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how do I make this right....


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Me and my girlfriend have been together for about 5 months and I could not be happier with her. I know without any doubt that she is the one that I will marry and be with foreve. Yeah I know it seems soon but I'm not looking for any advice on that front I'm just giving background.

 

Recently a couple of my exes initiated contact with me and it has really upset my girlfriend. Admittedly I probably did not handle the situation as well as I could have, I have been told that I hold peoples opinions of me too highly. I told one that I didn't want to hear from her again, as she said some rude things about my s.o. And I didn't see any reason for her to be like that vso I have "cut her off" completely. Another said that she missed me and I for some reason I felt the need to probe further and find out why. It clearly hurt my girlfriend so I spent two days on damage control and was able to finally get us to move past it.

 

Last night a different one called me and I answered the phone saying I was with my girlfriend and that I shouldn't be talking to her. She texted me informing me that I was being a jerk and that she just wanted to share good news. I responded asking her what the news was and she chose not to tell me. I was prepared to just let it go but my girlfriend texted her back saying that it was inappropriate for us to be talking while I am with my girlfriend which I agree with.

 

The thing is I now feel I am being punished by M for something I had no control over. I understand that she is upset that another ex contacted me but I can't make it so that they forget I exist. I even went so far to sincerely offer to change my phone number. I don't care if they contact me again, honestly. I'm not sure if I made any sense here or what exactly I'm asking but I just need to know what course of action can be taken to prevent this situation from repeating itself.

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I understand your girlfriends feelings. I would be upset if my boyfriend was interested in why an ex missed him. I believe an ex is alot different than a platonic friend you've had for years.

 

However she has to be reasonable as well. You could change your number and they may still contact you in other ways facebook, myspace, etc. I would be more worried about how you handled the situation. You told them you had a girlfriend and shouldn't be talking to them, I would be happy with that.

 

I would sit down with her and ask her how she thinks these situations are best handled. Tell her you have no interests in them and that you can try to prevent them from contacting you, but you can't promise they won't, If they should contact me how should I handle this.

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Next time an ex pops up, keep your girlfriend in the loop. This is true of most things that may cause problems. Her finding out on her own or later will make it much more suspicious/worse. Just tell her in a respectful way that lets her know where your loyalty stands.

 

"So and so contacted me today, she was acting weird."

"My ex said some really mean things to me, I'm going to stop talking to her. She has no respect".

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I agree whole heartedly with Cog Can. Keep her in the loop, communicate with her. Let her know through your actions that she is more important than the exes. This doesn't mean you have to completely cut out the exes (unless they are actually pursuing you, or you are tempted). But if you aren't trying to hide anything from her she should be OK.

 

She has to know that she can trust you to have her back no matter what.

 

Simple.

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She knows when the contact occurs because it seems they know when I'm with her and choose then to contact me lol!!!

 

I have no secrets from her. And will never keep things from her as that makes for reltionship poison. She means the world to me and these exes are exes for a reason. I think the thing that bugs me the most is she has tried to convince herself she is not a jealous person but she is, and that's fine with me I have no issue with jealousy to me its anoter way to of showing you care. I'm aware that's an odd way of looking at it. I wish there was just a way we could both admit we have these feeling and move on.

 

I'm a very easy going guy and I let stuff just roll off my back. I wish she could be more like that but I know she can't and I love her for that.

 

How screwed is my thought process?

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I think all of this needs to be looked at with perspective and an understanding of human nature. I can't imagine many people who would not want to know what news it was that an ex wanted to tell them. Simple human curiosity is the reason and there should be some understanding of that. Your girlfriend needs to be completely self-aware and be able to say with complete honesty that she would not want to know under similar circumstances before she gets annoyed with you - and even then she should show some understanding.

 

What is important in situations like this is not that ex's call or even that you answer - it's a question of what your feelings are towards them and whether your girlfriend should feel threatened by those feelings.

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I agree with DN that you should be able to talk to exes sporadically with innocent intentions. Cutting your exes out of your life and avoiding them will not fix the problem, it just prevents it from being an issue for the time being. The jealousy is still there, it just doesn't have a situation to pop up in.

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All I can say is that we only control our own actions. I am sure I would be upset if my husband's ex gf's contacted him, and it has happened before at the beginning of our relationship, one his ex's followed him everywhere at university. Everytime I was not with him she was there like a little rat. When she would see me she would scuttle away.If she had plantoic intentions she would not have been running away when I showed up. So I asked him why she kept showing up. He said, she is just being a friend that is all. I decided to just let it go. I can only control myself. As it turned out she got pretty bored of being just a friend and went on with her life in short order which proved to me he was not too interested in her. I guess all you can say is, I appreciated what we had before and I am happy for whatever is in your life, but I have a gf and would you please not contact me.

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Thank you all for everything you've said. Its really helping me out with this.

 

I love her deeply and I know that she trusts me explicitly, as I do her and I know we will work past this I know that this will only make us stronger.

 

Every challenge you overcome gives you new tools and a stronger relationship

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