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I can't stop crying...


Salem

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Apparently I signed up to this site 03/03/2009

 

I don't remember why. It makes me wonder if I've had a problem for a while now, and been trying to reach out for a while now.

 

All I know is right now I need someone to talk to.

 

I'm in my bed, hiding under my covers, unable to face up to any of my commitments, feeling pathetic mostly as I know I have no reason to feel this way.

 

But I can't talk my self out of feeling this way, I usually can, I can usually get over it, get up, walk out of the room, face it, do something, but... right now even posting this anonymous post to people who may never read it seems far too invasive. Too much.

 

This is almost ridiculous. Is this simply a matter of spoilt little rich girl can't hack it? I'm lucky, I know I'm lucky, I have no real problems, I have nothing to wish for, nothing to suffer for, I just want whoever reads this to know I know that I shouldn't feel this way, that maybe I'm just being weak minded and pathetic, that I'm being self indulgent, that there is nothing wrong with me or my situation it is just by mental agility that is lacking... I'm a freaking cliche. I don't know why I am posting this to sound like such a cliche. Maybe it's safer.

 

Screw advice, screw pretending like I'm a mature, together individual. I just want someone to tell me what to do, to tell me how to fix it. I lie, I want someone to fix it for me while I lie in bed and wait for it to all go away.

 

But this isn't going away right now. This will still be here, and be worse tomorrow. I can't just drag on this evasion to life. I have university, I have commitments, they're not going away, they will be here forever. This can't be the rest of my life.

 

Why is no one here for me? Why can't I tell anyone about it? My mother will dismiss it, my father will get angry at me, my brother has his own problems, my best friend will indulge it, my other friends are fair weather and far away.

 

And they will all think I'm being ridiculous and pathetic. I don't want them to know this side of me. As once it is revealed to them I can't take it back, they can't forget it, and they definitely won't let me forget it. I wont reach out to them, and look vulnerable, pathetic...

 

It all comes down to my parents coddling me, that isn't the problem, I'm not blaming them, they are trying their best, technically they have done everything right by me, everything, absolutely freaking everything, but when it came time to choose the university degree that would define the rest of my life I was immature, unsure, disinterested, confused. I had no idea, I had no idea who I even was.

 

I still have no idea, but I know I made the wrong choice. But after 5 years of convincing my parents I had made the right one, that I had made a grown up decision I could stand by, after 5 years of denial and I realise I can't keep it up for 5 years more, I can't keep it up for the rest of my life, but I can't change this now, I've wasted too much time. This isn't a game, this is my life, real life, I can't hit reset, I can't remake this decision, but I can't just drag it on any longer. I need to fix this today.

 

It seems too fickle, so trivial, so meaningless what is bothering me, but it's just so out of control... It's just slipping right now. I'm overwhelmed by my inability to just fix it this time. It seems I just keep making the wrong decisions, and they are accumulating and I no longer trust my self to make decisions about my own life as I'm constantly getting it so so wrong. I wouldn't mind getting it so wrong if there weren't people always there watching, if my parents weren't there investing so much of their own time and money into me, giving me no excuse to get it wrong, there to be critical and disappointed when I fail. When I fail it fails them, it means they have wasted their lives on my hopeless case, I can't ruin their lives as well as my own, it's not fair on them. BUT I also know it is not fair on me, to feel that overwhelming pressure from them, for my life to be theirs, their control on me, over my life, their ownership of it, my dad has said, outright, that my life is not mine, that I can't make decisions without concerning him as HE is the one paying for my education. That when I'm grown up, married, have a job, then I can make my own decisions... until then...

 

It's not just my parents, it's my lecturers, it's my friends, I manipulate people, I come accross as ridiculously competent, I lure people in, I make them trust me, put faith in me, give me responsibility, I actively take on more and more and more responsibility, I ask for it, for people to be impressed by me, more extra curricular activities, more mentoring opportunities and I stumble, I fall, I fail, I let them down... So far, so far I haven't let anyone down, but the cracks are appearing. I am usually very good at covering up my fails, but they are all coming to the surface, soon everyone will know the truth about how pathetic I am, the real hopeless me.

 

This is mostly to do with university right now, university is the problem I need to fix right now, my social anxiety, my insecurity, my obsessive family, my brothers suicide threats - they, right now, need to take a break so I can fix this one thing. This time consuming monetary drama. This time consuming, money hungry crutch hat is inhibiting me spending time and energy to discover or think about what else I might be doing. What I might like to do...

 

This could be the final year of my Master Degree, but I am putting it off as I am not ready. University starts again this week, and I'm just too burnt out. My electives are all over the shop, I'm not correctly enrolled, I didn't take a break these holidays. I'm tired.

 

I am trying to think how far back this story begins, and it begins in my last year of highschool. The run down:

 

2005 - Year 12 - High School - I'm smart, I'm lazy, I am the Extra-Curricular prefect, I try hard publicly, in private I don't study, I have no internal drive, no goal. I decide eventually on the degree I want to do, I decide on the University I want, I should get a mark of 93.5 to get in. This should be an easy mark for me to get. I end up getting a mark of 92.5. I literally miss out my one mark. I should have got 95 or above. I remember dropping from high level maths to low level as I was lazy, I remember dropping Japanese to do Drama, I remember not studying for the Art exam as I should have been clever enough to get through it, I remember a boy visiting my less than a week out from my chemistry exam, and me telling him to go home, not as I had to study, but as my mum would be home soon, and boys are not allowed. Maybe I wasted too much time on sports, on public speaking, on applaudable public pursuits. Maybe I wasted to much time applying make-up in the mornings as I felt ugly and worthless without it. Whatever, it hurts, I missed out by one mark so had to go to my 2nd choice university. It was my 2nd choice as university had a higher entry mark, and supposedly more attractive people, and going there would make me a better person.

 

2006 - My first year of university. I hate it. From day 1 it is apparent I have chosen the wrong degree, everyone there has more of a clue. I'm such a small fish. Most people there have real passion for this degree. I don't, I chose it on a whim, and because it was a subject not offered by the university close to my house. My living arrangements are horrible. For the first few weeks I travel the 5 hour round trip every day. Eventually my parents realise this is ridiculous. I live with a family friends for a week. I then live with a 50 year old woman I met at orientation week for a few weeks, I eventually move into the spare bedroom of a young married couple, my father pays the rent. The room is small, the arrangement is ridiculous, there is no privacy, no room, no fun, I see my parents every weekend, they call every night, there is no freedom despite the difference. I spend much of my time lugging huge amounts of luggage on trains back and forth, sneaking out, wasting time travelling, panicking, procrastinating, not knowing what I'm doing, not willing to ask for help, going badly in my subjects, not making good friends. I'm scared everyone in my degree can see I'm a talentless fraud and don't deserve to be there, that my parents know what I'm really up to, that my friends know how repressed I really am. I'm not honest with anyone. I almost fail my subjects and I also get in trouble with the police for trashing a hotel room, my parents have no idea, they think it is fine and letting me move out of home was an ok choice... but they still call every night and see me every week to check on me.

 

2007 - By this point I've realised how far talk can get you without having to do work. I go to open lectures, talks I don't have to go to, I skip a lot of class as I feel overwhelmed and fake, but I go to extra curricular classes, where I can dress up in formal clothing, sit for an hour surrounded by professionals, then go home without feeling too badly about not doing my university work. It's a miracle I pass again. I meet a very driven boy who also attends these open lectures, he is in the year above me. At the end of year ball we hook up, but I'm always too buy trying to impress him, I'm never honest with him, our non relationship is based on lies, I avoid him, I don't let him get close to me, I'm terrified of it actually, he eventually leaves. This year I am living in an apartment my parents pay the rent for, I am sharing with a girl I hate. her parents pay her rent also. I hate being around a stranger so often, she is prettier and smarter than me, has a long term boyfriend, I hate her.

 

2008 - Aforementioned boy's best friends was the university representative for the student branch of the professional association related to my degree for 2007. It's a big deal. He needs a replacement for 2008. I say I'll do it. He thinks I'm clever, I'm motivated, I'm organised and keen and involved. I get the position. In 2008 I am the representative. I am over my head. I make talks to other students in lectures, I try and run events, It's generally disorganised and chaotic on my end, but I somehow pull it all off. However I fail a class. My fail is unjust and under questionable circumstances, a university lawyer gets involved, the Head of Program gets involved (and is my friends, is impressed with me, is on my side), in the end the fail stands, I have pissed off one of the most well renowned award winning professionals in the country (he was the guest lecturer of the course I failed). But under a special arrangement I do not have to repeat the exact same class, I can do a substitution.

 

2009 - I do my substitution class. It is a class I have done before. I speak to the course convener, we become acquaintances, I act smart and informed, I take on extra work, he is impressed by me and my motivation, I speak up in classes. I do some extra classes and eventually catch up with my peers who I got left behind when i failed the course. It is like nothing ever happened. I do lots of extra classes, hard classes, extra curricular activities. I end up dropping an elective as I'm not spending enough time on it, im too busy doing other things. I still see my parents once a week. I am now living in the same apartment, but with my younger brother who has started university. I still see my parents once a week, they visit now, my brother is always here, it is claustrophobic. Again it is a miracle I pass, but I have caught up, and my average mark is quite good. I think my masters degree is off to a good start.

 

During the end of year break one of the special electives I did involves out of semester commitment. I take on far too much commitment, more than anyone else in the class. This involves a 3 week trip. On the 3 week trip I start a ridiculous manipulative and confusing relationship with the trips project manager. Again I'm not honest with him, I just want him to want and respect me. He thinks I'm smart and driven and he is impressed by me. Upon returning from the trip this eventually gets messy, I'm too weird, too distant, he gets frustrated, he leaves. I'm not sure if we're still friends. I also take on a special course over the summer break, it is run by the course convener from the repeated course who is so impressed with me and my lies. Only 4 people are doing this special course. I am also enrolled in another special course - but I have not attended one class and will have to un-enroll... I hope I can do so without academic penalty but I may have left this too late.

 

With the current special class I am overwhelmed, I am burnt out, I am not doing the required work, there are only 4 of us enrolled so it is so apparent I am letting the ball slip. The other 3 students are unsure what is wrong, the lecturer is frustrated I am not doing my work. I am too far behind. I want to just drop the course but I'm unsure if I can without academic penalty. I have not paid my tuition for either of these special courses... I may get get automatically unenrolled.

 

Next semester starts this week. If I overload I can finish this year. But I wont. But if I drop these 2 special courses My degree may drag on for a year extra. I keep dropping electives, they are catching up. I don't know what to do, I don't want to finalise my enrollment for this semester. I am overwhelmed and confused. I need to go to a meeting on Thursday for the special course, I haven't done any work, I need to finalise my enrollment and I can't make a decision. The real world is so close, I almost have my masters in a degree that I hate.

 

It's a mess... And now I need to go meet up with some friends to see an exhibition I invited them too (I got the invite by some professional I manipulated a while ago, for a while we were friends, he found me charming and intelligent, I eventually let the ball slip, I bailed on him too many times, I still occasionally get good invited though), which I don't want to go to, and I can't leave my brother at home as his boyfriend dumped him and he is depressed. He wants to confide in me, he wants me to mke it better. One of the friends I invited will want to talk about her failed relationship, im always fixing things for her, she is 30 yet I am constantly giving her advice on how to cope. My best friend is going too, ... he is just like me. I don't know what to do about even the simplest things. I can't even decide if I want to have a shower or not.

 

Today I had to call the Dr to make an appointment for my brother as he is very depressed about his boyfriend dumping him on mardi gras (oh, the irony?) about the fact he's gay and my parents can't even handle the though of my having a boyfriend let alone him, because his degree is more demanding than mine, because he is the smart child and he can no longer handle the pressure of perfection etc,

 

I also had to call my dentist as my wisdom teeth are coming through and I need to book an appointment with a dental surgeon (which I don't have time for!), I also need to go pick up my new glasses as I have a degenerative corneal disease, which I also need to book a surgery for, which I also don't have time for, and my degree is based in aesthetics, and using my eyes is SUCH an important part, and this is so inconvenient. I feel like I can't even rely on my health. I feel like a hypochondriac, I feel like I can;t talk about this stuff either as I feel like I'm faking, like it's just an excuse, like this can't really be real...

 

I just feel stupid to be concerned by this, I feel inadequate, I feel ugly and unworthy and like I'm falling apart, and I can't stop crying and I never cry, NEVER!

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Are you currently in counseling or therapy? Have you been in the past? Is it something you've considered for yourself now? It sounds like you need some guidance and someone to help you get yourself and everything in your life sorted out. You might even need some type of medication to help you function better.

 

I would print that post out and take it with you to a therapist's appointment. It would really give them a good insight into how you are feeling right now.

 

take good care- it sounds like you're having a tough time right now.

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I actually decided to print this pretty much immediately after I posted it. I looked up the university counselor website and I'm going to drop in tomorrow.

 

I re-read it and realised, well... it wasn't good. It's the first time I've ever externalised it though, so I guess that's good.

 

No, I've never been to a therapist. Funnily enough in my family situation I'm always the "sane" one. And friends always come to me for advice as they think I'm mature and have insight. My father actually thought I should be a therapist. The irony just kills me, if only they knew what was happening in my head. But because of this I just felt like going to a therapist was ridiculous as I can see my problems, I'm aware of them, In a way I function quite well, other people have no idea...

 

I find it very very difficult to talk about it, to let other people see any weakness in me, I feel like a therapist would judge me, would find me problems to be the same old spoiled child scenario crap they would get from most university students. I feel like the wouldn't care, would be bored by it, would judge me, and would prefer to help someone with real problems.

I suppose I shouldn't feel bad about being spoiled... but if I read this post from someone as well off as I am I don't think I could respect them, I think I would judge them, I think I would tell them to just get over it and appreciate how lucky they are...

 

I don't even think I want to talk to the counselor. I don't actually think I can physically vocalise how I feel. I really don't think I can open my mouth and say any of this to anyone. I don't want to look someone in the eye and be honest about how I feel. I want them to like me and not see me as this odd weak individual. The only way I can post this is because I feel distanced from it, almost like it's another person. I don't know if they can help me if all I give them is the previous post. But I'm not really functioning anymore I suppose, and tonight I abruptly bailed on my friends after I just got too tired of pretending I was happy. I've never cracked in public before, I've never just stormed off for no apparent reason. I just cracked it at my mother over the phone and told her to go see a therapist as she was being neurotic and I just didn't think it was fair right at that moment when what I wanted was for her to ask if I was ok rather than moan about how my brother didn't call her tonight. I guess seeing the counselor is better than nothing, even if they can just help me make a decision about university.

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I hate this site, I hate the fact I got a warning for using the word bulls...

 

As if I'm not stressed enough editing my self in every other aspect of my life. This isn't real, editing emotion.

 

I'm at a loss though, and have no where else to go.

 

I got out of bed, I got dressed, I left my brother a letter wishing hi

a good day as I was concerned he was still asleep.

 

I printed the previous post.

 

I went to uni to see the counselor.

 

I was told there are no appointments left for today.

 

I thought they opened at 930... Turns out they open at 9. All full.

 

I said ok.

 

Its now 1045, I haven't made it further than the bathrooms 10 meters from the office.

 

I collapsed on the floor in a cubicle, I cried, a lot, at some point I realised I should shut the door. Then I sat back on the floor.

 

Someone walked in, I stifled my crying.

 

They leave. More people walk in, do their thing, leave.

 

A group of people enter, one jokingly says "it's a full house in here!" it occurs to me I can be seen sitting on the floor. So get up and sit on the toilet.

 

Like a bad dream the door swings open. I guess I didn't lock it.

 

I hastily shut it to the group of people waiting.

 

One by one they use the cubicle next to mine, wash their hands, leave.

 

They're all gone. I cry again at the panic I feel every time someone comes it.

 

But I can't leave. I can't.

 

Then I'm angry, at these selfish detached people, who see me on the floor, so close to the counselors office, and ignore me.

 

I vandalise my sentiments in pencil accross the back of the toilet door.

 

I continue to cry.

 

Now I sit here wearing my sunglasses as it's too bright, I can't leave, my head hurts, I've stopped crying, my eyes hurt, I don't know where to go or what to do. I needed to see someone today. I can't sit in this cubicle for the rest of my life... It's cold.

 

So I post.

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How did you get out of it?

 

I just feel so deep in it. I can't call the crisis hotline, ijust really can't do this over a phone. I just really needed just one person who walked in here to ask if I was ok. No one did...

 

I don't know if I can just walk back to the office and ask to see someone.

 

Other people got there at 9 and needed help too...

 

I can't go back home.

 

I'm so sorry I know I sound insane, of course I should be able to just walk out of here, but I honestly just can't.

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Most counseling centers are not set up for crisis situations, so its normal to have to wait for an appointment. That is why crisis counseling is done over the phone. It sounds like you really need some help, so you're going to need to be patient so you can wait until you can get in to see someone in person. I understand that its hard to feel patient at this time, but in order to get the help you need and want, you'll have to hang in there until they can see you face to face.

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Thank you, both of you, I think I may have completely freaked out if I'd had no responce from anyone. The counselors office just called, they have had a cancellation later today. So I will be seeing someone today, now it's just a matter of do I sit in the cubicle for the next 3 hours, or can I leave? I'm still concerned about what to say to them, but, whatever, I'm not going to cancel, sometimes one just can't be expected to be prepared.

 

Again, thank you.

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I'm glad you got an appointment. I am sure the counselor will want you to talk about why you are seeking counseling when you first come in, but I do think that your posts on this thread would be very helpful for them to have more insight into the issues you are struggling with, so if you can, I would bring those in with you.

 

Good luck!

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I'm relieved to hear you will be seen. Don't be ashamed because I'm sure they have heard MUCH worse than this. My son's doctor told me one time not long ago that he was in the worst shape of anyone he had seen all day. We were the winners.

 

If you ever want to say a bad word here, just use ass.

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You sound alot like myself. In many ways we seem to share the same confusion. I have no idea what i'm doing with my life. I've been in a community college for three years just messing around. What for? I don't know. I dont know what i want from life, or where i'm going or ANYTHING. I feel out of control, i'm angry all the time, I guess instead of being sad, I'm angry. I want so badly to know what I want, to have that drive that I see others have. I want to know what i'm supposed to do, I wish someone would just tell me! Life is crazy, i'm really glad you got into see a counselor, I actually went to a counselor and she pretty much told me to come back when I was ready to be SERIOUS. I have a hard time actually taking what she says seriously, I laugh, I guess its easier to laugh than to be serious, to show emotions. Here its easy because I don't have to see you, and you can't see me. We have alot in common, if you ever want to chat via instant messenger let me know. I think we could maybe help each other by talking about this stuff.

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Trixie, I actually had a similar experience with the counselor. It was disconcerting. I did not feel like she took me seriously at all.

 

She was super bubbly, over the top, happy happy happy.

 

She asked me what was wrong, I explained that I'd had what I assumed was a panic attack of sorts, I explained the crying, I explained the bathroom episode, I explained I had posted on this forum and brought the print out with me as I find it all very had to talk about.

 

She kept smiling in my face. I asked if she wanted the print out, and she didn't.

 

She didn't ask any leading questions, it was up to me to do all the work. There were so many awkward silences with here just sitting there grinning until I spoke. And she would repeat everything I said in a sing-song voice whilst smiling and nodding.

 

I'm unsure if the point of a counselor is to simply give you a place to vocalise what you need to?

 

We only had 25 minutes together, I felt rushed, she didn't take me seriously, I made another appointment in 2 weeks, but she didn't help me sort anything out, she didn't give me any advice.

 

She kept saying things like "You have an idea why you feel this way." "You know what you have to do" "Wow, you are very conflicted, do you know this?"Can you take these feelings with you now?" Like, it was so normal for me to feel this way. That it is all so cool, that I was so fine to sort all this out on my own.

 

ass.

 

I have never met anyone less interested or more insincere.

 

I'm not sure if I feel any better. On the plus side I made it out of the bathroom. On the downside I went there for advice on how to sort out my upcoming semester at least and she didn't help me with it at all.

 

I do feel more than every like it is just up to me to sort my crap out and no one else can really help me.

 

I'll PM you now with my email address etc.

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Salem, have you thought about going to your GP and seeing if he/she will give you a referral to see a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist?

 

I understand this might not go over well with your parents. However, hopefully the end will justify the means.

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Salem,

 

You have to try to separate the panic you feel and the guilt that tells you you're 'spoiled' (and it is the depressed part of you that is telling you that) from the realization that you are not well at the moment and need some support.

 

If you are not happy with your college counsellor I would recommend seeing your doctor and asking for a referral to a psychiatrist or psychologist. It sounds to me like you need to discuss things and possibly take an anti-depressant. But don't allow your doctor to fob you off with a prescription, make sure that you get an appointment to see a counsellor.

 

If there are specific triggers for feeling this way it can help a lot to discuss them on here.

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I don't feel that is an option right now as just a few days ago I made an appointment for my brother at my GP as he needed a referral to a psychologist.

 

I feel now if I go to my GP he will be a bit wow, does your entire family have issues?

 

Well yes, it is my entire family.

 

When I spoke to my mother on the phone tonight she told me that tomorrow she wants to check her self into a mental asylum as she feels she is the problem. This was sparked by a comment I made to her over the phone last night. I don't know how serious she is, she is occasionally serious about such things. I told her if she wanted to get help I thought that was a great idea, as I saw a counselor today. She flat out did not hear me and continued her rant. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

 

And when I spoke to my dad he went on a rant about how he feels he had failed himself and me, blah blah blah university isn't hard, he did it whilst supporting himself in a foreign country, blah blah blah people my age have children and are married, blah blah blah blah I don't respect him as I fight with my brother and wont tidy my room and these are the only things that will make the obsessive * * * * happy.

 

So yeah, I've thought about it, but it just doesn't seem a viable option right now whilst at the same time everyone else in my family is going insane.

 

THIS is what happens as soon as I lose the plot, as soon as I'm not there to calm everyone down, as soon as I start trying to be honest with them they all go insane.

 

My brother wants to kill himself, my mother wants to check into an asylum and my father is irrationally disappointed in me as right now I am not there for him. My brother doesn't speak to my parents, my mother doesn't speak to my father, and ditto my father to my mother. They just dump all their crap on me. Now if I were to go "Ok, hold up, I'm taking a break and going to see a shrink now" I just don't think they would get it.

 

It would make my brother feel worse about him self as he would blame himself for this.

My mother would think I'm stealing her thunder. She would freak out further.

And my dad is convinced I'm the only sane one in the family so would think I'm being a complete hypochondriac. He'd be disappointed. He'd ignore it.

 

I do feel extremely trapped by their irrationality and selfishness. None of them EVER ask how I am going. I'm always the one who needs to be there for them. This is the balance, this is the way it is, the way it always has been ever since I was just a kid, I don't know what will happen to them if I throw the balance further off...

 

 

Blah, again, thanks for the replies, in a way I do feel like I am just posting this up for my benefit, to just get it out of my system, replies are not entirely necessary, but they are appreciated.

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It's no wonder you are so upset. You are expected to be the glue to hold your family together. That is not fair!

 

And mental instability does run in families. Oh, God, and how!

 

Do not ignore your own problems because your brother needs help too. The doctors know these things are hereditary, they know it more than anyone and will not be the least bit surprised. And when one falls apart, it can be like a domino effect. Just stop worrying so much what everyone thinks about you. That is hard, but you have to let it go.

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To an extent I have sorted out my university mess.

 

I told my lecturer that I had a breakdown of sorts and couldn't really handle the subject right now. He understood, he even said he guessed it might happen, he said he saw it coming... I felt rotten about it. Not better, rotten. Rotten for making him worry about me, for wasting his time. For not un-enrolling from the course, for pretending like I deserve a special consideration. For not ending it but for dragging it out and involving him. For pretending like I could pull it all together, and still can. I'm probably delaying and complicating the inevitable.

 

I fixed my time table to an extent, at least I am somewhat enrolled now, for now.

 

But after partially sorting this one thing that had been consuming my mind, instead of feeling clearer or more functional I still can't get on with life. I feel that now the distraction is gone every other internal self obsession I have can surface again.

 

I'm paralyzed sitting here and thinking about how much I hate myself.

 

I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF.

 

That's it. That's all I can think. About how much I hate being me.

 

It's laughable. As on the one hand I see how irrational I'm being. Why should I hate myself? And I hate myself for the self hating.

On the other hand all I can understand are the reasons that I hate myself and I hate myself more for them.

 

Either way the hate is there.

 

I guess I'm posting this as this is the only place in which I am reaching out and sharing these emotions with anybody. And if I stop doing that...

 

I don't want attention. In a way I just really really want someone to tell me to get the f over it. I want to be embaressed into fixing myself. My posts are such whingey whining drivel. When I read them I cringe. When I read them I can see the irrationality behind them, I can see how I should just fix things, or ignore things, or cope with things. When I read them, as if they are another persons posts, I can get some perspective on what I'm saying, on how things are just not that bad, on how if those are all my problems I should feel so lucky. Small, simply, solvable problems. I'm just escalating them in my mind. I need to grow up and stop doing that.

 

Even reading this post... I sound like an adolescent. I don't like how I sound. Blah blah blah, my life isn't perfect. So what?

 

I have a diary, in my diary I indulge my negativity, I talk about the darkness I feel, I indulge it, I'm more honest about the pain and it always leaves me feeling worse after I've gone there.

 

I realise that I feel worse allowing my self to feel bad.

 

It does feel even worse to not let it out at all though. SO maybe there are ways of letting it out.

 

So on this site I'll be honest, but an edited kind of honesty, and instead of going down down down, I'll try to just try and see the situation for what it is. It's not that bad. It's really not.

 

I don't know. I think this helps. Even at this point of this post I think I feel better than I did at the start. Even if I'm just fooling my self into it. Distracting my self from the hate. If I'm not thinking about the hate I can't wallow in it, if I force my self to think about the good maybe I can ... believe it?

 

I suppose I can believe the positive until the next wave of negativity, self loathing and insecurity creeps back into the forefront on my consciousness, It's always there, but I can possibly choose to ignore it, or distract myself from it, but I wan't to end this post on a positive despite myself. Or at least end this post on a note where I'm not completely consumed by these feelings, even if for a moment I'm just lying to myself. Even if the momentary lie gives me just a second of relief it's worth it. It seems so much effort for just a second of quiet. And now that this post has reached an end I'm done with lying to myself as even when I'm trying to post all the positive there is a negative internal monologue consuming me, wondering how I could lie to my self about how I feel?

 

Is that all happy people do? Focus, gain perspective, live the lie?

 

Seriously. I'm probably not sick, depression is probably a construct of a spoiled society. I do doubt people struggling for survival and without the time to post this self indulged stuff would experience it. I'm sure if I had a pressing urgency to do something else I wouldn't be thinking about this. So I strongly suspect I could make it all stop with sheer will power/distraction.

 

But I also realise how ridiculously cerebral our society can be, that I need to keep up, and would just like drugs to fix it. And that feels like a cop out.

 

I don't know there are no conclusions here tonight... BUT maybe there might be?

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I am facing the same thing right now. My parents would give me anything that I want but I am not happy. I am struggling in school. Gosh life can be so depressing but I am not giving up. I pray everyday. I try to read many books to find answers to my depression. I have a diary too and I usually write about my wishes, my dreams, and my desires. I tried counseling once but I felt that it was sort of ridiculous. To be going to see a counselor it is like self-defeating. Like you are admitting that you have a problem. You should try to pray everyday. It will help.

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