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Re-Assessing Things After Matt's Death


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I used to post on here a lot about the conflicts I had with Matt. I have been reading over some of my older posts, thinking deeply about my relationship with Matt.

 

There is so much pain in my heart right now. I feel like in many ways, I was villainising Matt, an failing to really accept my part in the conflicts we had.

 

One of the hardest things for me now is to read some of my complaints, because I sound so bitter and self-righteous. If I had died suddenly, this would have been my legacy--a bunch of negative talk.

 

But the last thing Matt wrote, days before he died, was a beautiful card to me, full of loving and gentle words, words of hope and friendship. It is so lovely that I have not been able to read it for months---It breaks my heart when I think about how he had written, "I would like to be here for you in any way that you want or need."

 

I feel like I need to apologise here on ENA for being smug, for having a big chip on my shoulder, for focusing on feeling wronged, instead of trying to see how Matt was attempting to rectify the wounds in our connection.

 

Matt could have easily written pages about my faults, my wrong-doings, but he did not. If he had these complaints, he nobly kept them to himself. So many people have told me how he always simply said how much he loved me, even until the end.

 

I just don't know how to find peace in my heart for griping and critisizing...for being so self-centered and stubborn.......This is my ongoing, terrible struggle.

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First I'd like to say that I'm really sorry for your loss. There is someone in my past as well that I loved greatly, but had no idea how to show it, in the end I hurt that person really badly in an unforgivable way and after I finally realized what I'd done, it was all too late to make amends. Lord knows I've tried. To this day I regret I'll I'd done to hurt her. It is a mistake I refuse to make again. So I know how you feel when you look back and read what you'd once said in anger. But know this much, your Matt loved you despite the angry things you've said in the past, and with love comes forgiveness. I'm certain that he meant what he'd said in that card you described.

 

You need to forgive yourself for how you feel you wronged him. There will always be times in relationships that are not ideal and you may get upset or jealous or angry and say things you don't actually mean. I've done that countless times.

 

I'm certain Matt looks down smiling for you in heaven and that he harbors no ill feelings for you. In time you will find the strength to forgive yourself.

 

I hope you find peace soon.

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I just read your story and my heart aches for you. I don't have any great or profound words for you, I don't have any magic way to take away the pain, but I want you to know we are here for you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that you can slowly begin to let go of the pain and the grief. I hope that one day you can look back on your times together and smile instead of cry. If I could do something to ease your pain I would. But time is the only thing that will help at all, and even then the loss and ache will still be there. Hang in there and know you have people thinking of you.

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BL,

You are going through a phase of grieving....remembering past wrongs that you cannot take back. It's normal, honest. This will pass, and do you think Matt thinks less of you? He doesn't, believe me.

 

Please don't continue down this road, it's not healthy for you. Stay positive.

KG

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