I'm being harassed, what should I do?

[CaptainNapalm]

My now ex and I began to have significant problems in our relationship back in June of 2009. Shortly after I left the relationship because I truly felt as if I was deteriorating as a person in it. I told her to stop contacting me and learn to move on but she continued to call/email/text/IM me numerous times per day and eventually (few weeks later) got me to come back to her.

 

We stayed together for about a month but I still didn't feel the relationship was working out and I was just getting more miserable in it so I left again. She didn't take this very well and despite my numerous attempts telling her to not contact me she was calling me and my family home daily trying to get me to answer questions and persuade me to come back in any way she can.

 

Well it's been a few of months and she is still relentlessly contacting me like no tomorrow. From phone calls, to emails at work, to text messages. For the past few months I've been more than attentive in answering all her questions and why I don't see this relationship fit at the time but it seems like it's never enough. She promises she'll stop contacting me but it never happens and she always finds a reason to get a hold of me. I told her I'll change my phone number and email if she continues to do this but every day she swears that from this day she'll stop and only contact me in emergencies.

 

Well from what she says she has gotten into two car accidents in the past month all which she told me were a just reason to call me so that I can be there for her. For example, last time (a week ago) when I made it very clear that if she contact me again unless it's an emergency my numbers will change without notice she contacts me a day later frantically that she just got into a car accident and if I care I would be there for her. Thing is, I'd like to be there for her but it's just that there is always something that comes up where she has an excuse to go on a flurry contacting me, almost daily. Today for example, all night and all day I'm getting phone calls and emails to my work because she found that I put my profile up on facebook again and added two of my ex's (we'll not really ex's just some girls I casually dated a long time ago and never even slept with). As we speak she is on a rampage trying to contact me and feels cheated by this.

 

I really don't know what to do at this point. I don't have an interest to date other girls and I told her this but I also made it very clear that I don't want a relationship now. For the past few months I must have answered her same questions about 100 times. I really don't want to go through the effort of changing my numbers, work email, email, family home phone, all because she can't stop harassing me and in an event she has a real emergency I would like for her to be able to get a hold of me. What do you guys think? Should I change my contact information and make sure she doesn't have a means of contacting me? It's not like she can show up on my doorstep because currently she lives a 20 hour plane ride awa. I feel I'm getting so depressed over this. Any advice would be most welcome my fellow friends.

[metrogirl]

You aren't obligated to answer your phone or your emails. If you seriously don't want any contact with her and you aren't willing to go through the hassle of changing your number, then you simply don't respond to the calls or texts. If you see an email from her, you delete it right away.

 

She contacts you relentlessly because she knows that you will always respond.

[livelarge]

I had a guy who would frantically contact me. He was like that in the relationship and even more so when it ended. I stopped answering the phone. I just stopped. It took him a long time before he stopped calling, but he eventually did. When we were on friendly terms again, I asked him why and he said, "If you are not going to answer, why should I call?" Conditioning works, it just takes longer with some people than others.

[abitbroken]

Does she have family? Parents? Siblings? Unless she is an orphan with no extended family, she does NOT need to contact you in case of an emergency and even in that case there is 911. In some ways, you set a boundary by telling her the circumstances that she can contact you under and she is following it - but I would suggest you switch it up. I would go "no contact" with her. I may even go as far to contact a friend or a family member of hers if you feel her behavior is destructive - if you feel she is crashing her car just to talk to you. People go through bad streaks. I went through two car accidents back to back and then I never had one ever again - and they were true accidents. If you did, it would have to be short and sweet - but you might not know if those folks are enablers so maybe it would be fruitless.

 

The best thing may be to go no contact - but to clarify first perhaps to call 911 or call a relative if she is an emergency rather than you.

 

But I do agree with others - just don't answer her back. Unless you feel she is about to really injure herself and then alert someone who cares about her but don't contact her anymore

[hexaemeron]

Cap, it's time to change the numbers and your email and your IMs, and even go to the police and have a no contact order placed.

 

I wouldn't mess with this. That kind of Fatal Attraction bs has to be put down. STAT.

[FarthestEdge]

I agree. Get caller ID and don't answer her calls, if she's a 20 hr plane ride away, then you should be able to recognize any number she may use. Block any numbers she uses, if you can.

 

Don't engage with her at all. Even in an emergency, what can you do, being a 20 hr plane ride away? Surely there are others who can help her. Don't listen to her voicemails, set your e-mail filter to put her mail in your junk e-mail, and even set up an autoreply informing her that you have blocked her e-mail and e-mails from that address are being deleted without being read.

 

It will take time, but I agree that by talking to her, you are allowing her behavior to be rewarded, so it will continue. She's only listening to the sound of your voice anyway, not the words you say. If she IS listening to the words, it's only so she can over-analyse them and pick them apart to find "hidden meaning" that proves you still love her.

 

And don't tell her you aren't interested in dating others. You are no longer with her, your romantic life is NOT her business and NOT subject to her approval. In fact, telling her this only reinforces to her that you will get back together.

 

I know someone who had to do this with his now ex-wife. He screened all his calls for a few months, and eventually, he learned to disengage himself from debating with her, and explaining himself (which never did any good anyhow). Eventually, she got tired of being ignored, and stopped calling & e-mailing.

 

Hope something in here helps.

 

FE

[HeartGoesOn]

I may be way off base here, but it seems like you're trying to keep her in your life in some small way, but at a distance. Otherwise, if you absolutely wanted nothing to do with her, you would not accept any form of communication from her.

 

This will continue as long as you allow to, but if you're completely honest with yourself, you'll come to an solution.

[CaptainNapalm]

I may be way off base here, but it seems like you're trying to keep her in your life in some small way, but at a distance. Otherwise, if you absolutely wanted nothing to do with her, you would not accept any form of communication from her.

 

This will continue as long as you allow to, but if you're completely honest with yourself, you'll come to an solution.

 

It's difficult to ignore someone as a diligent person when you get a text from them saying: My cousin just died or I just totalled my car and am shaking, or I'm going to the doctor they say I might have cancer, or I'm going to kill myself

[CaptainNapalm]

I filed a police report already after she hacked into my email the second time after we broke up. Unfortunately, they won't do anything to someone from another country.

[metrogirl]

It's difficult to ignore someone as a diligent person when you get a text from them saying: My cousin just died or I just totalled my car and am shaking, or I'm going to the doctor they say I might have cancer, or I'm going to kill myself

 

But you do see that these are ruses to get you to talk right?

 

And there will be 100's more if you continue to allow it. Seriously, if you are a 20 hour plane ride away, what could you do for her if she was in a car accident anyway? She sounds like the girl that cried wolf.

[jazzykat]

Instead of telling her to stop contacting you, just ignore her, she keeps contacting because she is getting some form of response.

[FarthestEdge]

But you do see that these are ruses to get you to talk right?

 

And there will be 100's more if you continue to allow it. Seriously, if you are a 20 hour plane ride away, what could you do for her if she was in a car accident anyway? She sounds like the girl that cried wolf.

 

Exactly.

 

She's making it up.

 

My friend's ex morphed an irregular gyno test into "I've got cervical cancer and I am going to die in 6 months"...3 years later, she's still here, no cancer.

 

You can't confirm or refute her stories, and even if you could, there's nothing you can do from here. She's hoping to find the drama that will scare you into realizing how much you love her, as you rush to her side, agonizing the whole 20 plane ride...when you get there, there'd be SOME BS story to say "Oops! false alarm, but look! You DO love me"

 

Ignore, block, delete.

 

Or change all your numbers/facebook/etc.

 

but stop feeding her fantasies that you will come running.....

[HeartGoesOn]

It's difficult to ignore someone as a diligent person when you get a text from them saying: My cousin just died or I just totalled my car and am shaking, or I'm going to the doctor they say I might have cancer, or I'm going to kill myself

 

My post was not meant to sound harsh. She knows how to push your buttons, and knows she'll get a rise out of you, but the only person that can stop that is you. You can't control her behaviour, but you can control yours by choosing to not respond.

 

I still get the feeling that in some way you're holding on, and this is not meant to sound mean.

[DylanNotorious]

I would change all my contact details. She isn't listning to your wishes, and she sounds too unstable.

 

Nobody has that much misfortune happening to them, it's time to let her go.

[LAYAAN]

I filed a police report already after she hacked into my email the second time after we broke up. Unfortunately, they won't do anything to someone from another country.

Listen, I have exact same problem as you do.

My ex lives in UK. He got into my email account.

So, this is what I did. Not only did I block his ID, I also created a new ID and emailed all my friends and family from that. I deleted that old ID.

I can completely understand your situation. My ex is married for 2 yrs, has a kid, but won't stop contacting me. I don't know what to do. Same thing like yours, the police can't do anything.

What you can do is find out if your computer is also hacked. Its illegal to hack into anyone's computer. You can get an arrest warrent for this person.