My Mom Died

[KG]

"Grieving is a b*tch. Feels like I have a disease. I'm exhausted and I stay in bed for 20 hours a day. "

 

Then you need counseling. This is a sign of major depression kicking in....been there.....

 

Please seek help, it can't hurt, and you may get some relief.

Best to you Hoss.

KG

[mgirl]

Omg hosswispra,

 

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

I remember you from ages ago (posting), and you were always such a great person! I think your mum did a good job in raising you... If anything, she has left a legacy, and that is you.

 

Please... do you have some friends or close family members you can hang out with? It really helps to surround yourself with these types of people... It will help you and support you.

 

Your feelings at this stage are totally justifed.

 

I hope you can get through it. Please remember, it is the memories that count. And, in a funny way, i think your mum will always be with you xx

[Miss Firecracker]

Life sucks. It's a b*tch.

 

I miss my mom so much.

 

I feel so alone in this freaking cess pool called life.

 

On his deathbed, my dad said that life was a joke. I'm inclined to believe it.

 

Why the freak are we born only to suffer and die.

 

Doesn't make any freaking sense at all.

 

Boy, am I freaking angry, sad, in shock. The whole effin 9 yards. Life is in the toilet. Feel like I was majorly crapped on with this loss.

 

LOSS, LOSS, LOSS.....all of 2009 was a freaking year of loss into 2010.

 

Grieving is a b*tch. Feels like I have a disease. I'm exhausted and I stay in bed for 20 hours a day.

 

You took words out of my mind. I try to snuff those thoughts, but they are always lurking.

[thejigsup]

Death is natural. We all die. When my mom died, she left a will saying she didn't want us grieving and that she would be fine and wanted us to be, also. I lost my dad when I was twelve, so Mom was the only parent I had for over 20 years. When my dad died, in front of me, I lost my faith. When my mother died, I got it back. Life is a gift. Live yours to honor her. I hope your pain eases and you see sunshine again. Until then, know that many of us here are thinking of you and wishing you peace. >

[hosswhispra]

I miss her so much. I wake up every morning wondering where she is. I review all of October, November, December. These were the months leading up to her official cancer diagnosis. I say official diagnosis because in October, I had two dreams that she died right in front of me. Right around those dreams, her health became a constant obsession of mine. I sensed something was not right-despite her being very active and vivacious.

 

I hate the winter months-October right through effin February. Thanksgiving sucks. Christmas sucks. New Year's sucks. LOSS, LOSS, LOSS is what those months represent to me. Everyone I ever loved died during those months.

 

My father died in November of 2004 and I was still grieving his death. I have kept a journal of all my feelings and I even shared it with my mom at the end of September of 2009. I cried my eyes out to her about how I felt losing my father. She went out and bought me a new journal. Now she is gone and her death is a MILLION times worse to me. I loved my dad and I miss him tremendously. My mom was my rock after he died. My mom was someone who I came home to EVERYDAY and talked with. We were friends. Her love was REAL. How many times do we experience REAL LOVE WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS? She was REAL to me. I was REAL to her. I don't care what anyone says about time making it better. I KNOW time may blunt feelings over time but it NEVER goes away. Grief is like the ocean waves coming into the shore. It can be tumultuous. It comes in waves but the waves never stop crashing into the shoreline.

 

My mom's and dad's deaths make me reassess life. Everything that we deal with on a day-to-day basis is fluff.

 

Watching both parents die-I saw them both take their last breaths on this earth, watching the dying process makes me realize that I've got to be ready for my own death one day. I know the order- you detach from this earth and you have to leave everything behind. You walk that path ALONE. No one goes with you. You have to let go into a realm of uncertainty if your faith is not strong. My faith is in the toilet right now.

 

I cry my eyes out everyday. I grieve both of my parents. They were REAL and their LOVE was REAL. I miss that love SO MUCH. That LOVE will never be replaced.

 

I feel like my mom should be here and she is not. My heart has been ripped from my chest, stomped on and then put back in my chest expected to go on beating. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I won't live forever. I will walk that path by myself oneday. Hopefully, I will see my mom and dad. Whether it is a hallucination or real, I will see them. Dying people always see dead people.....

[hosswhispra]

Knowing that I won't see her ever again in this life is killing my spirit.

 

I just found this email in my inbox from exactly one year ago. I just cried a bucket of tears here after viewing it. Holy , I miss you SO MUCH, mom. My heart is aching!

 

link removed

[hosswhispra]

The loneliness is palpable. I get an actual pain in my chest right over my heart. Grief is a mother effer.

[Ellie2006]

Hoss, dont stay by yourself right now. Can you ask a friend to come over and keep you company?

[hosswhispra]

No worries on that Ellie-thankfully, my sister and I live together.

 

I know there isn't away around this-you just got to go through it. The house of cards may have fallen-but I'm like a cornered rat in a cage. I will fight my way through.

 

I hurt all over. I will survive though. I know my mom wouldn't want me to cave. I am a tough mother effer.

[Ellie2006]

I will survive though. I know my mom wouldn't want me to cave. I am a tough mother effer.

 

Not only that. She'd want you and your sister to be happy.

Mourn, but stay strong, girl. We know how much strength you have within yourself.

[hosswhispra]

Raining here all day. Grief makes the soul, body and mind ache. Spent most of the day in bed.

 

Feels like I can't breath. Knowing that I will never see her again makes my spirit feel dead too. Not interested in the outside world. I just want to be around others that have experienced loss. Others that I can relate to.

 

One thing I've learned from my mother's death that I did not think of after my father's death is that we will all take our journey towards death. I need to prepare my mind, body and soul for that solo journey.

 

I fear getting a terminal illness like my parents. My mother had so much pain. I will never forget her screaming in pain. She was tough as nails, not one to ever complain. Never took medications or anything of that sort. Watching someone you love in pain and when there is nothing you can do about that pain-that kills your spirit.

[hosswhispra]

I miss you so much, mom. I have such a terrible yearning to see you. Sometimes when I am out a the store, I see you walking around the corner into the aisle that I am in. I can't believe I will never see you again, hear your voice, your laugh or have one of your hugs. I feel so lonely without you. You were such an awesome listener. No one listens to me like you did. I really miss your presence. Life is numb without you.

 

I ran about 4 miles today and it helped get my anger out. I thought of the last time I ran that route and it was when you were alive. Death really rots. Your death makes me think of what my death will be like. Sometimes I think I will get cancer like you and dad did. What is that moment like when you realize you are no longer healthy and you will never get better? I remember you had denial about it mom in November. I would tell you that I was worried leaving you home alone and you would ask me, "Why, don't I look well?" A couple of times in late November and early December you told me you felt you were going to die in those early days of November. You would knock on wood. How effed up is that? I can't imagine that you would be the type of person to die. You weren't even that old.

 

I feel sad that I did not realize how much you missed Dad until you were dying yourself. I feel really, really sad about that. I wish I could have done something to make you feel better and less lonely, mom. Sometimes I look forward to the moment that I die. I hope you are there to hug me with Dad. I miss you both soooo much that my heart hurts. I feel damaged and broken. I miss you guys so much. I miss your voices and your sage advice about life. I love you guys so much and I look forward to the moment we are all reunited again.

 

Life is not ideal. Life is painful. Death is sweet release from suffering. I hope I meet my death as courageous as you and Dad did. You guys were both so brave and faced your cancer diagnoses.

 

I still can't believe you died mom. It's such a weird feeling. It feels like you are still here with me and that you will walk through the door, we'll sit down for a cup of tea and joke about the time you almost died. It's unbelievable.....I love you so much mom and I really miss you.

[hosswhispra]

I keep doing weird things-I look at my mom's shopping receipts, I look at her old emails that she sent me. She died two months ago and I am still in disbelief that she died. I know she died-I was with her-I just can't believe that my mom would die. It was too soon after my father died. I miss her more-and-more every day. Life seems like a waiting room for me now. I keep replaying October, November, December, January and February in my mind.

 

How did she feel when she knew she was no longer healthy and she was going to die? She told my sister and I that she was not afraid to die. She had faith. She may have doubted but she had faith.

 

It is a roller-coaster. I realize as time goes on, it is going to feel worse. I am already aware of that. I miss her so much.

 

There is a quote about life that I am contemplating getting tattooed on my right scapula. That is where my mom had really bad pain.

 

The quote is:

 

Pain is life - the sharper, the more evidence of life. It's like I need to feel physical sharp pain or something. Never felt this way in my life.......I feel like I am in hell.

[Rose21]

I'm so very very sorry for your loss Hoss!

 

I'm crying for you right now as I read this, I can't imagine going through a pain like this. Thankfully, both of my parents are alive.

 

I would be awfully heartbroken if either of them died of course (even my stepdad) But I am VERY VERY close to my mom and I live with her, so I know how you feel. If something were to happen to her, oh God I don't know what I would do with myself! Hate to say it, but I'd prob have to check myself into an asylum.

 

Things like this really get to me, seeing people cry on T.V. seeing my friends cry, reading things like this, makes me really very sad.

 

I hope you will get through this okay! My best friend of 8 years lost BOTH of her parents in just one year apart when she was 13.

 

She is now the strongest person I know, she is a year younger than me, yet I swear she is very mature and always gives me the strongest advice. I feel so stupid complaining about my petty problems to her when she is been through SO much. How she always remains to smile, how she gets straight A's in school and ALWAYS seems happy! I don't know HOW she does it, she's amazing.

 

I am crying just IMAGINING myself in your shoes, but you will get through this.

 

I am not very strong emotionally, I think you have showed that you are much more so.

 

Cling to your sisters, other family members, and friends, take as much time as you need to grieve. Just don't bottle it up or push people away!

[hosswhispra]

I feel so lost.

 

I feel so numb.

 

I am dead inside.

[PhilliesFan001]

Oh, I'm so sorry I cannot imagine that feeling.

 

I apologize if this has come up already, but have you considered any kind of grief counseling?

[Nixee]

****hugs hosswhispra***

 

I know you can get through your loss. Somehow I will find a way to get through what I am facing too.

 

I think I know very well that horrible cold feeling inside that is hard to escape from. I think it is just grief... which is just love.

 

I felt it when I lost my brother too, and it took a long time to learn that the pain and sadness would really always mean that I loved him, and he was always, always a part of me.