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Don't Really Get What is Going On...


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Okay... so lemme get to the point... or what I think is the point.

 

I kinda had a friendship/relationship with this girl and we had plans for the future. We broke up in the beginning of December, but we had been on a 1 month break all of November. That was because we had had a fight, and we talked about it, I said that I was being way too insecure, was not fair on her for me to treat her like that, that she did not deserve it and that I wanted some time apart to work on it on my own.

 

We talked after that month, and broke up, pretty mutual, but I consider her as the dumper, and she does as well.

 

We had some contact about 1 week ago (e-mails, I e-mailed first), mostly remembering old times and both of us apologized for somethings. She for hurting, me for hurting her, etc. I replied to her e-mail and said some very dumb things that I know I am a great guy, and that she will regret what she lost, and that I was kinda too good for her, this I said out of pride and a hurt ego. She obviously got pissed off, I later apologized explained that I said it out of a hurt ego, etc, she said that she accepts my apologies and that she is sorry for having hurt me.

 

 

With the background out of the way.

 

Since all that stuff that happened, I have been in a very weird mood. First of all I feel like an idiot for having said what I said to her. But what troubles me most right now is that I should NOT care about it, but I DO!. I mean, I had decided that I do not want her back, and that I had nothing to lose.

 

But damn it now after this whole exchange I feel like I want her back again, and it is just so stupid. I keep feeling like contacting her again, and saying sorry to her again for what I said and checking with her if she is okay... i feel guilty.. because I know she got hurt over what I said. Also she was sick this past week, and this only made me want to contact her even more to wish her to get better or something... Like, she had told me she wanted to be friends, and I also wanted that, but now after this whole idiotic thing that happened, she said that it is probably not a good idea.

 

I do not understand why I am thinking this way. Why I want to be friends with her, why I want to give this a chance again in the future. It makes no sense to me. I miss her so much right now...

 

This is all so stupid... and I keep like trying to find someone to talk to about this. I am pretty good friends with her mother, and like... I keep wishing I could talk to her mother about this, but no way to go about it, without my ex noticing. Sucks to have a friend that possibly would be the most helpful friend in the situation... but you can't really have access to anymore...

 

 

Anyway, now I am just rambling about. I never thought that having that interaction with her would send me all the way back here where I am. Missing her, wanting to get back together, wanting to be friends, caring about how she is feeling... this is retarded...

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I e-mailed, here is what I sent:

 

Hey,

 

Hmmm first of all how you feeling? Your mom told me that you were feeling really sick this past Sunday, and I wanted to check on you, but I felt that I would just make you feel worse, because of what happened last week, so I decided to leave you alone.

 

Have you given that video I sent you a look? It is really good lol, takes forever to load, but its great. I know it looks kinda dark in the beginning but it is not scary or about terror at all.

 

 

I am kinda worried that you might not want to like you know... e-mail back and forth like friends like this, and it really is up to you, I want to be friends with you. I know I said stupid things, and that I hurt you. I still feel soo guilty...

 

Well I really just wanted to see how you feeling, and to wish you to get better. Have a good week. C ya tomorrow

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