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Something I can not seem to get past


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When my little Liam was born, as a lot of you know he miscarried at 16 weeks. He was actually born into my hand, but at the second it happened I did not realise it was him. I was hysterical and had 2 ivs and there was blood everywhere pouring into my socks. I thought it was just another blood clot as I had passed a few hand sized ones. I "caught" him instinctively, but I did not know why cause I did not know it was actually him. I remember running for the hospital bed screaming.....get it off get it off and shaking my hand onto the bed. After I found out it was my baby I had done that to. This still grieves my heart most immensely. I wonder how I could have done that, but realistically I did not know it was him. I still get flash backs of it now and again and it is hard to get past, even though I know I did nothing wrong and I was hysterical and he had passed away before he was born.

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i am so sorry. that must be a terrible memory, difficult to bear. i don't know - i think you just have to forgive yourself. you did nothing wrong, i think you reacted as anyone would if they saw what you saw. i would be shocked as well. i don't know what to tell you. did you have a funeral or some kind of memorial for him? even though he had a short life.

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i am so sorry. that must be a terrible memory, difficult to bear. i don't know - i think you just have to forgive yourself. you did nothing wrong, i think you reacted as anyone would if they saw what you saw. i would be shocked as well. i don't know what to tell you. did you have a funeral or some kind of memorial for him? even though he had a short life.

 

Yes, we had a funeral a month after he died.( no body of course) I know I am being unrealistic about it. Maybe it is reacting to the trauma of it. The whole thing was a big traumatic mess and handled badly by the hospital. Maybe I have an unrealistic expectation of myself that I should have known it was him.

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how could you have known it was him? it is not something anyone could expect. like you said, many times, women pass clots that are large so it probably wasn't something you would have thought of in that instant. i'm sorry that the hospital didn't treat you guys better.

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It is just so strange that I had an instaneous reaction to catch THAT particular "clot" and not the others. Like some part of me knew it was him and yet I still reacted with terror and trying to get it off me. I mean what kind of person does that??

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i too am so sorry. but instead of the pain, instead of the guilt, maybe you can remember that you instinctively caught him, your little one, and held him, giving him the chance to feel your warm touch...

 

Yes, Ellie I am SO thankful I caught him and saved him the indignity of a toilet to land into.

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It is just so strange that I had an instaneous reaction to catch THAT particular "clot" and not the others. Like some part of me knew it was him and yet I still reacted with terror and trying to get it off me. I mean what kind of person does that??

 

I was just thinking before I read that, one way forward might be to focus on the fact that you knew that one WAS him.

 

I'd put the rest down to sheer panic and terror at the whole experience.

 

Have you tried just going somewhere quiet and explaining to Liam? And saying you are really sorry, of course you didn't realise it was him, and what you were trying to shake off was his death, not him...?

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I was just thinking before I read that, one way forward might be to focus on the fact that you knew that one WAS him.

 

I'd put the rest down to sheer panic and terror at the whole experience.

 

Have you tried just going somewhere quiet and explaining to Liam? And saying you are really sorry, of course you didn't realise it was him, and what you were trying to shake off was his death, not him...?

 

I have not got that far yet. I have been to his grave place about 4 times but I can only stay for a few minutes. This is the last part I have to shake off in guilt but it seems the hardest. I mean I know I was no way responsible for his loss I know that, but it is so hard in the face of things. I think it is building up because it is getting closer to time he passed on.

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I am ever so sorry for your loss. Please accept my deepest condolences. I cannot imagine your pain.

 

I thought what Ellie said was a beautiful insight into what happened and to expand on it - perhaps what you are feeling now, what you cannot get past, is not actually guilt, but some primal, private, maternal manifestation of your love for this little soul, to remember him, to honor him, to bring him into a consciousness he tragically never knew.

 

You have every right to your feelings, whatever they may be, but please do not torment yourself - your family, including precious little Liam, would not want that, and you deserve better.

 

Take care.

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I am ever so sorry for your loss. Please accept my deepest condolences. I cannot imagine your pain.

 

I thought what Ellie said was a beautiful insight into what happened and to expand on it - perhaps what you are feeling now, what you cannot get past, is not actually guilt, but some primal, private, maternal manifestation of your love for this little soul, to remember him, to honor him, to bring him into a consciousness he tragically never knew.

 

You have every right to your feelings, whatever they may be, but please do not torment yourself - your family, including precious little Liam, would not want that, and you deserve better.

 

Take care.

 

For sure.Most of the time I am good now. ( he has been gone a few years now) I think cause it is coming closer to the time he left the world and we are moving and will be leaving him behind in a sense.

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It is quite very okay to not be good, as well, as I am sure you know. And when you are not feeling so good, we will be here for you, to listen to you, no matter how many years pass, and to honor Liam in our thoughts.

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It is quite very okay to not be good, as well, as I am sure you know. And when you are not feeling so good, we will be here for you, to listen to you, no matter how many years pass, and to honor Liam in our thoughts.

 

So nice of you.

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It is my distinct pleasure. From what I have read of your posts, you do a great deal to support and advise others; of course you are cared for, in turn.

 

There is an one-for-all-and-all-for-one mentality about this site that I am in awe of and entirely enamored with.

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It is my distinct pleasure. From what I have read of your posts, you do a great deal to support and advise others; of course you are cared for, in turn.

 

There is an one-for-all-and-all-for-one mentality about this site that I am in awe of and entirely enamored with.

 

ohhhh now I am blushing. Thank you so much.

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Victoria,

 

If your Liam was that small and was mistaken for a clot, there is no way on earth he would have been ok, no matter what you did. You know that, I'm sure. I would have wanted that off my hands too, a reaction to blood is just human. You were in shock to begin with, so you are not responsible for anything. You were supposed to be in the care of specialists, and they neglected you.

 

It's good you have come far enough to get this out.

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Victoria,

 

If your Liam was that small and was mistaken for a clot, there is no way on earth he would have been ok, no matter what you did. You know that, I'm sure. I would have wanted that off my hands too, a reaction to blood is just human. You were in shock to begin with, so you are not responsible for anything. You were supposed to be in the care of specialists, and they neglected you.

 

It's good you have come far enough to get this out.

 

I know you are right Miss F. Yes he was small, only as long as my hand from head to toes. Yes, I was in shock and hysterical.

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