My fiance and I are having some big issues, please, any advice helps!

[rphoenix]

I know this is kind of long but I need your help and would appreciate it so much if you could give me some advice.

 

My fiance and I have been having some issues lately. First, let me say, I want advice on how to make it work, or at least try, I don't want to be told to just "give up." I want to try everything I can before we just call it quits because we do love each other.

 

We were going to get married in June, but we've decided to make it a long engagement. He's lied to me... a lot. But for the MOST part about stupid things. Like smoking or something small like that. We got into a fight one night and he told his friend I was a * * * * * and annoying, but he said he never meant it. I'm currently in Florida and he's in New Jersey. I had to move from Jersey to Florida due to family issues. He has offered to come down here, and has visited, but it would be very hard for him. It would be even harder for me to move there, but we're currently trying to work that out.

 

He also lied to me about a girl. They would cuddle, she would lay her head on him when they watched TV or something. He wasn't usually alone with her, but it did happen. They never did anything else. They talked a lot. See the thing is, that girl was best friends with a girl that has never liked me, and my fiance would talk to her about things going on with us, so she would always tell him he was right and he never did anything wrong, and would encourage him to do the things that upset me. One night they cuddled and she kissed him and he kissed back, but pulled away and completely moved away. He told me about it, too. And cried and told me how wrong it felt and he was so sorry.

 

He truly is terrified of losing me. I can tell by the way he acts when I even get close to bringing it up. He's done a few things for me. He came to visit me, he gave me the most beautiful ring ever. He tells me all the time he loves me and all the things he loves about me and how I'm so beautiful and gorgeous. He says he wants to spend his life with me and start a family with me and everything.

 

But, I feel like he takes me for granted. Like he doesn't respect my feelings or feels like he can do whatever he wants and I won't leave him. I've put up with a lot from him, like the lying and the cheating, but I feel like I'm the only one trying to fix anything. He always says, "I don't know," And gets so upset and paniced and never can say or do anything, so I always just tell him not to worry about it, because it's not like we can talk about much when he's crying. I keep telling him over and over he needs to learn to fix things himself. He needs to learn to stand up for himself because he does anything and everything people tell him to do (except me of course!) and doesn't know how to say no! And he's so incredibly shy. He always says he "CAN'T" think of things or do anything to fix things and says how stupid he is, but he's not stupid!

 

We've recently taken a short "break" from each other. We're just going to take time to ourselves to figure things out and think about things, but I need some outside advice. I've found myself getting more and more frustrated with him and just feeling so tired and not even wanting to talk about our relationship because I feel like it won't change anything. And, I have a hard time trusting him. I know part of trust is being able to trust the other person, and he tells me what he's doing at all times without me even asking, but, I'm just worried.

 

I hate being frustrated with him, and I miss being able to just talk about things. We used to be so close and so happy. I use to feel so loved and appreciated. I've tried talking, in person and over the phone, I've tried writing emails, I've screamed and cried... I don't know what else to do.

 

So please. Help. I don't want to give up until I've tried everything, and this is my last resort. So please. Any and all advice would be WONDERFUL. Thank you all so much.

[Lucius]

You say that you used to be very happy together? What changed all that? Where do you think it really started to go downhill? I could assume it was the lying, but then it might be the cheating. Heck, the distance might be the culprit. What I'm curious to know is: what changed? What was the event, or series of events, that drove a wedge between you - to your mind?

 

I find that identifying where things went wrong can sometimes help me to get back on track - by fostering the behaviours before that event, and limiting or eliminating the ones that followed.

[rphoenix]

You say that you used to be very happy together? What changed all that? Where do you think it really started to go downhill? I could assume it was the lying, but then it might be the cheating. Heck, the distance might be the culprit. What I'm curious to know is: what changed? What was the event, or series of events, that drove a wedge between you - to your mind?

 

I find that identifying where things went wrong can sometimes help me to get back on track - by fostering the behaviours before that event, and limiting or eliminating the ones that followed.

 

It was really a few days before the first time he admitted to lying to me. I just felt uneasy, like there was something I didn't know. Then after he admitted lying to me, I just felt... detached. It hurt, and I was upset, but I just felt different. It wasn't long after that, that I had left, and things felt fine again. Things were good for awhile even while I was gone. I mean, it's hard being away from him. I miss him a lot and hate sleeping alone, and that does make the relationship harder, but I don't feel like it's causing a wedge or any emotional distance, though it might be and I'm not noticing. Anytime I found out about lies, I'd feel distant for awhile, and it would be okay. When he visited me recently, everything felt perfect! I was so happy, and so was he. I found out after he left about the girl he had been spending so much time with. It wasn't until after he left that he had kissed her. I was happy he told me about it, because he had been being completely honest with me about everything... but it still hurt. I kept picturing them together, wondering what was so great about her, wondering what I did. But he kept telling me I was amazing and she just "made him feel better." Because she would tell him he did "nothing wrong" and I was stupid for getting upset about him lying, trying to make herself look better, I guess? He said he was wrong for not realizing it and he doesn't want someone like her who covers things up and acts like bad things are good, he wants me, who tries to make things better.

 

It was after that, that I started feeling the annoyance and frustration instead of simply being sad or upset. That's really when I started feeling this way. Like I said, it just feels like HE made the mistakes, yet I'M the one cleaning them up. And part of me feels like I should just stop and see what happens, but most of me knows that wouldn't go well at all.

 

Whenever bad things happened with us, yes, I'd feel hurt, but I'd just feel so detached and get "whatever" kind of attitude. In my last relationship, which lasted a little over 16 months, I would cry and get upset and freak out over every little thing happening and I would want to fix them right then and there. But with this relationship, I take my time and space and just feel... detatched! And then I get hurt and worry later. I feel like something might evn be wrong with me...

[Lucius]

I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you, but I do think that falling back on detachment as a means to somehow overcome interpersonal pain has the side effect of diminishing feelings of intimacy. And I think that's what's happening here. He has betrayed your trust (on more than one occasion, in more than one way), and you've adjusted to it by pulling away from him (bit by bit) emotionally. The cumulative affect of that is the erosion of the bond that holds two people together.

 

As I see it, two things need to happen. One, he needs to commit to a new, self-motivated, honest, pro-active approach to rebuilding trust and intimacy - and two, you need to stop falling back on detachment to spare your wounded feelings. Rebuilding connections requires transparency, vulnerability, and a genuine desire to make things work. The only question is, do you both still want that?