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Help! Boyfriend never wants sex anymore!


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I met my current boyfriend about 2.5 years ago. For the first year and half or so, the sex was amazing. We'd be intimate with each other almost every time we saw each other, sometimes multiple times per night. It seemed like both of us couldn't keep our hands off each other. Not just sex either, but lots of kissing and making out, very intense passionate sex, it was amazing! The last year though, has been the complete opposite.

 

He has rarely initiated sex with me this past year. It seems like I'm the only one that wants it anymore, he always complains that he's too tired. He even makes a point to say how tired he is before we go to bed, I take that as him hinting to me that there isn't going to be any sex tonight. He's even "too tired" on weekends which I don't quite understand.

 

I have brought up how frustrated and hurt I am with this situation and all he tells me is that "he doesn't know what the problem is". He insists that he is still attracted to me, but I don't really believe that. I did catch him attempting to have sex with other men about 5 months ago. I don't believe he actually followed through with anything, but i found a sex ad that he posted on craigslist as well as some very disturbing emails to other guys on craigslist. I did catch him doing this the very next day after he put his ad up, so I do believe nothing actually happened, but there was definitely intent. He lied to me about the ad at first (telling me he was just looking for friends, not sex) and didn't actually come clean about it until recently.

 

Another related issue is that we have only had anal sex twice since last July. 7 months ago or so, we had sex (he's the bottom) and the next morning he told me that he was hurting in that area and saw some blood when he went to the bathroom. I understood and was only worried about him being healthy. So I didn't pressure him at all (still don't) about having anal sex, there's other stuff we could do anyway, but still to this day, he has not seen a doctor. At this point, I do believe this might be an excuse not to have sex with me. Whenever I bring it up, he tells me he wants to see a doctor but he's embarrassed. I can understand that to a certain degree, but to completely refuse to see a doctor for 7 months now, knowing how frustrated I am leaves me really confused. I have no reason to believe he's going to see a doctor or think that we're going to start having anal sex again anytime soon.

 

On Valentine's day eve (it was actually after midnight, so it was technically Valentine's day) we were away on a nice weekend vacation together. I thought it'd be nice to fool around, so when I tried to initiate in bed, he just told me he was tired and wanted to cuddle. This of course makes me feel rejected and really frustrated, so I get upset. In the morning he has the nerve to get mad at me for getting upset. He even told me that he was planning on trying anal sex again tonight (Valentine's day) but now we're not going to, because I got upset the night before. It's been over 2 weeks since that day, and he hasn't made any attempt to try since. So if he was really ready to try then, why hasn't it happened in the past 2 weeks? I do believe these are all excuses to not have sex with me.

 

It does make me wonder what is going on. Is he cheating on me? He tells me he's still attracted to me but makes absolutely no effort to make our sex life better. I've told him it's not just about anal sex either, i'm happy with anything at this point, but we only mess around once a week. He told me recently that he is horny all the time and masturbates to porn on his computer just about every night he doesn't stay over at my place. He only stays over 2-3 nights a week. So he is masturbating the other 4-5 nights, and we're having sex 1 night a week.

 

I do love him very much, and believe that he loves me. We spend a lot of time together, we cuddle a lot and he is so sweet towards me, he just has no interest in sex with me. Everything else is great, but this sex issue is just getting out of hand. I've never felt so undesirable and unattractive in my life, and he doesn't seem to want to go out of his way or make any attempt to make me feel better. If he really loved me, wouldn't he see that I have needs that are not being met? Even the one time per week that we do mess around, I feel like he's just doing it to shut me up. Also, once we do mess around that one time, there is no hope that we're going to do anything the next morning or day, it's like he feels like he got the weekly chore out of the way, so we'll see what happens next weekend! We rarely make out anymore either, we do kiss which is nice, but the passionate making out like we used to do, is very rare also.

 

I'm sorry this is so long, I would love any advice anyone can offer, I just don't know what to do anymore!

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Well, we've known each other for 2.5 years but became monogamous with each other last summer.

 

No, I haven't gained/lost a significant amount of weight. in fact because I've felt like he's not attracted to me, I started a really intense 90 day workout program last October. So as far as my body is concerned, I think it's in the best shape it's been in since i've known him.

 

He does work a lot (lots of overtime) so work could stress him out, i dont know of anything else that has been stressing him out lately. When we see each other, everything is great, aside for the sex for me.

 

Another note, I dont know if this makes a difference, but I'm 30 and he's 21.

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Well, we've known each other for 2.5 years but became monogamous with each other last summer.

 

No, I haven't gained/lost a significant amount of weight. in fact because I've felt like he's not attracted to me, I started a really intense 90 day workout program last October. So as far as my body is concerned, I think it's in the best shape it's been in since i've known him.

 

He does work a lot (lots of overtime) so work could stress him out, i dont know of anything else that has been stressing him out lately. When we see each other, everything is great, aside for the sex for me.

 

Another note, I dont know if this makes a difference, but I'm 30 and he's 21.

 

lol, cradle robber. It sounds like he might just be working too much for being so young. Or... he loses attracting when a bond grows. Maybe he feels too settled down.

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Rabbit, Perhaps he's interested in men and is in a limbo of sorts. He's not sure which way to go - toward you or away from you. Confronting him might not get to the truth either, because he's not sure, himself, and he does not wish to hurt you unnecessarily by openly discussing it.

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It's obvious he's starting to become confused about his sexuality. He might be gay. Full-fledged straight guys don't go on craiglist looking for homosexual encounters, and that is a big sign he might be confused. Have you noticed him flirting with men? Caught him doing anything like that again?

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I apologize Rabbit. I'm laughing now (at myself dammit) I misread your post and, indeed, I see now (after re-reading) you're both gay. Oh well, my intent was good.

 

You're in the gay section, but I read this on the site's main page, so I was in another place in my head it seems.

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Maybe he's gay?

 

Well I'd hope so!

 

It's obvious he's starting to become confused about his sexuality. He might be gay. Full-fledged straight guys don't go on craiglist looking for homosexual encounters, and that is a big sign he might be confused. Have you noticed him flirting with men? Caught him doing anything like that again?

 

Haha, wait, he is gay, i'm gay, we're all gay! Isn't this a gay forum? Or are you guys just messing with me?

 

Priceless

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My ex and I were the same way, going strong for a long time, then he started nagging at me about bills, dishes, stupid stuff, and I started losing interest. So as soon as that happened he started whining because I wouldnt give him sex regularly and that turned me off even more.

 

Maybe there is something he doesnt know how to tell you that's turning him off. Maybe try giving him space in regards to things you'd normally pressure him about. Maybe try going out to an early dinner, then getting him to "bed" before he normally gets tired.

 

Maybe try just flat out talking to him about it, when you guys are in the car, or somewhere where he cant pull away from you.

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hey, Rabbit. I went on to this site to start a thread with EXACTLY this same issue. Maybe if I tell you what's going on in my 8-year relationship, you can help me and I can figure out how to help you...

 

But first thing I need to understand. You say that he doesn't want sex. But then you say you're still doing it once a week. to me, that pretty consistent. Is the issue the kind of sex you're having? Is it just let's-get-this-over-with sex? Is the problem that you feel like you're always the one who has to initiate? When you don't have sex, does he still cuddle with you in bed?

 

These are all issues that relate to my situation, too.

 

Look forward to further clarification,

NiceGuy4

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Hey Niceguy,

 

I guess once a week for me just isn't enough. I don't expect to have it everyday, but 3 times a week would be great! When we first started seeing each other, we had sex all the time, probably 5+ times a week, so maybe I got spoiled?

 

Yes, it does feel like let's-get-this-over-with-sex nowadays. He never seems to be excited for sex and usually just tells me how tired he is. He used to initiate a lot, but lately I'm the only one doing that. That's why it makes me feel like he's just not into me, he seems so disinterested in sex with me. We do cuddle when we don't have sex, we actually cuddle all the time! He's very loving too, but keeping me happy in the bedroom just doesn't seem to be important to him anymore.

 

Does this sound like what you're going through too?

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Well, here's something to leave you with for the weekend....

 

My bf came to stay at my place last night (we live almost an hour away by car) as a surprise because he finally had a break in his work. Yes, we had sex and in general had a very nice evening. Of course, he really does love me, and suddenly all (or at least most) of my complaints seemed unimportant. So here's what i think is good advice for the weekend:

 

1) In a long-term relationship, there are ups and downs. Before you panic, consider that what is happening may just be a phase.

 

2) Try to approach each day as a new day and not to carry around resentment from past offenses.

 

3) Don't view individual actions as "tests" of whether your bf is devoted to you. Look at the big picture

 

These are things that are important for me to remember. Hope they may help you too!!

 

Good luck!

NiceGuy4

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