Intimidation and men...

[XxJustMexX]

Question for the guys... Let's say you're in your early 20's, just starting your life, a bit down on your luck, no job, no car... basically at the bottom of the pit and are struggling to find your way back up. Your ego's bruised and along comes a woman a couple years older with her head on her shoulders... nice car, great career, etc... (Yes, we are talking about me here...)

 

Does being around her intimidate you and make you feel like less of a man? Does this bruise your ego even more?

 

I ask because I met a guy who's a bit down on his luck but I can tell he's a good guy. He seems to have a bit of a bruised ego and a bit of pride. (He refuses to get unemployment as he feels it's a handout...) I'm a couple of years older than him, but I've got it all already. 10 years into a career, great job, nice car, etc... When I met this guy, it was at a bar with some friends, he's a mutual friend of my friend. I ended up buying him dinner and it seemed he was a bit embarassed by it. To me, money's never an issue and I'm always treating my friends to a drink or dinner or something... no biggie. But I think he feels as if he owes me something now.

 

The reason I ask is even though he asked for my number the first time we met, (we've met up twice at the bar with friends) he's never called me aside from the first night when he called to make sure I got home ok. Besides that, he's never called me. (This was only last week though so I might be jumping the gun...) I thought he was interested as both times he did seem interested but he seemed a little nervous the last time. I kind of feel as if he doesn't want to call me, because he doesn't have the money to follow through on going out with me... Do guys feel like this?

 

I'm the type of woman to go out and get what I want when I want it, so I can easily just call him up but my friend said something to me last week that got me all paranoid... She told me to let him chase me and don't call him because I'll look desperate. I've never been the type to "play by the rules" and usually just do what comes into mind... if I feel like picking up the phone, I'll pick up the phone... ya know? But when she said that it kind of made me feel self conscious... I'm not a go-getter type that's cocky or anything... I just have that I don't care attitude sometimes... I guess it's a result from past experiences... and a hint of pride...

 

Anyway, so ya... guys, do women with "more" than you intimidate you? Does your ego hurt if you're around women that are a bit further along in life than you? I'm kind of thinking that's what's up here... or maybe he's just not interested... I dunno... but he did seem like he was interested both times...

[guynextdoor]

I wouldn't be intimidated at all. She works hard to get to where she is at and if I'm down on my luck then its just a temporary and I'll bounce right back. To be honest I would be pretty darn proud of her for succeeding in life. I wouldn't take advantage of the situation tho, probably find other plans that doesn't require a lot of money or any money.

[CaptainNapalm]

I'm not that guy, but assuming I would be, I think that it would affect me negatively to some degree. As much as I want to say it wouldn't I think it surely would. Seeing this successful woman would be a constant reminder of how better off she is than me. But ultimately I think it would turn into a positive experience as it would probably give me motivation to do better in life.

[DylanNotorious]

Yes If I had nothing I would be intimidated. I would feel like I'm not in your league. I would feel like I had nothing to offer you if I was down on my luck.

 

He probably just feels embarrassed that he has no job and no car, he can't just come and pick you up on a whim, or take you out whenever so this is probably what's going on in his mind, that your better than him (not your fault tho).

[XxJustMexX]

OK, thanks guys... So what's the best way to go about this? I've been hesitant to call him, as like I said, my friend made me really paranoid when she said it would look desperate. Before she made that comment I was more the type to not play by these rules but her comment honestly made me feel really self conscious... I might see him at the bar tomorrow night again. I have a couple of hours to spare before I meet up with my friends after work, so I was thinking of calling him up and seeing if he wanted to get dinner before the bar, but then again, I don't want to make him feel inadequate again by buying him dinner if he doesn't have the money... I feel stuck... Like I want to get to know him more, but feel like anything we do would just make him feel inadequate and bruise his ego since he's jobless and can't really afford to go out right now.

[DylanNotorious]

Well I would wait for him to call you. Since he does have your number and has proven he's not shy to call you (he has called you once before) I would really leave it up to him. I know you really want to call him, but you might just have to sit back a little and wait for him to call you. He knows your interested because you have shown all the interest of an interested woman lol.

[XxJustMexX]

Well I would wait for him to call you. Since he does have your number and has proven he's not shy to call you (he has called you once before) I would really leave it up to him. I know you really want to call him, but you might just have to sit back a little and wait for him to call you. He knows your interested because you have shown all the interest of an interested woman lol.

 

Ya... that's kind of what I've been doing. But you know how impatient people get. lol. I dunno... I guess it sucks "waiting" cuz I'm usually the go-getter type and the only reason I haven't called is because of that comment my friend said. Unbelievable how one comment from a friend can make you second think your strategies... lol. Being the aggressive type has always worked for me though so I don't know why I'm letting her comment bother me. Oh well... I guess I'll see tomorrow.

[guynextdoor]

You already made the move, showed interests and gave him your number. Ball is in his court, he needs to swallow his pride and contact you. You done more than your fair share showing your interest.

[Blsmith007]

Imma throw out another idea from someone in a similar situation. I currently am unemployed and trying to get my career and life back to where it was. I recently became single myself 5 months ago and I haven't pursued anyone because I am trying to focus on myself and getting things straight in my life before starting a relationship, which this guy could be doing too. I don't see myself being ready for a relationship or dating til then. And like another poster said, I know I will bounce right back and get to where my goals are, so he might be trying to do the same thing. Just an idea though and my 2 cents.....

[Juxtapoz]

OP, I'm similar to you I think. I don't usually play by any "rules" and what I have, I share.

 

I think you should bump into him "by accident", at the bar or wherever you know he'll be. If he's at the bar to begin with then he's at least got some cash to buy himself a drink, presumably. Hang out, chit chat for a bit, but don't buy him anything as it might intimidate him more. Find out about his interests that don't involve a lot of cash (does he like to cook? walk? drink coffee, etc) and then maybe you guys can arrange something like that to where he might feel more comfortable?

 

just a suggestion.

[Organs]

I'd probably be a little intimidated. Not so much out of male pride, but because when you're down and someone else is up, it affects your self esteem. Especially if I'm the older one and she's younger!

[XxJustMexX]

I'd probably be a little intimidated. Not so much out of male pride, but because when you're down and someone else is up, it affects your self esteem. Especially if I'm the older one and she's younger!

 

Well in this case, he's actually about 3 years younger than me... Which is why I feel I'm a bit intimidating to him... Not only because of the material factors, but a bit on the "dating experience" factor as well... I'm also a fairly open and confident person, and I know it shows when I talk to people. I sometimes feel that's intimidating to men... I'm not stuck up or anything, I just don't let things bother me... and if it does, I'm pretty good at hiding it so I guess in a way it makes me look a bit cold.

 

I hadn't mentioned in the first post, but we did hook up a bit on the first night but we were both REALLY drunk... Neither one of us acted any different when we saw each other again a couple days later. If anything, it felt like he was trying to approach me all night, but was nervous about it... And actually, it was me who kept trying to act nonchalant and kind of ignore him the rest of that night as to not look like I'm throwing myself at him... I'm thinking that may have given the impression that I'm not into him... That was kind of due to advice from my friend... which apparently I shouldn't take anymore... That was completely my bad...

[DaBladeRoden]

I usually expect the woman to have a better career than me nowadays. In fact, it almost feels weird if they don't.

[unstuck]

Men base alot of their value on their career-job, and income, and when your struggling its very hard on the ego. Many losers/players thrive on finding women that are doing well and can support them, but a real man will feel somewhat intimidated by a woman who is doing well, and thats just because of the role that society has place on us. Although many women are not gold diggers they still want the security of a successful man, and we KNOW this. If you like the guy and do not judge him by his present situation then by all means go after him, dont show pity but let him know you like him for him, ANY guy would be thrilled to meet a girl like you.

[XxJustMexX]

Men base alot of their value on their career-job, and income, and when your struggling its very hard on the ego. Many losers/players thrive on finding women that are doing well and can support them, but a real man will feel somewhat intimidated by a woman who is doing well, and thats just because of the role that society has place on us. Although many women are not gold diggers they still want the security of a successful man, and we KNOW this. If you like the guy and do not judge him by his present situation then by all means go after him, dont show pity but let him know you like him for him, ANY guy would be thrilled to meet a girl like you.

 

Thanks unstuck. (And by the way, LOVE the signature...) I've never been the kind to how should I say... dig for gold. lol. I can find my own gold, which is probably why I feel a bit intimidating to some people. I have been told before that I'm more like the guy in a relationship due to being able to control my own finances, goals, etc. without having to depend on a man to do it for me. This gives people (some friends and family) the impression that I go out looking for the losers... when it's not that at all. I just don't look at the financial status of a man to make my decision on whether I like him or not... It's all about how I'm treated. My recent ex treated me like a queen, but was laid off six months ago so I took care of the finances the last 6 months... To most people, it looks like I was "taking care of him" or he was using me, but to me, I know people go through bad times... I guess I'm a bit too understanding...

[DaBladeRoden]

*feels skipped over for quoting*

[XxJustMexX]

I usually expect the woman to have a better career than me nowadays. In fact, it almost feels weird if they don't.

 

*hugs* So you won't feel left out. hehe.

 

Well here in Cali where I live, it's seriously easy to overlook the not having a job thing... Being as 1 in 6 people are unemployed, it's kind of useless to use whether a guy has a job as a basis for a woman's standards of dating... And yes, most women I know do have better jobs than their S/O...

[Organs]

Men base alot of their value on their career-job, and income, and when your struggling its very hard on the ego. Many losers/players thrive on finding women that are doing well and can support them, but a real man will feel somewhat intimidated by a woman who is doing well, and thats just because of the role that society has place on us. Although many women are not gold diggers they still want the security of a successful man, and we KNOW this. If you like the guy and do not judge him by his present situation then by all means go after him, dont show pity but let him know you like him for him, ANY guy would be thrilled to meet a girl like you.

 

Just to add to this, a HUGE part of why men are hung up on this is because it's one of the few concrete criteria women cite when looking for men. Career, money, car, place of his own, etc. So we get hung up on it because it's essentially the plumage we show to attract women.