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Guy I dated for a short time wants to get back together! Should I give him a chance?


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I have a “dating journal” on the “dating” section, but I think some of the psychology of this scenario could make more sense in the getting back together forum.

 

I met this guy about 1 year ago, when I was just recovering from a tough break-up with a LTR (3 years) ex.

 

Here is what I posted about our “history” on my dating journal a few months ago.

 

“I met J in March, at a mutual friend’s house. One of my best girl friends was dating one of his friends. He had lived in the US for years and his friends were international. My friend told me that in the group there was this American guy, J, who was exactly my type. I've always had a weakness for Americans, and he had just moved to Brazil after finishing his MBA at MY dream school. I was studying to apply to business school - one of the reasons I wanted to break-up with my ex in the first place: I wanted to study abroad.

 

So when I saw J, my friend had already talked to me about him. However, I was definitely not expecting the guy I met on that mundane Saturday.

 

J was the hottest guy I've ever seen. He had the prettiest smile, the most gorgeous blonde hair and the deepest blue eyes. There weren't a lot of people in the house; we were watching a Brazil soccer game. I am very outgoing and fairly confident, so I started a conversation with J very easily.

 

There was an OBVIOUS spark between us. We talked for 2 hours, non-stop. He told me about his school, the MBA program, the people, how he would LOVE to help me with my applications. We also talked about values, life, marriage... we had such a similar outlook on life.

 

I was completely in love at first sight, even though I know it was not real love, but just completely infatuated.

 

In the end of the day, however, he had to leave. His girlfriend was picking him up. Yes. He had started dating a Brazilian girl a few weeks before I met him. I couldn't help but quote Alanis: "It's like meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife. Isn't it ironic?".

 

He gave me his business card and we exchanged e-mails, after all, he was passionate about his business school and wanted to help me with my applications. We went to dinner 2 weeks later and although he didn't flirt with me, there was some obvious tension. We talked about school.

 

I left the restaurant with the certainty that I could not see him again. It was the most frustrating situation ever. My dream guy, but he had a girlfriend. He is 30, she's 28, and they’d probably get married.

 

Although we did exchange e-mails and texts occasionally, we didn't see each other anymore.

 

Until that day, in August, when I was really upset about a failed dating experience. He texted me at 3am asking where I was, and said he'd been thinking about me. I was surprised, I mean, we had randomly talked a week before and I asked him if he was still in a relationship and he told me he was. He had never texted me anything flirty.

 

I replied on the morning and he wanted to see me. He asked me out to dinner and I asked if I should bring people, or if it was just us. He said that I could bring people but it could be just us. I took that as a sign that he was definitely single.

 

I could not believe what was happening. I never expected a chance, a real shot with this guy, EVER. I was pretty sure he was going to marry his girlfriend since marriage seemed on his plans when we used to talk.

 

I picked him up at a party, his ex was there. He had just broken up with her 2-3 days before. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy because he was semi-heartbroken and upset that his relationship didn’t work.

 

We had a great night that day, we kissed, he told me how he’d always wanted to be with me – since the first day we met. The next day, I got him books and a movie and we watched it over his place. We had a GREAT time. A lot of chemistry. I was on cloud nine. I’ve never felt the way I felt about him in SO little time. Everyone at ENA told me I got attached too quickly. I know I did.

 

I was an anxious wreck 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. He was my dream guy and I felt like if I did anything wrong, I’d lose the most perfect guy ever. I tend to put people on a pedestal.

 

For the first 3 weeks, things were good. He would call/text, we’d meet up 1 or 2 days a week. He wanted to take things slow since he had just gotten out of a serious relationship. I understood.

 

On the last week we were together, things had become cold. I slept over his house one day, no sex just cuddling/making out, and after that things went colder. On the next week, I invited him to a concert and he did go. The concert was AMAZING and it seemed like we were back in pretty good terms. I was in love, and he seemed pretty passionate about me.

 

On the next day I went to eat pizza with a friend and I saw him with another girl. I freaked out. Ok, we weren’t exclusive, but I wasn’t expecting him to be dating other people. For some reason, it never crossed my mind. I thought he was still in contact with his ex and having me was enough. Clearly, I was wrong.

 

We talked on the next day and he said he was dating both of us. I felt hurt. The girl knew my best friend and sent her a facebook message to ask her how she knew him. (we went up to him to say hi on the pizza place). My friend told her the truth, that he had been seeing her best friend. The girl was REALLY upset, as was I, and well, J was put in a bad situation. He called me, apologized; I said I didn’t want to continue seeing him. He didn’t seem ready to stop seeing the other girl anyways.

 

It was hard for me. But not as hard as I thought it would be. I mean, to tell the truth I always knew I was too crazy about him; I put him on too much of a pedestal that I couldn’t relax and this would not workout.

 

He told me I was too driven and a type A and that although he’d probably marry a girl like me, he wanted to have some fun right now and wasn’t ready to be the person I needed him to be. The other girl was a completely carefree artist, who was also seeing other people. For all I know, they are together now. We haven’t talked and he deleted me off facebook (as per her request, I assume). We've e-mailed a few times to check up on eachother, but I’ve tried to keep my distance.

 

This was hard as I felt like he chose someone else over me. I was SO willing to do everything for him, to make him happy, but well, it wasn’t enough.”

 

 

After this, I started dating someone else who I was pretty into and felt much more “normal” towards. After about 1 month, the relationship also didn’t workout.

 

Near Christmas, J and I started speaking again. I had broken up with my bf and he had broken up with his gf (artist girl). We decided to meet up to catch up. It was quite a weird encounter but slowly it felt easy and like “us” again. He apologized for what happened, said the artist girl had NOTHING in common with him, but after his break-up with his ex he just needed something less serious and just to have other experiences. We were both kind of down that day. We have had a year full of failed relationships and couldn’t wait for 2009 to be over. There wasn’t any flirting but we hugged good-bye and it was obviously really good to see him again.

 

We both went away for x-mas and new years and he would casually text me. When we got back, we started hanging out again. We went to dinner and had the best time EVER together. It was great, we were both super happy and positive about the New Years, we laughed and had a really special time together. He did tell me I looked beautiful a couple of times, asked if I was dating someone, but I still didn’t think much of it.

 

On the next Saturday we went to the movies together. He got us tickets for Avatar. He held my held throughout the whole movie, but we still didn’t kiss. I dropped him at home and went to a party with friends. He texted me saying I looked beautiful.

 

On the next week we went out to a bar and a club with our friends. In the end of the night, we danced, kissed, and ended up at his house. We made out, and he asked me to sleepover. We didn’t have sex but I did sleepover. He said that it was amazing how well we got along, etc…

 

After that, it was Carnival break in Brazil. That’s 1 week of hardcore partying and I went to Punta with my family and he went to a beach town in the south (full of models) with his friends. He didn’t text me at all and I met another guy right before Carnival, who did text me even though he was also partying in Rio.

 

When I got back, I was very upset with J because after I had slept over, he barely contacted me at all. It was clear to me that he wasn’t into me and this time, I didn’t have him in such a pedestal anymore so it didn’t hurt nearly as much. Plus, I was excited about new guys.

 

1 week after Carnival we went out and this weekend we spent a lot of time together. We went to a club with friends with Saturday and I randomly met J there. I had deleted J from my bbm because I just wanted him out of my life for good.

 

Post from my journal of what happened this Saturday at the club:

 

“OMG what an unexpected night! I'm still SO shocked by what happened!!

 

So things between F and I are nice. I'm still uncertain about him since everything you guys said were so negative and I've become insecure. BUT, we've been spending the weekend together.

 

Today we met at around 4pm at a bar... we stayed there until about 9, he went to dinner with my best friend and I... then we went to his friend's house to pre-game and went to a club. Now F is NOT the clingy type. He is sweet and adorable to me, but he's not over me 100% of the time. It's like, if I get close to him, he'll hug me, kiss me, but he doesn't suffocate me all the time. He likes to be with his friends and to dance and have fun. During dinner when it was just us and my friend, he was super affectionate. But during the pre-game, he'd mingle with everyone and then come offer me a drink, give me a kiss, etc... This doesn't bother me that much because I'm pretty easygoing and like my space too. But of course, at times I do wish he had given a little more attention.

 

So when we get to the club I'm in the "I want more attention" mode and who do I see??? J!! Gosh, I was so shocked. There are over 10 hotspots in town and there he was. When he saw me he was literally all over me, hugging me and being super affectionate. I was shaking. Literally. My heart was beating SO fast and I felt so in love with him and like F and I were not that compatible and bla bla. But then my friend was like, "M, you are here with F, let go of J". And of course I did. I told J was there with someone else and he freaked out! He was SO jealous. He was like, "I can't believe you are here with this loser. Actually, I'm sorry, good luck with him". And F is just SO ridiculously easygoing that he would just leave me and hang with his friends and dance... and J would come and try to literally kiss me. It was SO awkward but at the same time I felt so bad to be in that situation.

 

I told F about it and he looked around and J was staring at us and he was like, "Hey bro, are you ok?" And J was literally going to fight him but F was just, hey, look chill, no worries let's have a drink and bla bla. Seriously, F is such a great, laidback, good guy. A lot of guys would have been like "What do you want? Get the eff out of here, bla bla" but F just wanted J to calm down and relax.

 

As the night progressed and F and I grew closer I started realizing that I wasn't going to fall for J's jealousy and ruin something that was good. Maybe F was not as hot or dreamy or perfect as J, but I was having so much fun with him that I finally told J to just leave me alone. It was horrible because I have such a weak spot for this guy.

 

I was like, "Why are you being such a jerk? Why are you doing this? You don't even like me..." and he was like, "You think I don't like you? Do you know how long it's been since I feel this strongly about seeing a girl with someone else?". It literally killed me to not be with J but in the end it felt like I had done the best thing. He kept texting me: “Can I see you, please”. “I really want to be with you, is it possible?”. I ignored him.

 

The last 2 hours of the club was amazing. F and I were dancing, singing, being together... And I felt horrible for J because he got drunk, was literally stalking us and then started kissing a girl in front of us and I literally didn't care.

 

Anyways, I dropped F home, we had a double expresso and sat on the couch and talked and laughed and hugged... It was great. Like, for a moment when I was with J and seeing him so jealous and F so distant I was SURE F and I weren't going to work at all... but in the end, things felt great... Better than ever with F.

 

I don't know what's going to happen to me because after J's reaction, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to just forget about it and move on. I've never seen someone so jealous and hurt over me. NEVER. I never thought I'd see J like that... It probably will make me a little softer realizing that yes, he does have some sort of feelings for me, right??”

 

And on the next morning J bbmed me. Part of the long convo:

 

J: Why did you delete me from BBM?

M: Because I’m seeing someone else and I don’t want to talk to you. But are you ok? You were in a bad shape yesterday.

J: I’m better yes. I remember trying to kiss you last night, but you wouldn’t have it.

M: I wouldn’t.

J: So I can’t kiss you?

M: Not anymore !

J: Really!

M: why so surprised?

J: Because I love you

M: Haha

M: Don't be a jerk

J: Well I have a huge soft spot for you

J: And you looked beautiful last night

M: But you are the most typical guy in the world

M: Only want me when you can't have

J: Oh thanks

M: I've always wanted to be with you, try to be good for you and make you happy!

M: And you never gave me the chance

J: Damn

M: Yep

J: Yeah I really like you but I understand

M: I know you do!

J: You know I like you?

M: I know you like me as a friend

J: More than that!

M: As a casual hookup buddy as well

J: No!

M: You were prettty jealous last night. It was kind of cute and it did seen like your feelings were a little more than just a hookup buddy

J: Of course

M: But look, you think I'm great, special, and its horrible to see me not be there for you whenever

M: But we would never workout

J: Really!

M: You sabotage relationships that could potentially work for you

J: That may be true

M: It is

M: Try to give the next nice girl a chance

J: Ok

J: That makes me sad

M: Why sad

J: Cause it does

M: Should make you happy

J: What should

J: That I sabotage

M: that you did but you'll try to be better next time with the next girl

M: We learn from our mistakes

J: I know I will

J: So I can't kiss you the next time I see you

M: Not really

M: Its not like we are going to see eachother

J: Ill try though

M: Lol its not like we'll randomly bump into eachother

M: Yesterday was a coincidence

J: Yeah we will

J: Well we'll bump into each other when we call each other

M: You never call me!! I'm always calling you

M: Well, I was

M: Not anymore

J: Ill call you

M: Well I'm with someone else now

M: Maybe if we don't workout

J: Let's do something tonight

J: Ok

M: But what if we end up getting married!

M: Me and this guy

J: Yes

J: Oh. Me and you

M: Why don't you give artist girl and your ex chance? You clearly liked both of them more than you liked me

J: That's not true

M: Oh shut upp

M: Lol

M: You sooo did

M: I was so in love with you and you chose artist girl!!

J: Not true

J: You were in love with me. Let's get married

M: I wasss

M: And you told me we didn't have chemistry

M: And that I was too a-type for you

J: Ok what are we doing tonight

M: Broke my heart!

J: You are type a!

M: Yes

J: So what do you want to do tonight

M: And you like type b’s

J: Oh

J: I like type M

M: Not seeing you tonight

J: Cmon

M: You alwaysss blew me off

M: I was always like your third option

M: Now I have someone who might treat me as a priority

J: That's nice.

M: Yess

J: I hope you like him

M: I'm not sure yet

M: Its too earl

M: Early*

J: Funny how girls are

M: How so?

J: They go out with someone without knowing if they like them

J: If a guy goes out with you he likes you

M: Not all of them

J: that's true of me. I will never lie

M: Well then let's be honest here

J: Ok.

M: Do you think you could ever be a good boyfriend to me?

J: Yes

M: I reallly don't think so

M: What made you realize that?

J: Ok well thanks

J: I just did

M: No seriously

M: On paper I think we could be perfect together

J: That's the way it works

J: Yep

J: And in real life.

J: Give us a chance

M: I don’t believe you, when I did you didn’t.

J: That’s true and it’s how life works but we are going to workout, you’ll see

J: I’m going to leave you alone and wish you good luck with that guy, but I like you a lot and if you still believe in us, let me know

 

 

Ok, now, I don't know what to do. Everyone says he's playing me, but he's a grown man, he has never really said anything like that before. Never opened up like this before. Also, I have no idea if things will work out with F. I've only known him for 1 month. I don't know how promising is our relationship. We've only been out 3 times.

 

I'm so confused.

 

The truth is, I can't stop thinking about J and that it might be too late if I try with F before giving J and I a chance.

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I'm telling you: J has "Wannabe Player" written all over him, then "Wannabe Player" written on all the "Wannabe Player"s.

 

The future You would kick your ass right now, for having given this any further consideration.

Despite all the advice you've gotten, and by your own admission that it's warped, I'm not sure what to tell you. Only that he has your emotions hostage, like reigns to a horse, and it's time you retake them for yourself.

 

This is an absolutely critical period, and you don't want it to be the one scar you will lament in five plus years, made more lamentable because it could have been prevented.

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My situation is like yours but we switched roles. We dated for a few months but we had some lose ends with the ex's so we decided to call it quits. A few years past and back in dec we ended up contacting each other. Gave it another chance, it went well for 2months, last month was iffy, today she drop the bomb on me, with some lame excuse.

My advice? Don't do it.

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Thanks guys.

 

I know you all are probably right and so far, I've been resisting his advances. He's been asking me out to talk, bla bla. But so far, I've been good.

 

The thing is though, you guys don't know J. It might seem like he's a player from what I write about him, but it's not as black and white you know? People have flaws, insecurities, etc... that make them act a specific way.

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From that conversation it sounds like he is playing you. I had convo's like that with guys & they turned out to be dogs on top of that he already proved to you how much he really liked you by going with the artist girl. I think its a case of "you want what you cant have" and he can't believe you would pick someone else over him. Its brusing his ego. I would stay away from him and continue your relationship with F.

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