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Did you have doubts when you married?


lkm370

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To those who are divroced, or divorcing, or thinking of divorce, did you have doubts when you got married? Did you have this bad feeling in the pit of your stomach, or you were dreading the day, or thinking he/she isnt the right one? A lot of divorced people I have spoken to have told me that they had doubts when they were getting married but they didnt pay attention to them. Is this true?

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I think if you have those feelings that it is a crime to ignore them. One should NEVER marry when they feel that way. I am not divorced, but my mother was a few times. She always overjoyed to be marrying the person she married. I think if you are dreading being with someone before you are even married that is a signal the person is not right for you.

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Hindsight is 20/20. If things turn out badly (in any situation...not just marriage), it's too easy to look back and say you knew something wasn't right.

 

In other words, I don't know that you can get a really accurate/true answer to this question.

 

Closest I'd think you could come is if the person in question had been keeping a journal or diary and could show by things they'd writen prior to and at the time of the wedding that they did have doubts and what doubts they had. Otherwise, you're relying on people's memories, which are easily altered and spun to fit one's current reality.

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Hindsight is 20/20. If things turn out badly (in any situation...not just marriage), it's too easy to look back and say you knew something wasn't right.

 

In other words, I don't know that you can get a really accurate/true answer to this question.

 

Closest I'd think you could come is if the person in question had been keeping a journal or diary and could show by things they'd writen prior to and at the time of the wedding that they did have doubts and what doubts they had. Otherwise, you're relying on people's memories, which are easily altered and spun to fit one's current reality.

 

Yes, that here. You always remember something as negative when the chips are down whether it is an accurate reflection or not.

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Yup, totally. I knew there were compatibility issues, but I went through with it anyway because:

 

- She badly wanted to and I always wanted to make her happy

- I was a coward and not wanting to be alone at the time

- I didn't think any other woman would ever love me and it was my only shot

 

And here we are, fighting and having discussions on the topic of divorce.. last night and today.

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nope. didn't have one doubt. I did however have a million red flags going up all over the place that I ignored or rationalized away.

 

Hindsight is 20/20. I look back now and see all the warnings that should have made me run screaming the other way. But then... totally taken by his flattery, charm, and lavish attention... I went into marriage without hesitation. Stupid. stupid. stupid.

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I broke up once for about 4 days and her crying, pleading, and my insecurity brought me back. A year later we were married. 15 years later we were divorced. It wasn't that I didn't love her, it was that I was settling. Once I decided to settle for something less than my best it was broken. I did not have cold feet on my wedding day but looking back to that time a year before my wedding, I wonder if I could have predicted the outcome.

 

btw.. there was also 10 years of a generally good marriage and then 5 years of really bad marriage.

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When I chose to get married, my rationale was: we had been/lived together for five years, we never argued (therefore things are good, right?), I cared deeply about her, she was my best friend, and I had no good reason not to get married. She was my first love and we had been together since I was 17.

 

It was all so... logical. I certainly loved her. I didn't believe that things between us would change. I didn't *want* to believe that she might not be right for me or that my needs might be met better with someone else. I dismissed the weird feelings I had before getting married as 'cold feet'.

 

We've been separated for a year and we will be filing for dissolution very soon.

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I believe the saying "Love is blind, and sometimes stupid!" applies here. I am on my fourth marriage and I can honestly say that I didn't ever have a doubt before the weddings but in all four cases, I knew within six months that I had made a big mistake and I stayed to try to make them work. Like a lot of people here, now I find myself trying to find a way to say goodbuy once more and get out of a bad situation and the only person I have to blame is myself.

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I look back and I had all kinds of flags.. but i was young and in love and my husband was a perfect man! But we have changed and the road hasnt been easy... Im unhappy now in our relationship and if I had enough money and a place to go I would leave. I looked at our court wedding video and i was laughing and giggling the whole time.. not taking it seriously at all.. i shoudlnt have done it.

 

Come face to face with your feelings and find out where they are coming from. Deal with them... if the times not right dont force it.

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  • 5 months later...
To those who are divroced, or divorcing, or thinking of divorce, did you have doubts when you got married? Did you have this bad feeling in the pit of your stomach, or you were dreading the day, or thinking he/she isnt the right one? A lot of divorced people I have spoken to have told me that they had doubts when they were getting married but they didnt pay attention to them. Is this true?

 

I think that a lot of people on this board who talk about GIGS and walk-away spouses refer to the fact that a person considering divorce will rewrite their entire marriage in light of their choice. I don't think this is the case. Before my marriage, I had doubts about our relationship (as evidenced in conversations and journal entries), but I always relegated those to me not being accepting enough of him. Mind you, this is the only LTR I've ever been in, so having nothing to compare it to, I felt like I needed to be very pragmatic (i.e., "it's not perfect but perhaps this is just how relationships are").

 

But yes, on my wedding day, something felt off. After a while, I thought it was just nerves, but I will always remember making a toast to him and saying, "I'm very lucky to be marrying my best friend." When it was his turn to make a toast, he said something dismissive: "I've already said my piece to her, so let's party." Then proceeded to change out of his tux into a holey T-shirt so as to be comfortable. Little things like that ticked me off, but I realize that my doubts were much more about my ambivalence about marrying someone who just felt like a friend or a comfortable old sock rather than a lover or partner.

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When I chose to get married, my rationale was: we had been/lived together for five years, we never argued (therefore things are good, right?), I cared deeply about her, she was my best friend, and I had no good reason not to get married. She was my first love and we had been together since I was 17.

 

It was all so... logical. I certainly loved her. I didn't believe that things between us would change. I didn't *want* to believe that she might not be right for me or that my needs might be met better with someone else. I dismissed the weird feelings I had before getting married as 'cold feet'.

 

We've been separated for a year and we will be filing for dissolution very soon.

 

This sounds sooooooo much like my situation, it's eerie.

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In my first marriage, I had doubts and tons of fear. I left him 13 years later. Still loved him and always will (he's passed away now).

 

In my second marriage, I had no doubts at all. Not one. He left me after 18 months.

 

All I can glean from it is this ~ I either feared the inevitable divorce with my first husband, or I somehow made that happen because of my fears and doubts. With my second husband, I would still be there today trying to make it work (and it never would, I've discovered he's probably NPD). I think it's how you feel about it, and this has nothing to do with how the other person feels about it.

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Yup, totally. I knew there were compatibility issues, but I went through with it anyway because:

 

- She badly wanted to and I always wanted to make her happy

- I was a coward and not wanting to be alone at the time

- I didn't think any other woman would ever love me and it was my only shot

 

And here we are, fighting and having discussions on the topic of divorce.. last night and today.

This is exactly the same situation Im in:

 

I had doubts on the wedding day. I had doubts as she walked down the isle. I forced myself to cry because I felt so nervous about the whole situation

 

I had to take Viagra to get it up on my wedding night (I was 19 yrs old at the time, and have actually zero problems with "performance")

 

Now here I am, planning how to get out of the marriage for the second time. The first time I let myself get talked out of the divorce by family.

Now I have built up the courage and will be telling her tomorrow how I feel.

 

If you have doubts on your wedding day, Its better to pull the cliche dramatic exit during the vows and say "I JUST CANT!!!"

 

LoL I wish I had done that soo bad.

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I had no doubts when I announced to a close co-worker that I was getting married. My close friend who is older and wiser and had met the ex on different occasions asked me if I was sure...I said I was. He just looked at me weird and asked me to reconsider.

 

Another good friend said there was something "funny" about the ex...

 

Friends were seeing things that I missed. I was blindly in love.

 

Had lived together with him for a few years.

 

He was 16 years my senior but always said he adored me. Even promised my mum that he would never ever hurt me.

 

After 18 months of being married plus the time we lived together = 7 years. He went through a mid-life crisis and now we are going through an extremely ugly divorce. He cheated on me with his ex wife and one of his co-workers.

 

Thanks to my marriage counselor I am doing great.

 

But I wish I had taken my friend's advise about "reconsidering". I was so in love though.

 

Zoe.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I find this thread interesting. I am currently married and no intentions of getting a divorce. We have issues but I wanted to chime in.

 

I am reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and it's teaching me alot about we identify ourselves so often with our false selves, our minds, our egos. So our minds look at thoughts, emotions, and situations and make them into problems by projecting them into the future or back into the past. In the case of doubts people have, my feeling is that people are often projecting into the future or ruminating the past and are not conscious of their present moment. One key thing that I have learned from Tolle is that something is not a problem until you add psychological time to it (so going into the future, which has not happened yet, or going back into the past, which doesn't exist). That's not to say there aren't legitimate reasons to leave someone, I'm sure there are. But having a feeling that someone isnt right for you --- feelings are not always accurate. Feelings are just thoughts reflected in the body. The mind loves to stir up conflict where there isn't any. Step outside of yourself when you have a bad feeling or thought that someone isn't right for you and be conscious of your present being, where you are in the now. And take a look at that present moment without judging or analyzing it and see if you actually have the problems you think you do.

 

I problematize my issues in my marriage all the time but I have never considered just being aware of my presence and just being. Perhaps if I did that more often, and if we all did that more often, than the so-called problems that people divorce over wouldn't be reasons anymore. Not to judge anyone who has been through a divorce because I have not walked in my shoes but I do know the majority of us are not fully awake in our lives and in our relationships. Without being fully awake, how can anyone ever be in the position to judge what is right or wrong for them? And more to the point, when one says "I don't know if he is right for me", who is the "I" or "Me" that is being referred to? Is it a person who is actually real (real to the touch, taste, smell, hearing, sight, a person who is tangible) or the person the mind has created who only exists through thought? It is a question I am mindful of everytime I use the word "I" to allude to myself. This "I" with all of its preferences, goals, fears, and expectations may not even really exist. So when you get that feeling of dread, try accepting it rather than attaching a story to it, like the feeling might mean that so-and-so is not right for you. Because who is that "you" anyways?

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  • 3 weeks later...

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