i'm just compromising some self respect here, and whether it even feels right/good inside to even care about her. Unlike maybe a lot of people i take my friends list relatively seriously and I don't like having people on who don't care much or i don't have some level of friendship with on my lists. She's friendly and cool when we talk, but at the same time I never hear from her now. It's pretty lame

If she doesnt care to speak to me i feel like I shouldn't care to have any "connection" with her. Maybe it deserves more time before a decision like that tho. I dunno

 

oh by the way, when you say mindful of her presence online and what needs to be done what do you mean? why mindful of her presence? and "what needs to be done" are you referring to getting over things?