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Kinda detailed but I'll try to make sense of it all.

 

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year, we've lived together for the last 6 months, and are getting ready to move into our new place together. The new place is his brothers house(his bro is moving out, and we are renting from him). I am excited about making the next step with my boyfriend, but I feel out of the loop because it has been him and his bro making all the arrangements, I have barely been asked. And it seems that we are expected to go along with whatever plans his bro has (dates for moving, rent amount). I voiced my concerns to my boyfriend and he got completely defensive and felt like I was attacking him, which was the complete opposite. I don't expect him to turn his back on his bro, but I feel I should have some say as well, I am paying rent after all. Not to mention my boyfriend just lost his job, and this move will be a major rent increase.......

 

So he asked me what he could do to make me feel better about the situation, and I said I wanted a bigger commitment from him(this has been a long time convo about getting engaged..more so me nagging him about it). I told him I dont feel secure moving into HIS brothers house, with HIS rules, and HIS way of doing things. Well to my TOTAL surprise he sat there on the couch and asked" Will you marry me?". May I add with no ring, not on one knee. He actually wanted to use the promise ring he had given me before, which in my opinion is just a copout. I think a big part of a proposal is the ring, and knowing the man committed to saving and planning for the ring. Anyway I ended up in tears and walked out of the room. After that he TOOK BACK the proposal and said he didnt mean it. * * * ?? now I'm so confused and do not know what to do. I feel like he took the happiest day of my life from me, even if he does it again later down the road, I'll never think its sincere. And now I'm not sure if I should move with him or not.

Please help and give your opinions on what to do! I really need advice right now, I'm a mess.

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Sounds to me like neither of you are ready for marriage. Moving in to his brother's house is a completely separate issue from engagement and marriage. I am not sure why you are moving in to his house in the first place when both of you are living together in an apartment. This already has disaster written all over it if you are being kept out of the loop and you will be paying rent. He wants to keep it in the family and has excluded you from the decision-making process because you are not family. You want to use marriage as a bargaining tool to get you "into the family" and into the decision-making. He felt pressured. Now it might well have been a legitimate proposal but you threw it in his face simply because he did not have a ring and did not get down on one knee. I think both of you are not really ready for the seriousness of marriage and what it means. It means a whole lot more than expensive rings, getting down on one knee, and renting a brother's house. It is about bills, communication, and problem solving together.

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1) WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TO NAG FOR A PROPOSAL?

2) He proposed. I hope you know marriage has nothing to do with a stupid ring or the formalities of proposing

3) Of course he took it back. I would too if my gf didn't think my idea of commitment was enough.

4) You shouldn't move in with him and pay rent to his brother. Get your own place.

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I would be really hurt if I was him and you felt like he took the happiest day of your life away from you because he didn't do it the way you wanted him to, with a major ring. What's in the heart is what's important not how long someone has saved for a ring. That could have come later. I didn't get my ring for several months, but I was ecstatic we loved each other enough to get married. He may have gotten defensive because of the way you brought up the communication problem. Who knows, maybe he thought he was taking care of things for the 2 of you and didn't realize how you felt. Guys often show they care by doing. (Women are from Venus book has some good points on differences between men and women). Perhaps you could learn to communicate better so you could more effectively convey your wish to be a team, in every way. don't assume people automatically know. We all have blind spots. what I didn't hear is whether or not you love this guy. Maybe you don't love him enough to experience the proposal as the special gift of a heart and a life that it is, regardless of the material accessories. It would be important to know he would be into a relationship where you function as a team with major decision making. If he is, he would be so worth a second chance and I think you should get on your knees and ask him to forgive you for ruining what could have been the best day of his life. I am not usually this blunt or accusing. I am a gentle, sweet person, but your post really made me feel for this guy.

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Another thing, the date the apartment is available and the amount will be usually is up to the person renting, not the renter. Get realistic. Those decisions are really not up to you, other than saying it's not what you want. These things are usually not negotiable. He has the right to ask what he wants for the place and to have it be available when it's right for him.

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