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Give up or hang in?


Pdc

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My bf and I will celebrate 3 years of dating next month. Things were going along quite well until last October.

 

My online penpal hit on me in a very inappropriate way and when I told my bf he was angry at the guy and me for continuing what he called an emotionally intimate relationship even after 1.5 years ago he expressed that he didn't like it. I only saw the penpal as a friend but I knew he always liked me. I was never interested in the penpal; I constantly told him that I just saw him as a friend. Anyway, when my bf expressed his feelings, I took it as a suggestion not a directive.

 

Anyway, the episode occurred just before my bf had to take a major exam for his career. The exam didn't go well. He's been studying to retake it in the next few weeks.

 

Our communication is almost non existent. I text, email, call and get no response for days. He has told me his focus has to be on studying and working but I think he's punishing me. he has said he's better about the situation than before but it will take time to heal. I acknowledge this, but I wonder if I'm holding on for nothing.

 

Will he ever see me the same or be willing to be with me completely? Should I hang in or give up. Any advice or feedback would be appreciated.

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Oh wow... One thing i can't stand is when a guy over reacts like that... If hes still pushing you away over something like that whats he gonna do in the long run with other things? Jealous (sp) guys like that suck. im sorry hon. Id say move on... But follow your heart.

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Well, I can see him being upset, I'm assuming you're going to seize contact with this penpal? It doesn't sound like a very healthy penpal at this point.

 

He also needs to understand and realize if there was anything going on between you and your penpal, you wouldn't even have told him this incident. Obviously he's upset because this guy was hitting on you but he's overreacting a bit. Nor he should punish you for your good intentions.

 

You should definitely give up the penpal but talk to your b/f when you get a chance next time.

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Thanks to both of you.

 

Btw I ended the penpal friendship immediately after I told the bf and haven't been in contact since. I think my bf overreacted too, but he thinks I broke his trust. I maintained the penpal relationship because my penpal was always supportive and there for me through a previous break-up.

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I'm not so sure he's overreacting. Your boyfriend, who is long-distance, told you how he felt about the penpal 1.5 years ago. You said you knew the pp liked you as more than a friend. So, your bf had reason to be uncomfortable with the relationship. You are long distance, which is a stress in and of itself, and you didn't respect your relationship enough to take his concern seriously. Have you tried to see how this has made him feel?

 

How would you feel if the tables were turned?

 

Imagine him communicating with a woman, who he knew liked him as more than a friend. Would this not bother you at all?

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If this has been going on since October, I'm not sure if things are going to get any better - it's almost 6 months... Have I got the times wrong here, it isn't clear in your post.

 

For a start, if you know that your penpal has a crush on you and you have a boyfriend, why keep talking to him? In some ways, by saying I just want to be friends but continuing to write to him, you are sending him different messages. I think it comes down to the difference in how guys and girls feel about being friends with each other. If he has had a crush on you, it is not going to stop because you have a boyfriend, because you tell him you consider him just a friend. If you keep writing to him, he will still be hoping that one day things are going to change. He is hanging onto that.

 

 

There isn't an issue in my mind keeping friends of the opposite sex, it's healthy, but having ones that will hit on you at every occasion isn't so healthy...

 

Your b/f is feeling emotionally cheated by your actions and is currently stressed because of his study regime. Give it time and talk to him when he is not so stressed. State your case and hope he can accept things from your view. And get rid of the penpal...

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FrenchFries, you make good points both of which my bf reiterates. I admit that I broke his trust and hurt him. If the tables were turned I wouldn't like it.

 

I guess, I just wonder if it's worth trying to salvage. I've tried to give him space to heal and study. I feels like we're not in a relationship at all. Maybe if I got more indications then I could hold on but I fear waiting only to end up breaking up anyway.

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I have to agree with the poster above, I don't think your boyfriend overreacted at all. He has every reason to feel the way he does. If you knew this penpal liked you more than a friend you should have immediately cut all contact.

 

I am of the opinion that when you are in a relationship there should be no "penpal's" of the opposite sex. In many ways it is an intimate relationship that I can't imagine any partner being happy with.

 

Penpal's usually share a lot of details about their lives, I'd be okay if my partner shared those details with a friend but not someone through a letter/email only relationship, especially if you have never met your penpal.

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When is his next exam? I say let him get through that and see if things change. Don't be pushy or try to keep harping on the subject right now.

 

If the exam comes and goes and he continues to be distant, it's definitely time to have the talk about where the relationship is going and if he can forgive you and move past the incident.

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