Feeling too much, too soon. How do stop it?

[UserLain]

Ugh, I dont even have the stamina to write this write now. I just came down with somethign and its late and im feeling sick as hell. But this is just bugging me. Been talkin to this girl online since around valentine's day. everythign was going really well and she seemed like she was really into me, and i was really into her too. Then like, randomly she says "I'm not looking for anything serious" That really shocked me cuz it seemed like she borderline falling in love with me. Anyway problem is, i really like her now. and when we talk she sure acts like she really likes me. But just these past few days she hasnt initated contact with me. It's not a big deal but we have actually talked pretty much every day for the past few weeks so it kinda is a big deal...to me. the first night she didnt contact me i sent her a text sayin what goin on, got no reply and then said "well im goin to bed soon, night baby" (we call each other baby, no wonder im confused about how she feels) still no reply. nothing the next day, nothing today. until she signs on facebook. I wish i never bothered but i said hi to her. she seemed happy to hear from me and theres was a bit of our normal flirtation. then she said she had to go to do her hair for school tomorrow etc. (her usual thing she does at night).

 

So i was like ok no worry gnight etc. like i usually do but some part of me felt like it showed thru that i wasnt as easy about it as i tried to appear. god knows why, i dont even have any evidence to beleilve that. but whatev. I feel like im being Mr. clingy here and its drivin me nuts. afterwords I started missing her and she was still signed on to FB and i said im bored, come have a cig with me before bed (something we often do, on the phone outside our houses smokin) Immediately after I regretted it hardcore. we had

already said our goodnights beforehand, and i had forgotten that she already told me her phones dead. Feel like such a moron, I'm sure I looked like one. Anyway a minute or two after I wrote it she signed off, no reply.

 

F! I hate being like this, feelings developed for her and now i want to turn them off! how do i do it? so i can just not care anymore, ugh I know it's late. But ANY response would be comforting right now, this crap really hurts, i thought we were going somewhere and now im just seeing these signs that we're not, i asked her during the convo if she'll come online tomorow night. she said "i dont know if ill be here I dunno, my full on impression was just that she didnt care much and its becoming all that fake smiley stuff. ANYthing, i could just use some words right now I've messed up a few things, but not TOO bad, i just wanna stop F'ing things up.

[Jd1983]

I'm sorry that you're going through this right now.

 

However, I think the best thing you should do right now is give her some space. After reading your thread, it does seem as though you're coming accross very clingy. This can actually backfire on you, to be honest.

 

I know it's difficult to just let it go, especially after it seems as though she was leading you on.

 

It seems as though she is trying to back away from you.

 

At this point, you need to go NC with her. If she really wants to get in contact with you, she has your number and she knows where to reach you. Easier said than done? Yes, but you have to start somewhere.

 

Hang in there.

[UserLain]

Thank you JD, i remember you from other posts. Yea, I mean the situation would be a lot clearer if i gave a few more details about the good and the bad tahts gone on between us. I haven't screwed up ROYALLY (yet) as far as i can see. But for now I'm too drained to say em all.

Yea I KNOW the clingy can backfire, i know all too well that's why im so upset about it. See the things is, that there are lots of reasons for me to think it could turn into something, but when i say that all i hear in my head is 'dude, wronggg direction' Anyway ill add afew details of why maybe. F! how did this happen? I'm starting to realize i feel al ot more for her than i even want to. we really felt like gf and bf already. Anyway yea, she IS trying to back off it seems. Which would be fine if i just knew how to deal with it/get over it, a little or a lot.

 

You mention me looking for more, its true, but it sucks cuz i wouldve been happy just having a sexual relationship with her, which seemed/still seems plausible. And then these feelings happened and i didnt even want them too. I of course wouldnt complain abou them if she wanted to go that way too because i wouldve liked that, but yea..

 

so i need to get out of this emoitnoally somehow. NC, ugh yes. Any more ideas? I need as many as possible, I dont want to be 'that guy'. My head knows EVERYTHING to do to handle this wisely, but my heart always has more power than my head and it makes me do stupid things even when i know better.

[Jd1983]

Well, you can't help how you feel. It's not wrong at all.

 

I know how difficult it is to get so attached to someone and yet not having it work out the way you want it to.

 

Not saying that this is the best method, but have you thought of giving her some space and having her come to you? I know some people love a challenge and yet when you seem to constantly show her how attached you are, she may feel a bit suffocated.

 

This could possibly be an alternative if you don't want to go NC with her completely.

 

However, keep in mind - she was being upfront with you by letting you know that she was not looking for anything serious, sometimes it's difficult to change a person's mind. Are you willing to take the risk of getting hurt?

 

You mentioned that your mind knows what to do to handle this wisely? This is also a matter of self control. I know you have it.. deep within you.

[MontaEllis]

Have you even met her in person yet? I don't get how people get so connected before they even meet in person. What site did you meet her at?

[UserLain]

Thank you again JD. Yea, I have thought of that. That's what i was thinking with not intitiating contact with her after the 'goodnight baby' email. Tonight is when I caved. Like I said my head knows what to do, but my heart often gets in the way. I know, 2 two days is pathetic, but I'd already gotten used to talking to her every night for the past few weeks. I guess i need to find more resolve somehow. And no, I don't want to take the risk of getting hurt. The fact is if I'm in a place within myself of being able to get hurt and then im already in a place that isnt likely to get me anywhere with her either. I think I want, somehow, to get over it, the attachment, so i can come back to her and be chill and see if it goes anywhere because SHE ends up deciding she wants it to. I do think it's possible. But i need to get over it somehow so i can just be the flirty fun guy again and not be hurt if thats all we ever end up having between us. ugh, I've never really succeeded at doing this before. 100% not having feelings anymore. But this has been such a short lived thing, it seems more likely that i can. And..Self Control, yes. I have more of it now than I used to. So I guess that's encouraging. I don't have quite enough yet tho. As is obvious.

and thank you....I really do need to find it within me somehow.

[Jd1983]

No one is stating that you have to get over it overnight.

 

Slow and steady wins the race.

 

I know it's hard at first, but you have to realize that it's definitely doable.

 

You already know what's right for you, and what you need to do - all you have to do is take the initiative. Just because you have a few setbacks from time to time, doesn't necessarily mean you're a failure.

 

"Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak, sometimes it's means that you are strong enough to let go".

 

Stay strong hun!

[UserLain]

To say a couple things about why things seemed to be going so great she said to me once, "how can you be so perfect?" and I asked her what she meant and she said 'good looking, good personality, funny, sweet, etc.' with a bit of gushing. My heart was melting when she said those words to me. plus that fact that we talked every single night and she started calling me baby (she initiated that). Something must have went wrong. and then oddly after she said she's not looking for anything serious I did bring up us watching "the notebook" together (which we had planned before she said that) and she was all for it. I'm sure you can see why im confused. Maybe it's just trouble, trouble that I don't need. If she really has feelings for me than its some other issue that made her say that. I can think of a few possible ones. But the idea of asking her about that seems like it would be clingy to me now. My gut still tells me she DOES have feelings, but i think im best off not focusing on that

 

EDIT: Just saw your most recent post JD, Thank you SO much

[Siriana]

Oh, sorry you're going through this.

Yeah, she changed her mind about you and now is doing that classic girly thing - ignoring you and reducing contact to give you an idea she is not into you any more.

No wonder you feel clingy and upset. It would upset the hell out of me. Everything is fine and than out of the sudden you get cold treatment. Heh, annoying as hell.

The only thing you can do now is make a decision not to contact her. Seriously, at least to save your pride. It helps to me usually - to remind myself that no matter what happens I still have my pride. Good luck.

[UserLain]

The only thing you can do now is make a decision not to contact her.

 

Yea, that's what I have to do. I have a feeling this isn't over tho. I'm guessing she'll contact me. I think she might just be trying to set a line in the sand like 'this is where I want you in my life'. I guess that's ok as long as i get over it and make some peace with it. It's kinda like that push-pull thing. I would guess she started feeling things were a little too much and now she's pulling back maybe. Ok fine, time for me to pull back even further I guess. I gotta keep working on that.

[Silly Billy]

I am in a very similar situation only I have been with this girl in person for 3 months. Texting mailing every day and seeing eachother most days. She told me the same things, "how can I be so perfect etc....", then all of a sudden, on one of the rare days we both have off together she says she wants some 'me time'. That got us talking, me saying if I have a day off I'd like to spend it with her and she was like, She just wants to take it slow. We are in very different places. I seem to like her a whole lot more So I've totally backed off. Met her last night and said I'll just stay in mine tonight and it seemed to have made her more keen. Trouble is, I feel awful. I feel like I've lost her. I feel like I cant kiss her, ouch her in fear of seeming clingy.

 

Seems like just yesterday we were staring into eachothers eyes all night....

 

LOVE SUCKS!!

[bish0p2004]

Just chalk it up to experience, man. You enjoyed talking with her for a few weeks, now let her go (I would guess that she met someone else who she's probably feeling right now). Anyway, you have to find that resolve in yourself somehow and control your actions. It's tough, but it's within your ability.

 

When you sense someone pulling away from you, you pull away even further.

 

An example in my own life, I've recently started chatting up a girl this past week and we've been talking every night since. She usually texts me before 9, right before I get off of work, and we'll talk while I'm driving home. I got used to this pattern, but last night, she didn't text me or call me before I got off. So, I didn't let it get to me and I didn't text her or call her either (I've let her do all the initiating since we've started talking). 30 minutes later, after I arrive home, she calls me.

 

One more example, my ex still finds me attractive because I was not needy with her. I didn't call her or anything after she started dating someone else. In her words, I was stronger than she thought I was. That's what people find attractive.

 

This is game playing and it sucks (especially when you have no life outside of work and the gym...like me ), but it's what you gotta do at first when you initially start dating someone.

 

On another note, it sounds like you met her online. If this is the case, then you should have scheduled a meet up during the first week you started chatting with her. I can't give you the reasons why this is a good idea, I just know that it works.

[UserLain]

Im sorry im not responding to the many good thoughts that have come up since my last post. I will, i just want to leave an update for now....

 

Im starting to think tonight is the clincher, I mean if i don't hear from her. Weekend nights are the best time for us to talk and when we'd spend the most time doing so. to go from talking pretty much every day to not and then hearing nothing on a weekend night.....which we'll see if i do or not.....would just say plenty.

 

I was sad......Now im just getting F'ing pissed!

 

Like.... 'F you chick, you decide you dont want to talk to much so your way of doing so is just dissappearing on me and leaving me hanging??' I'm really pissed off. I'm trying to hold my tongue tho. hopefully ill succeed, we'll see if i hear from her tonight or tomor. Dunno what the point of this post is, just want to vent. I havent initiated any contact so far. ya know i think someone mentioned it above...

 

Silly Billy

Trouble is, I feel awful. I feel like I've lost her. I feel like I cant kiss her, ouch her in fear of seeming clingy.

 

.....Exactlyyy, I felt so free to express my affection or contact her whenever i felt like and I knew that she'd reciprocate the affection and that she'd be glad to hear from me. Now it's like I'm 'not allowed' in the sense that if i do she'll probably want to talk to me even less. So I have to put it in a damn box. It's just really F'd up. Ya know it's she has the power now because im thinking about behaving in a way that satisfies her (if it does) its 'the game', like someone said. Now i cant contact her when I used to feel so free, and its all in playing up to the game. Now she's in control without even trying to be because my contact would be on her terms, it just doesnt feel too good.

[UserLain]

I feel really tempted to contact her, is it really such a bad idea? I just wanna know what's up, more clearly. I sent her a little teasing coment on a photo on facebook and she didnt respond to it but she "liked" one of my pics. I had just put up a new profile pic tonight of me but she didnt "like" on it, she "liked a pic in my profile pictures album that isn't of me, just this image of a guy standing on a mountain.

 

I've been thinking recently of how she never really initaited contact with me at all, like, almost ever. Besides Her being the one who gave me the facebook add, (she called me about a scooter i was selling and in an email i sent her i had my facebook addy as a sig, she added me) Everything came as far as it did because I talked to her in FB chat....she would respond to my wall comments and we'd have convos on wall, but she NEVER initiated chats, i did every time, it was only after we started talking regularly (which i realized only happened because i initiated it all) that she ever initiated a conversation at all and it was a few times. I'm wondering if she;s just passive, erg, any insight? please...

[UserLain]

Like im really wondering if this is just a bunch of insecurity all in my head, or mostly... her never responding to my goodnight text might not have been a big deal to her at all and she didnt think it was needed, when i talked about smoking outside for all i know she didnt even notice it and X'd out the window, plus facebook chat is always messed up anyway, she went out and did things this weekend, i mean thats not a big deal. maybe this is really just me.

[Jd1983]

Hey hun, sorry you're going through this, but DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT contact her. It is definitely a bad idea.

 

If she hasn't initiated contact with you, then you should not do so with her.

 

I know you're tempted and it's really difficult for you, but if you do so now, you will only be back in square one. You don't realize it now, but each day that you can control yourself, you are actually getting stronger by the minute. Why would you want to give that up?

[UserLain]

Cuz there's a part of me that keeps thinking....well, like i said....i keep just thinking its all in my head and things are all good and she might be glad to hear from as long as she doesnt feel like, ya know. weight from me. She used to tend to sign onto facebook when someone did sumthign on it, ya know like she gets a notification in email and signs on....and i remember her always being signed on at night and me being unsure about whether i should talk to her, but then everytime I did, we'd have a great convo and she'd seem very interested in me. But i literally initiated everythign, like she would initiate nothing but then if i talk to her she'd show how she likes me so much... so its like....maybe she's passive, has a short attention span, or is simply wayy more chill than me. I dunno, it kinda makes sense. I 100% see what you're saying tho, and thanks so much again for replying. Part of me wants to have the air cleared with her so i know whats up, (which is probaly totally a crappy idea unfortunately) another part of me just wants to see if she's happy to spend time talking with me but for some reason won't initiate. I do know that if she's cool with us being chatty/flirty/whatever that she needs to not feel much presure and just be able to have our interactions be schill and enjoyable. I'm just curious if that's possible/where we can be at or no? I just dont know whats up, ughh..

[Jd1983]

At this point in time, you should wait to see if she tries to contact you.

 

Honestly speaking, if she really wants to talk - she will do so. You are thinking far too much into this, weighing the options and trying to justify her actions.

 

I know it's always difficult to try to get over someone, especially when she seemed to have lead you on throughout this whole time. However, you need to realize this is not healthy for you whatsoever.

 

You can't constantly sit there and wonder why she didn't do this or why she didn't do that. You are spending far too much of your time over-analyzing everything and it's starting to take over all your thoughts.

 

Why not take the time out and do something else you enjoy doing? Anything to try to keep her off your mind or is it possible to stay away from facebook for a little while?

[UserLain]

Yea, yr right. I kinda laughed when you asked if it's possible to stay away from facebook. Im sitting here on my bed with a notebook i decided i'd write my thoughts on and the computer bedside. Been telling myself to stop looking at facebook and refocus on the notebook, been doing thast the past hour. Not a new word in the book tonight. I keep peeking back over to facebook.

 

I dunno, analysis can be useless, but i feel like the question of whats up keeps swimming in my head, i think i need to just look at it all rationally and decide what is most likely going on. The fact is she seems rather aloof, tahts why i said short attention span. Like, totally sweet and into me when we talk, yet not feeling very compelled to come to me when we;'re not. But yea, now im tired of anlysing, ugh.

 

I dunno, im at a loss. and brain drain. Part of me so badly just wants to hear her tell me "yes, im phasing you out and plan on not talking to you" or "No ive just been doin stuff but i do miss you, lets talk on __day__" I dont know if she wants a safe/more comfortable distance or 300mile we never talk at all distance.

[Jd1983]

You are definitely over-analyzing again!

 

STOP IT!!!!!

 

Stay away from facebook, it's not helpful in any way.

 

Rather than thinking of what's going on with her, why not write down the things that turn you off about her?

 

I'll start off for you - she never initiates contact!!! There now you can continue from there.. After you're done, I suggest that you continue to look at that list.

 

Never make someone a priority, when you are just an option!!!

[UserLain]

why not write down the things that turn you off about her?

 

I'll start off for you - she never initiates contact!!!

 

LOL, thank you!

 

and thanks for making me smile too

 

 

i'll do my best At the moment... besides that, i find it hard to think of things, but i'll give it a go. as well as try other things to get my mind off it and shift perspective

 

 

 

Ya know I had this whole idea of being mindful about what goes on in my head and what i feel moment to moment, in order be on top of it. Like to notice that...ok I just thought of how good it felt talking with her and because of that now im feeling sadder and more tempted to contact her, when at other times i can feel really good, and it was the memory and missing her thats triggering that and i dont have to let it control me and i can just stay mindful of it and kind of let the sadness pass and get back on focus, etc. Like for example when i started this thread I was in the worst part of this bug I've got at the moment. Was feeling really sick and miserable and i just made me more emotionally raw than normal, as well as the fact that i love being taken care of when im sick. and that just made me sadder. I'ts just an awareness thing I guess. i kind of flubbed that today. But tomorrow is another day.

[Jd1983]

Hang in there and take it one day at a time. There isn't a race to get over someone. You just have to realize that this is what you have to do.. in order to be happy.

 

Look at it this way - can you honestly say that you'll be happy knowing that you always have to wonder how she feels about you?

 

I wouldn't want that to honest. If I was with someone, I would want to know that they wanted to be with me without a shadow of doubt.

 

A relationship is also a two way street, if you were doing all the contact then it was basically just one sided.

 

There are plenty of other fishes out there in the sea, you just have to be patient. For starters, you need to focus on what you have to do now.

 

Stay strong

[L.Lou]

OMG..dude. UserLain..I'm in the SAME boat. Well..WAS in the same boat.

 

I agree with everyone else. No contact. Cut it off..ALSO consider yourself lucky. This happened to me..and I DID become that clingy guy she went out with on a few occasions...and WE'RE STILL COOL. Which tears me up everytime I'm out with her. And we can't flirt like we used to..cause it'll make her think she's leading me on and/or I'll get stuck on her. So..everytime we've hung out..I'VE initiated it. She ONLY texts me now, no more calling. So...don't end up like me dude. Cut that broad off! ASAP

 

I know..it's WAAAAY easier said than done. But..save yourself this pain. Cause dude, it freaking sucks..

[UserLain]

L. Lou. Thank you very much for your comment. It touches on something that I've been thinking about the past day or two. I really need to display to her (if we end up still talking that is) that we can be flirty and have chemistry without me becoming attached or needy. If she would cut it off into very strict non-flirty friend zone type of vibe out of fear that she would feel burdened then that totally blows the only spark we could have that could ever lead to anything (if it's possible that it can go that way). If she tried to make it that way i'd know it was my fault. If she made things into that strict friend zone type of thing i just wouldn't stick around tho. That's one thing I've learned.

 

Part of me thinks hey wouldnt a chill guy just be able to message her and say "hey babe, miss ya, we talkin soon or what? " a chill guy probably wouldnt be tripping about sending a message like that, why should he really? I dunno, i probly wont tho. I just dont like d**king around about things and just wanna be like hey.....if i do that tho, I'll wait a week or so first. (btw our relationship was very sexually charged so a message like that well.....might be alright.) Any i've been prudent and postponed any poosibly bad decisions if i have doubts about them and its served me well so far. I have doubts about this too so yea, ill jjust leave it as an option for the future maybe.

 

Anyway as an update, for some reason I just added a ton of girls on my facebook page. Just randoms that were in some FB groups I'm in, I think i might have done it to get my mind off. It kinda worked, i did some flirting with these girls and had a good time. I also contacted a girl ive liked for awhile and had a short but sweet conversation with her that I ended early because i wasn't feeling all THAT chatty at that point. but it was nice that she showed me some affection. My mind is really off that girl right now. maybe it'll change by tonight, but meh. I hope it doesnt. I really enjoyed chattin with these girls and i don't really want to experience the big downer ive been experiencing thinking about this girl. the past couple hours have been really refreshing

[Clarity]

I know this was asked earlier, but either there wasn't an answer or I missed it. Have you ever met this girl, or any of these other girls?

 

If not, I think this is a dangerous pattern of getting attached to an idea of a person (built through online interactions) rather than an actual person. I would try and limit my amount of online activity, if I were you, and get more real-world interaction. It will make you feel much more confident, less insecure, and leave you over-analyzing things less.