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I am standing at a crossroad


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Even now as I should be studying for an exam, my mind cannot hep but wander. This decision is a tough one, and I could use some input from unbiased sources.

Some background: We dated for a brief period of time a few years back, and after the breakup I was devastated and clung to him like a sad puppy. This, along with the fact that we never had space (went to the same uni, shared friends and social lives, lived in the same apt building for christssakes!) led to the development of a strange limbo- non-relationship relationship....er, thing.

 

This limbo period lasted for two years and, to keep this short and sweet, made me very miserable. I wanted to be in a relationship with him so badly, and he was the center of my universe. I was an important part of his life too, but for some reason he never got the balls to commit to me again. He did, however, confide in me, something that cannot be said of any of his other friends. He is a charismatic guy and doesn't really know how to open up to other people so I suppose this was pretty big for him.

 

My frustration at his lack of commitment led us to have many fights and really brought out the worst in both of us. We slept together, but we acted like platonic buddies in front of our other friends. He had total control over me, and subconsciously knew it and took advantage of it whether he likes to admit it or not. All of my friends think he is an * * * * * * * because they would see how upset he always made me.

 

Yet as horrible as this sounds, I had some sort of strange hold over him too, because no matter how many fights we would have, he would always come back to me. We weren't dating, but we weren't seeing other people either, and if a new interest came along, there was always the question in our minds: "Am I single?"

 

Eventually I went away for about three weeks and had little to no contact with him, and while I was away I remembered what it was like to be my own person again. To not constantly be thinking about him, and how he would react to what I was doing at the moment. I no longer had to keep tabs on what he was doing, and didn't have to tell him what I was doing. I didn't have to plan my nights according to his schedule and I was just carefree! As I was returning home, seeing the skyline of our city, a wave of dread passed through my body as I realized that here I was, coming back to my self-created pit of misery. And I also realized that this was all in my control. I did this to myself, I can undo it. So I did...or I tried.

 

We met up for the first time since I'd left, and he was so excited to see me. He told me how much he missed me and how he realized that he needed me in his life while I was gone, and that he was FINALLY ready to be in a relationship. Of course, to his dismay, I had reached quite the opposite conclusion while I was away. I saw his soul crushed in the blink of an eye as we talked about how terrible the past few years had been and how liberating it was to get away. He agreed that he treated me terribly, and felt like things would be different. He wants a chance to fix his mistakes. he knows he can change. He FINALLY said he loves me. (I had already said it to him a few times in the past.)

 

This conversation happened about a month and a half ago, and we still talk here and there. We don't really see each other all that often but we have hung out a few times and I see the pain and longing in his eyes. I care about him a lot and it hurts me to see him hurt. I know how it feels, because he is feeling everything I felt throughout that excruciating two year period. I used to picture our life together, how perfect we are for each other, and could think of nothing better than to have him say "I love you" to me. But it happened too late. He had had enough time to make me too miserable. And now, I don't know. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can go for days and not think about him and am pursuing myself more. Focusing on forming better friendships, and exploring my own interests, and basically developing into a more independent person. But at the same time, I am turning my back to someone who cares about me, and rejecting love. Am I making a mistake?

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i think the answer really depends on one single question

 

do you still love him?

 

if so I'd say its def worth a shot, I personally believe love is the most important thing in a relationship

 

but if not, I wouldn't advise getting into a relationship with him just because he cares about you

 

and as a sidenote I believe its possible to continue working on yourself while in a relationship as long as you have a little space or you time if you will

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I'm really happy for you that after so much turmoil you have gotten to the point where you feel so much more control over yourself and your situation. I think you should do whatever it is that makes you the most comfortable. You are not turning your back on love, you are turning away from the pain you've suffered for so long. You are okay. Force yourself to get on with your studies and know that the right answer will come to you any day, hour or minute now...at the same time just be totally honest with him so he can make his own decisions.

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It sounds like right now it is the guilt that has you second guessing your decision - not your feelings for him. Remember that this is the man who treated you poorly for two years. He kept you hanging on without ever committing to you. The foreboding you felt on your way home is the most telling. You found yourself dreading coming back home to him. These are not the feelings we have for someone we love; for someone we want to be with.

 

You made the right choice for yourself. After all that time he could not offer you what you needed. Now it is time to find someone who can.

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