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Ex-bf called after 2 wks NC and now am devastated: Advice please!


griponreality

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So my ex called after two weeks of NC to wish me Happy Birthday. He wanted to come to my birthday party if I was having one to show that we could be friends and have a good relationship in the future.

 

I am completely devastated by our conversation though. I have composed my feelings as a letter to my ex, which I have not sent. Instead I will post it here to get your feedback and advice. For those who don't know the situation, I posted earlier about how even though I ended our relationship because of cultural differences, I really was hoping he would come back etc.

 

Dear Ex,

I am really confused as to why you called today. I thought it was to actively participate in my life again. Are you really so over things that you're ready to be friends? To tell me all about the new girls you have dated without any of our old feelings stirred?

 

As our conversation neared the end, I couldn't help, but miss you. I wanted to see you. To hold you. To have a thousand more conversations. To think you could end the conversation, so easily and move forward with your life hurts me so much. I just can't do that.

 

Every day since we've parted, I waited for you to contact me. I hoped you would call. I hoped you would make this bad dream go away. I waited to hear you say you had made a mistake. That love is more than skin deep, and that maybe all of your current suffering without me made you re-evaluate your previous statements.

 

I waited for you to prove "our mutual friend" wrong, that white girls weren't "just for fun until they were ready for something more serious". Because spending every single day with someone, sharing the minute details of your life with someone, isn't "fun". That's beyond fun. That's building something.

 

I wish you could understand how much I opened my heart to you. I am very picky as to who to date, but when I finally pick someone, I am very loving.

 

You threw all of that away because I wasn't the right race.

 

And now you want to be my friend.

 

How do you think I could ever even trust you?

 

I am hurt and confused.

 

You said, ""Our mutual friend" has convinced me this is the right decision."

 

Shouldn't you know that on your own? "Our mutual friend" isn't a proxy for my feelings if you ever thought that. I would call her and tell her how much I missed you. How I wished you would call, and she would say, "Oh, I told him what you wanted was space."

 

I don't see how a third person should come between our relationship.

 

I wish you could say that you know it is the right decision. You know I am not the girl for you because you ultimately want to be with "insert preferred race here". Not a Caucasian girl. I want to hear that from you, so I can have closure and move on.

 

And when that happens, I never want to be your friend. I don't want to be friends with the guy who let me go. I am such a wonderful, loving person, and you threw that away over nothing, and I would never want someone who broke my heart and who just did it again tonight to be my friend.

 

I was hoping things could be more. I was waiting for you to fix things. Please give me the closure I need by confirming the fact you are a self-absorbed porn-addicted racist.

 

Why did you even call?

 

Sincerely,

Me.

 

Ok, advice? Feedback? I am pretty devastated, and at this point I am just hoping to go NC again and get back to where I was before. I had been feeling so much better and had really thought he wasn't coming back.

 

But I feel all my NC work has been WASTED by this contact. Now, I feel like I don't have closure. And he keeps thinking we're going to be friends, and I need him to get on board with NC too because it's really tough trying to resist answering calls from him etc.

 

Gawd, what a * * * * ing * * * * * * * . I hate him. I wish I could send him that letter, so he fully knows how I feel. Maybe I should... I don't know. That way we could really vent, get closure, and get to NC together, forever and forever!!! Ugh. Please help! What do you think I should do to keep moving forward, healing?

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Yeah, in the course of the conversation I told him I couldn't see him for my birthday. That I wasn't over things and couldn't handle it. I am so upset that all my good NC work has gone to waste and now I feel like it is the first day we broke up. Sadness sucks.

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Yeah, you're right. Silence is golden! Thx... I guess part of me wondered if there was some kind of ambiguity in his calling 2 wks into NC to be friends. If maybe there was something there. But I think he would have fought harder for me if he really wanted something instead of using crappy statements like, "She convinced me it was for the best." Well f*** u buddy! Stop calling! Thanks! For the best! Haha

 

That's why I wanted advice on whether to send parts of it. If maybe by being vunerable and really showing him how I feel could help him be more open about his feelings... guess not.

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Not all people view this "NC" stuff like posters here. Maybe he just wanted to patch things up? That letter got pretty emotionally violent and out of control, so yeah you probably shouldn't send it...

I'm not sure what there is to learn from not communicating with people in situations like this, but if it's your thing, then go for it. Also, didn't you say you ended the relationship or was that a mistype? I don't understand why you're angry at him if that's the case.

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what will make you feel better in the long run is being strong and showing him you have boundaries and that you're taking care of yourself.

 

That letter just says, "I'm so sad and fragile and vulnerable and you and what we had was soooooooo awesome even though you don't want to be with me for a superficial and mean reason, and if you knew that going in you strung me along and that's just cruel, but ok, i still loooooove you."

 

And a letter like that has never gotten you a) the respect you deserve (in fact, the guy usually comes away not respecting you) b) gotten you the guy back c) allowed you to feel strong and good about yourself - you'll probably feel the opposite.

 

So I suggest you don't send it. If he calls you again, let it go to voicemail. If he texts/emails, wait a good long while before you respond so you can clearly - and rationally - think about what to say.

 

And ask yourself, do you want to stay friends with someone who wouldn't date you just because you weren't the right race? Shouldn't he have known that going in, anyway? I mean, those things are pretty obvious...

 

No matter how much you love a man, he can never be your first priority. Your first priority has to be your self respect. And you need to take your power back in this situation so you can move on and feel good. Have boundaries; don't let him manipulate your emotions like this.

 

And no, he can't come to your birthday party. He didn't want you because you weren't the right race? There's the door, buddy. Don't let it hit you in the *** on the way out.

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4 days ago i just broke up with my girlfriend. It was also because of race/religion/culture.

 

And she was white and i was middle eastern.

 

My situation was different. I tried so hard to invite her to my world, in some ways i could, but on other ways id crumble under the pressure of my family's expectations.

 

There were area's where i was weak, and areas where she was weak. It was best to part ways.

 

But i too dealt with the complexity of feeling like im going to lose my culture by being with someone caucuasian. Im not the typical definition of racist but maybe deep down we all are?

 

I could shed some more light on this if you give me more details as to why this relationship ended. what race exactly was he? what sort of cultural/family pressure did he have to deal with? How long did this relationship last?

 

I'm sorry your hurting right now. I'd really reccomend picking up a self help book.

 

I was reccomended this one, even though i am a guy, apparently its a good read for both. I just ordered it and am going to see how it is

 

"It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy"

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ok, i just read your first post on the subject. so...you broke up with him and now you are mad at him because he agreed with the breakup and doesn't want to come back to you?

 

was this talk of breaking up something that you had hoped would go another way but backfired on you?

 

the kind of differences you speak of don't just change overnight. you also said there were a number of other reasons for you wonder if he was the one so what has changed now?

 

also it sounds like the cultural differences bothered you more than they did him (the way your post reads, you brought it up), and you couldn't expect him to make all kinds of accommodations for you in such a short time. you didn't give the relationship a chance to blossom.

 

if his beliefs are as hardcore as you say, then you were probably right in saying that the two of you would not be compatible in the long run. he does seem (to me) that he genuinely would have you as a friend, but you are obviously not in that place. i think you need to just stay nc and move on with healing from the relationship.

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