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Fiance's mother slapped her...


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Fiance's 22 just for reference, I'm 23.

 

So, I've always had a very high opinion of my fiance's mother. She's a homemaker, keeps their house clean, has always cooked for them and been very loving, really one of the single best mothers I've ever seen or heard of. She's had anger issues every now and then where she'd yell at my fiance over the course of her life but, I mean, what mother and daughter don't argue sometimes? She'd always apologize and make her dinner afterwards and my fiance's always loved her dearly and depended on her.

 

This evening though I feel like things have been damaged, perhaps irreparably. They got into an argument in a car. The mother was getting agitated, my fiance says she was trying to calm her down but finally she got angry too and said something insulting, and in response her mother slapped her hard accross the face Then kept driving as if nothing happened

 

This is absolutely unprecedented and has deeply shocked me. I'm not sure what to make of it. There's absolutely no excuse for that, it doesn't matter what my fiance said. And it makes me so angry to think of anyone hurting her.

 

I feel like this is going to damage there until now close relationship, and I certainly feel like it damages my relationship with her mother. My opinion of her is lowered. A lot. The fiance was worried that this would happen and that's why she didn't want to tell me about it, she was worried I'd think less of her mother. She doesn't want me to think that her family is at all dysfunctional. I understand that but at the same time it's her mother who needs to take responsibility for damaging their relationship.

 

I think she absolutely must apologize. She hasn't yet, or given any indication that she will. It makes me so angry but it also disappoints me. I honestly had all the respect in the world for that woman.

 

Thoughts? And if there's any suggestions for anything I can say to console my fiance that would be extremely welcome as well.

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hey,

I don't mean to excuse the way her mom behaved, but i would try to not judge too harshly in this situation.

It's possible that she feels bad or ashamed for what happened, but she lost control in that moment somehow; that can definitely happen to the best of people.

No one's family is perfect. If her mom is willing to talk about things eventually, and if this was her first time doing something like this, hopefully she will resolve things with her daughter and realize how it hurt her. I think it can be worked through for sure if both are willing. My parents have said and done some things that were really hurtful for me at times, but it doesn't erase all the good things at all.

edit: I agree that this doesn't suddenly make her mom a bad person, or someone to be looked down at. I would take a step back and look at the bigger picture. What happened may test them both, but i wouldn't see it as something permanent.

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Does your fiance still live at home?

 

Hopefully her mom will apologize.

 

 

She's had anger issues every now and then where she'd yell at my fiance over the course of her life

 

Does she have a tendency to lose control a lot? If so, good luck if this is to be your further mother-in-law. I'm sorry to say it but unless your fiance stands up for herself and limits her mother's influence , her mom may end up being a real pain for you too in the future if her way of dealing with conflict is to yell and slap. If your fiance still lives at home she should make a plan to get out, to minimize her exposure to her mother.

 

Out of curiosity, what was their argument about?

 

I can only think of a few things that would give me the desire to hit my own chid accross the face (and I would not be able to act on it- but just think about it).

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Your fiance is 22 not 10, her mother has no right slapping her. Has no right to slap a child let alone a grown adult.

If my mother slapped me, my relationship with her would be completely damaged and I would lose respect for her.

I am of the opinion that parents and children need to have mutual respect.

Her mother might be all sweetness but what she did is completely wrong and in my eyes abuse on another adult. If she slapped someone on the street they could press assault charges on her, it's no different with her daughter.

You don't go having kids in order to hit them.

 

An apology would not even be enough for me, but it would be a start. As for your opinion of her, I think you have every right to change your mind about her mother, until she proves she can be a better person.

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I don't know if a lot of people will agree with me, but I think this can be overcome. Her mother hasn't apologized yet, and hopefully she will. Or maybe she won't, but I'll bet she feels terrible about it. It sounds like most of the time, your fiancee and her mother have a great relationship, but she lost her temper and made a huge mistake. Sometimes we do things we swore we'd never do, and we can't always explain why we do them, things that seem totally unlike us. And we can't take them back no matter what. I'd give them a chance to work it out. And keep in mind all the good things the mother has done. They don't cancel out because of this one unfortunate instance.

My own mother has said and done some not so nice things to me in the past. She suffered from major depression and wasn't always thinking right. But today she's one of my best friends and is a huge part of my life. I wouldn't have that pleasure if I hadn't forgiven her for things that now seem petty.

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To be honest, I feel BOTH were wrong, and BOTH should apologize. No doubt whatever insults she flung towards her mother were also way out of line in any circumstances (imo) and the mother reacted - wrongly maybe, but that doesn't excuse the insults coming from her daughter either.

 

The mother is probably hurting just as much as the daughter right now - if not more.

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Don't really have time at the moment to go into a lot of post-feedback detail. Please keep your comments coming, reading them all and trying to deal with this situation. Fiance's extremely sad at the moment.

 

And no she doesn't live at home but she still spends time with her mother... at least did prior to today, really unsure what will happen now.

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If I were in her shoes, I'd completely stop contact with my mom until she apologizes. Otherwise, it's her loss because she will miss out on her own grandchildren and her child's life. And what kind of a mother would desire that?

 

Disrespectful behavior - to an adult even - should not be tolerated. And the consequences should be dealt.

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Nobody, and I do mean nobody, can get a negative reaction out of you like your kids. Wait until you have teenagers and young adults, you'll see. Do I hit my son? No. But I sure have felt like it, and I'm sure vice versa. They should both apologize and work on forgiveness and communication. The mom is not a monster, probably just an overworked, overtired, underappreciated housewife who was insulted by a child she had dedicated her life to. Yeah, I understand.

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Neither one had reason to yell. Neither one had reason to hit. Both likely feel atrocious, and neither wants to go first to get their relationship back.

 

Tell your fiance that this would be an outstanding occasion for her to show her mother that she is growing up by taking the high road and apologizing for HER part in the altercation, and leave it at that; if her mother will open up and apologize, good; if not, then your fiance has a clear conscience that she did the right thing.

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