Insecurities vs Reality, how to proceed? (long)

[jumbrella]

Note: Sorry to cross post, I put this originally in "breaking up". I wasn't sure where to post, but I think this might be the better forum for my thread. Can a moderator move/merge/delete my original thread? Thanks!

 

Hi all,

 

I've been in a relationship with my gf for 6 months. Right now its holding together by a thread. I need outside opinions here, because right now, I can't seem to think straight.

 

Everything started off amazing, right from the first time we met in person( in August, but met via the internet years before ). I seriously have never been so overwhelmed by someone. I could finally understand people who have said they knew they had found there soulmate. And it seemed mutual, and as crazy as it sounds...it felt different than just blind lust.

 

To cut to the chase, I started getting uneasy about her come December.

 

I had started to notice that she's very secretive/weird about her phone and texts. One night in particular was too much for me. We were hanging out at my house, and it seemed really bad. Deer in headlights look, stumbling over words, forgetting things I just told her. I "felt" like something was up. I got weird, couldn't help it anymore. I made a point to catch her mid text, and it was a guy, whom I had never heard about before, talking about hanging out. Of course I said something, which led to a big fight. ( I told her about my insecurity/trust issues, but never pressed much about the guy anymore. It was a big fight, she put her wall up, and I was trying to make amends. If I could go back in time, I would have pressed the issue more )

 

As much as I try not to, ever since that time I find myself trying to see who shes texting now. And I'm pretty sure she knows it. I've noticed for some text's she still tries to distract or get away from me, and the cycle gets worse...

 

She's also very emotionally unavailable. At least according to the definitions I've read. At first I dismissed it to the newness of us, but times gone by and it started to bother me.

-I have to initiate 99% of everything, from dates, hugs, kisses, hand holding, sex. Etc. ( She will more often than not follow my lead however )

-She hasn't called me once in half a year, unless I've asked her to do so. Never just because she wanted to. ( I even told her this in one of our last fights. I'm still waiting for that call.. ). She will text me though, or talk via chat.

-Shes just generally not open. Things you'd expect to share with your SO...just little everyday things. Its like if I want to know something, I have to ask.

 

I've told her she has walls up, and she agreed. We've worked through it some, and it does seem to improve, albeit very slowly.

 

I do tend to lavish attention on her when were together...hugs, pecks, stuff like that. ( If I don't, she sure won't do it ) Sometimes though, its like she doesn't notice or acknowledge it. And thats caused some fights...

 

Basically, I like her a lot, and the relationship is generally good. But this stuff has me feeling very uneasy much of the time. Do I trust her? I'm not sure, I have nagging doubts. I want to though. Am I wrong? The best way I can say it is... I have a gut feeling. I don't think shes cheating on me, I know she cares for me, but I do feel like she isn't 100% sold on me, and is maybe keeping her options open.

 

Now where things get extra ugly:

 

With things like that phone issue, or her not responding to my advances... I let this stuff build up, and then at some point it all bursts out in a fight/argument. And I know every time its taken her off guard. I feel bad about it. Shes been extremely patient about it, and we sort of work through it. But like shes told me, I keep on blind siding her.

 

January was really really bad. Lots of this went on. I even mentioned breaking up. But we agreed to work things out, and in February, things had been going really good! No fights. And I've definitely noticed a lot more from her in terms of affection when were together.

 

But this past week however, I started getting funny feelings again. I think I know her habits well enough. And I got a vibe like she was trying to avoid me...of course my mind played out scenarios. "She must be trying to hangout with a guy..". So I clung, mostly because I felt the need to play detective.

 

We ended up hanging out, and this is what sucks... but we had some really good times! Thursday night was probably the most I've ever felt comfy with her. Then yesterday, I blew it maybe. I let my mind run amok, and everything built up inside. Did it again. Got into a huge spat with her. Probably the worst one yet. Took her by surprise again...

 

I was about to break up with her, but she said she didn't want to. And deep down I don't want to either. But I feel like our issues are going to slowly make us hate each other. And I don't want that. If going back to just friends is how we make it work, I'll take it.

 

Everything feels awful right now.

 

Thoughts?

[iBroken]

Break up with her - you dont seem to be gaining much from this relationship.

 

You have two choices - one, put it all on the line - what are YOUR needs? Tell her you would like her to put an effort in to call, give affection etc etc. Your relationship seems very one-sided.

 

If she cant comply, then you really have to move on........or yes, you will start to hate each other as you will grow to resent her for take, taking and taking from you without giving.

[g_the_wanderer]

If you're in a relationship where your woman is always coming accross as emotionally unavailable or is putting little or no effort in, it is a very unhealthy situation. If you're into someone, then you make an effort, simple as that.

 

The secretive/panicky thing with the phone is a big, HUGE red flag! I assume she gets very hostile/defensive when you mention it? This is not the sign of openness and honesty. I dealt with the same thing for two years and it almost broke me; in the end I found out she was cheating.

 

She is hiding something that she knows will hurt you and if you get funny feelings about it, trust your gut and press her on it. Hopefully it's not what it seems, but don't ignore your gut feelings on this. If she refuses to open up, then for your own sake, leave her. You're an affectionate and caring guy and you deserve the same in return.

 

Last thing: just because she says she doesn't want to break up, doesn't mean she cares about you. Again, I had the same situation. She does realise she has a good guy and she might see this, at best, as a convenient situation.

 

Good luck to you.

[jumbrella]

Thank you both for your input. I have to say this website is a great resource for all this. Been doing a lot of reading...

 

I'm having a lot of trouble discerning what are my own insecurities, and what are things that I'm actually seeing.

 

The secretive/panicky thing with the phone is a big, HUGE red flag! I assume she gets very hostile/defensive when you mention it? This is not the sign of openness and honesty.

Thats what I feel internally, and what I've been trying to get through to her! Its sooo frustrating to me. I should add, that night she did offer me the option of looking through her phone. I declined. Looking back, I wish I had... our most recent fight she also offered, but we were talking on the phone.

 

The day of the original issue, she kind of locked up on me. Wouldn't talk, or give me any kind of emotion..I caved. I didn't want the relationship to end because of that, so I let off.

 

Theres been other times. Like she goes to the bathroom with her phone. One time I was holding her on the way back to her car, felt it vibrate, and had her literally break free from me( we were kind of embracing ), give me a little wink and run to the car and get in quickly so she could read her text. "Oh its just a friend from work".

 

Theres other stuff I could bring up, but I'm trying to keep this short and digestable.

 

I myself have a problem of feeling this stuff, and then I start reading everything I can on the internet about cheating, and emotional unavailability( thats how I found this site ). A lot of the cheating warning signs most articles say to look out for, I can relate to. But I'm not sure what I'm seeing or what my mind is making up. I just don't know what to trust anymore.

 

This past month was mostly good. But this week I felt like she was very weird and non committal about us hanging out. Very out of norm. Her dad's been in the hospital, so I didn't press the issue. Instead I decided to play detective.

 

Thats what got me started again. She has been a lot more affectionate this week though. It blew me away. But I couldn't help how I felt. It all came out on Saturday. The whole thing is becoming an obsession now, and its driving me nuts.

 

As I write this, I'm thinking of some little things that I've left out, and its like I know that moving on is probably for the best.

 

But I truly thought this girl was different... I should add, that I've only focused on the negatives here, again for brevity. There are good things, and we generally enjoy each others company and have fun.

 

Last item for now. Outside of dumping her, would anybody recommend how I should play my cards? Supposing I want to see if its possible to make this work, or at least getting her to come clean if theres something going on.

 

We're supposed to be hanging out today and well, I'm back and forth between my emotions and thoughts.