Should I Wait?!!

[nltsyc]

This was originally in a response to another post but I decided to start a new thread because I would really like to get some adivce on this.

 

I am a 23 yr old male in college. I have everyone I know convinced that I am straight and attracted to women. I have been attracted to men since highschool but have not told this to anyone.

 

I truly want to be involved with another man not only physically but emotionally as well and now I am starting to get worried that I am just going to end up alone forever because this charade of being straight has not given me any serious straight relationships and I have not had any gay ones because I haven't come out or pursued them.

 

Should I stay where I am until I meet a guy that I want to be with or should I just let it out that I am truly attracted to men.

 

I feel like like all the factors are against me: getting older, not being attractive. I have missed so much already what should I do?

[hexaemeron]

Being yourself is always the right answer. Let me ask you. With all the pain you're dragging around, do you think you'd be a positive partner for anyone right now? Probably not. You need to stop hurting yourself and you'll find ways to date at your speed and find someone to share your life with. Scouts honor.

[CaptainNapalm]

I think you should come out before waiting for that right guy to come along. I say this for several reasons. First, your chances of meeting a guy increase greatly when your friends and loved ones already know you're gay. For example, you can check out other guys while with your friends, friends can suggest guys for you, you can approach guys while in the comfort of your friends without feeling you're doing something out of place. Second, the anxiety is only going to build up, as I suspect it already is, if you continue to hold this in. This is the way you are so be yourself infront of others and you'll feel much better about yourself and your surroundings. Lastly, coming out when you've met someone might be a bit overwhelming. Not only would you have to go through the normal efforts of introducing your guy to your friends and family but you'd also have to be bringing them to terms with the news that you're gay. Do one thing at a time and you'll find it more manageable. As far as the getting old part, believe me you're not old, when I was in my early 20s I use to think that I'm getting older and all the negative things that come with it but now that I'm 30 I look back at when I was 23 and think I was such a kid back then. I don't even think that 40 is considered remotely old these days so don't worry about the age factor. Do things at your own pace. Good luck with it.

[nltsyc]

I get what you are saying about being a positive partner and I really understand that. But what good is it to come out and then just have the same situation with a guy instead of a girl. What if I do end up alone because of this inner conflict. Is that worth it? Is it really?

[nltsyc]

The anxiety is what is driving me to have to make this decision I guess. I don't know if I am tired of lying to myself, to others, or just being unhappy with who I am. I keep thinking that the longer I wait the "worse" it will be. Does that even make any sense?

[CaptainNapalm]

The anxiety is what is driving me to have to make this decision I guess. I don't know if I am tired of lying to myself, to others, or just being unhappy with who I am. I keep thinking that the longer I wait the "worse" it will be. Does that even make any sense?

 

Yeah that makes sense and you can probably expect that feeling to get worse. I don't think coming out is as horrible of a thing as you think it is.

[hexaemeron]

Yeah that makes sense and you can probably expect that feeling to get worse. I don't think coming out is as horrible of a thing as you think it is.

 

Oh, Cap. It was horrible. I met all kinds of great guys, lost 40 lbs, had about 1.6 metric tons of se---well, you get the idea. Just awful it was!

[nltsyc]

No I don't think it is horrible, but what then. I mean it'll be just like when I was pretending to be straight. Instead I will be gay and alone and not able to find someone. So I just have a really hard time with that. I don't know why. I just want to be who I am and move on with life.

[hexaemeron]

You have to be happy with who you are and be able to be alone and content in your life before you'll be a good partner and be able to find a relationship that works for you. They're not a miracle tonic that fix everything in your life. They amplify and intensify what you feel already in your life.

[nltsyc]

How do I be happy with who I am, when I don't know what that is. I mean I know I cannot be a good partner in this frame of mind. I get that, but how do I get unstuck with this. I know I am a good person who is strong and caring for others, but I just can't move forward.

 

I don't want a miracle tonic to fix everything. I just want to be me and I know no one else can tell me who that is.

[hexaemeron]

No one can tell you. You have to go out into life and try new things. Meet people. Make mistakes. Learn from them. It's wonderful and messy and horrible and awesome. You're missing that because you're holding yourself in stasis. Get out there and find your answers

[nltsyc]

Lol I love how you make that sound so casually easy, but thank you.

[hexaemeron]

Lol I love how you make that sound so casually easy, but thank you.

 

I never said it was easy. Necessary, yes. Easy... It's as easy as we let it be for ourselves. That's part of letting go. Sometimes you just have to say "I don't give a F anymore!" and do your thing.

[CaptainNapalm]

You have to be happy with who you are and be able to be alone and content in your life before you'll be a good partner and be able to find a relationship that works for you. They're not a miracle tonic that fix everything in your life. They amplify and intensify what you feel already in your life.

 

I agree with this completely. Same can be said in opposite, if you're a miserable individual, with issues, and unhappy alone, a relationship can often make you feel worse about yourself because ultimately, more often than not, you'll create an unhealthy relationship. A healthy relationship almost always requires two healthy individuals.

[nltsyc]

I never said it was easy. Necessary, yes. Easy... It's as easy as we let it be for ourselves. That's part of letting go. Sometimes you just have to say "I don't give a F anymore!" and do your thing.

 

I want that I really do, but that is so different from what I normally do. I always stop take time to think, weight the options. I know it hasn;t gotten me very much so far.

 

I agree with this completely. Same can be said in opposite, if you're a miserable individual, with issues, and unhappy alone, a relationship can often make you feel worse about yourself because ultimately, more often than not, you'll create an unhealthy relationship. A healthy relationship almost always requires two healthy individuals.

 

I know that I probably wouldn't be able to have a healthy reltionship right now just because I am not comfortable with myself and I wouldn't want to pull someone else down so I simply wouldn't get into a relationship. Then it would just start it all over again. I think you two are right that I must first be happy being alone and being myself.

 

I know that I need to just get out there and try new stuff and say "F It" but how do I learn to be happy alone?

[hexaemeron]

Coming out and making some friends or casual dates would be a great start. Think of things in terms of investing in yourself. Take a class. Get thee to the gym vanything that gets you in social situations and will elevate your self worth.

[CaptainNapalm]

When I was in a rut I always found going to the gym did wonders for me. It helped me relieve daily accumulated stress and improved my appearance as a bonus. There is a good exercise you can do for yourself that worked for me. Take some time and think about who you'd want to be. Picture yourself where you'd want to be at in say two years from now. Imagine your best self and how you would like your life to look. Be realistic but optimistic in your exercise. Once you agree on that vision then come up with a plan on how to get there. Trust me anything is possible. Then take steps on achieving your goal. Don't take big steps but small ones and many. Small steps/obstacles are hard to fail. Before you know it you'll be half way there and feeling much better about yourself and whatever you do, stick to your life plan. Also, surround yourself with healthy people and if need be meet new people that make you happy. Support from others is important.

[nltsyc]

Ok, I think I might tell one of my closer friends in the next few weeks. I am definitely going to try to get out and make changes to myself and try new things.

 

I really like the idea of "investing in yourself". It gives me a different perspective on certain things.

 

It will take some time to come up with a picture of myself that I can believe in, but I am really going to give it a shot.

[hexaemeron]

Ok, I think I might tell one of my closer friends in the next few weeks. I am definitely going to try to get out and make changes to myself and try new things.

 

I really like the idea of "investing in yourself". It gives me a different perspective on certain things.

 

It will take some time to come up with a picture of myself that I can believe in, but I am really going to give it a shot.

 

Keep us posted on how it's going!

[nltsyc]

I will. Thank you both for the advice.

[mdog]

ok coming from a younger guy..i came out when i was young at about 16 in highschool. Being gay is more accepting than most think. Im now 19 years old and pretty much everyone knows. Just tell one person at a time. Tell someone that is your closest friend. Someone you could trust. (if you any friends that are girls tell them they are easier to tell them) Guys? they are a little harder to tell them because they automatically think that you like them (which is not always the case). The guy im dating now told his whole family when we started dating and he told them that he was gay as well. (it was actually better than he thought) I think coming out to close friends will help. I mean a lot of weight goes off your shoulders because you can just be yourself. And they could possibly get you a date (because they might know someone who could be gay) So, yeah coming out helps because if you don't come out no one will know that you are gay.

[renegade43]

It sounds like youre just scared. I'm in a similar position, and trust me, it can be hell sometimes. But, you have to start small. Find a friend you can trust and tell them first. If that goes well, tell someone else, and so on. As far as telling your parents, you are the only person who knows their morals, etc. If you are that worried about it, tell them once you arent financially connected to them anymore...if they are helping you with school, etc.

 

You could start looking around for gay friends, people who you could spend time with who could tell you about their experiences. Just make sure you be who you are. Don't let anyone tell you you have to talk or dress differently to be gay.