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Neediness and Insecurity


1carus

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A recurring theme in all of my relationships with women is that I am a very needy person and need constant validation. This has yielded disastrous results, causing me to waste much time with someone I did not particularly like, because they were constantly validating me and "addicted" to me. I wanted to use that particular term to show how unhealthy I think those relationships are. With women I actually have a good time with, I am just so insecure and needy and draw false conclusions. For example, I have been dating someone recently who is very sick with the flu. She also has a lot on her plate in terms of her studies too. She has not been super friendly to me (like she had been) when we talked all the time and went out, etc. But also, I telling her how sorry I am that she feels bad and for her to let me know if I can do anything. The first few times she told me I was being sweet, etc. but now I realize that I kept seeking validation. I want her to need me but I realize how terrible and unhealthy that is. I know it is an extension of my own insecurities, but I don't want to push another person away like I have so many others. Does anyone have any advice on how to just accept that someone enjoys being with you, even though they don't CONSTANTLY verbalize it? I don't want to be the center of someone else's universe, that just isn't right, but I can't convince myself of that. I just don't know what to do, because I have been pushing her away and being way too needy and I know she needs her space because we just started seeing each other! Furthermore, I have a trip planned in a few days and I will not see her for a week. Thank you!

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Put a rubber band on your wrist. Every time you're tempted to call her, thump it. Or put a bright sticker on your phone to remind you to slow down and decide if you really need to call her this time. Take her phone number out of your direct calling so you have to slow down to get to her number.

 

The real issue, of course, is you. So what are you doing to work on your self esteem? Books? Therapy? Workbooks? Signing up for things to do that boost your ego like a rock climbing class or dance class or something? What have you done to block out time where you are spending it with GUYS, so that you are not so available?

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I am the sort of person who gets upset when guys ditch their friends to do things with their girlfriends, but I get attached to people very quickly and ditch MY friends (which is offputting for everyone). I already took the phone number out. I think the problem is that I can't take anything slowly, because it consumes me! This woman specifically told me we needed to take it slow and she needs her space. Did I already blow it by being so offputting and needy? She called me sunday to hang out and we chatted yesterday (she initiated). But I kept telling her how sorry I was she was sick etc. which is probably bothersome.

I am exercising a lot more and trying to focus on my studies more.

I am going on a trip to Mexico n with 3 guy friends of mine next week which should be good.

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Dude, we're on the same page as far as the neediness and insecurities are concerned. I have a thread that I started a couple a days ago about the girl I'm seeing now. It turns out I was severely overreacting because I wanted her to tell me over and over again that she does in fact like me as more than a friend. We only brought it up once or twice, so most of it was self-torture.

 

Don't try to have the world all at once. It sounds like she kind of digs you, so I don't think you should worry about it. Try your best to just enjoy the ride one day at a time.

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Does anyone have any advice on how to just accept that someone enjoys being with you, even though they don't CONSTANTLY verbalize it?

 

This woman specifically told me we needed to take it slow and she needs her space. Did I already blow it by being so offputting and needy? She called me sunday to hang out and we chatted yesterday (she initiated). But I kept telling her how sorry I was she was sick etc. which is probably bothersome.

.

 

OK, so you're having these needy feelings. I can relate because I'm feeling the same thing (had nearly a full blown anxiety attack this weekend when my b/f and I went our separate ways back home after nearly two days together; started over-analyzing everything and doubting myself, blah blah blah, nearly drove myself mad).

 

Know that this is "awful-izing" behavior on your part and --- if this woman initiated the phone call to you, she can't be that put off by you -- right?

 

You may be feeling desperate at times or anxious/insecure; but if you can keep those feelings to yourself rather than projecting them in a way she is able to detect, then that will be half the battle ... at least until you can get yourself to the point where you can eliminate the anxiety altogether.

 

Above all, first and foremost, don't make your problem *her problem.* Keep it to yourself, freak out quietly in private, come here and vent, do whatever you have to do so that you don't start venting your insecurities onto her. That is what I am trying to do right now until I can get a handle on my emotions...

 

Anyway it is a less than perfect solution, but it's my .02. Good luck....

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Dude, we're on the same page as far as the neediness and insecurities are concerned. I have a thread that I started a couple a days ago about the girl I'm seeing now. It turns out I was severely overreacting because I wanted her to tell me over and over again that she does in fact like me as more than a friend. We only brought it up once or twice, so most of it was self-torture.

 

Don't try to have the world all at once. It sounds like she kind of digs you, so I don't think you should worry about it. Try your best to just enjoy the ride one day at a time.

 

OK, so you're having these needy feelings. I can relate because I'm feeling the same thing (had nearly a full blown anxiety attack this weekend when my b/f and I went our separate ways back home after nearly two days together; started over-analyzing everything and doubting myself, blah blah blah, nearly drove myself mad).

 

Know that this is "awful-izing" behavior on your part and --- if this woman initiated the phone call to you, she can't be that put off by you -- right?

 

You may be feeling desperate at times or anxious/insecure; but if you can keep those feelings to yourself rather than projecting them in a way she is able to detect, then that will be half the battle ... at least until you can get yourself to the point where you can eliminate the anxiety altogether.

 

Above all, first and foremost, don't make your problem *her problem.* Keep it to yourself, freak out quietly in private, come here and vent, do whatever you have to do so that you don't start venting your insecurities onto her. That is what I am trying to do right now until I can get a handle on my emotions...

 

Anyway it is a less than perfect solution, but it's my .02. Good luck....

 

Thanks everyone! This site does provide a great vent for people and makes me feel better that I am not alone in my thought process!

I try to keep this "crazy" side of myself to myself for a while, but it is manifesting itself. I need to just relax and project confidence. And the real kicker to the entire situation is that she is VERY VERY sick with the flu and other things and stressed. However, I took her quietness and stress as she hates me. Mutual friends just told me I was being crazy and it was all in my head.

 

I just want to stop this cycle once and for all, because I always do this with girls. I play all these stupid games in my head and with them and they eventually get sick of it. Then I have something to complain about, which is really terrible. I am afraid of commitment and almost afraid of a chance of being in a healthy/happy situation, because it is something unknown.

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Thank you all again.

 

The other problem is, she has been very terse when talking to me. We have texted a bit, but nothing flirty (granted she got even sicker). I guess I am still interpreting her seemingly apathy to that she isn't that interested, but when she wasn't sick she was. So I am going on a trip (Spring Break) and we haven't had any relationship defining talks, but she is the only person I am interested in? Ladies, if this was you in the situation and I was hooking up (and not sex) with other girls would this be a problem?

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