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I don't know what to think anymore


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Well things have really been pretty ugly here for me. A brief recap. Three years ago I went through a major depression. I was labled as having major depression was put on meds was seeing a therapist and all that: however, durring those few years I was struggling with the deep depression I couldn't function. I couldn't hold a job couldn't finish school nothing. I had to force myself out of bed on some days just to sit and think and do nothing.


Anyways, I went through my entire life savings because I wasn't working for a good 2 years but yet still had bills, food, and pets to care for.


My parents and I don't even talk anymore. My parents are totaly unsupportive of me. While I was in school they didn't even think or believe I was actualy going despite showing them my grades. They don't believe that there was anything " wrong" with me (depression)


I was living in a house that was my gradmothers. She passed away, my GF left me and my brother stole over $6000 dollars worth of my stuff. Well my parents decide that would be a good time to kick me out of that house. So here I was no money, no job, nothing and they kick me out and it was ugly the things they did. For example, they came in one day and turned the heat down to 60 in the middle of winter on me and put a lock on the thermostat. They basically came in one day and said you have 2 weeks to find aplace and get out.


I had the dog a cat and alot of stuff so trying to find an apartment that would take everything was a pain but I managed to find something.


I seemed to be doing alot better and have pulled out of the deep depression I was in a few months just before I got kicked out because at that time I felt like I could go back to work again and was seeking emplyment even though there was nothing out there.


So to where I am now. I have been in my new place for 4 months. I did manage to find a job: however, it is so difficult trying to pay bills. I just don't make enough. I have been looking everyday but we all know there are no jobs anywhere. I litteraly have to decide some weeks as to buying food or buying enough gas for work its that tight.


Plus it seems as though everything is going to H E LL. My trucks heater broke, my dvd player that Ihardly ever watch broke, my deep fryer broke, my shoes have splits on the bottoms and just stuff like that. Now normaly wouldn't be a big deal IF I was making enough money to actual live off of. I mean come on!!!! spending 20 bucks for a pair of shoes at Wal-Mart shouldn't be a major expense but for me it is. So it is either buy the cat food or anew pair of shoes. Well I would never let the cat go hungry so of course the shoes wait. I mean this is stupid and this isn't living. I am exsisting at best. THATS IT exsisting. I have no life. I can't affors to have a life. I live to work to pay rent on a dump in the ghetto.


I can't go back to school right now to finish my last year of college because when I went through the depression I had to drop out mid semester which created a bil of $1300 bucks which I can not pay right now. I can't even put any money aside for anything.


So no school degree no better job= NO MONEY!


Where I live is prob one of the worst places I could be it is ghetto. There are people out on the street at 3-4 in the morning and yes even though it is winter they are out there blasting music fighting and evrything else. I have as well as the neghbors called the cops and Cleveland cops don't do anything. There was even a petition to evict them out of the neighborhood! Even though we all signed it nothing came of it. The police know them on a first name bassis.


So today I was upstairs playing my drums the only sancturay I have left that keeps me sane. I come downstaris because I playin the attic and there is a note on the attic door. and it says:


"If you want to keep your drums quite playing or they willbe destroud

sin the nehburhoud."


And yes that is EXACTLY how they spelled that. So that tells you what ignorant, illiterate, ghetto, trailer trash people are here. I have no problem with playing softer on the drums but instead of coming up to me and talking to me like normal civialized humas do, no, these animals leave threats.


These idiots live accross the street they don't even live in my building. There are 3 other people in my building that are all great and we look out for each other.


The worst part of it is, they walked right into my building unobstructed. After calling the cops for the threating note and the few chocie words they wrote on the doors and walls the cops did nothing of course. I did learn however that one of them just got released from the pen like 2 weeks ago. So now I'am just uneasy for a personal safety issue.


So with all of this, I just don't even know what to think anymore. I have no idea what to do. All I know this is not the life I want or ever asspired it to be. I mean I try I try to hang on to hope and that things will get better but they seem to be getting worse! I get up everyday go to work which doesn't pay me enough to even live off of. I try to live a peaceful life and it just seems like nothing and very hopless.


At what point do you run out of will to go on?

I feel like a boxer that is in the 10th round and hasn't thrown a punch but has hit the mat at least a half dozzen times. I keep waiting for the reff to throw the towel in so I don't have to get up anymore cause it hurts soo much but it never happens.


And Iam stuck in the ring and there is no place to go.

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