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What's Worse? Miserable With Her, Or Miserable Without Her?


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Some of you know me, some don't. so a brief summary of my situation...

I was dating this beautiful, but horrible woman for about 2 years. (on and off) we broke up many times. Lots of drama, great sex, just basically your toxic relationship. We have been apart now for 8 months! (wow, just realized its been 8 months) anyways. I have been miserable ever since. And I have tried everything: I have dated other women, but I cant seem to connect. I joined a gym, eat healthy, quit smoking/drinking, found new hobbies, etc. My ex is with some jerk, whom she breaks up with often. Its a pattern...

But here's my logic. If I'm going to be miserable with or without her. Wouldn't it be better to be with her, than to be alone? I hate being alone. I have no kids, I have a dog and cat. Financially secure, great career, women find me attractive, etc... I just cant seem to let her go... Should I try to get her back? I do love her, but I also hate her, and I miss her... * * * ?

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Peace of mind..that is something that you have now that you don't have when in a toxic relationship with someone who mistreats you. When you are with a toxic person, you may have their physical presence but you don't have them emotionally. Emotionally they are empty because they can't give of themselves, everything revolves around them and their drama. So to have her means you would have a warm body and sex and the occasional good times..but you will also have the stress of never knowing when she will dump you, when she will mistreat you, when she will cause a ton of drama. Sure there are some good points to her...but the bad points are really really destructive. It is like living in a solidly built house vs living in a house of cards that can crumble at any second. You are better off being miserable without her than being miserable with her.

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Better to be alone for one simple reason - toxic relationships poison your mind so slowly you don't even notice. You're still feeling the effects. So what's better, more poison or detox? Having quit drinking and smoking, I think you know the answer to that.

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"I was dating this beautiful but horrible woman..."

 

Horrible in spirit, but beautiful on the outside? That says a lot I think, and I can relate. When we're dating someone that feeds our ego so thoroughly then the ego is going to experience a big catastrophe when we lose what feeds it. In this case, "I was dating such a beautiful woman."

 

Sometimes, a beautiful woman can sense when her beauty is a little too important to her mate, and it can feel like that's the main reason he treats her so well. In that case, it's going to feel to her like she's just being used for her looks and that the guy really doesn't love her for who she really is at all. "Eye candy". "An ego boost." In her, resentment will build. She won't think the guy is on the up and up, and she's likely to start treating him poorly in response.

 

This is tough. She's probably had so many relationships where men were over-focusing on her looks, and after awhile, she's liable to believe that "well, every man is just the same. If I weren't so beautiful, he wouldn't even like me."

 

The problem with this line of thinking is that you cannot separate yourself from your gifts. Whether you're beautiful, or smart, or rich, or witty, or funny... Anyone can conclude, "Well, she only likes me because I'm so witty. If I weren't then she wouldn't care." No one says that though. Gifts are gifts, and to vilify a person for appreciating them is a game in despair.

 

From a man's perspective, I dated a woman about 3 years ago who was likely the most attractive woman I've ever dated. She was gorgeous, rich, smart, successful, and realistically, I was the envy of all my friends. The ego letdown that followed the demise of this relationship was significant. It was hard for me to get interested in other women because it felt like I had this "standard" now to live up to, and nothing would be as good.

 

It's a terrible line of thinking though, and it's not reality based. People shouldn't be status symbols. If you don't love someone for who they really are then you're doing it wrong. It took me a little while to get past that and realize how silly I was being.

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"I was dating this beautiful but horrible woman..."

 

Horrible in spirit, but beautiful on the outside? That says a lot I think, and I can relate. When we're dating someone that feeds our ego so thoroughly then the ego is going to experience a big catastrophe when we lose what feeds it. In this case, "I was dating such a beautiful woman."

 

 

The above is insightful and spot-on, but I think the rest kinda got derailed, mostly because there are so many "ifs" involved, stemming from the assumption that her being horrible to him was in direct relation to her looks being so important. We don't really know why that is. It's true that looks, sex, and things of that sort tend to make us put up with more than we normally would, but I wouldn't assume that simply because he said she was a "beautiful horrible woman" that all he was infatuated with was her looks. In all fairness, she could've been a horrible woman anyway. Either way, of course if you were with a beautiful girl or had sex that blew your toenails off your feet, you're gonna pine for that a bit. Doesn't exactly mean your world revolved around it.

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The above is insightful and spot-on, but I think the rest kinda got derailed, mostly because there are so many "ifs" involved, stemming from the assumption that her being horrible to him was in direct relation to her looks being so important. We don't really know why that is. It's true that looks, sex, and things of that sort tend to make us put up with more than we normally would, but I wouldn't assume that simply because he said she was a "beautiful horrible woman" that all he was infatuated with was her looks. In all fairness, she could've been a horrible woman anyway. Either way, of course if you were with a beautiful girl or had sex that blew your toenails off your feet, you're gonna pine for that a bit. Doesn't exactly mean your world revolved around it.

 

If offered a choice to lend a summation of his ex in as few words as possible, he used "beautiful but horrible." Not, "a great match but boring." Not, "smart and clever, but an alcoholic." Not, "amazing to my kid, but kind of mean to me."

 

... "Beautiful but horrible." The implication is there. How many people have made threads that went like this... "I was dating this ugly but mean woman, and I just can't get over her, and nothing else compares." No one does that. If people don't possess qualities that we can redeem, we don't sweat them. In this case, clearly, it was her overwhelming beauty that created the problem for him.

 

Also, as for the sex, most men don't say "the sex was amazing" if they don't feel that the woman is beautiful. "The woman was ugly, but the sex was amazing." Sure, you'll find some aberrations, but they aren't prevalent. No matter what a person's qualities, whenever we think we've hit some kind of "jackpot" with the opposite sex, it always stings more, takes a lot longer to recover from, and causes us more grief.

 

No one can say "that's all he cared about", but again, clearly there is emphasis being placed here. And again, there is nothing wrong with admiring a beautiful woman, but when we become too possessed by beauty then sometimes our relationship will suffer. This woman probably craves a guy who understands that's she's beautiful but rarely makes a big deal of it.

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In this case, clearly, it was her overwhelming beauty that created the problem for him.

 

I wouldn't say clearly. That's still an overanalysis based on assumption. For all we know, he's addicted to the drama. You see plenty of those types of threads here. There was emphasis placed on that as well. I've no doubt his head is somewhat clouded, but I wouldn't attempt to tell him what his problem is with such little info to go on.

 

Also, as for the sex, most men don't say "the sex was amazing" if they don't feel that the woman is beautiful.

 

They don't?

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I wouldn't say clearly. That's still an overanalysis based on assumption. For all we know, he's addicted to the drama. You see plenty of those types of threads here. There was emphasis placed on that as well. I've no doubt his head is somewhat clouded, but I wouldn't attempt to tell him what his problem is with such little info to go on.
On these boards, you can only go by what someone offers you. You can't make stuff up. I responded to what he offered. Not sure why you have a problem with that, or how you can call it "overanalysis". Are you trying to say that he'd be equally distraught if he didn't think her so beautiful? That just denies human nature.

 

 

They don't?

No, they don't.
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On these boards, you can only go by what someone offers you. You can't make stuff up. I responded to what he offered. Not sure why you have a problem with that, or how you can call it "overanalysis". Are you trying to say that he's be equally distraught if he didn't think her so beautiful? That just denies human nature.

 

No problem at all, jett. We're all entitled to form our own analysis.

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OP, for me, I was more miserable with her. After a year, I'm doing really really well. I now realize she was not right for me and life can't be any better now. She was beautiful on the outside, but ugly and selfish on the inside. I don't miss her at all anymore and I'm glad I have moved in another direction. You will too, just give it some time.

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toxic relationships whether they are physically beautiful or not are a bugger to get over and free from, but you do get there and when you do, its such a relief more than anything, a mind and heart free from al the painful dramas...just ahhhhhhhhh

 

some of tho may need a lil bit of help to remove them last few barbs of baggage, but again, this is better than staying with someone unhealthy by far

 

also, my ex thought i was beautiful, and i used to wonder is he just into me because of my 'looks' or me. He would make comments tho bout other beautiful peeps where it seemed like he had mini love affair going on in some fantasy part of his brain...my self esteem and worth nose dived and we hit probs.

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Spot on! and I'd like to add that miserable alone has a limit of sorts, meaning it only gets worse to a point and then you get used to it, heal and start feeling content and eventually happy again.

 

Miserable with a toxic psycho doesn't have said limit. Just when you think it can't get any worse she will pull out even more stops to make sure it does....and it will, to the point of being unbearable.

 

The difference is that of having a headache and waiting for the pills to work as opposed to someone hitting you in the head with a hammer, then a mallet, then a sledgehammer, then a Jackhammer, then a wrecking ball, then an asteroid...and so on.

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i can relate to it, im going through a very similar thing right now myself, and although our suffering seems heavy, i believe that in the end, we made the right chooice not being with this person.

eventually you will get over her and find someone else, who perhaps will be less beautiful, but u will actually love her for her qualities and she will love you back for who you are.

Dont give up, you made the right chooice for sure.

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