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control issues


greywolf

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I always had control issues with my ex and I knew it. At the time I thought it was because of her depression and it always made me feel so out of control all the time. I also wasn't very trusting of her ability to take care of herself; She was constantly doing things that later made her feel guilty and more depressed, or just things that I thought were completely stupid. I thought those things contributed to my need to control.

 

Now I'm discovering more and more that it doesn't matter who I'm with, I still have controlling feelings. It can be from something as simple as someone having a different opinion on something (this hasn't happened in a long time though).

 

I don't act on it, and I'm usually able to talk myself out of feeling that way, but I just want to figure out where this comes from. I assume that it's source is insecurity, but insecure over what?

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Maybe it's how you were raised? If you have an overbearing parent, it may have rubbed off on you. You know you'd get scolded for doing something a certain way or not doing something a certain way and it's just instinct to jump on something that doesn't fit because you've always been jumped on for little things.

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Maybe it's how you were raised? If you have an overbearing parent, it may have rubbed off on you. You know you'd get scolded for doing something a certain way or not doing something a certain way and it's just instinct to jump on something that doesn't fit because you've always been jumped on for little things.

 

That makes sense. My dad was usually unhappy about something. I've also wondered if it's because I grew up in a conservative christian household, or even because of my asian culture that stresses conformity (couldn't think of a better word) vs. individuality.

 

I want to figure out how to stop being this way.

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That makes sense. My dad was usually unhappy about something. I've also wondered if it's because I grew up in a conservative christian household, or even because of my asian culture that stresses conformity (couldn't think of a better word) vs. individuality.

 

I want to figure out how to stop being this way.

 

This is something I need to work on as well. I find myself often embarrassed of my boyfriends. I think they are wonderful guys but I date a lot of guys that don't care what other people think of them (while I do). I know it comes from my over judgmental upbringing, but it's hard to shake. I think I'll be this way with whoever I date and it's something I have to fix.

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My controlling feelings usually pop up when I'm feeling scared. Maybe that rings a bell?

 

I was raised in the sort of environment where to say I was scared would have been like putting a pork chop around my neck near hyenas (that's how I felt at the time) and my response to that was to always try and appear strong even if I wasn't, in control even if I wasn't. A fear of my basic security and to be vulnerable, that anyone would be able to handle the task of making sure everything and everyone was alright (because a lot of times, if I didn't do it well it didn't get done).

 

Nothing more frightening, exasperating to that feeling than someone doing a passive slip away to nowhere land routine (whatever their reasons for it). Coincidence that I chose several passive men who used the art of withdrawal? lol.

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Are there issues where you feel like you don't have control? For example the direction your life is taking, your financial situation or a certain relationship. Obsessing over relatively insignificant things can be a way to give a false sense of contentment when you are anxious about something else entirely.

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Grey,

There is nothing wrong with you. I think we all have these issues to some extent but your Long Distance Relationships make it so much worse. If you can't see the person you love often and they live in another country your mind will make up all kinds of crazy scenarios (sp) that will cause you to think things you wouldn't otherwise think.

 

Has this ever happened with someone you were with that lived in the same area? The fact that you see this in yourself is enough right there. Accepting our faults is the first step in learning and growing.

 

Lost

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I'm getting a lot better, but I have been very much like that. I fear not being in control of my emotions, or others knowing what I really feel like about something.

 

 

 

 

 

It's interesting you mentioned this, because I feel out of control in all of those.

 

 

 

 

I know that I'm normal and that we all have issues. The reason I would like to change though is because it affects my happiness.

 

I don't think I've ever been in a relationship with someone that lived close by for long enough to know... =/

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"I don't think I've ever been in a relationship with someone that lived close by for long enough to know... "

 

Exactly!

The distance has kept you at a distance from them physically and emotionally. I used to try and contol situations so I wouldn't get hurt. If I could steer it in the right direction there was no risk to me. Being vulnerable is a big part of a good relationship. Trusting your partner enough to leave yourself wide open to being hurt brings you closer and closer.

With the way things are in a LDR you can just hang up the phone and wait for the feeling to be brought under control but never dealt with and never have to interact with your partner face to face about the issue. Words mean little if you cannot see the emotions in their face during these times.

I wonder what would happen if you didn't talk yourself out of it. What if you said just what you thought? Is it selfish? Is it concern? Is it controlling?

 

Lost

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Ok, hopefully I won't scare you away on this, but all control issues are EGO related. It has to do with a sense of separateness, and not understanding who you really are.

 

The need to control is like the need to be right. It's saying I'M right, I'M smart, I'M practical, I'M the leader. If you would just shut up and listen to me, everything would be ok.

 

Sound familiar?

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I was thinking along the same lines as ego insecurity but didn't want to use those words because people often take it the wrong way. Just about everyone has ego insecurity, it is quite normal. It doesn't necessarily refer to being self-resenting or over-confident, it is more complicated than that. This is not a philosophy thread though.

 

It's interesting you mentioned this, because I feel out of control in all of those.

 

Oh wow then you have a lot on your plate at the moment. No doubt it would be causing you a lot of stress, but being the sort of person who does not want to feel overcome by their emotions the stress probably remains unresolved. I think it is good to have the discipline to control your emotions if need be, but there are problems with denying your emotions altogether and you seem to be already aware of that. I think being overly controlling is a way for you to act out that stress caused by the bigger issues, but it is ultimately unfulfilling because it is not addressing those core issues. It risks you just becoming more controlling. The obvious solution would be addressing the major problems but that is easier said than done. The practical solution is just better stress management and being more self-aware.

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