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Getting Back Together Not Possible?


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I've been wondering for awhile now whether I should post my story here. I hope and fear that due to the anonymity of the internet that people will tell me things i don't want to hear but what i need to hear.

 

Let me begin...

 

I have just gotten out of a 2.5 year relationship. Like any relationship the first year was great but riddled with problems. I had money problems and within the first month she had already loaned me a sizable sum of money($1000 - 1500). Now I know...wow what a bad start. But I paid her back immediately. So the months went by and we fell in love. I loved spending almost every moment with her but at the same time I liked the distance between us. I got to know her family and they got to know me. I loved them like they were my own. Everytime they asked me for help I gladly did it. As part of how I showed love to this girl I did alot of things for her parents. Whether it be construction, painting, mowing the lawn, vacuuming...you name it...I did it. It was great. I felt loved and so did she. Then into our second year more problems arose. I started having money and career problems. To this date I still owe her money. A large sum at that...she hasn't asked about it recently but I feel the obligation to pay her back.d I felt stagnant and needed some serious help. She helped me so much. She gave me money, helped me plan my future and had even bought me a cheap car so I may do the things I needed to do. But then about 6 months ago...I panicked. I realized that within a year we would have to make the decision to either to stay together or move apart and try a LDR. I was so scared. I had not really gotten far in trying to make my career goals met so at that period 6 months ago I got scared that I would lose her for good. What I wanted to do was make good on all the help she gave me. I wanted to show her that I had a great future ahead of me and for us. So for 6 months straight I worked hard on trying to make some money and save up for a ring. This took alot of time and through it all i slowly started to neglect her. I knew it...I started neglecting her and for six months she held on hoping things would change. It didn't...then one fateful day...one of my problems came back and bit me right in the ass with her there to witness it all. She was pissed to say the least. For months I had told her I had taken care of it and now she came to realize that I hadn't. While working hard on trying to show her my future...I let other things slide. So one of these things I let slide finally reared its ugly head and destroyed us. That day we broke up. For about 2 months after that we talked with the usual i reject her...then she reject me...then i come begging for her back...and it got to the point that she was tired and angry. She didn't want to talk to me. She told me to move on. She told me that she didn't want to speak to me anymore because I wouldn't be able to move on. She had closed the door on us and she said she would never open it again.

 

So...its been about 2 weeks with NC and I still want her back some days. But recently i've began to realize that what have done that shows that i deserve her. Yes so i've lost weight, changed my bad habits and am finally moving forward in my career. But...is it too late for me in her? Is this a lost cause? She seems to be moving forward greatly and she is going out again with friends and having fun. I'm happy for her...yet I can't help but feel like I belong with her. So what should I do. We are already in NC and I used to tell myself that we would find each other again but now...I realize that maybe not. We had a long history, filled with good times and bad. She still has alot of her things here and the memories of are past are still sitting in my room in plain view. But for what i have done...for the neglect I had shown her. For the pain, anguish and anger I've caused...Is this relationship gone for good? I miss her and I want her back...but is there no light to the end of this tunnel? I only have about a year left here. After which we may go our separate ways due to career and because of the weak state we are in now...it seems that getting back in 6 - 9 months from now would not leave us strong enough for a LDR if need be. What should I do?

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Does she know you were working that hard to get her a ring? Sometimes men do things out of love without explaining that, and their behavior while they do that may look like something different, as in your case. We all make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up. You sound like you really loved her and had the best of intentions. It's not clear what kind of mistake you made, some kind of financial irresponsibility, while you had your eye on the ring? I'm not sure how old you are but we learn from these mistakes, and when the love is strong enough they are not deal breakers.

If she didn't know about the ring maybe you could write her a letter explaining that you always had her at the forefront of your mind, that perhaps you had made the ring itself too much of a priority? I really feel your pain and do want to wish you all the best. If she doesn't come back, remember it's because she don't love you enough, not because you did something so terribly wrong, because you didn't. Learning financial responsibility may just be a weakness you had, an easy one to learn about and move forward from. It's not really a character flaw in the sense of directly harming another person through infidelity or abuse. I suppose she also felt a sense of betrayal when you lied to her about whatever the situation was, saying you had taken care of it. If she really loves you though, the good times will outweigh the bad in her memories. Sounds like you are bottom line a really caring person who really extended himself for her family. I am sure there were also many other positives between you that she might remember when she cools off from the let down of whatever this discovery was.

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It's true that I had been focused on the ring and along the way i neglected her. She said to me that she was closing the door. That she wanted to move on. That she was filling up again after being empty and numb to the pain. She said she made a mistake by never putting her foot down about it all. She said that she made a mistake with me and felt like an idiot. She said that in dating me she had regressed as a person. That I had benefitted from being in the relationship and she could not say the same. All be it she said these things while very mad at me. I mean she started off the conversation very mad already. We started off our relationship with the lie that I was doing well in life. When she found out all the problems she still stood by my side. I loved her for it and I often felt that one day I would have to repay all this love and I was gladly working on it.

 

Its been 2 weeks since we last spoke. I am still best friends with her brother which I wonder if that is bad. Also her circle of friends are my roommates. I really want her back. I often look back on us with fond memories and hate myself for the fact that I didn't show her enough love. I know now the mistakes I made and have read books, blogs, posts and understand where things went wrong. I have accepted the break up and accepted my faults in the matter. I know it takes 2 make a relationship work and fail. I have come to that conclusion and accept my mistakes. I don't know if she has yet because where we last left it...she was just very mad with me...angry and in my opinion blaming me for everything...so in giving her space...I hope she realizes that she as well as I made mistakes that resulted in the end of almost 3 years. Actually I don't want to put out to much info in case she sees this but next month would be 3 years. It breaks my heart to think about it. She is still mad I believe...Rightfully so I guess. In the whirlwind experience of breaking up I did a lot of things I regret. I would corner and tell her to take me back...that things have changed. No worries I have never and will never harm her physically or anyone for that matter. I got jealous because she was hanging out another guy who in my opinion is more successful in life then i am. Also understand that she is more successful then me in life as well and for sure she will always make more money then me. I've never been the jealous type but to see her move on scared me. I was her shoulder to lean on for so long and seeing that made me feel that I weren't special anymore. That I could be so easily replaced at the drop of a hat. I dropped out of school for the moment and I am planning to work to save up enough money to go back to school. We always argued about the value of school and now I realize that she was right...I find myself returning to school but this time for something I really want to do and not something I don't. I am working hard on myself and strangely I find that all the things she had asked of me during the relationship...i am doing so now on my own. Strange how that worked out. I am really feeling lost without her. I often hug my pillow just to try to remember what it was like to be with her but of course to no avail. I miss her and I hope she comes back...

 

Minou:

 

Thank you for the kind words. I believe she knew about how I was working towards getting her a ring. I have since dropped my idea of starting a business to make some quick money and am focusing on the realistic goal of working and going back to school. I am in a lot of debt to my current school but am sure I can make ends meet till I return to school. I am lucky in that I have a great support group although it is her support group as well. I hope im not crazy in hoping that we will get back together. Most people here believe successful reconciliation takes place at about 6 - 8 months. Sounds like a very long journey but I am willing to do what it takes to spend the rest of my life with her.

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Hang in there. Life takes time to get your act together. When I met my husband I was making lots more money than he was, but that wasn't a factor in whether or not I loved him and wanted to be with him. Now he is super successful. You can do it! You can be more successful than you now realize. you deserve someone who loves you for who you are, not what you have today. If you just keep working on yourself and moving forward in life for yourself. If she really loves you, she'll come back. If she doesn't, I'm sure you'll find someone who deserves your love. It sounds like you adore her and that's what you deserve.

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Ok here's my thoughts on this.... She's upset because she's hurt and if she's seeing someone that's fine, chances are it won't work because she's not over you.

You can't phase 2 years like it never hapened in a month.. She's upset and is looking for a reason to justify her break up... Chances are she won't find one..

Meanwhile get your act together, make things happen for you and start moving on.

She will contact u when u least expect it but you need to be ready for that mentally and physically.

My pm is open to u

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So its day 8 of NC. I told my roommates today that I was over the break up and accepted it for what it was...unfortunately I was lying to myself. I woke up tonight at 2:30 and haven't really gone back to sleep since. Although I do go to bed at 9:00 from sheer fatigue so maybe thats why.

 

Anyways. I was talking to my roommate and she told me that my ex thought i was making her stagnant and that she thought she was always playing "hurry and catch up." This really affected me...I don't know what to think...

 

I thought I was over her...but it just isn't the case. What I was over was actually the break-up. I had accepted it...but I hadn't accepted losing her. I haven't spoken to her in 8 days and I know it sounds horrible but when I look at MSN it says she hasn't signed in for almost 2 days now. I wonder if she has blocked me. I wonder if maybe she took all my stuff and now it lays in the attic. It's such a horrible feeling.

 

I hate being a downer but I don't know how to keep up much hope when it seems that things won't work out. Yes I know it hasn't been very long but I still miss her. I can only seem to fade out during the day and remember the good and bad times of our relationship. It has become torturous. I hope she is happy. I just wish I could be the reason for that happiness.

 

I was contemplating contacting her...just to talk about the money situation and repayment. Also I kinda wanted to give her back her stuff and maybe pack up the things she gave me. I don't know what to do and just the thought of packing it all up makes me so sad...](*,)

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Hey,

 

I haven't read the entire thread because I am having a 'sensitive' moment and am just scanning. I only wanted to post something general about the possibility of getting back together....

 

The answer is yes. There is always a chance for everyone. The decision of whether they want us back is theirs to make and we have no control, yet we can have influence. What I did a couple of weeks into my break up was to put that hope into a mental baloon and send it off into orbit. I know the chance is there and I know that first and foremost I must work on myself. I then need to decide, after giving it time, whether I would want to get back together. Even if my decision is yes I still have to wait on her.

 

I think of it as the win win scenario. You move on, work on your life and if they decide they want to be a part of your life again and you are happy with that then great.

 

This is pretty general advise but I felt like writing it because I need to hear it myself.

 

Thanks,

 

DazB

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DazB this morning you rule. There is always a chance. Thank you so much. I need to hear that too, and this morning you are my angel.

 

Toolatetoogone, change your name on here. The energy of our thoughts and what we put out there is important. If you want to have hope make sure you don't say you have none and it's hopeless out loud. While life is multiply determined, the power of our thoughts, words, images and actions can't be denied. I believe in a world of energy, thoughts, words, actions all contain energetic power. I function by balancing moments of hope, focussing in the present, and various pain strategies when it comes up.. telling myself I am gaining strength, distracting myself, prayer, meditation (though I was in too much pain to meditate at first). Fiction is great when it gets too painful and it's not a convenient time to go out. I just lose myself in someone else's life.

 

Also, stop feeling like you don't deserve her just because she was angry at a specific point in time. We all make mistakes. The great people are the ones who learn from them once it comes to their awareness! Get back into your confidence.

 

Ultimately it is up to her for now. That is such a feeling of powerlessness. However, in your case, I think it would be a good idea to talk about payment arrangements on the money owed. This will put you in a better light. Go to a great film, workout, do something that will put you in a great mood before you contact her about this so you don't sound all mopey. Put your head up high and know you deserve love. When people really love each other, the things you have talked about are FORGIVABLE.

 

Get her things that are in plain view in boxes, out of the way. They are hurting you too much right now. Ask her if she wants her things back.

 

She said she doesn't want to talk to you right now since she doesn't think it would help you move on, but the money and things would be worth a call. If you leave a message be specific about what you are calling about.

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Hey Guys,

 

It's me! TooLateTooGone is now Time2Shine!

 

Alright...well a little bit of an update i guess. I was going on 9 days of NC until yesterday when she contacted me. Now at the time she called I was in the bathroom and so when I got back I didn't even check my phone. Instead I went on my laptop where she then messaged me through facebook.

 

So she seemed really mad throughout the conversation and I was ok because my friends were there with me talking to her. She instantly went into talking about the money situation. So I told her that I would give her a fairly large sum of it tomorrow or asap and that I would start small monthly payments there after. She kinda seemed stunned in the length of time it took to respond. Even my friends noticed that...

 

During the contact even though it was through facebook she still seemed really mad. Like an uncontainable anger. It made me a little sad and my heart was racing throughout the entire conversation. Why is she so mad still? I don't get it! Its like she can't let go of it at all. Ugh...makes me wonder how good of an idea it would be to get back with her. She clearly still resents me and may actually hate me.

 

Anyway. Just wanted to let you guys in on what was going on...I should change the title of this thread. I don't know anymore guys...what do you guys think? Why is she so mad still? Do I now have to start over at day 1 with my NC? Should I block her from facebook and msn?

 

Ultimately I'm just very disappointed for the fact she is still angry...its kinda unbelievable. She used to be so nice and happy. I think this guy she hangs out with now who is known for always being angry and only making people more angry is feeding her.

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