9 months of heatbreak, & she just messaged me after 3 months NC! Please help

[hero112]

I have been reading these forums for months! I've followed no contact since november.

 

This is my first post so bare with me while I tell you my story. I met this girl in April of last year, and we dated for about a two months. Everything was perfect as it could be, we both come from two different cultures I'm east Indian and she's caucasion which we both don't have a problem with. I wanted to be completely honest with her and I told her that it would be an issue with my parents but when the time came we would deal with it. She kept worrying what are we going to do each time we met up, she basically wanted a place that we could chill together but I couldn't take her back to my place. Her mom is going through depression for the past 2 years and before she would never bring it up and all of a sudden she would blame her mom for everything going wrong in her life. She said that she didn't feel passion in our kiss and that it's just not the right time for two people to come together.

 

I went to panic mode, sent her some emotional emails telling her how much I care about her, and that I'm here for her. She ignored a couple of messages and when I would call her on if we should get back together she would say she doesn't have an answer right now & that are problems still exists. My parents approval, I told her my, Love precedes my families approval, & she was just dwelling on how her life has been on standstill for the past few months that nothing has changed (This was in november) I've told her that it's over and I need to move on 2 times now and always after that she trys to make more contact with me & I give in. As soon as we started dating she told me to not allow her push me away because her mom did that to her dad and he kept coming back and they've been married for over 25 years.

 

I haven't seen her for a few months & I went NC on her for the past 3 months after she ignored my message (I asked her if she was working as I was going to be at her work and she neevr replied back) Since then she has called me twice. sent me, are you coming to my work anytime soon? & a merry Xmas text message. It was very hard to ignore those messages but I did. I know we only dated for a short period of time but I still really care for her. There hasn't been a day that she hasn't crossed my mind. I read this forum everyday & I know that I'm not the only one having this feeling. But ive tried it all, I sent her chocolates, a gift she always wanted, emotional emails based from my heart. I said and done everything from my heart and still she wouldnt give me a answer. I don't know what to do? Should I continue NC? I never told her I loved her either but I didnt feel that it was never the right time as it was only a short period of time. We are both 23 and she was the first girl that I fell in love with so it makes it even harder.

 

This was my first serious relationship and I saw this to be a long term relationship. She had mentioned to me that we were never bf/gf and that we were just friends but we made out and did other things and I felt that we were more.

 

She messaged me for the first time since X-mas yesterday with this message- "Hey im planning on buying **** online. Do you know a good site to buy it off of?"

 

*I've got her this fat burning stuff in the past that she wanted, this is the first message after 2 months. This would be the fifth contact that ive ignored since november. Should I ignore this and write something simple like "sorry, no idea" I find it really selfish that she would message me with this after so long? or is this just another way of getting attention?

 

Thanks for reading, any help would be appreciated!

[IGlareOften]

You said she's contacted you five times she's november?

[FrenchFries]

That is information she can get from somewhere else easily. Why did she contact you the other times? I think she's just trying to get a response. If she's interested in talking to you about your relationship, such as she's finally made up her mind, she would say so.

 

I say stay NC.

[hero112]

Yah but just about lil things like, are you coming to my work soon, she called a couple times, merry xmas text & now she just sent me that message last night. This is the first message since xmas she sent me. I have not contacted or replied to any of her attempts.. Do you think I should this time? Am i burning bridges by not responding, besides the xmas text that was very hard to not reply, the other ones were just weak attempts to see if I am still interested?

 

What do you think?

[IGlareOften]

Well, as a girl, I would say she's reaching out. The other person was right....she could get that information from other sources, but she asked you. Girls do that. We make little efforts to talk, because jumping in with "I miss you" could scare people. You may or may not be burning bridges. But, there's only so many times she's put herself out there before she stops trying. If you feel comfortable replying, then reply. If not, then leave it be.

 

She's tried to contact you..and even after no responses...she's still trying. Like I said..there's only so much longer she'll do that and then she'll quit trying. I say....respond lightly...and if she persists after that, she wants to talk to you. But chances are she just wants to talk to you but doesn't know how to say that. Plus men like to feel needed..and women try to cater to that part of you....So she asked for help. HA. It's genius. Anyway, do what you want...I'd say respond. The worse that can happen? She says thanks. You never know until you try.

[hero112]

I've read somewhere that you should wait until she really says something meaningful rather then beating around the bush. Its been 3 months of NC it was so hard for me to move on & I just don't know if I want to put myself out there for her to play mind games with. I know during this time i've become much stronger myself.

 

The reason she's contacting me about the stuff is that its not over the counter stuff, I have a friend that gets it so its not widely available. But I don't see her being that selfish to just message me after 3 months regarding fat loss supplements but who knows??

 

Im not sure how a girls mind works as this was my first serious relationship but to me I chased her, I tried everything in the back of my mind. She asked for this before and I was in NC in august but I had promised it to her prior and I always keep my word so I mailed it to her. She texted me and said that it was the nicest thing anyone has done for her. Ive came to peace in my mind because I tried everything as where she might be doubting herself now? I feel that if she wants to try anything again that she really needs to work for it.

 

What do you guys think? Im sorry if this sounds stupid but I am really unexperienced with women. I did treat her like a queen tho, and she probably knows that she wont find anyone that treats her like I did.

 

Thank you

[FrenchFries]

I never broke up with someone and did this kind of thing so I honestly don't know what she's thinking at this point. Sometimes people like to beat around the bush, but after 3 months, if she is desperate to talk to you she needs to make that perfectly clear. That is what I (a woman) would do.

 

It is up to you how you want to handle it. It may not mean anything except that maybe she has a guilty conscience and wants to make sure you aren't mad at her or something.

 

If you feel like it will set you back somehow, because you are probably hoping it is more than that, then don't respond. If you do respond just don't have high expectations (although it will still hurt).

 

Honestly I feel like if she really, really, really wants to talk to you she will not quit until she's made her intentions clear.

[hero112]

That's what I feel as well that she needs to make it clear rather than beating around the bush. I can't believe how hard it is to fight your own heart and to follow logic because that's what you need to do. Breaking NC after so long to get a simple thank you would not make sense in my mind. Ahh! Y do women have to play these games and not be direct, to this day I've always spoken from my heart but she gave me no choice but to go NC.

 

She emphasized that her mom kept pushing away her dad when they were seeing each other but he kept coming back and they've been happily married for 25 years. She also said to not let her push me away and if she to come back because she's going to do that. She also said that sometimes it's not the right time for two people to come together buT in my mind when is it ever the right time? If we can't stick with each other during the tough times then what's the point of spending the good times together? We can't pick and choose what works for one person alll the tome right? Her mom is going through depression and I wouldn't be surprised if it ran her mind as well, she says I wasn't as supportive of her during this period of her life? how can I be more supportive I listened to her and helped her in anyway I could..

 

Any comments would help..

 

Thank you everyones who's posted, it does help me more than you know!

[FrenchFries]

Ok, so she left all the responsibility on you? "Don't let me push you away?" Come on, seriously! How about she get help for whatever issues she has that are causing her to push away in the first place. I'm sorry, I get really irritated when people don't take responsibility for their actions, act a fool and then leave all the responsibility of keeping the relationship together for the other person.

 

Since you still have feelings for her and it would be very hard for you to just maintain a friendship without thinking it might be something further, then let her contact you 'when the time is right' whenever that is. She sounds wishy washy and undependable.

 

Hopefully by that time you will be long over her.

[hero112]

I know that if I message her back with anything and she says a simple thank you or even worst no response that it will put me back to day 1. I agree with you 100% that it takes 2 people to make anything work in a relationship, I am slowly but surely falling out of love with her but I have learned alot about relationships from this.

 

This just crossed my mind what do you think, sending her a message like:

 

Hey, don't want to be rude but I realized in the past that it was to hard to be just friends and that I wish you all the best.

 

This will show her that I'm serious that it's over??

 

Id rather stay silent as sometimes words do damage but silence keeps the mind wandering?

[abitbroken]

I think that if the relationship was just for two months before problems started, why do you want her back? There has been far more time in no contact and being broken up than in the actual relationship.

 

As far as what she is saying - when someone blames a parent for what their life is like, it is very indicative on how she treats people or views her life as well. Can you deal with that? At some point one needs to take personal responsibility for their lives.Also, could it be that you were in love with the idea of being in love versus this really being an awesome relationship to be continued?

 

Personally, I would not contact her. I would focus on your own healing and being open to meet other people. I

[FrenchFries]

Your intent is to truly move on from this relationship, correct?

[hero112]

abitbroken- Thats a very good point, I don't know what love feels like, i've had other flings but never anything that I saw would be long term. With her we spoke about our life goals, how many kids we wanted. She even asked me if my family has any hereditary diseases that could be transferred to our kids! But it could be the possibility of the thought of love that is making act this way? I dont know but I did care about her more than anything, I would have done anything to make her happy, I remember that I went on this Vegas trip while we were dating and we had a minor argument and we didnt speak while I was there. It was killing me inside so while I was there I saw this coach purse she wanted and picked it up for her. When I got back and gave it to her she told me that was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her in all of her life. I did so many little things to make her happy. But I realized that I cant be a doormat that Respect precedes love right? Thank you for your response.

 

FrenchFries- Thats a hard one, in a way Yes and to be truthful to my heart I just want to get a true answer from her without any games. I dont want to really send her anything until she sends me something that I truly believes is from the heart.

 

I just wanted to get everyones opinion on what they thought. It always better to get unbiased advice.

 

Thank you

[hero112]

Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, I have to admit lately it has been less guy it's still there after 9 months. Is something wrong with me? Is this normal? I am becoming my normal slf but I did have a fallout in the beginning where I almost went in depression. My docter recommended me taking anti-depressant pills but even after getting them I refused to take them and I destroyed them. I have a very strong will and I choose not to drink or smoke either so I don't take the easy route and run from my problems but I've just never had this type of issue before. It's worst than any pain I've ever had. I feel better talking about this on here and it is very thereaputic. So thank you everyone

[abitbroken]

If she was talking about number of kids and it was only 2 months of knowing eachother I think that was moving a little fast. Can you honestly really say that you "knew" her and what her likes and dislikes were? Who she was as a person? I am not necessarily asking you to tell me - but it seems like you spoke of romantic things - having babies, buying her expensive purses but there was no solid relationship under it.

 

I honestly think that it is best to focus on healing. There are more fish in the sea. I know that may be hard to hear. I might think differently if you were together 2 years versus 2 months. but after 2 months there is really not much there yet.

[hero112]

abitbroken- That was the only nice gift that I got her besides chocolate and small things. She would be the one that would bring up things about my parents approval and about kids and all this other stuff. I did really open up to her tho.. I cared for her and always thought about her well being, but do i know her?? Thats a hard question but after alot of trial and error on my part after the breakup I did realize alot about her. Actions do speak louder then words and thats where she shined. She ignored alot of my attempts and has a problem with expressing herself but in the beginning she was the first one to say she had feelings for me & doesnt know if that was a good thing?? I never really understood that..

 

I tried everything romantically, I exhausted every avenue before I got inner peace knowing that I tried everything.

 

This is where I would love to hear your opinion, I am not a very religious person but during the first month of NC I went to my church and I swore to god that I would not talk to her for a month and it made life so much easier because I had no urge to contact her. I want to go once again but this time go and sware that I will never have a relationship with her again. But if I do such a thing I cannot turn my word back on it.. What are your thoughts on this? I know ill keep my word if I do this & I think it will make the healing process easier but I don't want any regrets? Im sorry if this sounds confusing... & thank you for taking your time out of your day and helping me.

[Lastchallenge]

Dont swear it over wait u never know! Once u cross that line it's worse

[hero112]

Lastchallenge- Thats a very good point, but if i'm not able to get her out of my head.. I just don't know if I have any another choice!

 

I know that time heals everything, even though our relationship was short the intensity was very tight. It takes a moment to fall in love with someone but a lifetime of misery to forget them eh!

[hero112]

I have decided to stay nc & will only respond to her if she sends a meaningful message. I think her message was simply a test to see if she still has me whipped around her finger. To break 3 months of nc would not make sense in my mind! What do you guys think?

[hero112]

Thank you for everyones advice, I agree that there is more fish in the sea but im 23 and this was my first serious relationship. I do love her, she was an amazing person while we were together, after the breakup I became I loser and chased her. I sent her emotional emails text and so forth to make her change her mind without realizing all I was doing was pushing her away. I was unexperienced with relationships and I do feel that some of out falling out was my fault, I was clingy but always in a good way.

 

Im having the most problem thinking shes reached out now a few times and I ignored which is extremely tough. Is there someone I can send to her that could just get her to be honest with me on why shes contacting me?

 

Please help this bothers me everyday and it sucks to feel like this

[abitbroken]

Use it all as a learning experience. There is no such thing as "clingy in a good way." I also think you were infatuated with her or "in love" but did not love her. Love takes time to happen.

[FrenchFries]

I think you should just remain no contact with her. She needs to be more aggressive if her intent is to re-start the relationship. It's just a waiting game from here on out but continue to heal and work on moving on with your life without her.

[hero112]

I know I need to stay no contact but its so hard to fight the heart.. Ive always spoken from the heart my whole life & its very hard to keep anything inside. After reading this forum inside out & I learnt that NC is the way it seems to go.

 

I did receive a private call today which I never get I assume its her but what does everyone think on my dillema? Besides the general consensus of staying NC does anyone think I should message her back from her last weeks message with a simple. "Sorry no"

 

Lemme know what you guys think!

 

Thanks

[abitbroken]

I know I need to stay no contact but its so hard to fight the heart.. Ive always spoken from the heart my whole life & its very hard to keep anything inside. After reading this forum inside out & I learnt that NC is the way it seems to go.

 

I did receive a private call today which I never get I assume its her but what does everyone think on my dillema? Besides the general consensus of staying NC does anyone think I should message her back from her last weeks message with a simple. "Sorry no"

 

Lemme know what you guys think!

 

Thanks

 

a private call could also be a telemarketer or wrong number. I would simply stay NC

[hero112]

thas very true, time will tell but either way life still goes on right?? I was in the gym today and each day they have a new quote todays was:

 

Being defeated is a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.

 

I cant give up life and wait for her to come around if she ever does, I need to figure out what works for me and carry my life on.

 

Thank you abitbroken, im sorry if I keep asking the same question over and over haha! but I know you are right!