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Completely shocked and in need of advice


Stretchb

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Hi. I really need help.

I'm 35 and she 31.

I was just told by my girlfriend, of over a year and a half, that she needs some time and space. This completely blindsided me. This absolutely came from out of no where. As far as I knew, we were both very much in love. I do know at this point that she is not seeing anyone. Though I'm certain something has caught her attention.

 

She told me she was at a bar and got hit on. She didn't accept at the time, but I think it got her thinking that she would like to try something else out. So she told me that she needed some space. And now I am absolutely devastated.

 

Of course when she told me, I freaked out and made all the wrong moves. I first got angry, then begged. She broke down and said we could continue, but less than 24 hours later, I went back to her house and said I could hear it in her voice that she didn't really want to stay together. So I told her I would give her the space she asked for. She accepted and said she just needed some time for herself.

 

And of course, again, I didn't stop contact. The next morning I went to her house to shovel snow from the driveway. Then I sent text through out the week. I invited her to the auto show with me and my daughter on that Friday, with her and her two children, and she accepted. Then, I stupidly wrote her an e-mail apologizing, and way over the top apologizing, saying I was sorry I hadn't included my daughter in our relationship prior to this. (She had wanted for a long time for us all to do things together. I have a 9 y/o daughter, and she has a 6 y/o daughter and 4 y/o son. On weekends I had my daughter we wouldn't do anything together cause I was initially being protective of my daughter, and then because I was afraid of my x-wife disapproving. And then over time, I guess I was just being selfish.)

 

Well, after she read the e-mail, she sent a text saying she thought it would be best if we didn't go to the show together. She said all she had asked for was some space and I hadn't given it to her. That I had called or sent text back and fourth all week. She apologized for canceling our plans but said she just needed some space.

 

Then I sent another e-mail. "I know I haven't given you the space you asked for. But Mandi, please understand why, and please give me a little bit of empathy and tolerance for me clinging on like I have been. I had no idea, not a single tiny clue this was going to happen. If I would have told you to leave me alone for a while and give me some space while you were still in love with me, you would of really freaked out too.

 

I'm going to back away from you and leave you alone now. I'm sorry for being so stubborn about it and seeming so desperate. I hope you do well with whatever you are going to do. I don't want anything bad for you. I will always want you to feel welcome to call me or contact me. Maybe some day we could try again, the way I feel right now, I definitely don't want to abandon that possibility.

 

So goodbye until the next time I hear from you. I really hope everything turns out ok for you. You don't have to, but I really hope you will reply to this email just so I know that you have read it and acknowledged what I've said. I promise i wont reply back or add anything more after this. I'm sorry for making this so complicated for you over the last week, but it's been an absolute nightmare for me, and that's why I would like to know that you at least recognize how this could hurt me so bad.

 

OK, I've said enough.

 

Goodbye Mandi. Good luck. And I do love you.

 

Stretch"

 

She replied, "I am just asking for a little space. That's all. I'm not saying I don't want to be with you ever, just some space for now. I'm sorry for hurting you so much. I never meant to do that.

 

I will always love you and care for you.

 

Mandi"

 

That e-mail was on Thursday morning. It's now late Sunday night and I have not contacted her since. Though it is absolutely crushing me.

 

What do I do now? I was reading some other post in here, and I know that I have got to leave her alone. My question now is, should I tell her I want to give each other our keys and belongings back. She has not said anything about wanting her house keys back or wanting to give me mine back. But reading some of the other post in here, I'm wondering if I can gain any upper hand and start paving the way for her to come back to me, if I tell her I think it would be best if we gave each other our stuff back.

 

I want her back so-so bad. I was positive she was the one I was going to marry someday. I have never had a woman love me so much and be so compassionate towards me. She has always been so-so loving to me, and we really had a good relationship together. She had even wanted to move in together and we always talked about "when" we were going to get married someday. And though I was very hesitant in the beginning, I grew to love her more than anyone I have ever loved. She made me fall so much in love with her due to the great relationship we built, including the greatest sex life either of us have ever had, and the way she was so loving to me.

 

Now, do I just stay out of contact and in wait? Or should I try to get her thinking about possibly wanting me back by trying to throw a trump card and saying I would like to give each other our stuff back and that I want to get on with my life? Try to turn it around by using the reverse physiology thing. I'm afraid to do that, cause to be honest, I am holding on to the fact that she hasn't asked for her belongings back as it meaning she hasn't totally cut me out of her life yet. And if I e-mail her saying I want to give each others keys and stuff back, I know to be nice about it, but how nice? What do I say exactly?

 

God I need help. I'm a strong man. Good looking and proud. But I have never been hurt like this. Like I said, this came as a complete shock to me. And I want her back so bad. I need to know how to move forward.

 

Help, please!

Stretch

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If she wants her keys and stuff back, then she'll ask for them. You're just making up excuses to talk to her man. Stay with NC. She said that she needed space, so give it to her. Not giving her space right now would be a huge mistake. If it's only been a week of you still talking to her when she wanted space, then no damage has been done. If you keep it up however, then it's going to become a problem. I know it's hard, and i know it hurts, but there are far worse things that could happen to you. If you really are a strong guy, then show it to her. Show her that you're fine without her, by staying strong and giving her what she asked for... space.

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I'm only going to post one time on this subject. Listen and listen good. she asked for space, give her the space. stop begging. We all know you want her bad.... She knows you want her bad.. right now, pull back and i mean, Waaaay back from her.. let her make up her mind to come back.. you told her how you felt & you told her you would like to continue the relationship, it's up to her to decide now. You cannot force, convince or trick her into wanting to continue the relationship.

and please stop contacting her in any form, stop begging, stop apologizing, stop everything. Relax, relax, relax, relax. That's all you can & must do.

if things work out, let it be because it was natural & her decision, rather than being forced or coerced

 

SHE WANTS SPACE, accept her decision & give her her space. Live your life and please please please stop begging her or pleading with her at this point. it's weak, very weak.. Live your life without her for now & if she wants to come back on her own accord, then fine.

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This is such a hard situation, but my ex said the same thing, he wanted space for a while and time to"work on himself" BS if you ask me, in the end he dumped me.

Seems like she has already made up her mind and wants to shop around, and if she does not find someone better than you, well than she will come back.

 

Don't get your hopes up too much and don't contact her. If she has decided she needs space, trust me it is not something that just came to her, such things and thought through over and over until these people pull away and want their so called space.

 

Ask for your keys back and don't let her push you around. She wants a little space? Space for what? Does she expect you to wait? What exactly are you waiting for, what is her reason for her so called space? Does she want to date around, flirt? If so, why would you want such a person anyway?

 

Don't contact her, don't shovel her snow, let her do it.

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There are two things about space that I can comment on based on my limited experience with it...

 

1) Space generally means there is something wrong in the relationship. you've been arguing too much, or butting heads and time is needed to recover from it and figure a way forward. Or, the relationship is missing something for one of the couple and they need to back off to get it clear in their head what it is they do want. This can often be because an outside force has exerted itself to make the other person aware they are missing something. I've also known of space being used as a means to shag someone else for a bit, to see if that suits a person better.

 

2) Space generally, but not always, means the beginning of the end. I've described it as the 'steps up to the doorway of goodbye'.

 

 

Your actions have been rather typical, but they have also hurt your case. My suggestion would be to stay NC. Get on with your life as if you have broken up and forget about her. If she comes back, then she'll come back, at which point you need to ask her what that was all about. If she asks for her stuff back, then you know for certain.

 

Even if the space is so she can deal with some serious family issues, 18 months in my mind is long enough that you should be involved. So this still leads me to believe that it's the relationship she is having issues with. And if she's been out and been hit on and this is making her feel wanted, then she is missing something in the relationship and is seeking comfort with another. I guess you won't truly know until it is resolved either way.

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I know the pain of being blindsided. It hurts. Bad.

 

As an outsider, reading your situation, my instinct is to tell you- do not contact her at all.

 

None of us know why she is asking for space. We can't read her mind. It might be leading to a break up, it might not.

 

But I truly believe that if you want any shot at all here, you need to stay clear away from her and let her reach out to you.

 

I will share something with you- this was not a break up situation or a romantic relationship, but I was once in a situation with someone in my life where I needed some space from them. I told them explicitly that I would contact them when I was ready. They would not respect my wishes. They kept reaching out to me when I did not want to hear from them. In that case, the fact that they would not respect my wishes was a huge obstacle to resolving the issues between us.

 

I remember how I felt back then- I needed them to wait until they heard from me. It really made me angry that they would not respect my wishes. It amplified all my negative feelings about the person.

 

So that is why even though it goes against every impulse in your body, I really believe that you should just back off.

 

Chasing after someone who is distancing from you is just going to push them further away. Pull away and if they are going to come back towards you, they will, but only on their own time.

 

I'm sorry about your situation. ENA will definitely help you though!!

Hang in there!!

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Thanks for the advice so far. All of the replies so far are helpful. I hope I hear more thoughts on this.

 

I have never had a facebook account. Just didn't care to have one. Mandi has one, and had requested me as a friend over a year ago, but she knew I didn't do facebook, so I never joined and she didn't really care. Well, I just visited her facebook account, I left no trace of myself being there, but I seen that she has herself listed as single and in the interest category she selected, "men".

 

As I read that, my heart felt crushed yet again. I can't believe this. Should I ask for my stuff back?

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.....

 

From what you said it may have even been a case of using you until she is offered a greener pasture to lay in.

 

some people just don't like being without the comforts of someone else and will use them for the mean time while waiting for someone better.

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1) If you haven't realized it already, facebook is evil! Don't open it up to peer into her life. It will only hurt.

 

2) Most of the replies on here were pretty gloomy. I wouldn't worry about what she is/was doing or thinking. Right now she asked for space, so put your effort into giving her space.

 

3) Don't waste your time developing a strategy to get the upper hand. Take this time for you. Once you start speaking to her again you can think about what the right things to say are. But it is too soon for that now.

 

4) It was already said, but try to relax.

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ok...one of the biggest mistakes in dating is thinking that the person we are with is "unique" or i saw in your post, she was the most compassionate woman. get that out of your mind! she is probably a wonderful woman and that is why you fell in love with her and why you continue to love her. however, right now it sounds like a rough patch.

 

i hate it when people in relationship act like everything is fine and then one fine day tell the person who is madly in love with them that they need "space" and they need to "find themselves" or they're "not ready for a relationship". this is so stupid because it didn't HAPPEN IN ONE DAY! they have been CONTEMPLATING IT. she shouldn't be going to bars and having other guys hit on her either. PULEEEZZZZ.(PLEASE).

 

basically, she looks like she likes attention from men. don't look at her facebook-it will make you feel worse and she will feel like you are stalking her. she could have never changed her status in months. i'm a pretty good looking girl and i would never do that(bar scene flirting) to the man i love. and if he did that to me, we would have a pretty big problem too. i think she likes attention from you and you need to leave her alone and if she wants to get back together do it on YOUR TERMS. do not ask her about the keys or anything...give NC on your part for at least 2-3 weeks. after a month or so you can ask her what's up and decide if you want to continue her little games. let her miss you. you should start looking around too(not dating), but at least check out other women. it will make you feel better.

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Thanks so much for everyones thoughts on this. So the general consensus is to continue NC? I still keep wanting to tell her that we should exchange our things. But if you all think that I should just stay in NC and wait for her to tall me she wants her things back, than I'll follow that advice.

 

This forum is really helping me right now. Thanks to you all.

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As someone who has been where you are now for 3 months just go NC and leave her be. I have now decided to let go, I am now at a point where I am sick of his games and his lack of respect for me. IF someone loves you then they communicate with you, they don't ask for space from you. That's not how it works in my books anyway. I'm not trying to be negative, who knows, you might both work things out but for your own sake just start NC now and stick to it.

 

Wishing you all the best, I really do hope it works out for you. x

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Thanks Lucy1982.

 

I just keep wanting to make her think I'm done. I keep thinking that if she sees that I just want to move on, that she'll start to panic and not have the comfort of me being her backup plan. I keep thinking that it's my only hope.

 

I was thinking of an e-mail like,

 

"Hi Mandi I hope you're doing well. I'm doing fine.

 

Listen, I'm thinking it would probably be best if we gave each other our keys and stuff back. As far as for your extra furniture that's in the spare bedroom, it's perfectly fine if it stays there. I'm not using that room for anything, and I know you're limited on space right now. And hey, I'll only charge you a couple hundred dollars a month for storage. LOL, just teasing. Honestly, it's not a problem having it there. I don't mind at all.

 

So let me know when I can drop off your keys to you.

 

Thanks!

Stretch

 

But, if you all think it's not going to help me than I'll just stick to NC.

 

Thanks again everyone.

Stretch

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Ok, is this stuff that you just have to have, or are you looking for an excuse for contact?

 

This woman asked for the space. If you continue to contact her anyway, for whatever reason, you are only going to succeed in ticking her off and pushing her even further away, seriously.

 

Stop grasping for reasons to contact her. Give her the space she wants.

 

DO NOT CONTACT HER.

DO NOT CONTACT HER.

DO NOT CONTACT HER.

 

I do not know what the future holds for the two of you, but with each email/text/phone call, whatever you push her further and further away. Wait until she contacts you. Honestly I think that email would just annoy her.

 

I'm truly sorry for your pain. I've been on both ends of the spectrum and I'm really only trying to help.

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I really think you should leave it. I can't remember who said it to me in one of my posts but some wise enotaloner told me that to tell someone you're moving on isn't actually saying that, so just leave her be. NC really is the only way for you right now. ANY contact you make you'll kick yourself for sending (trust me, I've been there!) and she'll just retreat while it feeds her ego - don't give her the satisfaction. Do NC for you and because I know how you're feeling and you're thinking "but I want her to think about me so I'll contact her" just don't do it - she'll think of you more if you just vanish, she'll be expecting you to be in touch so just leave it.

 

Expect the worse and if she comes back then that is a bonus!

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Well, something has clicked inside me. I'm already feeling much better about things. I still have NC with her. And though it's only been a week, I feel like I want to let her go. I still love her and would give her another shot. But I'm exhausted from obsessing on getting her back. If this bird has flown, than there isn't really anything I can do.

 

You have all been great. And spending just a week on this forum really did help me. Thank you all.

 

I would like one more chance to hear your thoughts.

I am ready to give her her things back, whether that means it's over or not. I can't live in limbo any longer and have come to accept it if it is over. So I thought about dropping her stuff off, inside her garage, while she is at work. And possible leaving the following letter;

 

Hi pretty lady

 

I thought you might want your things back, and your keys, lol. I hope everything turns out well for you Mandi. You're a damn good woman and you deserve to be happy. I'm very sorry if I made any of this rough on you. My intention has only ever been to make you happy, from the day we started, all the way till now. And I truly mean that.

 

I feel good for you now that you are feeling your independence. I remember talking to you a while back about it, and telling you that I thought that you may want and need to experience this freedom some day soon. And though I can't help but think that this was helped along by you entertaining the thought of whatever guy hit on you that night at the bar with Jenny, none the less, you deserve to experience your life. Whether that means your life will be with another man, on your own for a while, or maybe even later down the road, possibly with me, you deserve the chance to live it how you see fit.

 

I have a very large amount of respect for you. I always will. And if this change in your life, that has made you decide to move forward without me, does involve you being with someone else, well, than I thank you for not dragging me along and hurting me in the long road. I thank/respect you for showing me enough repect that you didn't risk hurting me like that. Thank you.

 

You're a beautiful woman with an addicting personality and charisma. Though I don't want to make this sound too sappy, (you know how I like thinking how tough I am), I will always cherish and love the time we had together. You'll always have a place in my heart. And I will always remember the great love we shared.

 

God this is sounding too corny now, but it's true. So I guess I'll wrap this up. I wish nothing but the best for you. You deserve to be happy Mandi.

 

With love always, Stretch.

 

Please let me know if this sounds alright.

 

Thanks, Stretch

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Stretch,

 

NO.

 

Do NOT send that email. I empathize where you're at with all this, but you need to continue to pull back and respect her request. You could write the romantic novel of the century to her, and it would still have the opposite effect you're hoping for. LEAVE HER ALONE.

 

You need to redirect all this nervous energy toward yourself. The best chance of her "thawing out" and coming back around will happen if you LEAVE HER ALONE, and you need to use that time wisely by getting yourself to a confident and positive place. Emails like this, as heartfelt and touching as you may think it is, will be interpreted as needy, clingy, and desperate. Do NOT send this.

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Stretch,

 

NO.

 

Do NOT send that email. I empathize where you're at with all this, but you need to continue to pull back and respect her request. You could write the romantic novel of the century to her, and it would still have the opposite effect you're hoping for. LEAVE HER ALONE.

 

You need to redirect all this nervous energy toward yourself. The best chance of her "thawing out" and coming back around will happen if you LEAVE HER ALONE, and you need to use that time wisely by getting yourself to a confident and positive place. Emails like this, as heartfelt and touching as you may think it is, will be interpreted as needy, clingy, and desperate. Do NOT send this.

 

Thank you, and i agree with what you're saying, if I was still looking for the angle to bring her back. But the truth is, the way i feel at this moment, I want to leave this letter, along with her stuff at her house, and then never contact her again, if that's how it happens. And if that is what happens, than so be it.

 

I'm just tired of it already. I told her when she was first breaking my heart that she knew that I am a very strong person, and that I wouldn't stand by in wait for too long with my heart hanging out. I warned her, I warned her that she new my perseverance when faced with adversity, and that my pride wouldn't wait long before it rose to the occasion.

 

God! I'm just done. I swear I really-really love her. But I cannot sit here and be her back up plan. And I can't keep looking at my phone every time someone sends me a text, praying that it will be her.

 

I'm not going to do this today. I want to sit on it for 24 hours. And I swear, I really respect you and everyone else's opinion on here. I never knew a web site could be so helpful to me in my greatest moment of need. But God, I'm just tired of it already. I can't just sit with my life on hold like this. I couldn't do this to someone I love, if I really loved them. I'm just fed up already. I've always had the problem of letting my pride make decisions for me. I'm a very proud man. And I know this is probably just my pride wanting to scream and roar like a lion again. But damn it, I can't do this anymore!

 

If this turns her further away from me, than i think at this moment I am prepared for that. I have tried to be as nice as possible and have only acted out of love for her. But she is not giving that love back. And so, she must go. As much as it hurts me, I have got to let her go. I'm a big boy. I'll find happiness with another woman again someday. Not that I feel like I want to right now, but damn this all.

 

Ok, I'll let my blood pressure settle a little now. I do agree with you. But my pride is still pushing me the other way. I will wait another 24 hours before I make my final decision, and I will whole heartedly listen to any more advice that is given. But damn it, if she doesn't want me, than I'm ready to move on.

 

Thanks again, Stretch

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Stretch,

 

NO.

 

Do NOT send that email. I empathize where you're at with all this, but you need to continue to pull back and respect her request. You could write the romantic novel of the century to her, and it would still have the opposite effect you're hoping for. LEAVE HER ALONE.

 

You need to redirect all this nervous energy toward yourself. The best chance of her "thawing out" and coming back around will happen if you LEAVE HER ALONE, and you need to use that time wisely by getting yourself to a confident and positive place. Emails like this, as heartfelt and touching as you may think it is, will be interpreted as needy, clingy, and desperate. Do NOT send this.

That is so dead on. It's conventional wisdom, of course, but it bears repeating, and it was delivered perfectly.

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You feel this way today. You are going to do, what you are going to do regardless of the advice that is given on this forum.

 

This is all still very fresh for you and you are going to have moments like the one you are in today. Tomorrow you may be in a totally different frame of mind.

 

She hasn't asked for the stuff. As the poster above said respect her wishes and LEAVE HER ALONE.

 

Put the stuff in a box and stuff it into the darkest corner of your garage/closet/basement/close friend's house somewhere and forget about it.

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Yeah Stretch, I know where you think you're coming from right now. You think this email will somehow give you "closure" and make everything feel all better.

 

It won't.

 

Subconsciously, you may even be doing this to somehow shift the balance of power to your favor, as if you were the one breaking up.

 

She already did that.

 

What will happen if you send this email is not only what has already been said about pushing her even further away (mostly due to not respecting her request), but as you work your way through these early stages, you'll find yourself smacking your forehead saying, "what was I thinking sending that email?"

 

Forget this self-sabotaging idea of obtaining 'closure' via anything sent in her direction. It won't work, and that's not what you're really hoping for anyway. JUST LEAVE HER ALONE.

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I was in that position before (oh how many times I warned him that I wasn't going to wait around for him, that when I done I'm really done) and I was going to do something similar, but I took everyone's advice and just stayed silent instead. It had a much bigger effect...trust me!!

 

If you feel the need to put your foot down and tell her that you're done, just show her! Show her by disappearing, it is way better in getting the point accross. Letters or emails show that you still have all those emotions and even though you're trying to get accross that you're not going to take it anymore, it still shows you care enough to tell them about it...

 

Every time I wrote an email I regretted it so much later and I'm proud that I stopped doing that. Now I just need to take my own advice and disappear again...

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